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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my DH to help out financially with my moving costs?

99 replies

Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/02/2016 22:35

Splitting up and I have started divorce proceedings. STBXH not a happy bunny re finances.
I have found THE perfect house to rent but it means DH has to start transferring CM into my bank account asap in order to prove my income. Also means I might need financial help with moving van, etc.
AIBU to ask him to start paying CM BEFORE I've actually moved out>

OP posts:
gooseberryroolz · 06/02/2016 00:11

Your DB's or a refuge might be the way to unstick the current blockage.

Or; borrow, sell things etc to raise six months rent down.

Once you are out you can chase the bastard properly for a reasonable financial settlement.

I'm sure your DC would be willing to be temporarily deprived of many things to be out of there and have their mum safe and happy.

antimatter · 06/02/2016 00:11

I would have thought you can apply to CSA straight away now.

Have you looked into it?

Every week you delay is hundred pounds less for your kids!

TheTigerIsOut · 06/02/2016 00:11

I'm not sure but nothing is lost by trying, have you got your TC notification already? Give them a ring and ask.

Bogeyface · 06/02/2016 01:22

If you are seperated (and given that you have started divorce proceedings, it would be agreed that you are) then you can make claims as a single woman.

So that includes CTC/WTC and CM. So yes, you can make claims now.

Inertia · 06/02/2016 08:33

As long as you are married, the house is a marital asset, as are both of your savings pensions etc.

BrandNewAndImproved · 06/02/2016 09:57

So are you planning to live on child maintenance and benefits until they leave school?

I'm not sure why his refusal to do a school run stops you from working. There are plenty of options out there for help with childcare for working parents. Breakfast club, childminders that do school runs and pick ups, after school clubs and term time only jobs. Holiday clubs if it's not term time only, the local leisure centres do 9 to 3/5 activity days in school holidays ect ect.

If you want to be free of this man you need to be independent. If he's FA why on earth are you planning on relying on him financially?

HermioneJeanGranger · 06/02/2016 10:29

If I were you, OP, I would move into your brothers and start saving some money. I assume he won't charge you rent, but even if you give him a small amount towards bills, you'll be able to save enough for a deposit. Yes, overcrowding isn't fun but you'll have your freedom from your awful H and surely that's worth it's weight in gold?

Get in touch with the CAB and CMS and get the ball rolling with WRT to financial independence. Good luck. Flowers

expatinscotland · 06/02/2016 10:31

'My Db has said we can move in with him but he only has a 2 bed house. Will that help me in the long run if we move in there?'

Yes.

'I could go on, but all I want is for him to make a couple of payments into my bank account to make it look like he pays CM on a regular basis. I can assure you that as soon as I and the DCs move those payments will stop.'

How do you plan to pay the rent then? You do realise not telling your LL you are on housing benefit can lead to your being evicted? And also that there are LHA caps, which are extremely so, meaning you have to top up the rent out of your own income.

Your children are all school aged. The benefit you will get is JSA. They are going to expect you to find a job and use childcare.

Baconyum · 06/02/2016 10:48

When I said organise I meant what other posters have said about benefits too not just possibly earning.

No it's not fair he hasn't and won't support his children properly financially but as pp have said you knew this.

Agree you need a much better solicitor as a decent one would have told you this. I've not seen your other threads I don't think will look in a moment, but were you not advised here or did you not seek advice in real life from cab or similar regarding benefits and income?

I was a sahm when I left my ex had no income at all. He wiped the joint account days after I kicked him out for cheating. But I had suspected for a while and had been organising myself accordingly. Had opened my own account and arranged for cb and CTC to go into there, got the forms for housing and council tax benefit, spoken to CSA, and had started completing the forms (could at least put in the basic info name address etc) before hand.

But I wouldn't have been looking for somewhere else to rent privately before knowing I could pay the rent and satisfy the terms of getting the property. As pp said private let's are far more stringent about background checks. And its illegal to not tell them you're in receipt of housing benefit if that's in the terms of your rental agreement. Many private landlords won't take housing benefit and even if they do its with a guarantor.

You've been considering leaving for a while it sounds like so not a spur of the moment decision and I know a very difficult one. But part of that is considering what you need in place.

harshbuttrue1980 · 06/02/2016 12:01

You will have to get a job and use childcare. The courts won't insist that he provides for you so that you don't have to work. On the other hand, he will have to pay child maintenance whether he likes it or not. After a divorce, it is usually the case that both parties have to do things they don't want to do.

Lightbulbon · 06/02/2016 12:11

Can you stay put until the financial settlement of the divorce is sorted? The house will get sold and assets divided then you can get your own place.

Lightbulbon · 06/02/2016 12:12

If he's got a pension you are entitled to some of that too.

fuzzywuzzy · 06/02/2016 12:27

Harsh OP does work

gooseberryroolz · 06/02/2016 19:15

You will have to get a job and use childcare.

That's what OP said she wants to do.

The courts won't insist that he provides for you so that you don't have to work

She hasn't mentioned alimony Confused She's even resigned to having difficulty securing regular CM.

The problem she's having is upfront costs for childcare and a rental house.

evilcherub · 06/02/2016 20:31

If you are working minimum wage you will also be able to get working tax credits which should help a bit?

wannabestressfree · 06/02/2016 20:50

Can the council provide a 'what we pay towards rent' document so any prospective landlords can see. Also I found private landlords are generally more understanding. Could you squirrel away cash and pay some in advance.....

Original poster
Iwantmymaidennameback · 06/02/2016 21:37

Okay, just to clarify.
I do not expect AT ALL that H will pay me alimony (does that even exist anymore?). I do NOT intend to live on benefits and CM until the DCs leave school. I would love to find meaningful productive employment that would give me back some feeling of self worth, that I currently do not have.
I have applied for countless jobs over the past few weeks but I am limited because H expects ME to take the DCs to school, collect them, be there for them every evening and weekend and be available all school hols and any sick days, etc. I have applied for cleaning, packing, driving/delivery, anything that FITS in with his requirements, but no replies yet.
I am not attempting to lie about HB to any potential LL. The letting agent I have viewed this particular house with informed me that they do not take HB into consideration. They only want to know that I receive CTC, which I do, CB which I do and CM which, hopefully I will. The LL has already stated that, under these conditions, he is quite happy to take on a tenant who claims HB, so no deception intended.
Think I'm just freaking out a bit as have signed the Divorce papers and solicitor says H will get his copy some time next week. Think that is when the shit will really hit the fan and TBH I would much rather NOT be living in the family home when they arrive.

OP posts:
MunchMunch · 06/02/2016 22:07

Could you not see your local housing association or council to see if they can help you and your dc with finding a new home?

I'd seriously look into staying with your db asap. It might be cramped and stressful but it's got to be better than where you are.

Good luck finding work and a new home and life for you and your dc.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2016 22:09

Then I'd go to your brother's, because your H has already proven he is FA. He will continue to try to exert power over you however he can. You cannot expect him to become helpful because he isn't now.

Viviennemary · 06/02/2016 22:13

I just came back to this thread. I didn't realise OP had a job. I apologise. Sorry Op. I got it wrong. You will get tax credits and help with childcare if you are on a low wage.

MsJamieFraser · 06/02/2016 22:19

YABU, he is not responsible to ay for this children while the are living under his roof... you need to pay for moving home... not him... as he has a home for his children.

once you get you home then he needs to pay CM

Nottodaythankyouorever · 06/02/2016 22:24

Could you not see your local housing association or council to see if they can help you and your dc with finding a new home?

Depending were the OP is it is highly unlikely as they do havery somewhere to live.

Original poster
Iwantmymaidennameback · 06/02/2016 22:49

Actually I have been accepted onto the local HA list as they agree H is being FA. however for some reason they have put us down as needing a 4 bed home. I am going to get in touch with them on Monday to ask if they will consider us for a 3 bed as theres no way we'd get a 4 bed. surely the DSs could share a bedroom?
As solicitor pointed out to me, "why would a single man need a 4 bed house? He will have to sell and move into a smaller house". So MsJamieFraser, yes he does have a home for his children, but they also need a home with me. And as he's not prepared to house them full time in "his" house, then he has to leave his 4 bed and find somewhere cheaper, no?

OP posts:
Fizrim · 06/02/2016 23:28

If you are leaving him, why are you only applying for jobs that meet his criteria? Create your own criteria, his don't matter any more!

redexpat · 07/02/2016 00:31

Oh I think I remember you. In a nutshell: He kept wanting to work it out but not actually do anything, you told him to either pay for relate or a solicitor. He refused to pay for relate. He thought he would keep everything material, but came back from the solicitor saying looks like im fucked then.

Yes it woumd be nice if he would give you some CM to start the ball rolling but we know he isnt nice, so probably wont. Find another source. Parents? HA? Charitable organisations? Credit union?