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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my DH to help out financially with my moving costs?

99 replies

Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/02/2016 22:35

Splitting up and I have started divorce proceedings. STBXH not a happy bunny re finances.
I have found THE perfect house to rent but it means DH has to start transferring CM into my bank account asap in order to prove my income. Also means I might need financial help with moving van, etc.
AIBU to ask him to start paying CM BEFORE I've actually moved out>

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/02/2016 22:39

I think YABU are arent you? You've started divorce proceedings, but expect him to bend over backwards to help you financially? Hmm. I don't think I'd be keen tbh.

BillSykesDog · 05/02/2016 22:47

YABU.

CocoChanel22 · 05/02/2016 22:49

Yabu, obviously.

Moomintroll85 · 05/02/2016 22:49

Erm... yabu I think Confused

gingerboy1912 · 05/02/2016 22:50

It would be very convenient for you. But sadly yabu

MsVestibule · 05/02/2016 22:51

Why on earth would he willingly pay CM while he's still maintaining his children in his home?! On the very limited information you've given, I certainly wouldn't.

BrandNewAndImproved · 05/02/2016 22:52

Why don't you get a job and have an income instead of using child maintenance as your income.

Original poster
Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/02/2016 22:54

"Maintaining his children in his home".
He isn't.

OP posts:
WhatTheActualFugg · 05/02/2016 22:56

Is he still living with you OP?

cuntycowfacemonkey · 05/02/2016 22:57

I think you need to give more info op, based on the very limited op it looks yabu

Original poster
Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/02/2016 23:06

I can't give too much info as he might be watching/following threads on MN.
Married 15 years, 3 DCs.
He is EA and FA.
I have filed for divorce, solicitor has pointed out to me that he is financially controlling.
Not sleeping in same room anymore. I am on the floor downstairs, he is in the matrimonial bed upstairs.
DCs "aware" that something is not right.
He is refusing to play ball wrt divorce so it's up to me to make things happen.
I should add that I would love to go back to work but he refuses to help wrt childcare before school, after school and at weekends, so God knows what it would be like in school hols.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 05/02/2016 23:07

"Maintaining his children in his home".
He isn't.

Well why don't you give us a bit more information about your current financial/domestic arrangements, and you may get more relevant advice?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 05/02/2016 23:08

What planet are you other posters on?
Of course he should do what he can to help you move out, presuming you're taking and housing the kids with you?

MsVestibule · 05/02/2016 23:09

It all sounds awful, but presumably he is paying for the rent/mortgage and food for the children? Or not?

ollieplimsoles · 05/02/2016 23:14

Is he not supporting your decision to divorce and end the marriage?

Well done on making the first step and getting out of an abusive relationship though op Flowers

BillSykesDog · 05/02/2016 23:15

How about a childminder or before/after school clubs? Breakfast clubs and the like?

BillSykesDog · 05/02/2016 23:16

I hate to point this out, but if you are relying on him to pay the rent via CM could you even be sure he would pay it? Would you not perhaps be better off looking for somewhere that would accept housing benefit?

Original poster
Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/02/2016 23:16

He pays the mortgage because he sees it as "his" house even thuogh it's the family home. but he has never paid for food, DCs clothes, shoes, haircuts, after school clubs, school uniforms, toys, etc.
Yes I will be taking the DCs with me because he doesn't want the inconvenience/ expense of looking after them.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 05/02/2016 23:19

Do you own your current home or is it also rented? This will make a difference to whether you are entitled to a lump sum.

Ignore nasty and stupid remark about getting a job from previous poster who must be living in a parallel world where stay at home parents can suddenly and miraculously conjure up jobs which will pay enough to cover the childcare expenses and still leave enough to pay rent and live on and children who can adapt to the breaking up of their family and a sudden and abrupt move into full time childcare with strangers without any difficulty.

Original poster
Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/02/2016 23:20

Childminder would be fine with me, but I would have to pay for this out of my minimum wage earnings whilst DH is high earner but refuses to pay Child minder for me to go out to work (like it's a luxury).

OP posts:
Baconyum · 05/02/2016 23:25

The reality is you are now responsible financially for you and dc. Why have you not organised an income to live on before finding somewhere to live?

Original poster
Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/02/2016 23:27

This particular letting agent only need proof of CM, CTC and CB. HB is not taken into account, even though I would be entitled to it.
I just need him to make one or two payments into my bank account to prove to letting agent that I am receiving it.
After I have been accepted he can stop paying it and I can afford to pay rent myself with CTC, CB and JSA which will hopefully be replaced with wages after I have moved out.
Whether he continues to pay CM after I move out is up to him and his conciouncse.
House in his name only as he wanted it that way!

OP posts:
Fizrim · 05/02/2016 23:28

If he is financially abusive now, then he is not likely to be financially helpful in the future, unfortunately. I wouldn't rely on him to pay up.

Bogeyface · 05/02/2016 23:28

I have read your previous threads, and YANBU but I very much doubt he will do it.

However, if you are living seperately and he is not contributing anything to you or the kids then you can claim tax credits/income support etc in your own name, and also CM. So you could give him the option of paying it voluntarily or you going throught the CSA (or whatever they are called now).

I hope you get rid of this fuckwit soon. I thought you were going to fight for the house with Mr "take anything you like but dont take my house"?

HeddaGarbled · 05/02/2016 23:29

Cross posted. I hope your solicitor has told you that you are entitled to at least half the equity in your house. Not his house. It's a joint asset and you will probably get more than half because the need to house the children will take precedence. He'll probably have to sell it.

Really, I don't think you stand a prayer that he will do anything to help you out at the moment. If you stick it out where you are and crack on with the divorce he'll end up having to give you more in the long run.