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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think "neighbour" has assaulted my child

719 replies

BubbleBathAddict · 06/02/2016 08:17

Basically my 11 year old son was in a group of school friends yesterday after school. On the way home from the park they played "knock down ginger" -ie they knocked on a couple of front doors quite near us and ran away. Now this is not something I was aware of or would condone, but on the scale of "crime" it's not something to get too excited about.

My son said he did not do the knocking and stayed on the pavement.
At the second house the woman came out and yelled. The boys ran. All of them more quickly than my son it seems. Half way home (a few houses only) he felt someone grab his wrist and the said woman insisted he tell her where he live and frog-marched him home. He was in tears. I was at work, but his dad and older brother were in.

I do not know the woman at all. She apparently said her children were scared. I am pretty furious that she thought it was OK to grab and intimidate a child. That might have been appropriate 40 years ago, but these days touching anyone without consent is battery isn't it?

I don't want to over-react, but will be going over there today. What would you do?

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 06/02/2016 11:33

I get to hear about "rights" all day long at work (secondary teacher).

But, to echo what a poster mentioned above, when I mention the responsibilities that go with having "rights" I'm usually met with blank looks.

VinoTintoPorFavor · 06/02/2016 11:34

I do think the OPs post illustrates to some extent why so many children and young people today are very aware of their rights but have little recognition of their responsibilities.

^ This is spot on.

I'm pleased that almost every single poster sees sense in this.

paxillin · 06/02/2016 11:36

I would be careful, your neighbour looks like someone who won't just take such behaviour. Your ds grows older and the antisocial behaviour might get more extreme. She will ensure he gets landed with an ASBO.

SoleBizzz · 06/02/2016 11:37

I would report your Son to the Police.

fakenamefornow · 06/02/2016 11:40

MN at it's best!

Listen to all the good advice op and make use of this valuable lesson for your son.

scarednoob · 06/02/2016 11:41

If my dad got caned at school, he didn't tell his parents. Because without question, they would bollock him and possibly even give him another whack.

Now of course I am not saying that was right - but it is that stepping away from backing up adults and authority that has let a lot of kids today think they can do what they want. My brother is a headmaster and regularly has kids threatening to sue or telling teachers that they can't do anything to them.

In this case, I would be telling the boy that it serves him right for annoying people and making sure he realises that he was not being cool or clever - he was simply being a nuisance and could have caused real alarm or upset.

You have had a hard time here OP, but if it were me, I would be filtering out the OTT stuff and taking the general message on board. Good luck with it all.

IoraRua · 06/02/2016 11:42

On a side note OP you wouldn't want to send your precious to my school. We recently put children in isolation (quiet work in different classrooms and separated from friends on yard) for behaviour like this on the walk home from school.
I can just imagine the outrage....

Shutthatdoor · 06/02/2016 11:44

I do think the OPs post illustrates to some extent why so many children and young people today are very aware of their rights but have little recognition of their responsibilities.

Agree completely

Oakmaiden · 06/02/2016 11:46

What do you think the woman should have done, then?

She brought him home for his parents to deal with the problem. she "manhandled" him as she couldn't trust him to have not given a false name and address and to immediately run away if she didn't. Should she have called the police? Dealt with it herself? Or just let it go, and let the children continue to harass your neighbours - since this wasn't the only house they had been to that evening, it probably wouldn't have been the last either had she not acted...

Which if those potential actions do you think would have been the right one?

paxillin · 06/02/2016 11:50

Knocking on doors is not that unusual, most kids don't do it, but some will. The difference between a good community and a shithole is usually people like your neighbour, who challenge crap like this so these 11 year olds do not grow into 14 year olds scaring old ladies and burning down bins.

MrsDeVere · 06/02/2016 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/02/2016 11:53

But she did tell him mrsdv. She said she told him off. She just thought the woman's actions were excessive

mommy2ash · 06/02/2016 11:57

I used to have a bunch of 11 years old do this at my house. I went out as asked them to stop they would just laugh at me. My front door was damaged, they would throw stones at my dd's window and she was scared every time there was a knock at the door. One halloween they even lit plastic bags and knocked and ran away which could have scarred me for life had I opened the door quickly.

One day my dad who was aware of all this was in my house just by the front door when they did it again. He ran out chased them up them road roared at them to get bsck cos he would just keep chasing and really and truly bollocked them. I've never seen him so angry. Turned out he knew one of the kids parents and told him if anyone ever came near my house again whether he was with them or not he would be up to his mother with the gardai.

My neighbours came out when they heard all the noise and thanked him cos these little shits were harassing all of them for a laugh. They haven't been seen round here since and if one of their mothers turned up and tried to cry abuse or assault she would get a big piece of mind.

This is an opportunity op to teach your child it is not ok to be a nuisance to others. Or you can pretend the mother did something wrong and come back to us in a few years when he has an asbo and wonder where it all went wrong

ctaxescapee · 06/02/2016 11:58

Dd she say she told him off in a subsequent posting? It's not in the original post.

JessicaRuby · 06/02/2016 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OurBlanche · 06/02/2016 12:00

Yes, top of page 2.

But most of it continued to rant about the woman's behaviour...

Xmasbaby11 · 06/02/2016 12:01

I don't think she did anything wrong. If she hadn't grabbed him he'd probably have run off.

Roussette · 06/02/2016 12:01

I do think the OPs post illustrates to some extent why so many children and young people today are very aware of their rights but have little recognition of their responsibilities.
Like many other posters, this is spot on.

OP - I think you just know your son did wrong and you are clutching at straws and trying to divert away from it all to the woman who brought him home. TBH that bit is irrrelevant and you should be thanking her. She has given you a golden opportunity to nip your DS's behaviour in the bud and teach him a life lesson by perhaps going round with him with an apology and some flowers he has bought from his pocket money. You should be grateful that someone has taken the time and trouble to bring this to your attention.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 06/02/2016 12:02

Maybe the poor woman was at the end of her tether?
Maybe she had a child inside with a disability who was distressed
Maybe she has an elderly relative inside with dementia who was becoming agitated
Maybe she just didn't want to be disturbed in the privacy of her own home
Amazing the lack of empathy from some posters

CaptainCrunch · 06/02/2016 12:02

Amen to rights and responsibilities. Working in a school I hear tiny people yelling about their rights every day. Responsibilities? Hmmm, not so much.

RedToothBrush · 06/02/2016 12:08

I've had kids playing knock and run.

Its horrendous. It puts me constantly on edge and I feel harassed. I can see no fun in it.

I also have a small child. Of course they would always do it, when I was getting him down for a nap or just got him down for nap after spending forever getting to that point only for them to wake him.

Or if he was awake, its difficult to get to the door quickly whilst leaving him safe, if I'm not expecting someone. It doesn't help I can't see the front door from any window.

I eventually worked out who one of the children was doing it, and very politely explained to her Mum why it was causing me so much stress. She was great about it, but it persisted. In fact it got worse.

It was awful.

I seriously considered going to the police over it and installing CCTV for harassment at one point.

Eventually DH and I had a chat with a number of children explaining that it was affecting my son rather than me. It did then stop, but I am still dreading next summer as I expect it to start happening again.

OP in supporting your son you support him making other people's lives a misery. You are supporting him harass others.

In the old days, he would have got a clip round the ear. I don't think that has its place today, however I definitely can see its merit. I have every sympathy for you neighbour. I hope this sees the end to it, for her sake, not yours or your sons.

Your attitude is desperately blinked about the consequences.

emotionsecho · 06/02/2016 12:12

OP, if the woman hadn't 'frogmarched' your ds home would he have told you himself what he had done? Or would he have thought he'd 'got away with it' and carried on doing this?

I know which of the two options seems more likely.

Your child was not assaulted or battered, don't make this into some Shakespearean drama.

SweetAdeline · 06/02/2016 12:17

We had kids do this two days after we had been burgled and it did feel scary. I noticed the next day when it was light that they'd also thrown an egg at the door. I think you should be grateful that she brought it to your attention and make sure you tell his friends parents too.
I'm just glad it was us and not my neighbour who lives alone and is going through chemo at the moment.

SweetAdeline · 06/02/2016 12:20

Oh and DH gave a false name and address to the police at 14 and was caught out. They upgraded his telling off to a formal caution. He was lucky it was back then when cautions were deleted after a certain amount of time. These days they are only "stepped down" and would appear on an enhanced DBS. Would make life pretty difficult if he's wanted to be a doctor etc.

CremeBrulee · 06/02/2016 12:21

You are being so unreasonable I'm practically speechless!

Stop making excuses for such appalling behaviour and put some proper disciple in place to deal with it.

Flowers and an apology for the neighbour at least!