Aibu to say "no" to dd's godfather?

[Harriedharriet]

Background. We live abroad with no family on either side close by. We have three dds. Oldest (8yrs) has a godfather in this city. Godfather lives with his girlfriend. They decided many years ago not to have any dcs. Godfather is dear friend of DH. I like godfather and his partner.
So - the AIBU. Godfather likes to take dd out once every three weeks for dinner. This is in the last 18mts since we moved here. The two younger ones get very upset by this (not fair, she gets everything etc). Godfather is aware that it is causing conflict. I have suggested once evey few months. Have also explained time and again to DH. It falls on deaf ears with both.
It now seems to have turned into a battle of wills. I dread the emails asking as he often will push back for an alternate day and not accept my excuse. DH says it is wonderful that another adult is taking an interest. I think that every three weeks is too much and compromises her relationship with her sisters. I also think she is too young to have an "outside" relationship but maybe I am wrong there? My Godparents gave presents and an occasional day but became more active when I was older (teen). Same with my sibs and cousins.
So Wibu to say once every three to four months?

I actually feel sorry for your dp. If the Gp has one to one meals with your DD every three weeks and she doesn't see youth that much, she may well start to find her go more important to her.

Your dh

All of you who say the dad has equal say, what happens when the parents disagree?
Dad having equal say (despite not actually being there most of the time and mum doing the majority of parenting) seems to = mum does as she is told!

Mis-typed the sentence I meant: 'Your DD doesn't need a special relationship with THIS man'.

And I wouldn't feel differently if it was a godmother ignoring my wishes and pressuring.

Well, the op would only have herself to blame if they were the case, iPaid, as she chose this man to be her child's Godfather. Having a special relationship is kind of inherent in that.

It now seems to have turned into a battle of wills. I dread the emails asking as he often will push back for an alternate day and not accept my excuse.

People are ignoring this, ignoring how much pressure he is putting on OP, and just focusing on how nice the lovely man is offering to spend time with his godchild.

It is not lovely to refuse to hear 'no' from a child's mother. It doesn't matter how nice and generous you are, if the mother says no, then it's no. Respect that. Parenting is not equal opportunities. There is no rule that every nice person gets an equal right to say what the dc will do, not even if they are godparents. Godparents is not a legal status. Parents do not have to say 'yes' to offers they don't want just because the offer is very kind or just because it came from a godparent.

It's perfectly acceptable to say 'that's very kind and thoughtful, but no thanks'.

I would be very alarmed by someone who is this unable to take 'no' for an answer. Just because he is a godfather doesn't mean you can never say no to him.

For him, he is cultivating a lovely relationship with his goddaughter. She will value that, hugely, and it's her chance to be the only child for a while.

You should not cut down on that because her sisters are jealous. They may only be 5 and 7, but you can explain that sister is going to have dinner with her godparents, and they have different godparents, but tonight you're going to do XYZ. Eventually, they will understand this. They will understand it faster because it's every three weeks. Maybe put it on the calendar, so they anticipate it, or take them to McDonalds or something so you all have a treat every 3 weeks.

To be honest, you're pushing your issue (that the other godparents you chose aren't close enough to really be godparents) onto your eldest daughter and that's unfair on her and her godfather. Encourage this.

It doesn't sound like this is because of her sisters, though - "I just find the frequency too much" sounds like maybe it's just something you're not happy with? I'd be careful about stifling this. There's no good reason for it.

How many people posting went out with their Godparents every 3 weeks??
None probably.

As the OP hasn't given any examples of the way that the godfather might be putting pressure on it's difficult to say if he is being overly pushy isn't it?

Say he emails something along the lines of can I take x out for a meal next Sunday? She replies no, because we are busy that day. He emails back how about the Sunday after? She replies no, because of some other reason, but you can see her in three months time. He then says oh that's a very long way off I'd really like to see her much sooner than that, what about in three weeks time? etc etc

Is that very pushy and unreasonable? He obviously is really enjoying building up a relationship with his goddaughter, and probably knows that the time when he will see her is pretty limited, as within a year or so the family will have moved again. Every three weeks might well be a bit OTT, but three or four times a year is very limited. It's a pity a better balance wasn't struck months ago before the OP got so pissed off.

It now seems to have turned into a battle of wills. I dread the emails asking as he often will push back for an alternate day and not accept my excuse

He sounds like a creepy bugger tbh.

He may well have been asked by the child's dad to give her some attention as he himself is away so much. The dh is quite happy with the relationship and thinks the op is being silly. That, too, should be borne in mind.

OP, if you didn't want your children's godparents to pay them special attention then you shouldn't have had any.

A man thinks a woman is being 'silly' ? Well that's settled then

My GF took me out to eat once a fortnight. I loved it, felt very listened to and grown up. We stayed close until he died in his 90's, it was agree at relationship.

I don't think someone should be able to demand to see your child but I also don't really see why she can't go every 3 weeks, does it get in the way of your plans etc?

I think once a month seems reasonable on both sides. I'd be reluctant to put too many limits on the relationship for fear of driving him away - in my experience grandparents seem to take their role seriously for the first few years but begin to lose interest before the teenage years. Obviously this isn't a given and it sounds like your DD's godfather is wanting to be a good godparent but if you make it too difficult for him to maintain the relationship he may give up.

You also say you move every few years so I guess there will come a time that your DD is no longer living close enough for this to continue. If she has a strong relationship with him hopefully it will survive the distance but if he's just someone she saw every few months perhaps not. Also it might be you move closer to your other DC's godparents in the future and that they want to have similar relationships and at that point it will be your DD's turn to stand back as her godfather will be in the different country.

That said I do think you and the godfather should sit down and try and agree dates that work for all somewhat in advance, e.g.: the first Saturday of every month. I can see it may be frustrating if he is getting in touch every few weeks and just expecting you to say yes to a date he's chosen to suit him. Maybe if everything was planned well in advance you would appreciate his commitment more and also could plan something nice for the other DC.

Also is there any chance he would occasionally take all 3 DC, perhaps on the weekends his gf is there? Or that sometimes you and DC could join him along with your DD? That may help your other DC feel less jealous of the relationship if they can at least be involved some of the time.

tell me, where do your eldest daughter's feelings figure in this?? You want this, you want that, your younger 2 dc want this, what does your 8yr old want? have you asked her if she is happy to spend this time with him? Would she be happy to spend less time with him? You have to be careful how you ask, she might tell you want YOU want to hear, rather than what she wants. But generally, I get that this isn't about her. I assume, could be wrong, that your dh choose his friend to be gf, and you were fine with that because you didn't live nr him. You tolerated it for your dh's sake. But now the reality is, that this guy wants a relationship with your dd, but you don't want that. If that is incorrect, you need to work on your attitude. Because it is written all over your posts.

However I would like him to tone it down a little and consider the impact on the whole family. And what about the impact on your daughter, that she has to sacrifice something that she enjoys because her siblings don't get the same from people in their lives? If this guy was godfather to ALL your children, I would understand how you feel. He is not, however.

And as pp said, he is taking an interest in your child, which is what you asked of him the day you made him your dd's godfather. You simply have to explain this to your other dc. I have 5yrs between my dc, and the youngest understands that the eldest gets to stay up late, go out with friends, watch things she can't...no, she doesn't always like it, but my older child cannot be disadvantaged because she has a younger sibling.

And really shit of posters to dismiss younger DCs perfectly understandable feelings. It is also really shit to prevent her older dd from seeing someone who is hugely fond of her. Would op prevent her daughter going to a friend's house if her younger siblings didn't have invites too? If op is going to insist on everything always being equal, she is going to create a divide between her children.

The gf is pushing back because he wants to see her more than every 4 months! Ok, so you think every 3 weeks is excessive, op..he thinks every 4 mths is too little. You haven't lived near him for the first 6yrs of your daughter's life, and now he wants to show you that he is a dedicated gf.

Oh & I took my god-daughter out each week too. Cinema, dinner, she stayed at mine, trips to London etc. When her sibling came along & was old enough (by mum's standards) the sibling came to on occasion. But I made sure to keep some time just for me & her, as I didn't want her to think she wasn't as important anymore. I'm glad that her mum didn't think it was excessive as we have THE most awesome relationship now and she has always opened up to me in a way she doesn't with her mum.

Haven't RTFT I'm afraid - well, skimmed it - but I think your dds relationship with her sisters come first. And I think an adult man being pushy about spending alone time with your daughter is inappropriate. It's about his needs to have a relationship with a child, not about supporting her. He would be supportive of her if he backed off and responded to what you - her mother - are saying.

So many posters defending this 'nice man's' 'right' to spend time with your daughter, who is too young to make a judgement call about the attention she is receiving from adults.

Don't be pressurised away from your intuition about this.

I get where you are coming from OP.

I think the younger sibs are a non issue and agree with the no oxygen thing. I imagine they pick up on your attempts to manage this down and take their lead from that and I think you can regain control on that front.

But I think every three weeks is odd and rather a lot. I don't see my own friends that much - life is too busy. We struggle to keep up with all the other requirements of school and family life without having another commitment like this.

DCs have godparents and they have taken it seriously and like to get to know the DCs when they can but not in this very rigid way.

Yabu. If your dd is happy, let them enjoy their relationship. Your younger dc will be fine, if you don't make too much of a fuss. I think they are picking up on your reaction.

The Godparents of my df's dd take her on sun holidays (for two weeks) with them every year and leave her siblings at home. They take her to stay at their house every second weekend and leave her siblings at home. It is never a problem.
Maybe you fear that the GF is being the 'fun' adult whilst you have to be the 'serious' adult who has to 'lay down the rules' and do all the everyday stuff. Your dd may enjoy the break from her younger siblings and may enjoy when her Gf makes her feel like she is a grown up and the 'centre of attention'.
Turn the situation around op. You are doing a lot of solo parenting whilst your dh works away. Use the time while your dd is out, to focus on doing fun stuff with your younger dc.

I'm completely with you, OP. But having seen, on a recent thread, how some people are willing to shower their godchildren with gifts and treats while studiously ignoring the non godchildren, I'm not surprised at the response you've got.

I and my husband are the non-religious version of a godparents to our best mate-couple's two children. We're we only honoured for the first, I'd rather gouge my own eyes out than show the younger that I cared more deeply for and prioritised the happiness of her older sister over her. These are the children of my best mate and my husband's best mate. I love them equally.

So I'm not really down with the godfather in question being so blatant about hurting the feelings of his goddaughter's siblings.

And yes, once every three weeks is too often. Maybe not for whole family meet ups though.

We're we only honoured for the first
Were we....

Should be 'Had we have been' anyway

But Maid if you treat them the same then what is the point of being a godmother? I'm one of four and we all have godparents (religious family). They all did special things with us and it was quite important to me and my siblings that they saw us not as one of a family but in our own right. I'm not a godparent myself as I'm not religious so couldn't take the vows, but my big sister is a godparent to one of my cousins and goes out of her way to do special separate things with her goddaughter. She's close to her siblings too (as am I), but her goddaughter is special to her (and vice versa). No showering with gifts, but absolutely taking her out and doing things with her one to one.

Hope people don't forget that there are two parents here, and the other parent is happy with his dd seeing her gp this often. Do his views not count at all ?

OP, you have failed to manage this situation from the off and allowed your younger children to harbour negative emotions about it. Start acting like a sensible parent who wants the best for each of her children, and teach the younger ones how to behave.

But Maid if you treat them the same then what is the point of being a godmother
As an atheist, I quite agree

I just couldn't treat one of my friends' or family members' child differently to any siblings, godmother or not. I just couldn't treat one and not the others. Most here are saying that it's the parents' job to manage expectations but I'm wouldn't be willing to put them in the that situation. But perhaps my god parenting career is different to others? Both of mine are siblings and the parents are our best mates. Perhaps, as a whole unit, we are closer than usual. I might feel differently if I felt like a token gesture for a distant cousin?

This post depresses me. The OPs daughter has a godfather who is interested in her and wants to be a good godfather. It sounds like when the OP says no to a date he just asks for another one which isn't pushy or sinister to me. I think they should just pick a monthly date (first Sunday of the month) and the OP should embrace the fact that the godfather cares enough. And all the posters who think that there is something wrong with a man showing interest in his goddaughter, how very very sad that you suspect the worst. There are wonderful men in my life who make the best godparents to friends children, especially the single men who have more patience for play than I do right now. we didn't choose to have godparents for our kids but if I did I would hope they would be as involved and interested as this godfather.