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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say "no" to dd's godfather?

250 replies

Harriedharriet · 05/02/2016 16:47

Background. We live abroad with no family on either side close by. We have three dds. Oldest (8yrs) has a godfather in this city. Godfather lives with his girlfriend. They decided many years ago not to have any dcs. Godfather is dear friend of DH. I like godfather and his partner.
So - the AIBU. Godfather likes to take dd out once every three weeks for dinner. This is in the last 18mts since we moved here. The two younger ones get very upset by this (not fair, she gets everything etc). Godfather is aware that it is causing conflict. I have suggested once evey few months. Have also explained time and again to DH. It falls on deaf ears with both.
It now seems to have turned into a battle of wills. I dread the emails asking as he often will push back for an alternate day and not accept my excuse. DH says it is wonderful that another adult is taking an interest. I think that every three weeks is too much and compromises her relationship with her sisters. I also think she is too young to have an "outside" relationship but maybe I am wrong there? My Godparents gave presents and an occasional day but became more active when I was older (teen). Same with my sibs and cousins.
So Wibu to say once every three to four months?

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 05/02/2016 21:17

OP has said she doesn't think anything "untoward" about the situation so clearly this is a tangent by that has no place here

This.

I don't totally agree with the OP about the other children but she's been very clear that she has no worries at all about the godfather's intentions

2rebecca · 05/02/2016 22:09

The main reason she doesn't like every 3 weeks is that the younger children whine though, that's what seems unreasonable to me (although they'd probably be bored by going out for dinner anyway if tiny tots and if not tiny tots they should know better). Siblings shouldn't be able to manipulate each other through selfish moaning. "I don't get it so she shouldn't either" is not an attitude to be encouraged.

GruntledOne · 05/02/2016 23:42

So if he takes her out for dinner, is that Sunday evenings? If so, surely you have a cast iron reason to say no, at least during term time - she shouldn't be out late when she has school next day.

Jux · 05/02/2016 23:46

My friend's godmother was quite well of with no family of her own, so bought her beautiful presents. My friend's mum wouldn't take them unless the godmother bought the same for friend's sister. So godmother - who despite her familyless state couldn't afford two of everything - would buy only one whatever it was for her goddaughter, and when it was refused, gave it to me. Every single time! I did do well out of it (which made up for the uselessness of my own godparents!).

It's ridiculous to choose different godparents for each of your children and then expect parity between them all. If you want all your children treated equally then give them all the same godparents.

2rebecca · 06/02/2016 06:12

Agree that having a godparent is meaningless if you don't expect them to take a special interest in the child. I'm atheist so my kids don't have them. Growing up my godparents were aunties and uncles so no special presents or relationship there. My younger sister had a friend of my mum's as godparent and used to get an advent calendar and presents from her. It was just explained that she was not our godparent.
My sister only met her occasionally as she lived several hours away but when older did write to her and was sad when she died.
I think if you're going to give your kids godparents it's nice to have at least one who isn't a relative and who might pay the child a special interest.

SSargassoSea · 06/02/2016 06:34

I would think that DD might get fed up with meals out every 3 weeks. At that age I wouldn't have been confident enough to make conversation so prob wouldn't have enjoyed it much.

I would ask the other two what they want to do when DD is out and come up with something fun, maybe invite two friends round for them too.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 06/02/2016 06:36

Regardless of whether the god father or mumsnet posters think the OP is being reasonable, the godfather should not be insisting on access to the OP's young child at his convenience. He should ask to see her, and the OP give their availability. I'm surprised that so many posters think it is ok for someone to insist on seeing their child at a particular frequency.

kawliga · 06/02/2016 06:48

The power dynamic is all wrong here and it is that which rightly worries you.

This, absolutely. OP, you can refuse to let him take your dd out even if he is her godfather. That is all. Being godfather does not mean that now he gets to dictate to you and refuse to take no for an answer and refuse to listen to your suggestions or concerns.

A godfather is not supposed to be fighting with the child's mother and refusing to listen to her at all. Those pp saying then why did you ask him to godparent, I'm sure when OP asked him she didn't know he'd be fighting her all the way for access to her dd. Ridiculous.

The godparents are supposed to SUPPORT the parents, not argue the toss with them about how often is suitable to take the dd out to dinner. Yikes.

The more serious problem you have, as always, is your DH. If he is siding with the godparent against you then that's a huge problem. Wow, who knew godparents could end up bringing strife into a family like this.

2rebecca · 06/02/2016 06:51

I couldn't be bothered arranging friends round every 3 weeks and would just play a game or something.
I agree that the 3 week thing will fall by the wayside with time anyway. I'm surprised the younger 2 are still making a fuss about this every 3 weeks if it's been going on for 18 months. You think it would now just be seen as a normal part of life like big sis going round a friend's to play or to Brownies.
I think reducing it to every 6 weeks would be OK if it was because the eldest found it too much or it was stopping the whole family doing other stuff. It's reducing it just to appease jealous whiny siblings that seems wrong and is rewarding their behaviour and fussing.
Why are they still fussing after 18 months? Does the eldest turn the dinner anto a big deal and deliberately wind them up? That could be knocked on the head if she does.

kawliga · 06/02/2016 06:55

It now seems to have turned into a battle of wills. I dread the emails asking as he often will push back for an alternate day and not accept my excuse.

OP, this sentence in your OP decided it for me. Forget about all the other stuff going on about the frequency, the jealousy, the geography, etc. You should not be in a battle of wills with someone you asked to be a godparent to your dd.

2rebecca · 06/02/2016 07:06

At the same time if you have arranged to see someone and that day is cancelled surely it is normal to want to arrange an alternative day if you actually want to see someone? Is he expected to just have the dinner cancelled and not be given any alternative date? It sounds as though the OP just wants to give him excuses and him to go away for several months and not contact her. All he's done is be nice to her daughter.
If it has been every 3 weeks for 18 months and the OP feels this is too frequently then this needs to be discussed with her husband and him, just refusing to let him arrange any more meetings won't resolve things.

kawliga · 06/02/2016 07:21

All he's done is be nice to the daughter and by Jove he will be nice to the daughter even if it means fighting the mother to the death. Ridiculous.

2rebecca · 06/02/2016 07:29

I thought he just asked for another date if the mother cancelled a date or a date wasn't suitable. Hardly a fight to the death.

wallywobbles · 06/02/2016 07:33

Last child of 6. Bottom of the barrel godparents. It's fine. Life isn't fair. Sooner everyone learns that the better. Really it is. The kids are picking up on your disapproval. Stop trying to sabotage the good god parent.

iPaid · 06/02/2016 07:58

OP - if a man wouldn't take no as an answer from me where my DD was concerned, I'd be putting a stop to the meetings. GF needs to respect the mother's wishes.

OP - I'd suggest turning this event into a family occasion; you and your 3 DDs meet up with GF for dinner. Your DD doesn't need a special relationship with a man - she and her siblings need their father home for more than 5 days a month. Now that really does need addressing.

Curlywurly4 · 06/02/2016 08:24

I also wondering why it's still an issue for the younger two if it's been going on for 18 months. Surely it's just normal now? What if she had a play date regularly? They wouldn't bat an eyelid surely unless it's being made into a big deal.

In terms of someone not listening, I would have issues with that. What happens when you say, sorry not this Sunday, how about x date instead?

Jenny70 · 06/02/2016 09:30

As your DD is 8, does she ever get invited for sleepovers, after school activities, weekend commitments etc?

I would perhaps pish back slightly/spread out the suggested dates with godfather with - sorry she has a sleepover, perhaps the following weekend? Or that weekend is really busy with a gymnastics tournament and the following is tied up with her best friend's party, so the weekend of the ?5th is free, would that suit?

Or simply, she's not free this weekend or next, how about the weekend of the ?5th. Not a big deal in spacing his visits to every 3 months, or once a month, or whatever, just working in with family commitments.

If they are suggesting weeknights, I'd be less happy with tired grumpy DD midweek, but if it were done at a reasonable hour etc, might be OK. Maybe alternate weekend one month, weekday another month.

I think it's great he wants a relationship with her, because as she reaches these teen years, having an outside person to stabilise things can be a great idea.

I know you say you move around and i can relate, but is there a neighbour/friend that can be called upon to bestow a similar treat on the younger two, preferably on a different day to eldest DD, so sometimes she "misses out"?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/02/2016 10:29

ipaid...A MAN!!! I've heard it all now. A girl doesn't need a special relationship with a man... Hmm

I wonder why some women don't just get their children from a sperm bank and be done with it. No need for any involvement from anybody else. Then you can have absolute control over whom they see and speak to. Perfect! Fly in the ointment here is that OP has a husband who is friends with the godfather - and the father has equal say.

Some of the attitudes on here are just ridiculously controlling.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 06/02/2016 10:41

You are incredibly narrow minded iPaid

ArmfulOfRoses · 06/02/2016 11:01

If the girl doesn't need a special relationship with a man, why does it matter that her father is away so much?

Oh silly me, it's because he's not related to her.
What a fucking weirdo, being interested in cultivating a relationship with his gd.

MiddleClassProblem · 06/02/2016 11:03

I reckon iPaid would have no problem if it was a godmother taking DD out

Evabeaversprotege · 06/02/2016 11:12

Maybe the gf realises how little your dh is home so wants to nurture a male bond with his goddaughter?

I don't see anything wrong with that.

I think you sound a wee bit controlling op.

ChishandFips33 · 06/02/2016 11:16

As a god parent to one sibling and not the other, I always took both children out. I felt that I didn't want to favour one over the other, especially as I was GP to the youngest and not the oldest. I had known the older one much much longer (but not at the point of her GP being chosen) and had already taken her out etc so it would've felt wrong to then sideline her.
However there were times when trips were separate due to preferences/choices made by the children

I think monthly would be a bridge of opinions OP but also that children need to develop resilience as life is full of knocks and unfairness

snowgirl1 · 06/02/2016 11:34

My DB's godmother was more involved with his life than my godmother's life was involved in mine. When I was little, it seemed a bit unfair. But I got over it. As an adult, there is no way I'd like to have found that my parent's had asked DB's godmother to back off to appease me - I would feel so guilty. So if you get him to back off now, you might appease your 'left out' children now, but they might feel guilty when they're older.

Just be grateful that you daughter has a GF who is keen to be actively involved in her life. Most parents with a frequently absent partner would grateful for another adult who lightens the load by taking one child out.

timelytess · 06/02/2016 11:39

timelytess what the hell is wrong with you
I have common sense. It is sadly lacking on MN.

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