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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my DH to help out financially with my moving costs?

99 replies

Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/02/2016 22:35

Splitting up and I have started divorce proceedings. STBXH not a happy bunny re finances.
I have found THE perfect house to rent but it means DH has to start transferring CM into my bank account asap in order to prove my income. Also means I might need financial help with moving van, etc.
AIBU to ask him to start paying CM BEFORE I've actually moved out>

OP posts:

Original poster

Iwantmymaidennameback · 07/02/2016 09:08

Sorry, think I'm just ranting as finding it really difficult atm.
DS2 has 1 pair of shoes that he has to use for home and school, 1 bloody pair. And DS1 seems to have had a growth spurt and when he went to school on friday he looked ridiculous as the trousers were halfway up his legs.

Am so tempted to just write myself a big fat cheque out of his cheque book so I can get them some new shoes and trousers. I can just hear him now shouting "Thief" at me.
He has just swanned off to play his sport/hobby, which makes me fume even more as it's an expensive hobby.

OP posts:

BrandNewAndImproved · 07/02/2016 10:09

Op you need to take back control.

If you don't work in your shoes I'd go back to the council, stay in a shitty b&b that they'll put you in for 6 months (although as you have four dc you'll probably get temp housing instead) and get a council house.

As a sp unless you find a decent landlord you'll be moving around all the time, having to find removal costs plus the deposit until the other deposit gets released ect ect. So declare yourself homeless and sign on for a while (you can't work whilst in temp accommodation) or stay with your brother whilst bidding on houses though that will take longer.

You need to be kicked out by your husband or proof of abuse to do this or they won't help and say you made yourself homeless.

fuzzywuzzy · 07/02/2016 10:31

OP do you have a joint account? Write out a check for yourself spend some on clothes for the kids and use some for a deposit for a flat.

HermioneWeasley · 07/02/2016 10:44

Let him shout theif! Keep the receipts for what you spend and let him justify to the court why his children shouldn't have shoes and clothes that fit.

He's a selfish prick who is used to controlling you, he is not going to become more helpful now you are refusing. He is going to be worse and worse, but assuming he is in a salaried job he can and will be made to pay towards his kids, and you may be entitled to spousal maintenance for a period of time. You've got a few months you need to bridge.

Original poster

Iwantmymaidennameback · 07/02/2016 11:02

Not a joint account, never had one in 16 years. His personal account so not "family" money. Think there's about £8,000 in it so not exactly struggling is he?
I should have stood up to him 16 years ago and sorted all this stuff out then. Too late now obviously.
How the hell do I make myself homeless/ get him to kick me out? Not sure that's going to work with the DCs.

OP posts:

BrandNewAndImproved · 07/02/2016 11:21

I'd start by writing a check out to myself, letting him kick right off then ring the police on him when he's kicking off.

Then I'd go to the council and say you already recognise this man is FA, now he's intimidating me to the point I have had to call the police and I don't feel safe in my own home and can't live there anymore.

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 07/02/2016 11:23

The problem with getting yourself kicked out is that they could say that the DC can stay where they are as they have a home iyswim.

Original poster

Iwantmymaidennameback · 07/02/2016 11:40

Mmm think I need to take DB up on his offer. Will call him whilst D not home.

OP posts:

Clutterbugsmum · 07/02/2016 11:52

Check with the benefits agency and see if you are entitled to any benefit as you have started divorce proceedings and are moving out.

Go to the CMS and have it taken out of his salary so he can not mess around and only give you what he thinks you 'deserve'.

Mrsrochesterscat · 07/02/2016 11:57

Take up DB's offer, it gets you and DC out of danger when the divorce papers arrive. I am quite concerned how he will react - it sounds like you have always "behaved", if you are no longer "behaving" it's possible he will try to take back control violently. Take all documents inc financial, passports etc.

Once at you DBs the housing officer will review your position on the list. If your brother then writes a letter giving you notice to leave, the HA will house you (after a period of time being in emergency accommodation). You have evidence of abuse, they will not suggest the DC already have a home. You can work whilst in emergency accommodation.

BrandNewAndImproved · 07/02/2016 21:10

You won't be able to afford the rent in emergency accommodation. Living with your brother and having him give you notice is however a good idea. They won't expect you to leave your dc.

BillSykesDog · 07/02/2016 21:17

Yes, but in emergency accommodation she will be getting HB no? So she could put off working until permanently housed. I have to say I really don't think it would be a good idea to start a new job with this sort of upheaval going on and time spent needing to move etc, etc. Not to mention that as OP wouldn't know where she was going to be housed the commute etc might not be practicable in the perm accommodation.

BrandNewAndImproved · 07/02/2016 21:29

If the op starts work in emergency accommodation she'll be stuck paying 75/100 per night. If she signs on hb will cover the cost.

Mrsrochesterscat · 07/02/2016 22:45

BillSykes, makes a good point there about the impact of all the upheaval etc, I hadn't thought about all that.

Original poster

Iwantmymaidennameback · 07/02/2016 22:58

£!00 per night? That can't be right. I could rent a 3 bed house for £475.00 pcm privately.
And I really need to get back to some sort of employment asap in order to get back some independence and buy food and clothes for DCs beauase, as has been pointed out by pps, when he gets the divorce papers he will get worse, not better.
Can I work whilst in emergency housing or not?
Very confused now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iwantmymaidennameback · 07/02/2016 23:00

Also should add that LHA is only £117.00 per week so that won't cover emergency housing if it really is that expensive.

OP posts:

BillSykesDog · 07/02/2016 23:12

I think emergency housing is exempt from the LHA.

gooseberryroolz · 07/02/2016 23:30

A quick google suggests TA is NOT exempt from LHA limits, which is almost unbelievable. (Looks like a coalition govt 'reform')

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/homelessness/temporary_and_long-term_housing_offers_from_the_council/temporary_housing_after_the_council_has_made_a_decision

www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/240119/hbsgm-sec6.pdf

Maybe calling the Shelter helpline would be a good idea in case there have been further, recent revisions or there are subtleties in the system?

Original poster

Iwantmymaidennameback · 07/02/2016 23:33

Thanks, will take a look at that link. Doesn't sound good though.

OP posts:

gooseberryroolz · 07/02/2016 23:35

This page is specifically about your situation;

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/homelessness/whats_your_situation/homeless_due_to_domestic_violence_or_abuse

Using DV services, if they are a better option, is completely reasonable given EA, FA and Psychological abuse.

gooseberryroolz · 07/02/2016 23:41

Okay this (fortnight old) article confirms that the LHA cap hasn't been applied to refuges yet and won't be until AT LEAST April (there's a lot of opposition to refuges being included in that cut;

www.housing.org.uk/press/press-releases/older-people-disabled-people-and-most-vulnerable-to-lose-68-a-week/

So a refuge could be a good option in more way than one. You'd get a lot of practical help there with housing applications etc.

I think maybe 2016 is going to be your year. You've pt up with that idiot long enough

wannabestressfree · 08/02/2016 06:21

I think Bill is right. I would sort moving and settling the children first and apply for all your benefits then get a job. Its a lot for your children to take in at once.

BillSykesDog · 08/02/2016 11:00

Yep, I think it would be better at least for a little while for your children to have the status quo with you at home while everything is changing. Don't allow yourself to be made to feel guilty, this is exactly what the benefits system is for and a good use of it's money. And frankly a good investment in your children's future.

mummytime · 08/02/2016 11:17

So you are going to continue to allow him to financially abuse you?

Sorry but you are entitled to money from him to support your (joint) children
This is not being money grabbing, it is a basic principle of law in the UK - parents are responsible for the fnancial support of their children. The fact he hasn't supported them up to now is irrelevant.
Get a GREAT lawyer. Fight for your and their rights.

When a person becomes a parent they become financially responsible for that child - if you don't take action to make him pay you are effectively helping him to steal money from your children.
The house is also an asset of the marriage, and you and the children are entitled to more than 50% of the value.

For your children's sake get a lawyer who understands and will fight for their rights (even if you can't fight for your own).

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