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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think "neighbour" has assaulted my child

719 replies

BubbleBathAddict · 06/02/2016 08:17

Basically my 11 year old son was in a group of school friends yesterday after school. On the way home from the park they played "knock down ginger" -ie they knocked on a couple of front doors quite near us and ran away. Now this is not something I was aware of or would condone, but on the scale of "crime" it's not something to get too excited about.

My son said he did not do the knocking and stayed on the pavement.
At the second house the woman came out and yelled. The boys ran. All of them more quickly than my son it seems. Half way home (a few houses only) he felt someone grab his wrist and the said woman insisted he tell her where he live and frog-marched him home. He was in tears. I was at work, but his dad and older brother were in.

I do not know the woman at all. She apparently said her children were scared. I am pretty furious that she thought it was OK to grab and intimidate a child. That might have been appropriate 40 years ago, but these days touching anyone without consent is battery isn't it?

I don't want to over-react, but will be going over there today. What would you do?

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 06/02/2016 10:53

I would have thanked her for bringing my child home and teaching him a valuable lesson. I would have thought good on her.

I remember my neighbour telling off my other neighbour's child when he caught the child throwing stones at people's cars. He didn't touch him, just told him off. Sadly the parent of the child told the neighbour off for discipling her child Hmm It's such a shame we have got to the stage where telling off other people's children if we see them doing something naughty results in the parent being arsey that someone dared tell off their precious snowflake.

OurBlanche · 06/02/2016 10:53

A couple of doors away!

SoupDragon · 06/02/2016 10:54

I must say that is someone frogmarched any of mine home under thos circumstances I would have thanked them for bringing the behaviour to my attention, apologised profusely and grounded my child for a good while.

I wouldn't be bleating about assault and/or battery and I'm shocked that anyone thinks it would be acceptable to do so. Had the adult given my child a slap things would be different.

chicaguapa · 06/02/2016 10:54

I think it would be hard to admonish the neighbour for thinking it was OK to intimidate a child when the DC had been doing exactly that themselves with the neighbour's children, albeit unknowingly. Hmm

I wouldn't be too happy myself if a neighbour had done this to my DC but I wouldn't think he/she had broken the law. Better to focus on your DC's behaviour and make sure he doesn't put himself in a position again where a neighbour feels they need to take it upon themselves to discipline his bad behaviour. Which I think you have done anyway.

RumAppleGinger · 06/02/2016 10:56

OP what action do you think would have been appropriate for this woman to take? Genuine question, how in your opinion should she have reacted?

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 06/02/2016 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhirlyTwos · 06/02/2016 10:56

I can't get worked up about either kids playing ages old childish games, nor a woman on the receiving end frogmarching a kid home. Kids will be kids and adults will be irritated by it.

To turn it into a tresspass / harrassment vs. Assault / battery issue is ridiculous.

I do think the OPs post illustrates to some extent why so many children and young people today are very aware of their rights but have little recognition of their responsibilities.

Andthentherewasmum · 06/02/2016 10:57

So you 100% believe your son about his lack of involvement because he clearly has no reason to lie...Hmm

And you completely disregard the word of an adult who told you her children were scared because oh she must have a reason to lie...Hmm

I think that unless you readjust your thinking OP you're going to have a lot more neighbours banging on your door.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 06/02/2016 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lightbulbon · 06/02/2016 11:00

When did anyone blame the op for working? Confused

I've been at work and my 11yo is expected to come home from school, stay in the house and behave.

I wouldn't be happy with him wandering the streets with other kids,meeting up to mischief.

Op do you not agree your son needs to change his habits? You haven't said " and I'll be stopping him hanging out with these young people who are behaving anti socially".

I'm sorry your husband is disabled. Maybe you need more family support. If so contact social services. Don't use it as an excuse for youth offending or poor parenting.

Narp · 06/02/2016 11:01

I agree with you Whirly

HelpfulChap · 06/02/2016 11:02

If that had happened when I was a kid my mum would have apologised to the neighbour and probably given me a whack on the legs with a wooden spoon.

Grin
StableYard · 06/02/2016 11:04

As you said 40 years ago it was probably ok to grab a child by the wrist. 40 years ago Knock up ginger was probably ok to play.

Neither are acceptable now. I however would be furious at my son and would be telling him off for causing distress to someone. If he hadn't then he would not have needed to be spoken to by the neighbour.

timelytess · 06/02/2016 11:05

Like mother, like son.

BarbarianMum · 06/02/2016 11:07

I loved playing 'knock down ginger' as a child - right up until the point one if the neighbours caught me and shouted at me (he then dragged me home and my parents apologised and bollocked me too). Which is exactly what would happen to my ds if he behaved in the way you describe. "Battery" my arse!

SleepyRoo · 06/02/2016 11:08

Many 11 year old boys don't look that young, do they. I think the neighbour was quite gutsy to do what she did, I'd be intimidated by your son and his friends.

Colchestergal · 06/02/2016 11:09

"What a lovely place Mumsnet is. Thank you for all your replies."

It is a place where people speak honestly. You clearly don't like hearing you were wrong.

cleaty · 06/02/2016 11:12

Knock up ginger was not okay 40 years ago. My parents warned us against ever doing this. Lots of kids did not, some did.

sheldonesque · 06/02/2016 11:13

A former colleague's disabled husband reacted with a few choice words following a game of knock down ginger. This only made them do it all the more and it escalated - eggs thrown, garden damaged, windows broken.

He killed himself.

They didn't know they were tormenting a frustrated and broken man and he had enough of feeling useless and unable to protect his wife.

Pobspits · 06/02/2016 11:18

Oh for goodness sake. She probably shouldn't have grabbed him but then he definitely shouldn't have been doing what he was doing.

Personally I'd be taking him round to apologise and giving him a bollocking not feeling sorry for him!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 06/02/2016 11:18

I do think the OPs post illustrates to some extent why so many children and young people today are very aware of their rights but have little recognition of their responsibilities.

STANDING MOTHERFUCKING OVATION!

But I hate all that "kids will be kids" bollocks. I never harassed anyone or played "knock down ginger". I grew up on a council estate, by the way.

GabiSolis · 06/02/2016 11:20

Gosh OP. I think your attitude on this thread says a lot. Why bother posting in AIBU if you're not willing to accept other people's opinions?!

Look, your DS probably won't turn into a criminal mastermind but that doesn't mean you can excuse low level harassment because you think it's harmless. And yes, we all played knock down ginger, but harassment is what it is and it clearly was not harmless to the lady who frogmarched your DS home.

You have a clear opportunity here to reinforce with your DS that his behaviour is not acceptable. I sincerely doubt he was standing out on the street (probably didn't want to admit the truth to you) but even if he was, he was complicit in what his friends did. If you march around to the house where the lady lives and have a go at her you will not only be making yourself look rather silly, you will also be teaching your DS that what he did was somewhere in the realm of acceptable. The lady did not assault your DS, that is a really daft thing to try to suggest and I suspect you probably do know that deep down.

Please do go round to the house and apologise, take your DS with you. This is a golden opportunity to lead by example and will do more for your DS than pampering him.

AlwaysHopeful1 · 06/02/2016 11:24

These days parents are so quick to cry 'battery', 'assault', crime that they are just condoning their kids bad behaviour. What you should have done is told your son when he behaves like he did there will be consequences. Fwiw I think your son deserved more than a grab of the wrist. Thankfully people like that woman know how to discipline a child rather than his mother.

Spudlet · 06/02/2016 11:24

You are not being unreasonable. You are being bloody ridiculous.

bushtailadventures · 06/02/2016 11:28

We suffered, and I do mean suffered, with children/young teenagers 'playing' knock down ginger a few years ago. It did nothing for my anxiety, or the anxiety of my teenage daughter, in fact it got to the point where we just didn't want to be at home. If I could have got up the nerve to go out and grab one of them so I could tell the parents what they were doing, I would have done in a heartbeat. It might seem like a game, but it feels like a targeted attack at the time.

You have no idea how many times that woman had had to deal with it,but I imagine, given her reaction, it was more than once. No doubt your son was annoyed at being caught, but he could have gone home alone instead of 'waiting on the pavement'. If you have the nerve, take him round to apologise, and remind him that it's not always a harmless game, sometimes it can drive people to the edge.