Aibu to say "no" to dd's godfather?

[Harriedharriet]

Background. We live abroad with no family on either side close by. We have three dds. Oldest (8yrs) has a godfather in this city. Godfather lives with his girlfriend. They decided many years ago not to have any dcs. Godfather is dear friend of DH. I like godfather and his partner.
So - the AIBU. Godfather likes to take dd out once every three weeks for dinner. This is in the last 18mts since we moved here. The two younger ones get very upset by this (not fair, she gets everything etc). Godfather is aware that it is causing conflict. I have suggested once evey few months. Have also explained time and again to DH. It falls on deaf ears with both.
It now seems to have turned into a battle of wills. I dread the emails asking as he often will push back for an alternate day and not accept my excuse. DH says it is wonderful that another adult is taking an interest. I think that every three weeks is too much and compromises her relationship with her sisters. I also think she is too young to have an "outside" relationship but maybe I am wrong there? My Godparents gave presents and an occasional day but became more active when I was older (teen). Same with my sibs and cousins.
So Wibu to say once every three to four months?

[mouldycheesefan]

Godparent is a religious commitment and in no way a commitment to look after the children should anything happen to the parents. It has no legal obligations nor rights. Who will look after the children in the event of the death of parents should be addressed in the parents wills.

[3WiseWomen]

MrsGently
The OP is already parenting her 3 dcs mostly on her own.
What I'm talking about is the added pressure to do also x and y.
Maybe you wouldnt see that as an issue and find it easy blabla. But maybe the OP doesn't. Who are you to say that it's just a case of 'can't be bothered'?? or that she never does naything interesting. Are you there to be able to judge that?

her DH is away most of the time. If it wasn't the case, I would have suggested HE deals with finding interesting activities for the other two whilst the dd goes to see her GF as he is the one who is happy with it.
He wants her dd to see the GF, he deals with the fall out.

But ... it so happens that he can't deal with the fall out. How convenient....

[Harriedharriet]

I do not want to so op contact - have it less frequent.

For those posters who accuse me of not parenting, thank you for your concern. I parent. And then some. Shame on you.

DH travels al lot and does not live this. For him it is a non issue. He is home 5 days a month sometimes. I am here alone. There is an occasional babysitter.

In my humble opinion dds GF needs to subject his needs to mine FOR NOW.

I repeat -all that is being asked of him is to tone it down.

[PosieReturningParker]

The whole thing sounds a bit much, every three weeks? What do they talk about?

TBH I find the whole Godparent thing a bit weird anyway, but a grown man (GP or not) taking my eight year old daughter to dinner, not to a museum, a gallery, a park, an exhibition and so on, but for dinner every three weeks quite odd.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think it's very nice for her godfather to take such an interest. And I also think it's good for a girl to have as many decent male role models as she can get. It will help her make good choices in the future with regards to boys/men.

And one of the most important lessons a child can learn in life is that 'life isn't fair'. This situation to me is along the lines of parents who give all their children gifts on one child's birthday so they don't feel 'left out'. As the youngest child there were plenty of things my older brother and sister got to do that I didn't because I was 'too young'. My parents didn't 'make it up' to me all the time. Sometimes they did something else with me, sometimes they didn't. I learnt that sometimes people get to do things I don't and it's not a really big deal. My turn will come.

[hownottofuckup]

My DB loves taking my DC out, he enjoys their company in small doses he certainly doesn't regret not having any DC of his own. That's a bit of an odd assumption to make.
I think you're being unfair to your DD and with regards to your other DC I think you need to help them learn to deal with their emotions/jealousy etc rather than pander to it at their siblings expense. I can't see how that would work out well for the future.

There is a hint in your posts that perhaps you're not very keen on this GF. I wonder if that is as much a part of the problem as your younger 2's upset? (Fwiw I have a 5 and a 7 year old, I would expect them to accept this sort of situation and not expect their Dsis to stop going just because they didn't like it)

[allinall]

I think it's a good thing for your eldest to have someone / something special to her. This could be a lovely relationship with her GP and you may be glad of it in her teenage years!

I don't think children should always have to have the same experiences, and it is their parents' job to show that that is ok, normal, and in fact, desirable. Being fair isn't the same as doing everything the same.

I think you have to distract your younger children from focussing on this. As an 'eldest' myself, I found it hard / unfair that as soon as I was considered old enough for something, my younger siblings got it / were allowed it straight away! I begged for ages to have dance lessons, yet as soon as I did, my sister was enrolled too. Apparently it would have been 'unfair' for her to not have lessons too.

[PosieReturningParker]

Anyway his insistence not to accept your reasoning, even if it's unreasonable, is also odd.

[AdriftOnMemoryBliss]

but your idea of toning it down from potentially 15 times a year to 3 or 4 isn't fair on your daughter, not when your only reason is because you can't tell your other two children to suck it up.

If 3 weeks its too frequent, then perhaps suggest once every 6 weeks?

i really think you're being very unfair on both your dd and her gf just because your other two are being brats about it and you won't deal with it.

[Wombatinabathhat]

Thank you Mouldy

OP I think you have every right to expect to expect him to respect your wishes, whatever they may be. Ask DH to have a word

[Wombatinabathhat]

Apologies for the duplicate words

[PosieReturningParker]

Does he take her to church?

(God parents do that don't they, not dinner every three weeks with a child)

[Alanna1]

Firstly, I think that's lovely and overall I'm with your DH. Does the godfather have any interest in developing a relationship with all the children? Otherwise I'd use the time the eldest goes out with them for 1:1 time with the others. Life isn't fair; don't give it air time. One of my children has 4 godparents; the other has 2, because of death.

[DinosaursRoar]

I think the problem isnt the godfather taking his goddaughter out, but her sisters reaction to being 'left out', so that's what needs dealing with, not how often the godfather takes DD1 out.

Agree if they had a special treat at the same time, and DD1 was told clearly she wasn't to boast or brag about her day out with her Godfather, then this problem might disappear without the cost of DD1's relationship with her godfather.

[PosieReturningParker]

Does anyone on this thread have an adult male who isn't a DB that takes an eight year old out for dinner regularly?

[AdriftOnMemoryBliss]

no, but i have an adult female who is my kids god mother who takes my DD out regularly!

ds doesn't go because he's autistic, but i find something fun to do with him instead.

what i don't do is tell dd she can't go out with her GM because ds can't go!

[Waltermittythesequel]

You're not doing any of your children any favours.

Seriously, rather than deal with the youngers' disappointed and allow the elder to have a decent relationship with someone whom you chose to be a part of her life, you want him to cut down his time??

You're being ridiculous and selfish.

[NNalreadyinuse]

giraffe the dh isn't there most if the time. I think the one who is doing most of the parenting should get final say, although obviously it would be better if they reached an agreement. It seems to me that the gf is totally disregarding the mother which is very rude and totally disrespectful

[PosieReturningParker]

What does adrift what does the woman do with your kids?

[Harriedharriet]

Again - I do not want it to stop. I want it less frequently.

Marriage is fine. Thank you. I feel well considered by DH. Hard to discuss across time zones and against deadlines.

I like GF very much.

So do other children.

Still think three weeks is too much. Even if it objectively is not not too much it is within the context of this family, now. I think that therefore gf should accept that without question. He should work with me rather than against me.

I agree that reducing it to three to four months would be too much but 6 weeks would be fine.

[GruntledOne]

I do agree that godfather is out of order for insisting; ultimately it has to be your choice. Equally if your DH isn't around to help with the others, then it's not up to him to say godfather has to get his way.

OP, could you clarify, does he take her out in the evenings, and is this weekdays or weekends?

I don't think it's as easy as saying give the other two a treat every time; it's a bit much to expect OP to keep organising treats on such a frequent basis, particularly when it's essentially to suit godfather's convenience rather than her being able to choose dates and times that are convenient to her.

[AdriftOnMemoryBliss]

usually takes her to mcdonalds, then to the park. Its lovely for DD to do because of how difficult DS is to look after. :)

[fastdaytears]

For those posters who accuse me of not parenting, thank you for your concern. I parent. And then some. Shame on you

Well that seems a bit extreme.

Posie I can't quote from your post as my phone hates me today, but why would a child's uncle be any different to a godfather? One is ok and one is not? A lot of godfathers would be closer to a child than a uncle would be.

[PosieReturningParker]

I must say I'm finding this all quite weird.

Are you religious?

Are you living in somewhere culturally the same as you?