Aibu to say "no" to dd's godfather?

[Harriedharriet]

Background. We live abroad with no family on either side close by. We have three dds. Oldest (8yrs) has a godfather in this city. Godfather lives with his girlfriend. They decided many years ago not to have any dcs. Godfather is dear friend of DH. I like godfather and his partner.
So - the AIBU. Godfather likes to take dd out once every three weeks for dinner. This is in the last 18mts since we moved here. The two younger ones get very upset by this (not fair, she gets everything etc). Godfather is aware that it is causing conflict. I have suggested once evey few months. Have also explained time and again to DH. It falls on deaf ears with both.
It now seems to have turned into a battle of wills. I dread the emails asking as he often will push back for an alternate day and not accept my excuse. DH says it is wonderful that another adult is taking an interest. I think that every three weeks is too much and compromises her relationship with her sisters. I also think she is too young to have an "outside" relationship but maybe I am wrong there? My Godparents gave presents and an occasional day but became more active when I was older (teen). Same with my sibs and cousins.
So Wibu to say once every three to four months?

Has this really went from the op thinking that every 3 weeks is too much because her younger children get jealous, to the GF now grooming the child? Wow

Ugh another thread where the OP only want to hear the answers that agree with her. What's the point of asking AIBU if you're not going to listen to people saying YABU? Surely the point is to find out if YABU or not. Majority say yes.

If it's 3 weeks because that's his only time free then it is what it is, yes you can put your foot down and say 6 weeks but is it that much of an issue? Like an after school club or Saturday sport? Like others have said, spoils the others. Stop letting them think it's about liking and let it be just a thing that happens. LOADS of kids go to grandma's or something because the other is doing something else or are home with mum because an older kid has a sleepover. What everyone is saying is that the like factor shouldn't even be on their radar. It shouldn't be DD1's day out, it should be our time together.

Whoa. I'm not the paedo brigade at all. But I'm wondering why it's dinner and not ever anything else, this sounds like a regularity and not since she was eight. I think it's my responsibility to raise it, I'm certainly not certain or half way sure. But if I have instincts that prick up an oddity I should say so, whether it falls upon ears that know it's completely impossible and untrue or not is another thing!

I really don't raise questions like this for the love of drama.

I don't get the issue with dinner Posie? I can think of a lot of things that would be more conducive to grooming a child than having a meal in a public place.

Posie, my post was in response to TheTigerisOut hence my odd spacing.

When I was eight, I liked going out for dinner, I felt all grown up Godfather knows this presumably. He is goddaughter's father's best friend.

I don't think it's any poster's responsibility to ask questions that cast baseless suggestions on another person's character without knowing them or any of he people involved. All we know is that OP is miffed at not being listened to and agreed with.

You wouldn't ask those questions if it were a woman, would you? If not, that's very unjust and sexist. I won't say that it's purely for 'drama' but this is a chatboard so there must be an element of it there somewhere.

You asked him to be a godparent, he's doing that. Think it's wonderful for your Dd. Why not manage this and enjoy more 'quality time' with the other 2. Choose an activity they can do with you/ dh. As long as your Dd is happy with going and you've said you're happy with it but not the frequency I'd suck it up and just let it be.

Posie, you said you would be worried that he was grooming her!

Maybe a godfather taking his godchild out for dinner in a restaurant (which I think sounds rather charming) makes him feel less under suspicion from peeeedohunters than a man wandering around a zoo/theme park/playground with an unrelated child? 90 mins conversation over a dinner table doesn't require emergency parenting that he mightn't feel capable of; you know where they both are; she can make small adult decisions for himself; maybe he's decided to be the godparent who teaches her about different cuisines, wine lists, cutlery.

Why is this such an issue if you're only going to be here for a matter of months more? He's probably trying to build the relationship with his godchild before you move again, and he doesn't see her for who knows how many years. And as for the girlfriend not being there, she's not his godmother - she might not want/enjoy/feel appropriate/be interested in being there, so he does it on the Sunday evenings she's not around.

It is absolutely inappropriate for a man to insist on having access to a child with neither her parents nor her siblings present. This isnotwhat being a godparent is about. I have never heard of such a thing before.**

^^ This. Sorry OP, I'm sure he is lovely man and all, but as an outsider reading your first post, this was the first thing that occurred to me. He is singling out your eldest DD for special treatment. Yes, I know he's her GF but most GPs I know meet up with the whole family rather than taking their GC out alone. Are you sure hid motives are entirely innocent?

I disagree (unsurprisingly) that it's unusual for a godparent to spend time alone with godchild. I think that's kind of the point.

And yes to whoever said there was some sexism in this.

Oh my goodness. The sexism and fear mongering. I take my god daughter places when I see her. It's nice. She gets some slightly more grown up time as I treat her like a young adult and we do the same kind of things I'd do with my friends minus the alcohol. If I was male this would be inappropriate just because I haven't been blessed with kids?

I don't think a GM would insist on dinner three weeks.

what does the three week thing have to do with gender?

How would you know that, Posie? What is the basis of your assumption there?

I think your 'instincts' must have been finely honed by some tabloid articles because you have no information on which to make this assumption and it does actually sound like 'pee-do' scaremongering and you are being very sexist; again, without basis.

Not sexist.

Anyway OP.

I'm out.

I think it's lovely he takes his godparent duties seriously but would personally think every 3 weeks is too much as well.

Not sexist? Honestly? I'd like to understand your viewpoint because your messages are really quite sexist.

Fucking hell some of these posts are terrifying.

Can't take a kid to a restaurant on a regular basis if you have a penis, you heard it here first

I've got a couple of godchildren - one set of parents encourage the godparents to develop their own special relationship with the godchild, as they feel appropriate and comfortable, so hopefully it'll grow into a lovely adult connection in later life; the other set are 'please treat all our four children the same so no one feels left out'. Which does make me wonder if they've confused 'godparent' with 'Santa Claus'.

DialM, I think some parents have no idea what a godparent's role is, they just know that they want their children to have one for the obvious material benefits.

I can't believe how clingy and demanding some parents seem to be when it comes to people that they've selected as godparents themselves.

I was abused as a child by a family member and im very aware of men and strange behavior but this thread certainly didnt scream peado to me, maybe if he insisted on taking her every week and to his home for dinner then there would be some suspicion but hes talking her to a public place once every three weeks.

stravagante, its not "fearmongering" and its not "sexist". Sexual abuse of children is prevented when adults stay vigilant. Sadly, most victims are abused by someone known to the family.
Anyway, I've said my piece, goodnight all.

I wish there were clearer modern 'guidelines' for godparents - it would save a lot of angst on every side. Either you're trying too hard and not bringing gifts of equal value for the other siblings or you're not trying hard enough only sending gifts on birthdays/Christmas/easter/holidays and not arranging trapeze lessons and trips to Disneyland.

IME, there's also a fair bit of friction between diligent girlfriends of the mum vs useless Simon type friends of the dad. But then I read posts like this and I kind of understand why blokes never really know what the hell they're supposed to do with their god daughters, so end up bunging £100 in their bank account every year until they're 18.

Can this line of questioning just stop? OP has said she doesn't think anything "untoward" about the situation so clearly this is a tangent by that has no place here. If something were going on, people saying it here would have no bearing on that and it has nothing to do with OP's questioning as she has already shut it down.

That makes no sense at all. Three weeks, six weeks, nine weeks... it's the timing that OP has an issue with, not the choice of godparent and not a single thing was said about having fears of daughter spending time with him, on the contrary, OP is happy with him being godfather.