Friends Crashing Our Holiday (sort of)

[PinkFairy22]

DH has done some work for our friend's parents. The work went well, the parents were very happy (and paid for it, in case that's relevant.).

The parents have a large holiday house in Cornwall which they often rent out and, as a thank you, have offered it to us - free- for a week over Easter. Totally unexpected and very kind of them.

We've confirmed the dates and arranged travel, car hire etc. Got a text last night from my friend saying "surprise, we're coming too". There's plenty of room in the house, so it's not going to be a space issue.

I'm really gutted, as I was really looking forward to a family break. We get on well with these friends, but have never been away with them - or even contemplated it tbh. Our kids get on ok but not brilliantly.

AIBU to feel so gutted?

I don't think that a 4-bedroom house has plenty of room for two families really. I think it has just enough room for two families who are comfortable in close proximity, but you don't know yet whether you will be comfortable in close proximity with the other family. You don't know whether they are early risers or have their DC still shrieking at 11pm. You don't know whether they wash up the second the last bite has been eaten or leave all the dishes for the dish fairy.

I may be projecting a little as my DS is tricky and needs space, careful handling and picking my battles. I'm pretty sure that any family that we shared a house with would be giving me irritating hints on how to improve my parenting (based on their experience of their DC) within the first 24 hours. And that I would be packing up the car and children by the 25th hour to avoid a long prison sentence for murder.

Could the other families kids think you're better friends than you are?

Could they be overly friendly? Some people just are.

I wouldn't mind it myself tho I would be feeling disappointed but Dp would hate it and definitely wouldn't go. He wants to stop going to our local on a Saturday because a couple have the audacity to come over and talk to us.

Could your DC benefit from a growing friendship with theirs?

I'd say rhis response is perfect otherwise you have to back out. It's too cheeky to ask them to cancel so you can have a free holiday in 'their' house.

How many bathrooms are there? Is there any privacy? Do you really want to be nipping out of the shower area in a towel as the friend's husband is waiting in the hall for his turn in the tub? Or forced to re-dress in a damp bathroom to preserve modesty/privacy? Ugh.

say "Oh, this is awkward. DH and I are having some major marital difficulties, and we were hoping this week away would give us time and space to resolve them. "

Then see what she says. If she is a decent friend, she will bow out, if she poo-poohs it, then you can bail.

Any further questions can be countered with "I dont want to talk about it" or "Its really private, I cant discuss it".

This is a difficult situation and I completely understand why you feel gutted. But I really don't think you can say anything: either you go and make the best of it, or you bow out gracefully. Grace is all.

I suspect the friends thought they'd get to go this easter. Or maybe they weren't planning to go and the parents offered it to you and then they changed their minds and realised they could com along. They probably feel entitled to the house. Maybe they are really annoyed with their parents of remaking the offer before checking with you?

Who knows.

But I recently stayed with friends in their house and their aunt came back earlier than expected and even though we'd arranged for me to be in her room it was clear that she wanted her room back and felt we shouldn't be there, and I had to suck it up. Packed my bags up early and made space for her and left a day early. I didn't like it, but I sort of understand it.

We also rented and paid for a house from another friends parents, and then my friend asked if she could come along with her husband and daughter and I felt obliged to say yes even though I didn't want to say yes (to make up for the times I had stayed with her - in her also Cornish home - for free).

That's just the way it goes.

I expect the friends know very well what they are doing, but they want their holiday too and they are claiming their rights. DOn't put the parents in the middle. They won't want the flack. And I really very much doubt they are going to tell their children and grandchildren not to go.

Only 4 bedrooms for 2 families? I'd bow out gracefully. Have you answered your friend's text?

Ugh I'd hate this. Not my idea of a holiday at all. I'd have to find a way out of it or change the dates somehow.

Not a lot you can do now. It's not your house. However I would plan some activities and meals out, etc now and not mention them until the time with an 'oh I'm sorry, we wanted a day together just the 4 of us as a treat...'

I think I would just say something had come up workwise and we couldn't go anymore and thank them for the very kind offer. You will probably only lose the deposit on the carhire. A week sharing a 4 bed house with another family I had not chosen to holiday with would not be fun and relaxing for me.

But it may turn out to be fun if you give it a go. You could always go and if it turns out to be bad something to do with your DH's business could come up as he is self employed and you could leave.

"Honestly, saying you have invited other family or saying that you didn't realise that you would t have sole use is jaw dropping."

Disagree that to say you didn't realise you wouldn't have sole use is "jaw dropping". It is the truth. It isn't rude or entitled or grabby or socially awkward of anything like that either. It is what it is. I think op could say so without coming across as anything other than the reasonable, polite person she quite clearly is.

I'm not normally a holiday with friends kind of person but in a situation like this I would just accept it and make the best of it. Key for me would be to spend some time doing things together but mostly doing things during the day apart. Try to think of the bonus', you could each baby sit for one evening so the adult couples can go out for a nice dinner date. The kids will entertain each other. And beyond that, if it's not working, plan very busy days and use the house as a place to rest your heads.

I honestly think turning it down now you know their children are coming will look a bit rude and appear as though you don't really like the family.

I would go and make the best of it! Enjoy some time away, yep it's not what you planned but sometimes the spontaneous changes to plans make the best adventures

tell you what, fairy, I'd really consider getting this thread pulled- or moved to OTBT

if friend is a mumsnetter and stumbles on it, it'll be a diSASter

...not because of anything you've said, but some of the comments on here are quite nasty

(I'm possibly a bit overtwitchy about this because I had a thread on here years ago that got tangled up with RL-really Not Fun)

I would run a mile from this. I agree you can't somehow try to override that the friends are now going to the house but there are polite and nuanced ways of withdrawing that will preserve the relationship without actually being forced to share a small-ish house with another family while on "holiday". (4 beds is not large enough for two completely different families to stay out of each others' hair).

It doesn't matter how this happened, you don't need to know, you probably never will know. Just get out of it very graciously and plan some lovely days out near home. Or, if it's raining, lie on the carpet in your PJs playing lego and eating creme eggs.

Doesn't sound like much fun. I'd send Rhis message I think

I had a thing a bit like this (but not....) I was lucky enough to be offered a lovely little cottage in a very pretty, quiet place, over a holiday period; dp and I didn't have children at the time but I was pregnant (and hormonal). We gratefully accepted and I was looking forward to it very much (getting away from it all, last chance before baby, etc)

Nearer the time, another family member thought they would quite like to go over the same period and when told it was booked, contacted me to see "if we could both have a turn". I'm afraid, as nicely as I could, I just said no. It was too far to travel for a couple of days, too small to share, and if I hadn't thought I was going there I would have done my damndest to book somewhere else. I got quite upset about it though, until it dawned on me that it was unreasonable (I think) of the other person to ask when it was officially booked up. But I felt almost... threatened, encroached upon, as I tried to work it out.

Anyway this is different because they are part of the family that own the cottage and you aren't. I think it's mean to imply you're getting something that you're not (though certainly not intentionally). But they won't see it that way, you can never in a million years do anything about it, but you CAN decide who you're going on holiday with... even if you're not going there.

I think you need to think of this in a different way.

If the friends had invited you to join them for a week's holiday, no rent, in their parents' house in Cornwall, would you have not been pleased and accepted?

Look on it more positively, you will probably all have a good time together.

There's a lot of negativity on this thread. I expect the friends expected to use the house at Easter anyway.

say to friend you have never been on holiday with friends before

tbh i think your friend is a bit cheeky to barge on your holiday

but

its not the end of the world, you may have fun, you can go out alone with each other while they bs your kids and vice versia

kids may all get on in different surroundings/beach etc

what age are they all?

"If the friends had invited you to join them for a week's holiday, no rent, in their parents' house in Cornwall, would you have not been pleased and accepted?"

no no no no no NO! this is a classic extrovert's "everyone is like me" mistake.

NO.

I might have been flattered and touched that someone had offered to share their holiday with me, but I would never have actually wanted to go for heaven's sake.

Offered this choice:

Would you rather go somewhere expensive, interesting, and lovely, with some people you don't know very well, sharing a small-ish house and eating all meals together and managing the children's and men's communications by default on all practical matters for a WEEK;

or

Would you rather stay in your boring old home with your nearest and dearest and do normal ordinary things?

I'd pick the latter. Sorry, tragic but true.

If it was:

Would you go alone to somewhere amazing and interesting with very basic accommodation / food and no spending money?

I'd be happy with that.

Answer the text with, "Oh, fantastic. We always holiday nude. Hope you are into that."

My best and worst family holidays have been in a villa with friends. When it works, its great - really fun and much better than just on our own.

However, when it doesn't, it can degenerate into privately moaning to each other, a few snappy comments, followed by tons of bad feeling and you start working out how soon you can leave. Then its just awkward for ages / forever.

A good safety valve is to plan days out on your own right from the start, long before there is any tension. And don't plan big communal breakfasts together - because otherwise you feel obliged to wait with each other and spend the day together. If its going well, its easy to invite them along but its really hard to rescind the invitation if things aren't so good.

I'm not an extrovert. Far from it. But I am quite old (early '50s).

And one of the best lessons in life I have learned is that actually most things aren't as bad as you anticipate - and trying new things with new people can often be a lot more fun than you expect.

"Not as bad as you anticipated " is hardly a ringing endorsement especially for people who are not the group/joiner type.

I would hate to expend money, effort and precious annual leave time on a less than ideal week fraught with potential for many awkward moments. In the OP's situation I would use a work-related excuse to withdraw.

But Grumpy, it's not a case of "you have to do this, so try to look on the bright side." It's a case of "here's a chance to go on holiday with people you don't want to go on holiday with. Yes, or no?"

"not as bad as you anticipate" is what happens when you're volunteering, end up sharing with someone with bad BO, be really gracious and welcoming to them while cringeing inside, and find out they're really lovely and such a good laugh.

It's hardly a reason to do something that doesn't actually benefit anyone at all.

I'd be extremely disappointed. I don't enjoy holidaying with other families.

But you CANNOT look a gift horse in the mouth. It's incredibly rude. This is a bonus given out of kindness. It's not perfect, but either accept and go graciously, or decline graciously....don't try to renegotiate the terms of someone else's gift!