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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my DH to help out financially with my moving costs?

99 replies

Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/02/2016 22:35

Splitting up and I have started divorce proceedings. STBXH not a happy bunny re finances.
I have found THE perfect house to rent but it means DH has to start transferring CM into my bank account asap in order to prove my income. Also means I might need financial help with moving van, etc.
AIBU to ask him to start paying CM BEFORE I've actually moved out>

OP posts:
Soooosie · 05/02/2016 23:29

Some people clearly have no idea about living with a completely financially controlling partner.

Viviennemary · 05/02/2016 23:32

Spousal maintenance seems to be a thing of the past these days. He will be expected to contribute towards the cost of the children after you split up but not towards you. Did you not think this through before deciding to divorce. How can he pay child maintenance when presumably he's already paying for the upkeep of the children. Their food, the mortgage, clothes and so on. You seem to be living in cloud cuckoo land OP. Money doesn't grow on trees it has to be earned.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 05/02/2016 23:33

Oh I remember you previous threads now. He's an arsehole and I doubt very much he'll help you. Good luck though I hope it works out for you Flowers

Original poster
Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/02/2016 23:35

Why have I not organised an income to live on?
Because when you have 3 children whose father refuses to take them to school, collect them from school. help towards childcare costs, refuse to take any holidays during school hols, expects his 70 year old MIL to "step up" and look after his DCs whilst his DW goes to work whilst he goes to play golf, yeat still expects his DW to find a job that fits in with his hours, pays 4 x the national mininmum wage, and has no impact on his life whatsoever, it's a tad difficult!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 05/02/2016 23:35

Sorry, that is, living seperately but in the same house.

And he doesnt get a choice of CM, he has to pay it and they will take it out of his wages if necessary.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2016 23:36

He will not ever contribute what he should to his kids. He won't. You need to make other arrangements.

maddening · 05/02/2016 23:37

Surely until you've divorced it is family money so you are both entitled to it - I take it he is still using the same money.

yummumto3girls · 05/02/2016 23:41

Viviennemary what a nasty post! Read the thread , OP pays for everything else! OP you have my sympathy, it's a bloody nightmare to break free when his life takes priority. Can nobody lend you the money to get out... And then take him to the cleaners! Good luck.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/02/2016 23:41

Op call CMS and ask them if you can start a claim against him.

I got child maintenance before starting divorce proceedings as I had split up from ex already my solicitor suggested I start a claim when I had my first consultation.

Downside it won't be quick.

Good luck

HeddaGarbled · 05/02/2016 23:42

Oh for goodness sake some of the comments on here are horrendous. Viviennemary, have you actually read the OPs comments? She is working, earning minimum wage and still paying for everything related to the children and herself. His children. He won't help out with childcare and doesn't pay anything for his children except the mortgage on his precious house which he thinks is all his so his wife and children have to move into rented accommodation on a minimum wage job while he sits in "his house" by himself and resents paying any money at all to feed and clothe and house his own children. Money, doesn't grow on trees, for fucks sake, that is a horrible thing to say.

Original poster
Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/02/2016 23:42

There is no "family money". He has his 4x national hourly wage, me and the DCs have CTC and CB.

OP posts:
TheTigerIsOut · 05/02/2016 23:44

Find anothersolicitor, pretty basic thing to tell you that the house belongs to both of you irrespective of only him being listed in the deeds. One of those benefits you get for being married. Actually, don't find another solicitor... Start by getting the Which? Guide to Divorce from amazon and only use a solicitor for case specific questions (that book can save you thousands of pounds)

I think that you are right on saying he should help you move out especially if he is earning far more than you, actually the most decent thing to do will be for him to let you stay in the house with the children until the assets are separated but it seems he has proved you for long enough that that is not who he is.

Anyway, you need to start standing on your own feet, that doesn't meant that is the fair thing to do, just that you cannot expect him to be reasonable so....

First things first:

  • use the calculator at entitledto.org.uk to find what help you are entitled to and apply straight away.
  • contact CMO and apply for child maintenance asap.
  • check your expenses and start working out how you can reduce the outgoings until your income goes up.
  • Don't tell the children you are splitting until you know what is happening next, ie. Where they are going to live, when and how often they will see the other parent, etc. Remember the less uncertain the situation the better that they will take it.

Best of luck.

gooseberryroolz · 05/02/2016 23:50

Vivienne always says cunty things to or about DV victims yumm. It seems to be her hobby.

OP have you any other ways of raising a lump sum, however inventive? If you could put 3 or 6 months rent dow, the letting agent might accept that.

TheTigerIsOut · 05/02/2016 23:52

"Spousal maintenance seems to be a thing of the past these days. He will be expected to contribute towards the cost of the children after you split up but not towards you. Did you not think this through before deciding to divorce"

Just for the record, it takes far more courage to divorce than staying in an unhappy marriage, the easiest path is staying miserable at home.Are you expecting her to stay in an unhappy marriage for the money? What kind of woman are you?

Original poster
Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/02/2016 23:53

viviennemary, he has NEVER in 15 years paid for his DCs food, clothing, school uniforms, after school clubs, haircuts, nappies, baby milk, cots, prams, pushchairs, cough medicines, school trips, days out, etc, etc.
He has however paid for HIS mortgage, HIS iphone 6, HIS sky package with all it's add ons at £117.00 per month, HIS golf club fees at over £1,000 per year.
I could go on, but all I want is for him to make a couple of payments into my bank account to make it look like he pays CM on a regular basis. I can assure you that as soon as I and the DCs move those payments will stop.

OP posts:
gooseberryroolz · 05/02/2016 23:55

Do the DC have savings that you could borrow?

ollieplimsoles · 05/02/2016 23:58

What do his family think op? You mentioned a 70 year old mil, is there anyone else?

BillSykesDog · 05/02/2016 23:58

Can you change the locks while he's out?

If you want to move out going through a letting agent may not be the best option because of all the checks they do. You might be best off for a little while moving somewhere which is not perfect but is good enough and will allow you to get back on your feet before moving onto somewhere perfect.

Often a good option is finding a direct let between you and a landlord, so houses advertised online, on local noticeboards. Another good way to find one is jungle drums if friends or family know a let is going. Often they will take things on trust of what you say about the situation rather than checks.

How about your Mum? Is she local, does she have any room? Then you could get benefits, CM, and possibly even a job sorted (with tax credits for childcare). It doesn't sound like he will help so you might be better off letting this house go and looking at other options.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/02/2016 00:00

I know less than nothing about UK benefits, but why can't they be changed to be paid to you?

Original poster
Iwantmymaidennameback · 06/02/2016 00:01

The DC are 7, 9 and 13. They have no savings and if they did I wouldn't touch them. I don't think they should pay just because their father refuses to acknowledge our divorce.
I have paid out over £700 towards this divorce so far and mt "income" is only £600 per month, but it is worth every penny if it gets me free from Dh.

OP posts:
TheTigerIsOut · 06/02/2016 00:01

OP, looking at the answer you provided to the question "Why you haven't organised an income to live on?"

Please be reassured that you will be able to do all that and work, once this man, who is constantly tripping you down, is out of your life. There will be money worries, but you may be surprised to realise that you find parenting, keeping up with the chores and working once he is out of the equation.

Original poster
Iwantmymaidennameback · 06/02/2016 00:05

My Db has said we can move in with him but he only has a 2 bed house. Will that help me in the long run if we move in there?

OP posts:
TheTigerIsOut · 06/02/2016 00:05

It wouldn't be enough for him to make a couple of payments as child maintenance, when I had to go through that hurdle they asked me to provide one year of statements, a solicitor letter establishing how much he had agreed to pay in CM or a letter from the CSA.

Original poster
Iwantmymaidennameback · 06/02/2016 00:08

I just want to move out but without proof of CM payments I'm stuck and have no idea how to move forwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwantmymaidennameback · 06/02/2016 00:10

Can I apply to CMA if we are still in the same house but not together?

OP posts: