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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends Crashing Our Holiday (sort of)

347 replies

PinkFairy22 · 01/02/2016 12:55

DH has done some work for our friend's parents. The work went well, the parents were very happy (and paid for it, in case that's relevant.).

The parents have a large holiday house in Cornwall which they often rent out and, as a thank you, have offered it to us - free- for a week over Easter. Totally unexpected and very kind of them.

We've confirmed the dates and arranged travel, car hire etc. Got a text last night from my friend saying "surprise, we're coming too". There's plenty of room in the house, so it's not going to be a space issue.

I'm really gutted, as I was really looking forward to a family break. We get on well with these friends, but have never been away with them - or even contemplated it tbh. Our kids get on ok but not brilliantly.

AIBU to feel so gutted?

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/02/2016 18:24

YANBU to be disappointed but you were paid so this was a bonus. I think from the directness of the text your friend knows exactly what she's doing so no point double-checking with her parents.

Admittedly Easter is a popular time for a break so I guess she might have been looking forward to a Cornish trip for some while.

If you can't cancel or change car hire + travel arrangements without losing money I would probably risk going but if you or DH prefer a holiday on your own then it has to be a Sorry something's come up graceful decline.

Twinklestein · 01/02/2016 18:25

What the OP actually said was that she was gutted that it's not just her family, which is understandable, and that while she gets on well with these people, she's not contemplated going on holiday with them.

I don't think it's cut and dried that she won't go, or that if she does she wouldn't enjoy it. That's why people are giving her some encouragement.

rookiemere · 01/02/2016 18:27

I think honesty is the only way.

Also no harm in saying to friend when doing the whole we just wanted time to ourselves, so it's a lovely offer , enjoy your week and we'll cancel our car hire and bow out.That may prompt them to say go on your own.

Doesn't really matter how big the house is, unless it has two front doors, two kitchens and two living rooms, then it's a shared holiday. All the shared holidays I've had the kitchen is what causes issues. Who empties the dishwasher, how you split grocery costs, why do some entitled alleged adults seem to think that anyone middle aged with a vagina enjoys doing all cooking and tidying away on their holiday (yes I'm looking at you DNephew). In some cases they aren't major issues and can be overcome, but only really if you want to go away on a shared holiday.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 01/02/2016 18:30

That may prompt them to say go on your own.

Not they are also looking forward to the holiday they won't

Aramynta · 01/02/2016 18:33

OP, I think Rhi's response has it spot on. Having been on holiday with friends before and been completely stung financially because of their apparent "mates rates" apartment deal I would not recommend it if you anticipate it being strained.

Jackie0 · 01/02/2016 19:22

Being honest with the other family won't be rude.
Just say you holiday alone as a family but thanks for the offer.
The house owners kids are being presumptuous.

DartmoorDoughnut · 01/02/2016 19:31

YANBU, they will rule the roost - not in a nasty way but it's their home they'll be comfortable - and you'll spend your time saying "do you mind if" etc etc

eddielizzard · 01/02/2016 19:57

who knows what went on behind the scenes? most likely friends wanted to go that particular week, checked with parents who said pink is already going, friends decided they'd go too, after all they have more 'right' to it, being their parents' house.

i personally wouldn't go. i'd try and find other accommodation so that the car hire isn't wasted. have a look on air bnb. there are some great places.

the parents might feel a tiny bit bad and offer you a different week although just as likely not.

not something i'd have done either as a friend or as someone offering the use of the house.

LyndaNotLinda · 01/02/2016 19:58

I only mentioned that I enjoy going on holiday with friends as a counterpoint to the 'god how awful, can't imagine anything worse' comments. The OP hasn't said she hates the idea of going on holiday with friends in any event - just not these particular friends and it's not the holiday she planned on having.

I worry that it might be hard to cancel if everything's booked and paid for - can you get refunds for trains/flights?

Incidentally, I don't blame you for being gutted at all - instead of happy looking forward to your holiday, you've now got a tricky situation to negotiate. :(

pictish · 01/02/2016 20:08

Twinklestein yes it's a big fucking deal.

BreakfastLunchPasta · 01/02/2016 20:09

YANBU. It's just a completely different concept from the original plan of having the place to yourselves. The fact that the decision appears to have been made with out even consulting you makes it a little worse.
Personally I hate it when I've made plans and then they get modified beyond recognition without my input.
This is why I'm much more comfortable completely paying my own way, it's far less complicated that way. Nothing is ever really free - it's not such a great gift if it comes with previously undisclosed conditions - such as sharing with another family.

I think in your shoes I'd be a bit put out but try to make it work for part of the week, and make alternative (and independent!) plans for the remainder (money permitting).

carabos · 01/02/2016 20:16

I think that the friends had no idea any of this had happened until the owners mentioned it to them en passant, which gave the friends the idea to come too. I think it just hasn't occurred to the friends that a shared holiday might not be everyone's idea of fun and I'll bet that's because they're used to taking hols in their Cornwall home with loads of other people.

The only options are to suck it up or cancel on spurious grounds. My jaw would hit the floor if someone to whom I had offered my holiday home FOC came back and pretty much said they wouldn't take it if my own children (their friends) were going to be there at the same time.

Very tricky situation. YANBU to be disappointed.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 01/02/2016 20:24

I would be really interested to know how the conversation went between the parents and their family.

In your shoes, op, I would reply to both at the same time saying "Oh so sorry, I misunderstood and thought the house was free for us to have to ourselves. We will leave it for you to have friends name in that case, many thanks to friends parents names for the very kind thought."

I would only go on holiday with other people in extreme circumstances such as being emotionally blackmailed into it by mil . Cannot see the appeal at all (and I am a reasonably sociable extrovert before anyone asks).

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 01/02/2016 20:24

How big exactly is the house? If it is a fairly spacious 4 bed house then what I'd do is very different to a 27 bedroomed mansion with 3 (lockable) wings, 4 stair cases and 6 bathrooms.

Personally I'd think about cutting it down to a long weekend.

Twinklestein · 01/02/2016 20:39

Twinklestein yes it's a big fucking deal

I'll tell you what's a big fucking deal: being leant a large house at the owner's expense. They pick up the bill for the heating and other utilities, they pay for the cleaning, and there's always wear and tear when you have children in a house, and the potential for things to get lost/broken.

I'm sorry it didn't turn out to be the unmitigated boon it was originally, but the amount of whining on here is staggering.

It's just a fucking holiday it's not a world war.

(This is not directed at you OP, you seem perfectly sensible).

Original poster
PinkFairy22 · 01/02/2016 20:42

Have been offline since this afternoon and am Shock at the number of replies - thanks all. It's so awkward and I just feel really disappointed. I totally get that it's the parents home and they can do whatever they like.
I realise that there's probably lots of other stuff going on. Maybe the friends ARE pissed off that we were offered the house etc.
Btw the house is 4beds, so enough room for all of us plus kids. From what I understand, they don't rent it out often.
DH is away til tomorrow so will talk to him properly then and decide what to do. Reckon we will probably just suck it up and plan some family days out. Not quite what I'd imagined but hey. The parents are such lovely people that I don't want to offend them in any way. Urgh.

OP posts:
seafoodeatit · 01/02/2016 20:44

I think it's very poor taste of them to decide to just come along when you're not very close. I would be saying thanks but no thanks personally and booking somewhere nearby/that doesn't conflict with your booked activities.

Mouthfulofquiz · 01/02/2016 20:48

I want to know what the outcome is!!!

I would be annoyed - only because I don't really like holidaying with friends!! (Anti-social). However I would probably suck it up and end up having a nice time.

toastyarmadillo · 01/02/2016 20:51

Marking my spot, desperate to find out what op does!

RakeMeHomeCountryToads · 01/02/2016 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AssembleTheMinions · 01/02/2016 20:59

I completely understand how miffed you must feel, but I'm aghast at some of these suggested replies. Anything other than ''thank you very much for the kind offer but I'm afraid something has come up and we won't be able to make it after all'' would be spectacularly rude.

Honestly, saying you have invited other family or saying that you didn't realise that you would t have sole use is jaw dropping.

PersephonePitstop · 01/02/2016 21:01

YANBU to be disappointed that it's not going to be what you had planned. I think you're wise not to rush into a decision.

BerylStreep · 01/02/2016 21:04

Say you are swingers?

Or say 'great, but just to warn you DH sleepwalks and sometimes ends up in the wrong bed'

Or say 'great, but to warn them you are TTC so hope they won't mind the constant banging, ha ha.'

Or you might end up having a great time if you just go with the flow.

MrsJorahMormont · 01/02/2016 21:09

I actually think the friends are being really out of order. Unfortunately they are probably used to getting to use the house whenever it's free, especially if the house is rarely let. It's really inconsiderate of them to just invite themselves along but unfortunately when you're not paying it's much harder to put your foot down. I would be itching to tell them that you just want family alone time but I think it's going to be impossible not to offend them or piss them off because it will be clear they are basically forcing themselves on you. How close are they as friends?

Bedsheets4knickers · 01/02/2016 21:12

I have a friend who does things like this . It's annoying but I would go and make the best of it . It might be a laugh . Easter is early this year weather might not be brilliant . U might be glad of the company for the kids