Aibu to say "no" to dd's godfather?

[Harriedharriet]

Background. We live abroad with no family on either side close by. We have three dds. Oldest (8yrs) has a godfather in this city. Godfather lives with his girlfriend. They decided many years ago not to have any dcs. Godfather is dear friend of DH. I like godfather and his partner.
So - the AIBU. Godfather likes to take dd out once every three weeks for dinner. This is in the last 18mts since we moved here. The two younger ones get very upset by this (not fair, she gets everything etc). Godfather is aware that it is causing conflict. I have suggested once evey few months. Have also explained time and again to DH. It falls on deaf ears with both.
It now seems to have turned into a battle of wills. I dread the emails asking as he often will push back for an alternate day and not accept my excuse. DH says it is wonderful that another adult is taking an interest. I think that every three weeks is too much and compromises her relationship with her sisters. I also think she is too young to have an "outside" relationship but maybe I am wrong there? My Godparents gave presents and an occasional day but became more active when I was older (teen). Same with my sibs and cousins.
So Wibu to say once every three to four months?

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

Let's substitute Jealously with Hurt Feelings

Hurt feelings means someone has been insulting or rude. Jealous is where you see others with something you want, but are not entitled to for whatever reason. Your younger children are the latter, you need to deal with it better instead of pandering to it. Oh, I also think YABU (not that it matters, you obviously don't think you are).

[MTPurse]

But The ops DH doesn't see a problem, he is also the Childs parent.

[NNalreadyinuse]

Can't say I've ever questioned my parenrs about my gp and if my mum had said that they had utterly disregarded her own view and tried to insist on something my mum was opposed to, I would utterly support her right to tell them to piss off.

If gf wants to be a parent, he should have a child and see how well he takes to being dictated to!

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

Positive reinforcement deals with jealousy.

'Big sis is going out to Godfathers tonight - fantastic, than means tonight is Special Pizza/Chose a Film/Camp in the Living Room (etc) night!'. The trick is not to focus on what's making the others jealous (certainly not show how it annoys you), and distract them with something equally as fun/different.

[WorraLiberty]

The GF is the child's father's best friend. The child's father doesn't seem to agree with the OP about this.

Now if I wanted to take my god child out and my best friend (her mother) was completely ok with me doing that every 3 weeks but her husband wasn't, I'd tell him to go back and talk it out with his wife.

Once they've agreed on something, then come back to me so I'm not stuck in the middle of them.

[NNalreadyinuse]

I think the dh should support his wife - he is not married to his friend.

[3WiseWomen]

The OP's DH is never there therefore he won't see it as a problem as he dosn't have to deal with it!! It's up to the OP to do most of the parenting there (and therefore in some ways, it is normal that the decision falls mainly on her rather than her DH. Just like she decides if one of the dcs can go to a playdate or whatever)

And why moving seeing her godfather from every 3 weeks to once every 4 or 6 weeks will automatically mean the dd will NEVER have a relationship with her godfather? The OP isn't saying No Contact. She is saying LESS contact!!

[Harriedharriet]

try it this way -

GF wants to take child out every three weeks.

Mother says - it is not working well for now, can we STILL DO IT but A LITTLE LESS.

GF says no.

Still ok?

[SuperCee7]

Another YABU here. It's brilliant that you're DD has this special relationship. It sucks that your other 2 DD are jealous and feel left out, but such is life. I don't think it's fair to GF or your DD to cut down their time together if they are both happy. Surely after 18 months of every three weeks they'd be used to it by now? Id be dealing with their jealous feelings and distract them rather than managing your DD's relationship with her GF

[Wombatinabathhat]

Isn't the idea that a godparent will look after the child if anything happens to the parent? If that is so, then why don't all the DC have the same godparents? Genuine question.

timelytess you should be ashamed of your post

[WorraLiberty]

If gf wants to be a parent, he should have a child and see how well he takes to being dictated to!

How have you come to the conclusion that wanting to take your GC out for dinner every few weeks, when her father (your best friend) is fine with it, means he wants to be a parent?

[NNalreadyinuse]

Personally, as a god parent, I wouldn't want to do something that one of the child's parents wasn't on board with. Agree that the OP does need to reach agreement with her dh so they present a united front.

[3WiseWomen]

MrsGently that's good isn't it. So every 3 weeks, the OP HAS to find an amusing interesting and really attractive thuing to do with ther younger dcs.
Even if they don't have the time or the money or she is exhausted to parent all 3 dcs on her own etc...

This is a family. Whatever is decided cannot be done on the basis of what is best for ONE person (in this case the dd). It has also has to take into account what it means for the other members of the family, incl the others dcs AND the OP (eg the extra work involved in doing some 'positive parenting' and finding exciting things to do).
it is not possible to take such a decision looking at the benefot for one person wo a care of the others.

[AppleAndBlackberry]

I think it's a little weird that he feels he has 'rights' over her and won't accept you saying it needs to be less frequent. I wouldn't personally have a problem with every three weeks if schedules allowed but his reaction to being told it's too often is strange.

Also I am a godmother but I take an equal interest in the child's sibling - is this unusual?

[WorraLiberty]

You think taking her out once every 3 to 4 months is a 'little less'?

Either way, it's for you and your DH to help your children to cope with jealous feelings.

If they weren't jealous about this, they'd be jealous about something else because it's perfectly natural for siblings to feel like that when growing up.

[3WiseWomen]

I would very careful for eample to jeopardise the relationship between the siblings for the sake of the relationship of ONE of them to her GF.

Especially if it's a case of the GF having NO flexbility. It has to be his way (every 3 weeks) or nothing. Why???

[MTPurse]

Still ok?

It depends if you are doing it for the reason you stated in your op or not.

To stop your child going out just because your younger dc are jealous is wrong.

To stop your child going out because she has other plans is a different matter.

[2rebecca]

I don't think every 3 weeks is alot if the child is happy with it, as she gets older she won't be interested. Tough on the other kids for not having more interested/ handy godparents. Agree just do something nice with them and don't make a big deal of the older one seeing her godfather. as they get older they'll have different friends/ parties/ hobbies etc. They are siblings not clones. They will have different lives.
Whiny younger siblings shouldn't adversely affect an older sibling.

[NNalreadyinuse]

He seems to want to be a parent in the sense that he thinks his opinion holds equal weight to that of the actual parent. It is up to parents to make decisions, not god parents

[Borninthe60s]

Good for him. Don't stop it just explain you're balancing it all and at the mo feel it's too frequent. But you also value his role.

[Harriedharriet]

3WISEWOMEN - thank you very very much.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

^MrsGently that's good isn't it. So every 3 weeks, the OP HAS to find an amusing interesting and really attractive thuing to do with ther younger dcs.
Even if they don't have the time or the money or she is exhausted to parent all 3 dcs on her own etc...^

It doesn't have to be big or expensive! But yes, goodness forbid the OP has to parent her children or do anything interesting with them . The OP doesn't have to parent on her own, she has a husband as has been stated (you know, the one who's fine with the daughter seeing her godfather). Children do different things as they get older, if it bings out jealousy then there has to be a way to do something different with the other children. 'Get a grip' doesn't usually work with younger ones, unfortunatly, and stopping the eldest seeing her Godfather every few weeks because the others get jealous seems equally unfair.

[WorraLiberty]

Exactly NNalreadyinuse

It's up to the parents

However, the child's parents cant agree on this. I think they need to compromise, come to a decision together and then tell the GF what they've decided.

The fact he seems to want to stick to his guns, tells me it's quite possible the OP's DH has totally dismissed her feelings on it.

[NNalreadyinuse]

If that is the case worra, then she has bigger problems than the gf.

[XiCi]

How does your DD feel about this OP?
Is she happy to go out with her gf every 3 weeks?