Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my friend should be working?

257 replies

Louboutin37 · 07/02/2016 13:02

I'll give you the scenario. Mate is divorced, single mum to 2 kids. Maintenance all agreed and pretty generous with her ex, youngest child is 12.

We were chatting the other day and I mentioned to her that she must be excited about going back to work full time soon. (She works 2 days a week at the mo and claims tax credits)

She replied with "but I can't go back to work, I'm a single mum and the state recognises that I need to be at home to support my babies".

AIBU to think that she doesn't have babies and in her situation should be thinking about getting back to work by now? She seems to think that as she doesn't see herself as in benefits then there's no issue.

PS, this isn't a benefits slating at all.

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 07/02/2016 13:48

I'm going to guess that you are not a friend but are the OW that her ex is now with.

usual · 07/02/2016 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/02/2016 13:48

I must disagree with you, Muskateersmummy. It is my taxes that top up the income for this particular woman. I rang DWP and they told me. Yours have gone to pay for drone bombing in Syria. Oh, and last year they used mine to subsidise solar panelling and yours went to famine relief in Africa. Or, maybe not. Anyway, your taxes are not needed to cover the unemployment benefit of someone who is working on the three days the OP's "friend" doesn't need, so that's a bonus, right?

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 07/02/2016 13:49

And she does have childcare on standby so there are no reasons for her not to. The issue is the choice.

Regardless of what is on standby, they're her children and she's choosing to care for them herself.

Sunbeam1112 · 07/02/2016 13:49

Op what bussiness is it of yours. Maybe she wants to be home to be able to cook tea for her DC given she is a single parent. F/T Jobs are extremely difficult to find to fit round DC that arent necessarily 9-5. If her maintences tops up the extra for her to work two days then great. As other posters said they are too old to go to a childminder but young to be left to their own devices every evening. You havent stated what hours she works during those two days. For all we know she could work two 12hour shifts. Which is 24hrs a week. Being a single parent is hardwork she most likely didnt want to end up being on her own but your judging her rather than supporting her is disgraceful. You are no friend to her.

I don't agree that my DB works F/T and his partner doesn't even work part time with no kids but has to stay home with the dog but they constantly borrow money from my retired parents neither does my other DB agree but you got to learn you can have an opinion but you don't necessarily have the right to voice it.

WorraLiberty · 07/02/2016 13:49

I agree it sounds like she has a great work/life balance.

I've never heard a parent of grown up kids saying, "I wish they'd spent more time in childcare".

Just the opposite in fact.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/02/2016 13:50

I take it you think married/partnered women should "go out to work", then or. Do you have a different set of rules for them
Are they " Wholesome SAHMs

ghostyslovesheep · 07/02/2016 13:50

why is it okay in a couple to work pt but not once you are single - op it's really not your business - you don't sound like a friend to be honest

You could be describing me - single mum of 3 - youngest is 7 - working 3 days a week

I can't work more hours in my job as it's public sector - we have a freeze on anything that involves spending more money such as employing ME full time. The nature of the job makes it hard to take on another job as I tend to work over 5 days due to needing flexibility to attend vital meetings (social work)

So yes - I get tax credits - they pay for my childcare - especially during the holidays

so I'd just butt out if I where you - you have no idea

sugar21 · 07/02/2016 13:51

Tut tut and here was me thinking my taxes were going to pay for the upgrade to Trident, or MPs salaries.

minifingerz · 07/02/2016 13:51

YABU

Are you my SIL? Grin

She asks me every time I see her whether I'm working full time now.

ghostyslovesheep · 07/02/2016 13:52

I'd also add that my teenagers need me around much much more now than they did when they where babies

ilovesooty · 07/02/2016 13:52

I think Lizzie might be right.

witsender · 07/02/2016 13:53

I'm just pmsl at the concept of someone saying, unpromoted (I.e, no mention or question previously of tax credits) "the state recognises my need to be there to support my babies."

Righto OP, righto.

Babyroobs · 07/02/2016 13:54

YABU. Your friend clearly can manage financially on maintainence and tax credits and her 2 day wage so why would she want to work more? As others have said when universal credit is introduced, I think she will have to work ? 30 hours if her youngest is over 12.

jellybeans · 07/02/2016 13:54

Yabu she is working. Probably at a rate that suits her and family. On her own she has to do everything that often in a couple is shared out. She could have numerous issues you do not know about.

Who says 'full time' hours is the magical right number anyway.

Out of interest do you work?

Original poster
Louboutin37 · 07/02/2016 13:56

I am def not an OW Lizzie. Happily far from it

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 07/02/2016 13:57

OP Sorry about that. Just thought that might explain your behaviour.

TurnOffTheTv · 07/02/2016 13:58

How do you even know if she can work more hours in her current job?

ilovesooty · 07/02/2016 13:58

In that case I agree with witsender

Andfaraway · 07/02/2016 13:59

When I hear women talking about "having" to stay at home, I think of past times when women weren't allowed to work. And I think of the evidence - from their own diaries, letters and other writings - left to us to read of the suffering, the illness, the frustrations of not being allowed to work for your own money, in useful recognised work.

Original poster
Louboutin37 · 07/02/2016 14:01

She can work more hours, and she's mentioned it before. She's also mentioned paternal grandparents are on her doorstep asking to spend more time with her kids and they've offered to have them as much as possible.

That's why I thought she was gagging to get back it it. Maybe not so much after what she's now said

OP posts:
pictish · 07/02/2016 14:02

Yabu - what's so tip top about working full time anyway? Why would anyone be 'excited' at the prospect of being able to do so?

pictish · 07/02/2016 14:03

Gagging to get back at it? Why, for the love of God would she be?

usual · 07/02/2016 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItWillWash · 07/02/2016 14:03

Who is the childcare?

Are they physically able to collect from X's house after a trip out and/or geographically close enough for the DC to take themselves there?

Are they tech savvy enough to help with homework?

Close enough to the DC for them to feel comfortable talking about boys, body issues, bullying?

Would they feel they had enough authority to okay an impromptu trip to the local leisure center without checking with mum first?

Do they have wi-fi so that the kids still feel connected to their social group?

Is it fair to expect them to have DC five days a week for 8-10 hours a day in holidays or are the DC expected to be shipped from house to house during the holidays not knowing from one day to the next where they are going to be?

Can the DC have their friends there?

It's not as simple as just having someone there who is able to help. My children miss out on a lot because of me working. I hate it. They hate it. My childcare hates it and finds it hard to cope. If I could find a job for 2 days a week, I'd take in a flash. My children's well being is more important to me than the 'taxpayer' who'd pay as much tax regardless of how much WTC/CTC I receive.