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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my friend should be working?

257 replies

Louboutin37 · 07/02/2016 13:02

I'll give you the scenario. Mate is divorced, single mum to 2 kids. Maintenance all agreed and pretty generous with her ex, youngest child is 12.

We were chatting the other day and I mentioned to her that she must be excited about going back to work full time soon. (She works 2 days a week at the mo and claims tax credits)

She replied with "but I can't go back to work, I'm a single mum and the state recognises that I need to be at home to support my babies".

AIBU to think that she doesn't have babies and in her situation should be thinking about getting back to work by now? She seems to think that as she doesn't see herself as in benefits then there's no issue.

PS, this isn't a benefits slating at all.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 07/02/2016 15:41

The trouble is that threads like this just encourage name changing to avoid critical responses.

Notcontent · 07/02/2016 15:41

I am a lone parent - have been since my dd was a baby - and have worked nearly full time. My dd is 10 now and some might think that it's easier and that I might work completely full time soon. But actually no, I am finding things pretty tough - my dd needs me more than ever before and I am actually thinking of reducing my hours so that I can work but also be a mother to her.

ItWillWash · 07/02/2016 15:43

An MP's basic salary is £67,060 p/a, soon rising to £74,000 p/a. They don't have to pay for their own lunch, travel to work costs, second homes etc out of that publicly funded salary. That is what we should be angry at. Not a single parent, working p/t so she can be at home to support her children.

mintoil · 07/02/2016 15:44

So on the previous thread you were moaning about your partners ex working part time instead of full time and claiming tax credits. And now you are making the exact same comments about "a friend?"

Ok then.

MuttonDressedAsMutton · 07/02/2016 15:44

NanaNina - if you haven't read the thread - and you say you haven't - then what on earth are you doing posting as if you have the faintest idea what's going on here? You don't. RTFT then post again and if your opinion is that same then I'm sure we'll all take you seriously.

paxillin · 07/02/2016 15:45

She does work and it is none of your business how much. My tax money also pays for road maintenance I don't need as much as others (no car), trains to places I don't visit, old people's homes I don't need and state run nurseries I never myself used as well as benefits I never received myself. They should do all of the above. So do your taxes and your friend's. And all of our taxes also pay for things we do use, that's how this works.

ivykaty44 · 07/02/2016 15:49

Muskateersmummy if employees paid proper wages there wouldn't be any need to top up half so many wages, as you put it.

Working part time outside the home and being a full time patents isn't a lifestyle choice,

Where is the other parent in all this? Why isn't the other parent being held to account - why dies the other parent walk away and just do the "nice" buts but the resident parent is beat over the head with a stick for being there for her dc and working part time outside the home to keep control of her dc and actually be the two parents the children need

Headmelt · 07/02/2016 15:49

You appear to have a very unhealthy interest in how other people live their lives and the choices they choose to make for themselves and their families op. It is none of your or anyone else's business. Think of all the free time you would have to yourself if you focused on your own life instead of judging others. Envy and jealousy are wasted emotions.

LineyReborn · 07/02/2016 15:50

paxillin good points you make.

Atenco · 07/02/2016 15:52

My taxes go towards paying MP's salaries and expenses and funding wars that I categorically disagree with and bailing out bankers

You beat me to it, ItWillWash

In the grand scheme of things, I do think pre-teens and teenagers need their parents almost more than small children and all society benefits from bringing up healthy happy young people, which is a job in itself.

ivykaty44 · 07/02/2016 15:54

It makes me furious that people think working less hours to be topped up by the government

Single parents already do two jobs before going out to work.

Do these same people that think that single parents who work part time and reduced their work hours, do they think that the other parent should help out more? Or be forced by law to take responsibility for their dc so many hours per week? Or pay a living maintenance?

Muskateersmummy · 07/02/2016 16:01

I don't disagree with either of those comments ivykaty. Firmly believe both parents should be contributing so that someone doesn't need to top up their money.

But I also believe people should cut their cloth to fit. If you can't afford to work part time, don't. If I wanted to work part time I would have to change my outgoings. If I can't do that, then I have to work full time. Why should someone else choose to work part time and expect the government to pick up the tab?

If the person I question couldn't work/had no external support for child care etc etc, that's fine that's what the benefit system is for, but if you can work, have people around willing to help out and can't afford to live on your part time wages, maybe you should look at a full time job.

sugar21 · 07/02/2016 16:03

Agree with paxcillin The biggest spongers in this Country are MPs.
I don't claim benefits but I have nothing against help being given to lone parents or families. When all's said and done our children will grow up to be tax payers.
On a moot point I hate the thought that we are dropping bombs in Syria when IDS is taking disabled people allowances away.
How can that be right?
Every one has their seperate financial problems and that is their business not mine. We never know what fate will do to us and redundancy can rear its head in any company. So stop and think before berating, because you never know what will happen in years to come. Yes you can insure against most scenarios but you cannot insure against an arse of a man running off with another woman and leaving you with the children.

fourkids · 07/02/2016 16:07

hmmm well, my teenage DCs get deprived of time with me because I work long hours in order to provide for them because I don't think it is up to the state and other tax payers to support me and my DCs, so I for one do object to other people citing the need to spend more time with their DCs as a reason to work part time and expect the 'state' to top up their earnings. I'd absolutely love to work part time but I also absolutely think that it is my duty to provide - not other people's duty.

If I earned twice as much per hour, I'd work half as any hours because I could afford to, but I don't so I don't because I can't.

So, I would personally kind of judge the person in question because I would make a different moral call to them...but really it is the state that is at fault for facilitating decisions like that.

Muskateersmummy · 07/02/2016 16:13

.but really it is the state that is at fault for facilitating decisions like that.

I completely agree. It's not the individual's as much as the system.

I don't understand why it's an either or, you can either object to unnecessary spending on wars/mp expenses or situations like this. Why isn't possible to see that neither are an fair use of the public purse?

maybebabybee · 07/02/2016 16:16

Why do people think teenagers deserve or need less attention than young kids? My mum has my 14 y old brother at home. She works a very busy demanding job which means she can't be around for nearly as much as she'd like. He's at a delicate age, his studies need supervising, etc etc. If she had the option of part time work and topping up with benefits she would take it and I would support her 100%.

I'm happy for "my taxes" to go on benefits. I'm not happy for them to go on bombing Syria, for instance, but I haven't much choice in the matter.

shutupandshop · 07/02/2016 16:17

Why would you assume a) shes going back ft and b) shes looking foward to it?

Gunting · 07/02/2016 16:19

This woman isn't working part time and expecting the government to top her up though.

Her ex is paying for his kids so why the op even mentioned benefits is beyond

maybebabybee · 07/02/2016 16:25

Whoops sorry misread that then, thought OP said she received WTC. Not that it makes a difference either way really.

fourkids · 07/02/2016 16:27

'This woman isn't working part time and expecting the government to top her up though.

Her ex is paying for his kids so why the op even mentioned benefits is beyond'

As I read it, she is working part time and expecting the government to top her up, as I read it - she works part time and claims tax credits. Maybe I am misunderstanding...but it looks like the assumption is that if she worked full time she wouldn't be getting tax credits - or would be getting less?

I have no issue with her working part time if the maintenance her ex pays is enough to support them all.

HairySubject · 07/02/2016 16:29

If she worked full time she would probably be entitled to even more tax credits to cover her childcare costs. . .

What do all of the tax payers think of that?

Natkingcole9 · 07/02/2016 16:32

Haha well done to the person that caught OP out, hang your head in shame OP.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/02/2016 16:59

I see both sides.

Do I think it's wrong that people can choose to work 16 hours when 40 are available, and then be topped up to the same amount anyway? Yes, that's completely wrong.

But, a 12 year old can need loads of support. Possibly emotional. Possibly they do a sport/other and need ferrying about. Possibly they don't eat well and their mother is determined to see they eat a good meal daily. The list is endless.

So, it all depends. Maybe she's lazy, and maybe she's amazing, doing her best to squeeze in somewhere whilst being there for dc who need her.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/02/2016 17:00

*some work not somewhere

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 07/02/2016 17:21

OP has no children, as far as I can make out, so has absolutely ZERO experience of trying to hold the DC's lives together after a marital break up.

I've seen many friends go through it, and IME it's always the mums left holding everything together, trying to keep the kids lives stable, often juggling work and a reduced income as well.