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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said something re. shoplifter...

213 replies

escapedfrommordor · 03/02/2016 16:43

This has been playing on my mind since this morning.
I was doing the food shop and I saw a lady in the baby aisle. You know when you radar sort of goes off? Her behaviour just seemed "off" and I saw her pick up a bunch of baby food pouches and walk off to the next aisle. Straight after that I saw her walk between two tills and out of the exit. She didn't have any bags or anything and there were no other tills open.
I said to the lady on the till "Sorry I think that lady has just left with a load of baby food and not paid..." and she just kinda shrugged it off! She said "Oh I'll remember her face for next time."
I went back to my shopping and then paid at the till the member of staff was on and we chatted about it. She seemed to be of the opinion she must be desperate if she's stealing baby food and that it was sad.
Would you have said something or assume she was in dire need and ignored it? Wondering if I'm just a bit heartless..

OP posts:

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 04/02/2016 19:06

Instinct. There are certain circumstances in which I would help anyone but not in others. Everyone has their own moral compass. if she's on the bones of her arse that's sad and yes it's a reason to steal but it doesn't mean it's right to turn a blind eye.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 04/02/2016 19:09

Plus it's not like you are deciding her future. What the store decides to do with the information is up to them, if she gets arrested, she may get off (what with it not being her fault an all) so she's got nothing to worry about.

BifsWif · 04/02/2016 19:14

Fair enough.

Personally I couldn't turn in a young woman stealing pouches of baby food. Yes, she might be stealing for selfish reasons, but equally she might not and I'd have no way of knowing the difference.

OutWithTheDogs · 04/02/2016 19:20

how do you decide who is deserving of your help without knowing every detail of their lives? Or do you just solve that problem by helping nobody at all 'just in case'?

I deal with this by giving direct to charities I trust. For example I don't give to beggars ever but I give to homeless charities.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 04/02/2016 19:31

Just out of interest, why is everyone assuming she's a YOUNG mother? I can't see it in the OP. Or are people just assuming? And you don't even know it was her kid - if you are going to rob baby food then it makes sense to have a kid with you.

Why not just dispense with tills, security etc and let everyone who says they need it just help themselves? The rest of us can just pay for it, can't we. That will be lovely. Oh no wait - then the shops will go under... And more people will be on the bones of their ass and whose going to feed them?

And yes I'm taking that to extremes but where do you draw the line? Baby food is fine. Presumably any baby products would be fine. Then food for the woman? And she will need clothes... And presumably a phone as that's essential for most people... And of course a house... And you can't expect her to live in a hovel so that's furniture, tv, cooking and washing facilities.

So is it okay if she steals or steals to fund all of this?

Just wondering where the line is drawn

ZiggyFartdust · 04/02/2016 19:35

Nobody said it was fine. If you're going to rant, pay attention to what you are responding to at least.

BifsWif · 04/02/2016 19:45

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 04/02/2016 19:49

Yes it was a rant but I just wondered how far was acceptable.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 04/02/2016 19:53

And now I'm out of here - I'm sure you will be glad about that.

If you honestly think most people are good and do things only out of need then good luck to you - I hope your faith is justified.

ZiggyFartdust · 04/02/2016 20:12

It generally has been so far, and I'm pretty old. I find you get back what you give to the world.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/02/2016 20:20

God I hope Livia is never called up for jury service

Sallystyle · 04/02/2016 20:33

I know someone who steals anything she can steal. She would steal baby food and it's not because she was poor, she wasn't but if she could get something for free she would take it. I assume she is still stealing but I have nothing to do with her now.

I do wonder how someone gets in the position to be so skint they can't afford baby food. I lived off benefits for a long time and it always paid enough to feed my children, I'm not judging someone who is in the situation where they can't afford baby food but I do wonder how they got into the position where they can't afford it, it is terribly sad but it isn't due to not getting enough benefits to feed a child.

I wouldn't have said anything to the check out assistant and would have minded my own business.

WanderingTrolley1 · 04/02/2016 20:36

I wouldn't have said anything. As I didn't when I saw a very disheveled woman walk into a coffee shop, take a sandwich then walk off.

She looked desperate. I just thought: what if I were desperate?

kali110 · 05/02/2016 00:40

I've been skint for the last two years but never would resort to stealing. If I couldn't feed my kids I,d ask for help. It would hardly help my kids if got a criminal record or set a good example.

I actually agree with some of livia post as nobody ever seems to care that theft does put workers out of jobs.

lrb978 · 05/02/2016 00:52

DS (13) and I saw a young mum take a sandwich from the reduced section of the supermarket and put it in her bag. Early evening, stuff was a maximum of half price, mostly less. DS's face was a picture but rather than him say something (and he would have) I walked him away quickly and told him to leave it. She had stuff for her toddler in her basket, obviously the sandwich was a bit too much.

If ever I was reduced to stealing reduced food, I hope someone would have the same compassion, rather than dob me in. I wish I could have helped her more, but by the time I had spoken to DS I couldn't see her

lrb978 · 05/02/2016 00:54

And yes, had it been alcohol, electrical items or similar I would have alerted security, but a reduced price out-of-date today sandwich, never

ZiggyFartdust · 05/02/2016 09:25

Theft doesn't put workers out of jobs. All shops work a margin in to account for shoplifting, its part of any business model.

0pheliaBalls · 05/02/2016 10:01

My father abused my mother in every way possible, for the entire 30 years of their marriage. This included allowing her a tiny amount of money to buy food for a family of four, and he insisted on 'decent' food for himself. If my mother didn't comply, she would be beaten, or me or my brother would. To her eternal shame (and she tearfully admitted this to me not long before she died) she occasionally had to shoplift food so me and my brother could eat. She never stole food for herself and often went hungry. The shame of having to do this stayed with her until she died.

And before some of those on this thread who lack empathy comment, in those days there were no food banks and refuges were few and far between (if my mother could have managed to get away in the first place, which I doubt).

I genuinely feel that Livia deserves some compassion, too. As unkind and lacking in humanity her views are, she's obviously been very hurt in the past and only sees the bad in people. Such a sad way to view the world.

hefzi · 05/02/2016 10:17

I live in an area where shop-lifted food and food from food banks is regularly (as in, at least weekly) sold door-to-door (also shoplifted other things, mind you - and they will also take "orders") and I am actually been offered baby food most weeks: so though it's charitable to assume she was going to feed her own child, that isn't necessarily the case. The same way, people shop-lifting food aren't necessarily doing it to feed themselves and their families.

The tenant previous to me used to part-pay his rent, apparently, in shop-lifted meat from our local supermarket According to my LL, though, it's OK to shoplift, because the stores are making a fortune out of their customers...

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 05/02/2016 10:36

I have escaped being hurt precisely because I don't emotionally over invest.

And no I don't want or deserve any level of compassion - saying that I have obviously been hurt is an example of making an assumption about people when you don't know them. I am capable of a lot of compassion but only in certain circumstances and situations.

Even if I genuinely thought that the woman was shoplifting to feed her child, rather than being a drug addict etc, that wouldn't affect my decision to report her. In that situation I wouldn't feel compassion. Why would I?

If my post shows anything surely it's that I'm right - some people aren't nice!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/02/2016 10:39

Ophelia I don't know how anyone cannot be touched by your very honest and sobering post. I'm sure there are many women today in a similar position to your poor mother. Yes you are right, everyone deserves to be treated with some compassion and empathy, including those who hold opinions different to your own.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 05/02/2016 10:44

And in case anyone thinks I don't know anything about abuse - my bio father was abusive to my mother for years before she managed to leave him.

BifsWif · 05/02/2016 10:52

Can I ask why you wouldn't show compassion to a woman shoplifting to feed her child? Assuming she had no other way of feeding them that day of course.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/02/2016 10:53

Livia I'm sorry you had to experience that in your childhood. This is just a hypothetical debate so please don't be upset about it. You're entitled to air your own opinions as is everyone.

BifsWif · 05/02/2016 10:53

Sorry, feel compassion.

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