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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have another child and be done with it

402 replies

greenkitee · 01/02/2016 16:03

I need to have a section with any other baby I have, I don't particularly like the thought of this and would love to avoid it but unfortunately cannot avoid it.

But I would like to start toning up my belly, should I just have another baby and tone up after? Or tone up for nothing as will need a section anyway

I'm currently on JSA, but I do work 16 hour so will be able to save from my work.

Should I just get child baring over and done with?

OP posts:
TheCatsMeow · 02/02/2016 14:50

Purple not in my opinion - I'm not saying don't take it unless it's your dream but your priority should be getting qualifications

PurpleDaisies · 02/02/2016 14:51

So it is impossible to work while you're getting qualifications? Hmm

PurpleDaisies · 02/02/2016 14:52

At some points in your life getting qualifications is a luxury. I'd love to go back and do a masters but it doesn't work financially. Again, sometimes you have to pay your bills first.

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 02/02/2016 14:53

And when you have no drive, no motivation to even life then yes it fucking is

Have you seen your Dr OP?

TheCatsMeow · 02/02/2016 14:54

No it isn't impossible but it can be very difficult. Again I agree that some qualifications are a luxury but the OP has none. So her priority should be figuring out what she wants to do and working towards it

Happy workforce - less stress - less sickness - more productivity - more efficient

PurpleDaisies · 02/02/2016 14:55

Just making a list of words doesn't constitute a coherent argument.

Shutthatdoor · 02/02/2016 14:55

Happy workforce - less stress - less sickness - more productivity - more efficient

Life really isn't that straightforward.

LentilStew · 02/02/2016 14:57

I'm beginning to think that Cats is sockpuppeting here. Hmm

TheCatsMeow · 02/02/2016 14:57

No it isn't, but in general terms a workforce that's happier will give better results. If we want to solve unemployment we need to give these people purpose and drive, not force them into a crap job out of some hatred for the morality of being in welfare

TheCatsMeow · 02/02/2016 14:58

Ask MNHQ I'm not sock puppet ting. I'm a single parent and not on JSA.

BunnyTyler · 02/02/2016 14:58

Have you been to your GP?

I mean this sincerely now - PND is awful (I've had it), depression & anxiety is awful (I've had it, have been diagnosed bipolar now), working a shit job you hate is awful (I've done it in the past), cleaning work is not exactly life affirming (I've done that as a job).

All of these things mean that you are definitely not in the right frame of mind, or the right point in your life to have another child - this will just make it worse for you.

Try and get a quiet moment to yourself, and write a list:
What are you unhappy with
What are you scared of
How do you really feel (being honest with yourself is often the hardest thing)

You can't begin to unravel everything until you sort your mental well being out - so first step is the doctor. Be honest with them.

The shitty jobs are a means to an end - they give you routine, references & experience.
Don't fall into the trap of staying there for ever though, keep your eyes and ears open for other opportunities.

Very few people are handed opportunities (although it doesn't seem like that when you're outside looking in), many have waded through the shit to get to where they are.

Stay strong, see your GP, be kind to yourself and DON'T have another baby yet. Xx

TheCatsMeow · 02/02/2016 14:59

Bunny I do to some extent agree with that post

PurpleDaisies · 02/02/2016 15:00

If we want to solve unemployment we need to give these people purpose and drive, not force them into a crap job out of some hatred for the morality of being in welfare.

So who will do the jobs that you have decided are 'crap'? I did not work because I hated the thought of being on JSA, I was able to work and there were jobs available so I found one. I appreciate there aren't always jobs available, and done people can't work which it totally fair enough but the default should be if you have bills to pay and there is a job you can do you should do it.

NameChange30 · 02/02/2016 15:01

Hmmm. I think people are being rather harsh. I can understand why but it's not helpful.

OP, it's clear to me that you don't want to live off benefits, and you're trying to do things differently from your mother, but you're feeling a bit trapped atm. I have some suggestions that I hope will help you to feel less trapped:

Firstly, your PND and anxiety is difficult as it is but it's clearly affecting your ability to find work as well:
"I feel like I am in a deep dark hole. I get so scared about what the future holds and if I am ever going to find a full time job I like, but it's been so long since I had a full time job that I'm scared of interviews, meeting people etc."
I think you could do with more support on this. ADs may help but they won't fix it. Could you ask your GP about CBT or other counselling services that might be available? I do think that would really help you to feel better about yourself and your ability to find work.

Secondly, the practical and financial situation. You've mentioned JSA, but are you or your partner receiving any other benefits, such as Housing Benefit, Child Benefit, Council Tax discounts, etc? I advise you to find out whether you are entitled to any other benefits while you find your feet. Also find out what will change if and when you and your partner get more work - you are likely to be eligible for Tax Credits, for example. When you do the sums, you will probably find that you'll be financially better off working. Depending on the job, you might be able to get childcare vouchers from an employer. And have you looked into all the childcare options?

Thirdly, you would probably benefit from some decent careers advice. The job centre are rubbish when it comes to that kind of thing. Why not look up the National Careers Service and see if there's an office near you?

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, you and your partner need to be working as a team. If he is only studying for 12 hours a week, he can do childcare and/or get a part time job at other times. You are both parents and both need to take responsibility for the childcare and the finances. I suggest you sort those out before you consider having a second baby.

As for your partner saying you need to lose weight and tone up... That's completely out of order, especially given that you're struggling with PND and anxiety and you're the only one doing some work to support the family. He needs to show you some appreciation, respect and support.

TheCatsMeow · 02/02/2016 15:04

Purple everyone likes different things, one persons idea of a shit job will be great for another person!

Again I'm not saying only take your dream job but if you're unqualified it makes more sense to learn a skill in something you enjoy, do it properly and then get a long term job you're good at than spread yourself too thin, lose your confidence and end up miserable doing something you hate.

BunnyTyler · 02/02/2016 15:06

*It's a manual job, it's pretty tiring actually.
*
I have been a cleaner.
My working day was:
8 - 10 clean a pub
11 - 2 clean holiday cottages
3 - 6 waitress in a cafe
8 - 12ish barmaid
5 days a week, sometimes extra stuff on a 6th day.

Admittedly that was years ago now, back in the early 90s, but it was a lot more 'back breaking' than 16 hrs a week.

My career for 20 years was aircraft engineer, usually about 45 hours a week (with 2 kids).
THAT was physical and manual, yet not what I would describe as 'backbreaking'.

TheCatsMeow · 02/02/2016 15:08

Bunny good for you. But some people find some things far harder

BunnyTyler · 02/02/2016 15:09

AnotherEmma - totally agree with everything you said.

greenkitee, there's loads of good, helpful advice in her post.

LentilStew · 02/02/2016 15:14

I don't have any issue with the benefits system supporting the op in her current situation.

Neither do I have an issue with the idea of increasing that support to allow her to gain either qualifications or work based experience. All towards the greater good as far as I can see.

I do have an issue with her contemplating increasing that burden both on the tax payer and herself by planning another child.

I also wonder how anyone can find a life partner at 19 and know they share the same philosophy on everything from politics to child rearing. To know that partner will be a decent parent, a hard working employee, a conscientious member of society, a kind and compassionate human whatever life throws at them. How can you know all that at 19 or even 21 enough to chose your life partner and decide to procreate with them? (Twice)

LentilStew · 02/02/2016 15:18

I was almost 25 when we married and we had been together 5yrs. Even the in not sure you really know someone that young. I'll be advising my daughter to wait.

NameChange30 · 02/02/2016 15:22

Thanks Bunny. And I agree with your point that the most important thing is for the OP to look after her mental health. OP, if you start to feel better you will hopefully find it easier to address the more practical things. One step at a time Flowers

AndNowItsSeven · 02/02/2016 15:30

No op your are confused, the job centre mean you only have to find a job within 30 minutes to stop you being sanctioned. Many people commute up to 90 minutes.

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 02/02/2016 15:33

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, you and your partner need to be working as a team. If he is only studying for 12 hours a week, he can do childcare and/or get a part time job at other times.

^ this. Which is basically who most have been saying but better Smile

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 02/02/2016 15:34

I was fairly convinced this thread was a wind up, it's like Benefits Britain Bingo, but I wasn't 100% sure until this:

'There isn't even a McDonalds in my city'

and now I KNOW it's a wind up. At least I hope so. If not it's a shining example of everything that is fucking wrong with the benefits system and how we ended up in the mess we are in today.

AndNowItsSeven · 02/02/2016 15:40

You are right BadlyBehaved not having access to cheap burgers is a travesty.