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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DPs son to move in.

317 replies

livedtotellthetale · 04/02/2016 14:14

A bit of background my partner moved in with me and dds over two years ago, it is my 2 bed housing association flat he contributes towards the rent and bills. DD1 and DD2 both now away at university.
DP has a DS who is 18 nearly 19 who lives with his mum, DS has always been welcome and sometimes stays at the flat got a nice Sofa bed for that reason and sleeps in the dds room when they are away at uni, DP also spends time with his DS at his home as his mum goes away some weekends we all get on ok.

We do have different parenting ways I think that they smother DS and baby him and pander to him but thats their choice none of my business I know DP hasn't liked some of my parenting in the past.

Now DPs ex is thinking about moving 200 miles away great job opportunity and partner in that area, his DS will not want to move and its been suggested that he moves in with us as dds are away alot at Uni so he can have their room, but thats the problem it is my dds room all though away at uni its still their home to come back too when ever they want need too they have gone no contact with there dad so its just me.

Also I like his DS but he is not working or studying and seems to be drifting and his mum and dad seem to be enabling this again none of my business but my DDS are at Uni and working part time jobs to support themselves so I find it difficult to understand why they are just letting him drift along.

I have got used to having our home for me and DP most of the time walking around naked if I feel like it and just having me to think about if I dont want to cook I dont I think its my time to enjoy myself and not have to worry about teenagers.

I have spoken to Dp about my feelings he thinks I am being unreasonable he says he will pay more towards the rent I just feel I cant do it because of the reasons above.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 04/02/2016 18:29

I saw my niece nephew and sil all having to fend for themselves and move in with all different people when they could no longer afford their home.

Borninthe60s · 04/02/2016 18:36

The only solution is to move to a three bed. I do think you are being a little unreasonable. You knew he had a child and as far as I'm concerned you take on a partner and their baggage just like he did with you.

firesidechat · 04/02/2016 18:41

The op would be incredibly stupid to move to a 3 bed house and give up her tenancy. What if her bf's son gets his act together in 6 months and wants to move out. The op would have made a huge sacrifice for the sake of an adult who is at a very fluid stage of life. Anything could happen.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2016 18:41

'The only solution is to move to a three bed.'

In London, a private rent. And give up an HA 2-bed. Yeah, right. She hasn't adopted him. She isn't even married to this guy.

'He is not your "dear partner'. If he was it would not be "my home' but "our home", '

So if you own a homeowner and someone moves into you, then he gets half the house, too?

Get real! People who have lived a while, have older kids, etc. quite regularly and sensibly protect themselves financially when they start co-habitating with others all the time.

IJustLostTheGame · 04/02/2016 18:43

What does the dss think of this situation?
Why doesn't he want to go with his mother?
I think you need to clarify to your dp exactly what is bothering you. For starters your dd's bedroom is exactly that and should stay that way.
But I think offering a sofa for a while would be reasonable.
What does your dp think will happen out of this?
For starters if dss were to move in you would have an equal say for instance; get a job and contribute or get on a course or get gone.
I think there are a lot of undercurrents going on here.

PosieReturningParker · 04/02/2016 18:43

I have to ask what sort of parent DP is if he ended up living somewhere that no matter what his DS couldn't live too.

littleleftie · 04/02/2016 18:46

This isn't a child moving into OPs home it's another adult. An adult who isn't working or in education.

YANBU OP, no way would I give up a HA flat in these circumstances, and where are DDs supposed to sleep in the holidays if DS has their room full time? It sounds as though DP will have to rent somewhere for himself and his DS short term until he feels mature enough to live without a parent.

peggyundercrackers · 04/02/2016 18:58

I can't believe you don't want him to move in so you can walk about naked - your not vain are you...

Your DP comes with baggage - just because you think he's a bit lazy doesn't mean he is, I'm sure if your DP came on here he wouldn't describe his DS as lazy. He's obviously been through a bit of a hard time in the past with his parents separating - maybe that's affected him when he was a child. Just because your DDs are in college/uni doesn't mean he should be. HE is an individual and should be treated as such - it's not a competition who has the best children but you seem to have raced to the bottom of that barrel.

Some of the replies on here are despicable and shocking but don't surprise me. I'm sure if this was a woman posting about her moving her DD into his home the answers would be entirely different - as usual though the two faces of MN shine through.

Headofthehive55 · 04/02/2016 19:13

posie the sort of parent that is not financial solvent to do anything else!

Atenco · 04/02/2016 19:32

peggyundercrackers

Do you really think this? The OP's dds only have one home with their mother, if this lad moves in, the dds will have to move out and they have nowhere else to go. The dss still has his mother's house, so he will end up with two homes and dds will be homeless, how can that be fair?

janethegirl2 · 04/02/2016 19:40

OP, do not let your DPs DS move in as you risk losing control of your own house. Your DDs may well want to live in London and get a job when they qualify. Why should you risk your own dcs not having a place to live to accommodate your DPs DS who is an adult. If the DS can't get a job in London let him relocate with his mum......he sounds rather lazy and entitled IMO.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2016 19:47

'I'm sure if this was a woman posting about her moving her DD into his home the answers would be entirely different - as usual though the two faces of MN shine through.'

No it wouldn't and I have seen plenty of similar threads.

I've seen a lot, too, where a woman gives up asset(s) (and a secure tenancy in London can certainly be considered one) for an unmarried partner and then she and her children are homeless when the relationship breaks down.

PMSL that it's 'vain' to want to walk round your own home naked and have privacy in your own home.

My kids have had a rough time already. And my DS is autistic. But I could in no way financially support an 18-year-old child who is able to work and be in education. That's lazy. I'd call them that, too.

FrankNstein · 04/02/2016 19:51

Can you link to threads where a man has posted that his partners daughter wants to move in and he's not happy about it, and the posters support the man?

I'd be interesting to read it.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2016 19:53

Then go and look for one. I've been here for 11 years and have seen loads, but I'm not a researcher for MN so knock yourself up because they exist. You're free to doubt it. It troubles me not. I'm not in a court. Hmm Although I can't remember when threads in Chat started disappearing or when Off the Beaten Track came into existence.

AlwaysHopeful1 · 04/02/2016 19:54

The most stupid advice for the op is to go find a 3 bed place to now house another adult. Why would she give up her security home for that? He is 18yo who has a choice of education or working, he's doing neither.
Also, she has raised her daughters who are now at university and creating their own path. Why would she accept any less from another adult.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2016 19:59

I agree, Always. It's this whole idea that any 'partner' is automatically a 'family' unit, Always, that's mind blowing and stupid. These people have only been living together for 2 years, are not married and they had kids who were already well into teen years when they began to co-habitat. The OP did not adopt her partner's child, who is, unless the OP has stated otherwise, an able-bodied and capable adult who has chosen not to pursue employment or education. He has a reasonable offer of accommodation with his other parent.

janethegirl2 · 04/02/2016 20:08

One good reason not to cohabit unless your children have either flown the nest or you don't have any.

Cheby · 04/02/2016 20:28

To everyone saying that the OP should accommodate him, how?! I can't see how he can physically fit in the flat, there is not room. The DDs probably officially still live there; when I was at uni I had 28 weeks of term time (two 9 week and one 10 week term), and 24 weeks of being at home (although I moved out properly after my first year). I lived in halls that weren't available in the holidays, you had to go home.

The HA will class it as overcrowding. And OP would be misguided to give up a secured tenancy for a temporary situation .

I think helping DS find a local flat share, and providing him with a bit of a safety net as he gets started (round for meals a good few times a week etc, check if he needs help sorting bills out etc) would be a good solution. He's going to need to get a job though, surely?

peggyundercrackers · 04/02/2016 20:39

Expat of course it's vain - do you really think it's more important to walk about naked than to provide a home for your partners son? Can't believe people are also saying he's not a child - he's only 18ffs, hardly a grown mature adult. I wonder how many threads are out there about daughters who are 18 doing things and people com on saying ah but she's not mature, she's not really an adult, she's still young blah blah blah but when it comes to someone's son the tables turn so quickly.

No one has asked OP to financially support her DPs son.

No there are no threads on here which show a woman trying to move into her DPs flat and he was supported - your talking utter shite.

Atenco the OP DDs have already moved out - they are at uni carving their own path in life, but let's leave the room empty in case she wants to come back.

I actually feel sorry for woman on here who have sons and read this shit, they must wonder what's in store for his future.

DinosaursRoar · 04/02/2016 20:55

Oh Peggy - either he's a child or not, if he's a child, he should be in education and, if living with his dad isn't an option, still be living with his Mum when she moves house even if he doesn't want to move to the new town - or he's an adult who doesn't need to be in education if he doesn't want to be and doesn't have to move to a new town if his mum moves and he doesn't want to move too.

If he's an adult and doesn't want to live with the parent who is both able and prepared to keep him (his mum), then it's not down to the rest of the family to rally round to provide an alternative, particularly if that means significantly reducing their own financial security or quality of life.

If he's a child, he can suck up moving with his mum as his Dad isn't able to provide a home for him for more than a couple of nights at a time.

If he had a job in the area, that might be different, but then the OP would be still within her rights to say just until Easter when her DDs come home, but would help him with the deposit for a flat share, but if he's not got a job and source of income, then no one is going to want to take him in a flat share.

PrimalLass · 04/02/2016 20:56

Then tell him that if he gets a job you will all be able to move to a 3 bedroom place and he can have a room of his own.

That is a terrible suggestion for all the reasons above.

Atenco the OP DDs have already moved out - they are at uni carving their own path in life, but let's leave the room empty in case she wants to come back.

Uni is 30 weeks per year, and this flat is their home.

DinosaursRoar · 04/02/2016 20:58

And it's worth noting the OP's DP has never provided a home away from his Mums home, the OP said before her DP lived with her he had a 1 bed flat from work, so hardly like he's given up a home that he could share with his DS to move in to the OP's flat.

notinagreatplace · 04/02/2016 21:00

I'm genuinely surprised by the number of people who think that because it was originally the OP's flat and she has the tenancy that she is the final arbiter of everything relating to the flat. That would be fine if she paid all of the costs of the flat but she doesn't. It's not at all reasonable to let someone move in with you and share the costs of your home with you but claim it's "yours" when it suits you. The OP isn't doing that, of course, she sounds very reasonable but everyone else is..

Of course, if you want to protect your rights to a property, when you move in together, that's fine but that means you pay for the property yourself, you don't take what I suspect is at least an equal contribution and then give your DP no say in anything relating to the property.

whois · 04/02/2016 21:03

OP would be a fucking lunatic to give up her secure HA tenancy in london!!!!!

Much better for her to stay out, and DP move out for a bit to love with his son for a couple of years.

You can still love each other and be together just not love together for a while.

notinagreatplace · 04/02/2016 21:04

I think the right answer here, as always, is some kind of compromise where you let him stay with you for a set amount of time - perhaps until the university summer holidays are due to start - but on the condition that he find a job (or some other plan) and make plans to move out. it sounds like he's the sort of kid who needs a bit more a nudge to get going and that it might actually be quite good for him to be around you and your daughters a bit more.