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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to do the things I've always wanted to do now I'm retired and not give DC house deposit money

338 replies

Mumcouchtotri · 07/02/2016 08:24

I've worked for over 35 years. I've recently retired and finally I have a reasonable income (34kk - I still have to pay income tax on that and have a few btl that give no income now but should do in 3-5 years when mortgages are paid off) considering I have no mortgage or debt outstanding. I have two DC (23 and 26) who both live in the south east. Iknow theybwould like s house, but I've said I won't be able to help them st all. I think all help ends at 18, now I want to enjoy my life - go on cruises , have a new CSR etc. Just simple stuff like that that I've never done.

It does seem most of their friends are getting help from parents. But surely not all? Your responsibility with a child ends financially once they are an adult working full time?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 07/02/2016 12:12

I had no help from my parents but they are on a low income. I hope to be able to help my children in the future. My pfb is 5 weeks and already has some money in a junior ISA which I hope she'll use towards a house or university when it becomes hers at 18.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 07/02/2016 12:14

It's your money so your choice... But worth remembering that when you are old and infirm you will be reliant on your children... If they are up to their ears in debt and live in tiny flats up 4 flights of stairs then that won't bode all that well for you

Roonerspism · 07/02/2016 12:20

i would love to be able to help my kids. If I'm able. I feel I would be very lucky to have the means to do so.

You are mortgage free, stil relatively young, with a good standard of living.

You could help them on to the property ladder themselves.

Things are much much harder now. Most professions pay very badly compared to the cost of living and affording a house.

suzannecaravaggio · 07/02/2016 12:25

As a btler you are part of the reason that your kids can't afford housing

I'm alright jack, pull up the ladder

Higge · 07/02/2016 12:26

I think there are very few independent 18 year olds and I believe cutting my dcs off financially at 18 would lead to unnecessary hardship. I am of the opinion that most 18 year olds are not in any way adult-like.

OurBlanche · 07/02/2016 12:32

I think that's a generational thing though, Higge.

My grandparents and parents were married at 18/19.

DSis and I were living independently at 17/19.

This generation seem to need an extra decade year or five to grow up.

I blame the Victorians. They were the ones who invented 'childhood' Smile

Wardy1993 · 07/02/2016 12:35

MakewayforNoddy I agree! Just sounds like bragging to me... Hmm

Higge · 07/02/2016 12:35

OurBlanche I agree

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 07/02/2016 12:45

I bought a house in my mid twenties (as did my brother) thanks to money our mother gave us... in her will. Now in our early thirties we are among very few of our peers with properties.

I am quick to discourage anyone who asks from expecting significant financial assistance from their parents. That's the kind of help you may expect to get from them when there is no other help they can offer, as they will no longer be around.

I would have preferred my mother's help in talking through an iladvised marriage, supporting me through a traumatic divorce and a massive career change, and sharing the experience of my first child we me - I presume this isn't the kind of help you believe ends at 18, OP? Instead I have a house.

Tell your kids they can have your money when you're gone, and for now they get all the other help and support a parent can give :)

Wardy1993 · 07/02/2016 12:53

DeoGratias isn't it the law that you have to have 2 weeks off after the birth of your baby...? Hmm

MissBattleaxe · 07/02/2016 12:54

OP, you've worked bloody hard all your life. Now is the time to do all those things you dreamed about when you were slogging away. You should not be denied them because your children need house deposits. If they live in the South East they will need an enormous wedge to get started.

It is unfair that house prices have got ridiculous but that's no reason to prevent retired parents from realising life long ambitions.

My father died last year and I'm so glad he manged to realise some of his dreams and visit places he'd always wanted to go. What he did with his own money was up to him, I never begrudged it or thought "but I want/need this!"

Do the stuff on your wish list and don't feel obliged.

BlackBagTheBorderBinLiner · 07/02/2016 12:55

DH and I are mid-forties, 2DCs (13 & 11) we've had no regular child care from GPs and little in the way of baby sitting. There is the odd £500 gift every other year. They've had new cars, expensive holidays (first class to Dubai, round the world cruise).

We're about to extend our house so the DCs don't have to share a room. New mortgage which we'll pay off when we're over 65. AIBU not to look after any of them once their health starts declining? Surely they can just 'buy in' those services?

Your lucky that you've got time to think this over, it's over 25 years since I left home, that's a long time hearing about the new cars, tracking down the right jacket to go with a new dress, travelling with private guides because your too snobbish to join a tour group. I'm happy for them because they did work hard and also get lucky with BTL and final salary schemes but it does n't make me close to them, it's rather abstract, a socially polite response.

OP, should I feel any practical responsibility for these four people? How do you strengthen family bonds, is it desirable? Am I lucky to have been given such a get out of jail card when a succession of careworkers and taxi drivers will be taking on the practicalities of their ill health.

choli · 07/02/2016 12:56

The crash is coming soon, just as in the early 90s.

tingon · 07/02/2016 12:57

What a load of cobblers, didn't even require much effort to engage MNers into a thread about one of their favourite topics.

UptownFunk00 · 07/02/2016 12:58

Personally I think by making the choice to have children you are declaring you will help them however they need it as long as you are alive (not taking the piss though - actual real things they may need).

I'm low income now but if my income goes up and I have adult DC I would be more than willing to help out.

But everyone is different this is just my personal view.

MissBattleaxe · 07/02/2016 13:01

I think your obligation is to raise your children so that they are self sufficient and self supporting. Yes, life will throw them curve balls, but retired parents are not obliged to fund them all their lives.

hels71 · 07/02/2016 13:08

My parents gave me £100 when I was a student...and I have had nothing else since. (apart from my wedding when they paid towards the food, and some odds and ends of clothes for DD....), they have however given all my siblings money for deposits, holidays, etc...(and no, I don't earn way more than any of them except my youngest brother)

I would say either help, or don't, but be fair to all children..

christmaswreaths · 07/02/2016 13:09

I think it entirely depends on how the children are.

My parents were always very poor. When my grandfather died he left the equivalent to £20,000 and my parents decided to give that money to my brother - this is because I was doing quite well and he was massively struggling so I was fine with that.

However my brother just frittered the money away, as he does with all money that comes in. He is just someone who cannot manage his finances, he is terrible at them. He probably earned the same as me or more for a few years but he was always skint, asking my parents for help and eventually after many many years they cottoned on and stopped sending him money. He is still the same now but has found a partner whose parents are willing to help them out and pay for pretty much all the essentials (deposit for a house, new car, etc) even though they both earn enough to save and do this themselves.

I personally would refuse to help my children if they just frittered money away but would take food out of my own mouth to help my children if they are genuinely struggling and trying their best to help themselves.

LadyintheRadiator · 07/02/2016 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trian · 07/02/2016 13:17

this thread has tempted me to post a vitriolic answer more than any other thread I've come across (not that I've been on mumsnet that long). But I'm going to hold back.
I am suffering and have suffered for years due in large part to the selfishness of my parents generation. I've sacrificed a lot in my life in order to do work to try and repair the damage that they have made (previous generations too, but they didn't have universal sufferage, the welfare state etc) to society and the environment that we depend on to keep us alive.
I have no choice but to rely on my parents to a certain extent as I haven't been lucky enough to get a partner and sometimes me and my child need a lift to the out-of-town hospital etc. Unfortunately we're not a society that's advanced enough for people to always be able to distance themselves from family that have let them down.
So my child(ren) will grow up having a fair bit of interaction with their grandparents. But when they're old enough to understand and not be hurt by it, I will be telling them the truth about what their grandparents really are.
My parents generation are going to get a shock when they're old and frail, they've left us with climate change and extortionate housing costs and an NHS that's failing as it prioritises them over other generations.

Headofthehive55 · 07/02/2016 13:17

We have no intention particularly of helping ours out financially (haven't made any provision) after they start earning themselves. Part of the enjoyment if getting something is that it's from your own hard work. A small loan perhaps to buy a car, but lots of love, support and a listening ear.

Our parents didn't help us out so I have no expectation of helping ours out I suppose.

Perhaps however they could live in one of your buy to let's? I think that would be very beneficial, and could give them security. That's what I'd do.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/02/2016 13:25

Help stopping at 18 is unfair if they are still studying. However, I don't think getting help for a deposit on a property is a 'right' in any way. I didn't get that help and it might mean I'll never own, but that is just a fact of life for many people.

DeoGratias · 07/02/2016 13:31

( Wardy1993 Sun 07-Feb-16 12:53:30

DeoGratias isn't it the law that you have to have 2 weeks off after the birth of your baby...? hmm

Floisme · 07/02/2016 13:39

Trian you raise some fair points and I am sorry about your parents.

However the op is claiming to be on a 34K pension, despite retiring early and despite not earning enough to pay for nice holidays or cars while she was working.

Think about it.

TheExMotherInLaw · 07/02/2016 13:48

My children are 27 & 30. However old they are, they're still my children, my family. We help them when we can, if they need it. DD now needs no help; she and partner have just put a deposit on a tiny flat, but we were ready to help if needed. DS is on his feet financially now, we paid for retraining after illness left him unemployed. We ensure they always have a safe car to drive, and until a few years ago had them MOT'd and taxed - not an exciting Christmas present, but one that was appreciated.
Almost 40 years ago my mum lent us money for a house deposit, but died before we could pay her back. She wasn't from a rich background - started life as a kitchen maid.
I'd like to go on a cruise, but couldn't really enjoy splurging money if my kids were in need.