Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say "no" to dd's godfather?

250 replies

Harriedharriet · 05/02/2016 16:47

Background. We live abroad with no family on either side close by. We have three dds. Oldest (8yrs) has a godfather in this city. Godfather lives with his girlfriend. They decided many years ago not to have any dcs. Godfather is dear friend of DH. I like godfather and his partner.
So - the AIBU. Godfather likes to take dd out once every three weeks for dinner. This is in the last 18mts since we moved here. The two younger ones get very upset by this (not fair, she gets everything etc). Godfather is aware that it is causing conflict. I have suggested once evey few months. Have also explained time and again to DH. It falls on deaf ears with both.
It now seems to have turned into a battle of wills. I dread the emails asking as he often will push back for an alternate day and not accept my excuse. DH says it is wonderful that another adult is taking an interest. I think that every three weeks is too much and compromises her relationship with her sisters. I also think she is too young to have an "outside" relationship but maybe I am wrong there? My Godparents gave presents and an occasional day but became more active when I was older (teen). Same with my sibs and cousins.
So Wibu to say once every three to four months?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 05/02/2016 17:39

Why would you choose a Godfather who wasn't in a position (geographically) to actually meet up with and have a relationship with your child?
Is that the real reason you picked him; because he wasn't on the radar?
I'm genuinely confused as to why you appointed Godparents at all, really Confused.

XiCi · 05/02/2016 17:41

Yes I think YABU. I dont think every 3 weeks is too frequent at all. You chose him as her godparent and it's lovely he is so involved in her life. It's certainly not his problem that the younger 2 are jealous. This is for you to deal with and think could be easily dealt with by explaining that he is her godparent and not theirs. Surely she has other activities without the younger 2, sports etc, do they get jealous at these times too?

timelytess · 05/02/2016 17:42

It is absolutely inappropriate for a man to insist on having access to a child with neither her parents nor her siblings present. This is not what being a godparent is about. I have never heard of such a thing before.

GruntledOne · 05/02/2016 17:42

Did the younger children get taken out by their godparents before you moved abroad? If so, can you point out that oldest dd missed out then and it's fair that she gets a chance to make up the time? How long are you abroad for? If it's a shortish time, can you again point out to them that this is only temporary?

That said, it does sound to me a little odd that he pushes back and insists on taking her out ever three weeks with, apparently, little flexibility; also that he restrict this to taking her out to dinner. Doesn't that mean she's late for bed? Why won't he take her out during the day to something she might enjoy? I hope this isn't on school days.

Lauren15 · 05/02/2016 17:44

Ds2 had a good friend at primary who was an only child so ds2 would get invited to lots of fun stuff like the cinema and theme parks as company for the boy. Ds1 would get jealous but I would say it's just your brother's luck that he has a friend like that.
I would never tolerate jealousy between siblings.
I wonder if the real issue is that you feel this man is borrowing your dd now and again as a substitute for the child he chose not to have and you resent it.

NNalreadyinuse · 05/02/2016 17:45

So all of you would accept being dictated to regarding access to your child? I find that hard to believe.

catsinthecraddle · 05/02/2016 17:45

timelytess

what the hell is wrong with you!

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2016 17:46

It is absolutely inappropriate for a man to insist on having access to a child with neither her parents nor her siblings present. This is not what being a godparent is about. I have never heard of such a thing before.

What the actual fuck?? Hmm

Why is it inappropriate?

Original poster
Harriedharriet · 05/02/2016 17:46

All - it is hard to type quickly on my iPad. Sorry.

Please don't extrapolate. They all have own friends, own play dates, different bedtimes and go with the flow. No "special snowflakes" ect.

I think every three weeks is excessive. Most of you dont.

I think every two months or so would be better. Most of you don't.

I have asked him to accommodate me. He didn't.

There you go.

OP posts:
JohnLuther · 05/02/2016 17:49

It's up to you to manage your other kids jealousy.

ooooofffffffff · 05/02/2016 17:51

sorry but YABU. It's great that he takes an interest and he wants to take her out.

Try and see the cup as half full

Original poster
Harriedharriet · 05/02/2016 17:51

FLOG - we move every few years with work.
Weird huh?
I am a different nationality from my husband.
So he picked a few in his country and I picked a few in my country.
We are now living in his country so therefore are spending sometime with his crew.
Are you still confused? 😛

OP posts:
3WiseWomen · 05/02/2016 17:52

I think it's easier when you can say 'dc1 sees her godfather but you xx wo her and dc3 does yy'

Yes of course she shouldn't miss out but on the other side, once every 3 weeks is a lot. Gosh, I see my own parents about once every 2 weeks and we live close to each other!

I think this will look too much if you have never seen anyone as often as that (ie the grandparents when you were closer to them, cousiuns etc...).
It's not an issue with too much in principle, it's an issue of too much compare to what you normally do with the other important people in your life.

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2016 17:52

I have asked him to accommodate me. He didn't.

To be fair, I think you and your DH should agree on a compromise before you approach the GF.

NNalreadyinuse · 05/02/2016 17:53

It's up to you to manage your 'friend'. Who the fuck does he think he is? Stop being a doormat and tell him to piss off.

Original poster
Harriedharriet · 05/02/2016 17:55

Let's substitute Jealously with Hurt Feelings.

Now discuss!

OP posts:
JohnLuther · 05/02/2016 17:56

That's it, she should tell her daughters godfather to piss off Hmm

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2016 17:58

You can help them to cope with 'hurt feelings' in exactly the same way you can help them to learn to cope with jealousy.

Call it what you like, but it's the same thing.

Original poster
Harriedharriet · 05/02/2016 17:59

Believe me i am no doormat! Like most, figuring it out before rushing in....

DH travels all. the. f^ing.time! Another thread for another day. It is therefore an abstract problem for DH.

OP posts:
llhj · 05/02/2016 17:59

Perhaps he's substituting your dd for his mythical child. A bit intense I think. I love my godchildren to bits but don't carry on like this, it's odd frankly. Surely he's picking up on your cues and reining it in a bit?

JemimaHighway · 05/02/2016 17:59

YABU AND YANBU

YANBU - If you think 3 weeks is excessive, then it's excessive (you want family time, you dislike him, she's tired whatever).

However, YAB ridiculously unbelievable to think it's excessive because your other two are jealous and you can't be arsed parenting them properly by dealing with the situation (ie arranging to do something else with them).

If you don't nip this jealousy in the bud NOW, you are opening yourself up to a whole host of problems in the future. And I say that as a mother of a 3 and 6 year old. They are plenty old enough to realise that their sibling gets some things the other doesn't and vice versa. Are you one of these parents who gives the siblings presents when it's the other sibling's birthday?

MTPurse · 05/02/2016 18:00

It's up to you to manage your 'friend'. Who the fuck does he think he is? Stop being a doormat and tell him to piss off.

I can just see how that would pan out in the future:

Ops DD: Mum, Why does my GF never get in touch?

OP: He wanted to take you out for meals and days out when you were younger but your Sisters didn't like it so I told him to Piss off.

Ops DD: WTF???

That will really help sibling/mother/daughter relationships Hmm

NNalreadyinuse · 05/02/2016 18:01

If he is telling her that he will take dd out every 3 weeks and that's it, then yes she should tell him to piss off. I seriously don't believe that any of you would accept being dictated to in this way. This is no longer 'just' about the problems caused for the OP with the younger dc, it is about someone who is not the child's parent, dictating to the mother about what he will or won't do as if it is none of her business!

AdriftOnMemoryBliss · 05/02/2016 18:01

YABU

Flip it around, is it fair to deny your oldest this relationship because her two younger siblings are stamping their feet as they don't think its fair?

You need to tell them to get over it quite frankly.

3WiseWomen · 05/02/2016 18:01

Hmm can all the posters who says you should nip the jealousy in the bud tell me how you are supposed to do that?

I wouldn't mind some advice on that myself ....