Aibu to say "no" to dd's godfather?

[Harriedharriet]

Background. We live abroad with no family on either side close by. We have three dds. Oldest (8yrs) has a godfather in this city. Godfather lives with his girlfriend. They decided many years ago not to have any dcs. Godfather is dear friend of DH. I like godfather and his partner.
So - the AIBU. Godfather likes to take dd out once every three weeks for dinner. This is in the last 18mts since we moved here. The two younger ones get very upset by this (not fair, she gets everything etc). Godfather is aware that it is causing conflict. I have suggested once evey few months. Have also explained time and again to DH. It falls on deaf ears with both.
It now seems to have turned into a battle of wills. I dread the emails asking as he often will push back for an alternate day and not accept my excuse. DH says it is wonderful that another adult is taking an interest. I think that every three weeks is too much and compromises her relationship with her sisters. I also think she is too young to have an "outside" relationship but maybe I am wrong there? My Godparents gave presents and an occasional day but became more active when I was older (teen). Same with my sibs and cousins.
So Wibu to say once every three to four months?

At best he's rather entitled, at worst... Well I'm sure you've thought of the worst.

MT Purse - not at all intended as a dri feed, really. She travels a lot as well. The timing does coincide frequently but not always.

The other 2 kids are a red herring here aren't they? If someone wanted to take my child out that frequently (for dinner ffs) and totally disregarded my feelings on this I'd totally be binning these tête a tetes, and he could see my child with the rest of the family around.

Listen to your instincts.

I do not think any untoward.

I do think he enjoys her company.

I am glad she has that relationship.

I would like it to continue.

I would like it to happen less frequently.

I think he is a little entitled. And a little selfish.

You say that you move every few years for work. So your DD's GF is making the most if the time they have. Maybe the next move will br to a country where one if the other DC's GPs live, and it'll be their turn.

I think it would be very unfair to limit this relationship when it may only last a couple of years.

Never anything but dinner?

Thanks all.

Have to run to school.

I think YABU, very. Your two younger children could be mollified greatly if you made the night dd1 isn't around special for them in a different way. I suspect they are picking up on your feelings about it so be careful about that.

I hope dd1 and her godfather continue to see each other often and enjoy each other's company more and more.

YABU if genuinely your reason is that the siblings are jealous. It sounds rather pathetic.

If you have another reason maybe posters would be more sympathetic to that, but as it stands you have a large percentage of posters saying YABU.

I never understand why people post in AIBU and then protest when page after page of people say they are!!!

I think every three weeks is wayyyy excessive! Can't believe you are getting such a hard time here.

Hurt feelings or jealousy, you need to manage it.

You said/implied that it was too often because of the reaction from siblings.

Your husband thinks it's fine.
Your eldest presumably enjoys herself.

The reaction has been that yabu so now the problem is that he won't listen to you rather than your younger children's issues with it.

You also said that if you say no he asks for an alternative day but now he only takes her out on the Sunday his girlfriend is away?

Yabu. If dd enjoys it and gf has a good influence on her, then I would let it continue. The other dc can have a treat on that night.

In all probability it won't last forever so make the most of it.

I really can't see how such good friendship is going to survive if he insists in overruling you when it comes to when to meet with your DD.

What? He only takes the girl out on the days that his girlfriend is away?

C a r e f u l. t h e r e!

Oh, it's one of those AIBUs

OP: AIBU?
MN: (mostly) yes
OP: no I'm not
MN: (a few) no
OP: thanks, you few are right

Really, what is the point?

And, out of interest, why do you think she's "too young to have an "outside" relationship"? I assume she has school friends etc

I'd be a bit miffed, too. I can't really believe it's so hard for pp to understand how the children who don't get taken out by this man feel somewhat unwanted and unliked. I don't see why it's fine for this man to be pushy and insistent about when he sees the child and not accept when her parent says a suggestion doesn't work for them.

I understand that the younger ones feel left out.
It shouldn't be a deciding factor though.

And yeah, heaven forbid a gf actually wanting see his gd on a regular basis and suggesting alternatives when a date is rejected.
Perhaps he has spoken to the dh and he says it's fine and his dd loves it.

I'm not going to even respond to the suggestions that this girl is being groomed by a predator.

I don't think it's ok for the gf to be pushy, but he's not gf to the other 2. It's not that he doesn't like them.
After the strange post where the OP double takes about only seeing dc when his girlfriend is away, despite saying that he won't accept alternative days - I'm out

I've read your thread OP and I'm wondering why you posted it really? You're convinced that you have the right of veto or modification of contact for your daughter's relationship with her godfather. Well, if it satisfies your parental sensibilities then you do. So does your daughter's father, so what does he think?

You say throughout your thread that this is about hurt feelings and that you would have to do something fun with your other two daughters every 3 weeks and it sounded as if you resented that a bit. You then jumped on a poster who suggested that this is what parents do... Managing your daughters' hurt feelings is par for the course of parenting, as I'm sure you know. I think the perceived threat to the sibling relationship is a bit of a red-herring and an overreaction to support your stated need to reduce frequency for the family's sake.

It really doesn't come across to me as if this is about the 3-weekly outings but more that you feel sidelined as a parent and that you want your wishes obeyed without question as the godfather doesn't wish to change the arrangement. If you really don't have a bigger reason than what you'e posted here, I would let the arrangement continue because if you try to pull rank you may find that your daughter's godfather finds it more of an ordeal than it's worth to fit in with your timetable.

I don't like the assertion that the godfather is trying to be a parent or feels that he has missed out on being a parent and is seeking this with your daughter. He's being a godfather, the one selected by you and your husband.

If your husband is in agreement with you then both of you need to decide what the situation will be but just be aware that the godfather isn't obliged to dance to your tune. Don't let your daughter be the loser in all this because it would be a crying shame.

Having now been told how infrequently the children see their dad I'm beginning to see why the younger ones might be so jealous of the time their eldest sister gets to spend alone with their dad's best friend.

OP, why not suggest that if the GF wants to see her every three weeks he alternate between a dinner with the family - if you're willing to have him round for dinner - so the younger ones get to spend some time with him too, and a dinner alone with his GD?

I can see why it works for him to see his GD when his girlfriend is away, but he needs to understand that timings which work for him don't necessarily work for his GD's family.

Oh my goodness, the Peedo-seekers are out... C a l l f o r a p o l i c e m a n !!

If it's too much for you it's too much for you. It doesn't matter that a bunch of strangers on the internet disagree with your reasons.

Him: I'd like to take DD out this Sunday.
You: How lovely! She always enjoys that. Let's see, this Sunday doesn't work for us, but she's available on X date.
Him: No, I'd rather this Sunday.
You: That doesn't work for us I'm afraid. (Repeat ad infinitum)

You don't need to get into the whole "can you only take her out every 3 months" debate with him. Just set the dates as they arise!

I'm curious about what your conversations with him actually sound like?

My post was not about him being a potential paedo.

It was about why a mum wouldn't just say no to a man who won't take no for an answer.

I don't think it's ever healthy to have to do what other people say, where your young dd or ds is concerned.

What the 8 year old is missing out on is dinners with a rather inflexible man who doesn't listen to her mother, as well as a potential ally in life/friend/whatever (given that 99% of people either don't have godparents, or don't see their godparents, I don't see what this terrible loss is to be honest, or why it has to be nurtured to a three week timetable).