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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friends Crashing Our Holiday (sort of)

347 replies

PinkFairy22 · 01/02/2016 12:55

DH has done some work for our friend's parents. The work went well, the parents were very happy (and paid for it, in case that's relevant.).

The parents have a large holiday house in Cornwall which they often rent out and, as a thank you, have offered it to us - free- for a week over Easter. Totally unexpected and very kind of them.

We've confirmed the dates and arranged travel, car hire etc. Got a text last night from my friend saying "surprise, we're coming too". There's plenty of room in the house, so it's not going to be a space issue.

I'm really gutted, as I was really looking forward to a family break. We get on well with these friends, but have never been away with them - or even contemplated it tbh. Our kids get on ok but not brilliantly.

AIBU to feel so gutted?

OP posts:
AdriftOnMemoryBliss · 02/02/2016 09:49

i dont understand why you'd cut the holiday short rather than call the people actually loaning you the cottage to ask why this other couple are also going when you understood you would have exclusive use.

Stop being such a bloody wet lettuce and stand up for yourselves!

AppleSetsSail · 02/02/2016 09:51

i dont understand why you'd cut the holiday short rather than call the people actually loaning you the cottage to ask why this other couple are also going when you understood you would have exclusive use.

What a super idea. Hmm

OP maybe you'll find that you really like these people? I think cutting it short to a long weekend is an excellent compromise.

var123 · 02/02/2016 09:54

AdriftOnMemoryBliss Stop being such a bloody wet lettuce and stand up for yourselves!

I am guessing you are not one of the introvert posters!

I wouldn't call the parents because it would not end well. What are they supposed to do? Call their grown up children and tell them off? That won't make for a good relationship with the OP!

Or what if the parents don't see the problem? What's the OP supposed to do then?
Also, calling someone's parents to sort things out rather than doing it yourself is a bit immature and, frankly, embarrassing.

Twinklestein · 02/02/2016 10:17

I find the gaucherie as a much of an eyeopener as the socialising difficulties tbh. Perhaps the two go together?

Yes ring the parents and demand why they've allowed their children to use their house. What a great idea.

KakiFruit · 02/02/2016 10:17

LyndaNotLinda They didn't use those exact words you just used, no, but several posters HAVE said they can't understand why she has a problem with this and they're sure she'll have great fun if she keeps an open mind.

Jux · 02/02/2016 10:23

I can see it now.

Parents: Your friend did a great job we're really happy, and such a nice chap. We've given them the cottage for a week at Easter.
Child/friend: that was nice of you. They're a nice family. Hey! I've just thought, we could go at Easter too!
Parents: only if they don't mind. We didn't say anything to them about sharing. You must check with them and make sure they don't mind.
Child/friend: OK, I'll ask them when I get home.

Child/friend gets home, sends email: Hey we're going to be sharing the cottage with you! Great, huh?

alltouchedout · 02/02/2016 10:24

I think your friends and their parents are rather rude, actually. Lovely and generous to offer the house, but once it was accepted, rude to think it's perfectly ok to allow whoever else they please to also stay. I wouldn't go in these circumstances myself. Especially not two families in a 4 bed house.

MissBattleaxe · 02/02/2016 10:32

I don't think the parents are rude. They might either not know or be told "Oh we know Pink really well, she'll love it" and have no reason to think otherwise.

Lweji · 02/02/2016 10:43

I am guessing you are not one of the introvert posters!

For the record, introvert people are quite capable of standing up for themselves. It's shy and less confident people who are less likely to challenge something like this.
Don't confuse the two. :)

Tartyflette · 02/02/2016 11:00

The OP says the house owners offered it to them free for a week at Easter ( clearly it hadn't been let, for whatever reason)
So for the OP to assume they could have the sole use of the whole house, as a family, would not be at all unreasonable. And whether you were a family of three or four, or six or seven, would not matter, surely. No limits were placed on your occupancy, it seems?

The owners didn't say you will be sharing it with our DCs family.

It seems likely to me the owners children thought that only you and your DH and DCs were going, there would be room for them, too, so they jumped in, rather cheekily.

I would vote for going back to the owners for clarification, re their DCs and possibly mention that seeing it was a big house you had thought of bringing your parents/Pils along. I would also offer to pay to rent it at a different time. If the Easter trip doesn't come off and they are at all decent, (and they do sound nice),, they might say its available xxxx dates, would you like it then instead?

var123 · 02/02/2016 11:20

Lweji I was referring to the unpleasant wet lettuce comment, not an introvert's ability to stand their ground.

Lweji · 02/02/2016 11:27

Ah, I see.

var123 · 02/02/2016 11:27

Why is everyone imagining that people always let out their holiday homes? Is it because the ones that holidaymakers stay in have been let out?

I have a 2nd home, some of my friends do too and none of us rents them out. (My friends don't need the money and I just haven't got myself organised yet). So, they are all available this Easter and all Summer should I decide to offer it to friends and family to use.

I imagine the conversation went somethign like:
Parents: Pink and Pink-DP seem lovely. Pink-DP did a great job.
DD/ DIL: I am glad I recommended him to you. I like them too (unspoken: aren't I good at choosing friends?)
Parents: We've offered them the holiday house for Easter.
DD/ DIL: Really? I fancy going along too. It would be good to spend time with them as they are really close friends of ours.
Parents: Its up to you. Just arrange it between yourselves.
DD/ DIL: "Surprise! I have decided to join you."

seafoodeatit · 02/02/2016 12:35

Has the OP returned yet?

this is unreasonable! I need to know what happened next!

Veritat · 02/02/2016 12:44

Yes, she has, seafood.

Original poster
PinkFairy22 · 02/02/2016 13:18

Sorry for my unreasonableness Smile!

No final decision yet - but likely to just go with it, but for a long weekend instead. On reflection, a week might be a bit much anyway - as others have said, it's probably not the best time for Cornwall.

My only reply so far was soon after I got the text. I said "wow, seriously? what a surprise! got to run, but talk soon". She just replied with a smiley.

I'm not being a wet lettuce btw!! Her parents are absolutely lovely and don't want to put them in an awkward position or decline once we've already accepted.

Planning to tell the friends exactly what we've got planned - lazy mornings, trips out, early nights, simple meals etc, all very low key as we're really looking forward to just chilling out. Think it's best to set the scene.

OP posts:
LittleBeautyBelle · 02/02/2016 13:42

I think the issue is that this woman rudely pops up "Surprise!" "We're coming too" and there's nothing you can do about it!!! smiley face!!!

I very much doubt this woman is so clueless that she doesn't know perfectly well that it is beyond rude and pushy to invite yourself to somebody else's holiday.

To say, oh just go and enjoy vacationing with friends!! is to ignore the fact that she invited herself. That is very different than friends planning a vacation together. Op has no desire to vacation with this particular person. Just because the vacation house belongs to this woman's parents, it is still not her house.

Imagine scenarios (besides surprise birthday parties) where someone pops up unexpectedly "surprise!!" it's usually an unwelcome surprise and the "surpriser" knows it. There's so many tv shows and movies with this kind of scene that it's a cliche.

Why is she inviting herself? That is the question. I feel for you, op.

LyndaNotLinda · 02/02/2016 13:49

I wonder whether the whole family see it as their shared house and that they're used to just crashing one another's bookings like this? So as long as there's enough beds for everyone, it's a bit of a free for all?

MerryMarigold · 02/02/2016 14:02

Planning to tell the friends exactly what we've got planned - lazy mornings, trips out, early nights, simple meals etc,

Wow, all in a long weekend. Sounds busy!

I think it is LIKELY that they are not thinking of doing everything with you, but rather just sharing the accommodation and maybe playing a game in the evening or something.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 02/02/2016 14:04

"For the record, introvert people are quite capable of standing up for themselves. It's shy and less confident people who are less likely to challenge something like this.
Don't confuse the two."

Good point!

But.... I think there is an overlap. I find it incredibly stressful to be assertive at times, I have to think very hard about it and grit my teeth to do it and it takes some energy. This is something I am perfectly capable of doing, and it is basically my whole work life, but I wouldn't deliberately plan to spend my holiday doing it.

I think this is related to my extreme introversion because I can't ever effortlessly, thoughtlessly, express a preference. "Oh but I wanted to go to the other beach where there's more shade" - I could never come out with that, it would take me several minutes of saying things like, "yes. Right, that's an idea, or maybe - did you really want to go to that beach? Because there are a few beaches...." etc etc. it's exhausting.

Impossible to say which is cause and which is effect but the outcome is I am very selective about who I spend time with, because basically my options are to be alone, or to do mostly what the other person wants all the time, or to stress out managing negotiations I feel hopelessly ill-equipped to have.

LeaLeander · 02/02/2016 14:19

I very much doubt this woman is so clueless that she doesn't know perfectly well that it is beyond rude and pushy to invite yourself to somebody else's holiday.

This is what I have been thinking and why I would withdraw from the situation. It's obviously a territorial power play of some sort. Maybe she is jealous of her parents' approval of the OP and her husband, or maybe she just doesn't like outsiders using the vacation house.

I have to say: We own a lakeside family cottage and after my dad died, my sister started making noises about lending it to her friends and such. She has moved far away from this area so the upkeep of the cottage falls to me. And if she were to send groups of people, who were strangers to me, to the cottage, guess who would be washing and changing the towels and bed linens after they left, and clearing up any mess and dealing with the repair of any accidental spills or mishaps? Moi. (and I might add there is no laundry there so I would be hauling home carloads of towels and bedding to wash here.) So I protested and she finally dropped the matter but not without a few choice words about my supposed "selfishness."

I realize this is a different situation than the OP but my point is that people do become protective and territorial of the family cottage. There is NO WAY I would let outsiders stay in ours unsupervised - too many things could go wrong with in a few careless moments with the septic system, the boat, the older kitchen appliances etc. and then I would be on the hook to sort out costs and repairs. My time and money are limited.

Again, I think the way it was gone about was terribly gauche and rude - sounds as if the parents made the offer without thinking it through. But perhaps on discussing internally within the family, concerns arose and it was decided to send the other family to watch over the OP's. Still rude but there may be a motivation deeper than "we want an Easter holiday too!!" Again, the whole scenario would just make me cancel. How great can the house and location be, to risk so much awkwardness? I'd rather fork over for a hotel.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 02/02/2016 15:13

You know it really won't be a power play by the friends.

It will be that the parents offered it to the OP's family and then the friends (not aware the house had been offered out) asked if they could use the house over easter, and the parents said yes automatically because it isn't let out.

Then at some point they wrote it into the letting diary, or it cropped up in conversation and they realised they'd "double booked" the property, but in both cases to friends or family for free, and as you are each others' friends the parents didn't really see a problem and just told their kids you'd be there too, but that would be fine as you were having a freebie so you wouldn't mind...

My mother has done this with the little granny flat attached to her house more than once, but its a little more awkward as the flat is a small 2 bed, and she has offered it to 2 families both with more than one child... she never says its happened until its really too late as people have booked leave and paid for train tickets or flights and made various other arrangements in connection with the trip, because she thinks that as its free accommodation nobody will mind...

Twinklestein · 02/02/2016 15:29

Oh for goodness sake they're not trying to 'watch over' the OP.

I reckon the parents offered it without consulting their children and the OP's friend wanted it for that week. It's a bit cheeky to announce rather than ask, but they may have no idea how much difficulty some people have socialising.

LeaLeander · 02/02/2016 15:38

Not wanting to share a bathroom or sleep in close quarters with another family on one's vacation hardly equates to "difficulty socializing."

It's quite possible to be gregarious and people-loving while still valuing one's privacy. We aren't all the hostel type.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 02/02/2016 15:41

Exactly Twinklestein

It is really unlikely the children wanted to crash the OP's holiday, more likely that they believed the house was going to be free and had also planned to use it, or had in fact already asked to use it but the parents had forgotten until reminded after offering it to OP... or whatever.

Probably totally calculated and no agenda except to look generous and an assumption that people wouldn't have a problem sharing as the accommodation is free (an assumption that is a little lacking in empathy or imagination, but not part of some kind of power game or spying mission nor anything to do with specifically wanting to holiday with the OP...)