To want to do the things I've always wanted to do now I'm retired and not give DC house deposit money

[Mumcouchtotri]

I've worked for over 35 years. I've recently retired and finally I have a reasonable income (34kk - I still have to pay income tax on that and have a few btl that give no income now but should do in 3-5 years when mortgages are paid off) considering I have no mortgage or debt outstanding. I have two DC (23 and 26) who both live in the south east. Iknow theybwould like s house, but I've said I won't be able to help them st all. I think all help ends at 18, now I want to enjoy my life - go on cruises , have a new CSR etc. Just simple stuff like that that I've never done.

It does seem most of their friends are getting help from parents. But surely not all? Your responsibility with a child ends financially once they are an adult working full time?

I saved up nearly 5k for a deposit many years ago. My dad very kindly said here's another 5k so the repayments were less.

I was very grateful.

Deogratias you earn a lot and have lovely children ?

What do you want a medal?!

Deogratias can't you see that your attitude completely undermines women's struggles to be given proper maternity rights in the workplace?

I think you've got it right with your recent update - don't say never yet. There is absolutely no reason you shouldn't enjoy yourself for a bit - but £34 p/a is a lot of money, more than the average wage, so with that and your BTLs you'd have to really enjoy yourself to have nothing left to ever give to your sons.

I don't think there is an expectation that all help ends at 18 now, if there ever was. Certainly student loans are worked out in relation to parents income, so there is obviously a governmental and societal expectation that parents will help until 21/22 - even if individuals don't agree with it or can't actually afford to. Help is more cyclical - my parents have given me money over the years but in the same vein I've taken them out for meals when they've visited, bought them nice presents, helped with IT or home tasks that they'd otherwise had to shell out for.

Your sons are still quite young - see how you feel in a few years, and how well they're coping without you. If you do decide to give them some money at some point, it will never be unwelcome, whether they decide to use it for a house, nursery fees, whatever.

It shouldn't be an obligation or expectation - but then again, given no relationship breakdown, most parents would want to help their children out if they could afford to?

Perfectly put Jessie
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And DeoGratias it just sounds like martyrdom... Very noble

I would help my kids to help themselves i.e education or if they wanted to start a business. Or if they'd done their best and were really in trouble in some way. But otherwise I don't think parents should have a lean retirement and not achieve their dreams and ambitions because their children want a house. Naturally it's the parents choice and this is just my opinion.

I strongly disagree that help ends at 18 and I would want if possible to help my children. It is so much harder nowadays. My parents didnt help me and it caused a lot of resentment as they couldn't really understand how hard it is. My mum didn't work and my dad had a normal job - they bought a house in the 1970s with no problems - doesn't happen now.

Also some children are not prepared to do what their parents had to do to buy a property like not drink or not have children for 10 or 20 years or not go on holidays. If they aren't prepared to do those things and spend little then if they cannot afford a deposition on a small studio flat in a grotty area or they chose to make stupid career choices or not get their finger out at school then it's hard cheese - they make their beds. They lie in them - such is life.

^This. We appear to such an entitled nation. There seems to be little concept of having to wait for anything; you want it, so you have to have it. Between money poems in wedding invitations to AIBU threads about unfair wills (before the person has even died!)

Need is quite objective. In my book you need shelter, warmth, food, love. House ownership is a luxury.

My parents didn't contribute when I bought my first home which I did at 21, I had a private education and it was always made clear that they would fund that and uni, but then I would need to support myself - although there would always be a room at the family home should I need it. I am taking the same attitude towards dc - they go to private school which takes up all of our spare income so there won't be deposits coming their way too. I do worry about how they will manage though. Their GP's are putting some money aside for them and we have CTF's in their names, but I don't think they will go very far towards the deposits required these days.

My parents did nothing to help me. I feel no resentment whatsoever.

It might just be a personal thing but I have always expected to deal with the difficulties in my adult life, just as my parents dealt with the difficulties in theirs. I doubt they found the financial/social/political issues of their times any less onerous than I found those of mine... repeat through every generation.

Lots of things that were the norm in previous generations don't happen now... women don't have to stop work just because they get married, can hold property in their own right, etc etc etc. I bet they moaned about how easy/different their parents had it too.

Moaning about it won't change it. It might change the moaner though.

If CSR is a typo for CAR, why was the OP typing CAR in all caps?

Help ends at 18? not in my family. I brought them into this world. It's not their fault that life's such a struggle now compared to when I was their age. I get my pleasure out of helping them out when I can. If I can ease their burdens I will. Cruises and fine holidays are all very well but I personally couldn't enjoy it if I thought my kids were having a hard time. Saying that, I wouldn't be a martyr to my kids but I certainly wouldn't cast them off just because they've reached 18.

Well, yes, your legal responsibility to your children does end when they are adult, and nobody can prevent you from keeping all of your money for yourself, to spend on your own pleasure.

But I think you sound very cold and selfish, and I also think you need to ponder the meaning of "family" a bit. Would you REALLY be happy heaping luxuries on yourself while you know your children, who live in a very different financial/political environment than the one that allowed you to buy a home, may never be able to purchase a house? Really? Wouldn't you like to see your grandchildren playing in a real home, and to know that you were a part of giving them this security?

I think it's okay to not help dcs. It makes the honestly assess what they can afford and whether they might e.g. want to move to the north. I think it's good for people to be realistic about what they can do.

I don't think help automatically stops at 18. My parents have never helped us out ( everything with the gas strings attached so I refused all help from 15 onwards when I got my first job).

However I want it to be different with DS. He's an only so will get everything we own eventually, so we do plan to help him out. He's only 9 but I've already set him up with a pension.

My parents will realise though that help cuts both ways. Any help they need from me later on will also have strings attached.

It's your money, so it's your choice.

But don't kid yourself that you "earned" all that money. A great deal of it will be as a result of house price inflation, which is sheer luck (and luck that future generations are unlikely to have themselves).

Whether you want to share that luck with your children is up to you.

Nice work Whirly, I was thinking the sums didn't add up. Who gets such a good pension if they've never earned more than £34k?

Oh for fucks sake. They are 23 and 26, not 18 and scrimping for uni fees. Why should this woman spend her savings on helping to get her children property? I suppose the next thing you will be suggesting is that when she gets GC's she should also give up her time babysitting for them.

No wonder so many, (not all, of course) have this expectation that if they don't learn financial responsibility then let's just ask mum for a donation loan again. Being a mother is not about doing everything for your child for the rest of your life, it's letting them grow up, letting them go and take responsibility for what they do in this life.

As for being a family unit. My father walked out with OW before I was a year old, my sibling was 20 months older. This was before all the benefits came. Mum worked full time. Left for work at 0700 back at 1800. We all lived with my gran who died when I was 11 yrs. We became latch key kids. We had no electricity and no running hot water everything was done by hand.

My sister started work when she was 15 and myself at 16 as school had upped the age of leaving. We emigrated to Oz in our 20's (with mum), not long afterwards an uncle died and left mum some money. It became her "security blanket", she never touched it and was still working up till pension age. We never expected or requested a loan.

She offered me money to help buy a car so I would not have to pay bank loan interest fees. I only accepted it on condition that I repaid her every fortnight. If we borrow money from each other for whatever reason, it is repaid asap. We are a solid family unit who are there for each other.

The moralistic posties who think OP should spend her savings on her children and try to make her out as cold, selfish, etc. etc. have no idea of the OP's family history. Regardless why shouldn't she enjoy herself now she is retired and has some money to do this? I've know quite a few people who have worked hard all their lives, retire and shortly after die or find out they have a terminal disease.

Go out there OP and run wild. Life is uncertain, enjoy it while you can.

The OP is clearly a wind-up. However this struck me... Almost every family I know is 'spreading the wealth' through the generations by helping children/grandchildren. There's only one family I know that's backed by a lot of assets but not passing significant support on down through the generations

We have managed to pretty much kill social mobility. You get a foot on the housing ladder if your parents have money. You don't if they don't.

My parents got their start with free university, their parents lived in council houses, they moved to London with not a lot. A bright kid in a mining or mill town (as they were) doesn't get those chances now.

Your money, your choice.

My partner and I are recently 30/32 and both have full time jobs that pay well. My parents (from across the world) gift us money from time to time for ocassions which I put away for rainy days. I have never ever needed this money but I do remember my Dad's words - "If you ever need a thing, i am one phone call away, if al i can do is send money, it will be with you in 24 hours". I have never had to make that call but I cannot describe the value of those words in giving me strength. They always help out for major stuff like deposit etc.

My partner's parents do not do this and have 7 holidays a year. Both are valid choices.

Having experienced both versions, my partner and I have decided help does not stop at 18 and we will do our best to do for our DC what my parents do for us.

this is simply one family's experience.

But ozzie your mum and gran sound perfect. They gave you and shared with you all they had and imparted an admirable work ethic. Most of all you sound as though you were so loved. That has to be the bedrock for all families. So many don't have that care or inspiration or drive to emigrate for a better life.

I agree with every word Ozzie said. My father managed to get some long haul trips in before he was diagnosed as terminal. It was the best possible use of his money and I never saw it as due to me in any way.

Wow you seem like a lovely caring parent. My kids are 8 and a baby but we are already sorting our finances so we can help them buy houses. We have a house we rent out and when they need a deposit we will sell it and halve the sale price between them.

I would only be as happy as my unhappiest child and wouldn't enjoy cruises etc if my kids were stuck renting when I could easily help them. My mam and dad have given us loads of help and I'll do the same for my kids.

Your choice not to but that's the way I would do it.

It's your choice. No one can tell you what you should do with your money, it's up to you how you feel about it.

That said, I'm 40 with young DC and still renting. Parents have never offered to help, on either side. We are not likely to be able to afford to buy our own house anytime soon, if ever. The deposit required is just too much these days. It's not like it was in the nineties when you could pay a tiny deposit. So we are going to be long term renters. It's just how it is. I work in property and the majority of youngish people buying have had gifted deposits and help with fees etc from their parents. Far many than I thought, and same is true with our friends, lots of family help either through gifting, lending or inheritance. I'm all for encouraging our kids to pursue a decent career and gaining financial independence but if we can help them buy a property then we definitely will, if that's what they want.

(I only mentioned by full time work and short time off to have a baby in the context that if you have a child who is not prepared to make the sacrifices you did and still wants a hand out they can b ugger off. Whereas if they are putting their all into a good career, not wasting money and you have the money to spare then yes help them. I have never been a martyr - I have one of the best lives on the planet and both lucky for that and sowing what I planted - we all tend to reap what we sow in life - we are the master of our destiny rather than mere flotsam and jetsum with no say buffeting by random winds - be the woman instead who seizes your future and effects change to have what you need).