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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my friend should be working?

257 replies

Louboutin37 · 07/02/2016 13:02

I'll give you the scenario. Mate is divorced, single mum to 2 kids. Maintenance all agreed and pretty generous with her ex, youngest child is 12.

We were chatting the other day and I mentioned to her that she must be excited about going back to work full time soon. (She works 2 days a week at the mo and claims tax credits)

She replied with "but I can't go back to work, I'm a single mum and the state recognises that I need to be at home to support my babies".

AIBU to think that she doesn't have babies and in her situation should be thinking about getting back to work by now? She seems to think that as she doesn't see herself as in benefits then there's no issue.

PS, this isn't a benefits slating at all.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 07/02/2016 14:18

No one has yet mentioned the father's "life style choice"

Of course if he was to share the patenting on an equal basis....

But no it's the grandparents mentioned and her lack of ability to work, doesn't working two days count as work then?

What about the father? Where is his responsibility in all this, oh yeah he pays some money and plays daddy EOW but effectively is sat on his arse for 25 nights a months doing sweet fuck all, no irnining, taxi runs, cooking, cleaning, mopping up sick or having time off work to look after sick children

Original poster
Louboutin37 · 07/02/2016 14:19

That thread is nearly 4 months old! Different person but dig away if you want. This woman works 16 hours a week in answer to the other poster who asked.

Maintenance is not the issue here

OP posts:
bearleftmonkeyright · 07/02/2016 14:19

I've just got a job. Temporary till July. It's taken me months to find it. I am now panicking about whether I am going to be able to find childcare for my youngest who is 8 years old. My parents are willing to help but they are in their 70s and don't want to put the pressure on them to pick up from school every day. Grandparents are not necessarily a viable childcare option. I have two in secondary school who constantly need me. For lifts, for homework for making sure they see their friends, supevising sleepovers. You parent till they are well into their teens. I can't understand your point of view. She's your friend. If I thought a friend felt that way about me I would be devastated. I could well be out of work again by July and back at square one.

usual · 07/02/2016 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ghostyslovesheep · 07/02/2016 14:21

I love all these tax payer 'paying for her lifestyle' I mean they must be massive earners who don't use ANY services at all - most of us taxpayers barely pay enough tax to cover our children's deliveries, our GP costs or the free education our kids receive so they must really be rich to be paying for everyone Grin

usual · 07/02/2016 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 07/02/2016 14:22

Ah so it's the partner's ex she's moaning about, not a "friend".

Nasty, OP.

pictish · 07/02/2016 14:22

I want to contribute to the care and upbringing of my children as much as possible. To each their own OP. And ffs if this is about your boyf's ex, the EXIT is that way ---->

We women are called upon to make tough choices in balancing our home and working lives as it is, without all this competitive, envious rubbish to further muddy already murky waters.

GahBuggerit · 07/02/2016 14:23

i think youre allowed to be a bit envious. im green eyed over my friends who choose (if this is what your friend is doing) to only work what they need to get TC, i worked out i wouldnt be much worse off if i dropped my hours and let the state pay the rest, the only thing that stops me is the thought that im getting my career back on track whereas they are the same level they have been for 4-5 years so imthinking long term. sure id love to see more of my kids but time wont give me future earnings potential, and its quality not quantity that matters.

currently your friend may appear to be having it all, but she will be in for a shock when TCs come down further, or she tries to get a ft job but loses out to someone with more than 2 days a week experience in the role. at the end of the day shes just taking advantage of what shes entitled to, for now

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 07/02/2016 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunbaker · 07/02/2016 14:29

How old are your children OP?

I work part time, but I can afford not to work full time. We don't get any benefits from the state. I work part time because I have found that since becoming a teenager DD has needed me more than when she was little - bullying, friendship issues, depression, CAMHS appointments, medical appointments, GCSE exam stress.

I put my daughter's well being before being able to afford a pair of expensive shoes, for example.

I wouldn't want to go back to work full time now. I feel that my work life balance works out perfectly.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 07/02/2016 14:29

i have a frenemy like you, OP. 'You must be so excited about getting back to work.' 'You can support the economy again!' was another beauty.

I ditched her as a friend after a couple of years of this and she's still baffled as why, since she was just you know, being right.

Incidentally, she didn't know that I was quietly building up my own web-based business, but not telling her. I just amused myself listening to her one-eyed, judgmental bullshit.

WorraLiberty · 07/02/2016 14:29

That thread is nearly 4 months old! Different person but dig away if you want.

Oh come on. Just admit you've been busted Grin

TurnOffTheTv · 07/02/2016 14:30

Of course it's a different person you're talking about Hmm

Janeymoo50 · 07/02/2016 14:31

But she does work plus the father pays maintenance so I don't see the issue.

Gunting · 07/02/2016 14:33

Just admit it, it must be more than a coincidence.

Why did you change the story to post this thread? Although coming on here to complain about a woman who is raising 2 kids single handed and making ends meet with benefits under the guise 'Louboutin' probably wouldn't have been the best look...

Viviennemary · 07/02/2016 14:33

I personally don't think it should be an option to work part-time and claim tax credits when your children are over a certain age.. But if the benefits system allows this then your friend has made a legal choice. Excited about going back to work full time. Grin

HermioneWeasley · 07/02/2016 14:35

As a point of principle, those who can work should work IMO. Being part time is lovely, but it's not on if the state is funding it.

usual · 07/02/2016 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 07/02/2016 14:39

The thread Ghosty linked to is certainly an eye-opener:

I'm of the opinion that if she went back to work full time (very much a viable option) then she would be much better off financially and his payments wouldn't need to be so high. we are literally funding her lifestyle choice.

This thread is sooooo about her.

Vanderwaals · 07/02/2016 14:39

YANBU.
I agree with you. Her children are not babies! At all!!

ItWillWash · 07/02/2016 14:41

CM payments would not change, no matter how much OP's DH's ex was earning. She could win billions on the lotto, he'd still have to pay the same amount.

It's based on his income, not hers.

Muskateersmummy · 07/02/2016 14:44

Yes usual to my mind that is completely different. They as a partnership are then funding the lifestyle. The work life balance is fine, if you can afford it.

I just don't see why the system allows people to choose not to fund their own lifestyle. Benefits should be there for those who need it, not those who want it IMO

WorraLiberty · 07/02/2016 14:46

The penny has just dropped OP, I've just remembered who you are.

You've only been with your boyfriend a few months haven't you, and you live quite a distance from each other? I remember being shocked that you were referring to his daughter as your 'Step daughter' on one thread, and on another you were saying you've only been dating for 4 months.

For the sake of your relationship (and everyone else's) you really need to butt out and stop meddling in this family's private business.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 07/02/2016 14:48

Your partner is not funding his ex's lifestyle, he's funding his kids upkeep. What a man, moaning and whinging about paying for his kids.