Friends Crashing Our Holiday (sort of)

[PinkFairy22]

DH has done some work for our friend's parents. The work went well, the parents were very happy (and paid for it, in case that's relevant.).

The parents have a large holiday house in Cornwall which they often rent out and, as a thank you, have offered it to us - free- for a week over Easter. Totally unexpected and very kind of them.

We've confirmed the dates and arranged travel, car hire etc. Got a text last night from my friend saying "surprise, we're coming too". There's plenty of room in the house, so it's not going to be a space issue.

I'm really gutted, as I was really looking forward to a family break. We get on well with these friends, but have never been away with them - or even contemplated it tbh. Our kids get on ok but not brilliantly.

AIBU to feel so gutted?

If the friends had invited you to join them for a week's holiday, no rent, in their parents' house in Cornwall, would you have not been pleased and accepted?

Yuck, I can't think of anything worse than vacationing with another family. The only time I'm willing to share is when we go away for competitions for my sport, and even then it is only a weekend and only one older couple who are my son's godparents. For my FAMILY vacation, then that's who I want to be there, not some other family.

This is the problem with holiday houses. As soon as you have one, people think they've got some sort of entitlement to use it. This is why no one knows I own mine, they think I just book the same place each holiday, and they think it's tiny and only two bedrooms, not the four it actually is so that I have a good excuse if anyone tries to muscle in on my holiday and can tell them to book somewhere else. Generally once I say there is no room and they will have to pay for accommodation elsewhere, they're suddenly no longer interested in going to that place for their holiday.

Good for you, Midnight. Totally understand.

Do some research into naturist beaches and activities in the week you are there, and send your friend links inviting them...

Hmm, on second thoughts - don't. They might accept...

I'm kind of the anti-midnite in that we almost always vacation with other families- hire a massive catered villa, the 6-8 kids have a blast and we all get a lot more down time as a result. However, at the same time, there are people I am good friends with who I would never consider going on holiday with because it doesn't work if you don't have broadly the same parenting style, aren't happy to accept an in loco parentis approach, and have different attitudes to money, trips etc. Therefore, group holidays can be awesome or awful. You need to know the other people really well.

I also wouldnt be happy with the inequitable stakes in this situation- i.e. feeling obliged to give them the better bedrooms etc.

Regarding this case, I would certainly have not done this. When I say to someone they can use our house, it's theirs on an exclusive basis, unless I made it clear at the time it was arranged (e.g. you can use it but my parents will have to stay there one night on their way to x - is that ok?). However, not everyone feels the same and some people who are more accommodating than me would probably not see the issue.

That said, trying to persuade the owners to retract the offer to their kids is not on, so your options are don't go or accept the new terms. I would probably not go. I understand why you're disappointed though.

Can you afford to pay for extra time there? Say if they have offered you a week, you book and pay for an extra one?

Then you would hope they wouldn't crash the paid for week!!

Following KeyserSophie's post, which is spot on BTW, I wouldn't go either. I'd make an excuse and say you just can't do it.

It doesn't matter how many others love holidays with friends, you don't, and people who know you should know that you aren't the sort of people to do this. If they have't noticed that plus they invited themselves along without asking if it would be ok, then they are inconsiderate and you really don't want to waste your annual leave on a holiday with them.

If, when you cancel, you get offered another time - Summer say - choose dates when you know your friends are not able to go.

However, if you do go, then create escape valves for yourselves by making plans that assume you'll be on your own each day.

Actually, I know what your text reply should be!
"That's great! Are you sure you don't mind though? It seems a lot to ask with all the cooking etc? I few nights out on our own though will be much appreciated. Thank you! xxx"

In answer to the OP I don't think YABU to feel so gutted. I don't think it will necessarily be as bad as you think. You've hired a car so you will be independent - were you planning lots of days out or had you just planned to stay in the house? If it's the former then them being there won't make that much difference - use the house as a base and go out for the day as a family. You could take it in turns to babysit in the evenings so you can go out for a meal. It won't be exactly the holiday you thought you were getting, but it might still be fun. Otherwise pull out gracefully - if you can't get a refund on your travel and car hire maybe book somewhere else. Or stay home and take the hit. The people whose house it is obviously don't think it's a big deal that their family are now going too and your friends sound like they are looking forward to it. The problem with freebies is they rarely come without some strings (whether they are intended as strings or not) - you cannot dictate the terms.

Yeah I have to say a holiday of this kind would not be a holiday for me. You either plan to be out all of the time and if the family turn out to be the type you want to spend time with then great, or you back out now. It is difficult, but I suspect the PIL are not thinking it through properly.

I would be a bit pissed off. Yes it may be their parents house but it was offered to the OP and her family.

I think the friend was being rude and cheeky inviting themselves along. I would either cancel and tell the parents it is because you want a family holiday or i would go and book a lot of activities for your family.

I don't think a four bed house is very big to host two families. I live in a 4 bed now and at times I find it hard to get away from my own kids!

I would not go. Easter is not re-nouned for nice weather and so your day's out could work out rather expensive. Also if there is not much to do in the area, your friends might tag along too.

Also, if you are disappointed now that will probably build into resentment and so by April you might be so pee'd off that they will irritate you on sight.

'If the friends had invited you to join them for a week's holiday, no rent, in their parents' house in Cornwall, would you have not been pleased and accepted?'

No. I'm old, too. And one thing I've learned is that life is too short to do some thing when you just have a gut feeling it will be shit.

There's really no point telling the OP to suck it up and she'll have a wonderful time. I think the OP knows herself well enough to know this type of holiday is not for her.

The 'surprise....we're coming and you have no say!' element of that text would massively piss me off. First of all, if you're really insisting on being rude and crashing someone else's holiday have the decency to call, not text -shitty arse. Secondly, if you really have to crash someone else's holiday don't say 'surprise' like the other person has no choice, you'll sound like an obnoxious wanker.

Seriously OP, this would annoy me that much that I wouldn't even bother trying to think of a polite way to decline the (not so good) offer - they're being rude. If the other suggestions of parents double booking and forgetting are true there are better ways to handle the situation than how your friend has.

I assume they've stayed there previously, yet didn't invite you? So, you're only close enough to go on holiday together when they want to gate-crash yours?

If you really feel like you can't decline without an excuse you could just say you weren't even planning on taking the kids and were gonna go for a shag-fest with your husband so you'll pass.

Some people though

Not but that might get the friend in the shit with her parents, and then the friend will be really pissed off. I imagine the conversation went something like this

Friend: "Mum, can we use the house at Easter?"
Mum "Sorry darling, I've already promised it to Pink"
Friend: "Pink, as in my friend Pink?"
Mum: "Yes"
Friend: "Oh, well then we can all go. I'll talk to her. There's room and It'll be fun"
Mum: Ok, well yes, so long as she's ok with it...."

If Pink now call's the mum, the mum (if she's anything like me) will call her daughter (Pink's friend) and read her the riot act.

Feel a bit better after sleeping on it (not massively though). Had a quick chat with DH this morning. I think we'll do a long weekend instead, a couple of days out, suggest we babysit for each other a couple of evenings. Will try and make the best of it, but not use as much annual leave.

I didn't think this would generate so much comment, but thanks. I'm glad I'm not BU, just was very disappointed.

Will NEVER accept anything like this again!

Anyway, we'll decide this evening and will update you!

Oh and a couple of you asked how well we know them.
Our eldest kids used to go to the same school, but then they moved away. We seem them occasionally, but not as much as before. They came over for lunch just before Christmas and we're going to theirs in a couple of weeks).

It's always the extrovert posters who can't fathom people feeling differently to them about socialising.

OP, think you've responded very sensibly and I hope you end up enjoying it.

That sounds like a great compromise. I hope that you end up really enjoying your break. Xx

I still remember with horror the long weekend we spent sharing a large house with a couple of other families. One of the other wives was a total control freak, the other was terminally lazy and her sole contribution to buying food for the weekend was one packet of 8 sausages to be shared amongst 6 adults and 5 children. Control freak wife spent the entire weekend bitching about lazy wife and making it very clear that she felt everything had to be done according to her views. Because she sent her children to bed insanely early she disapproved strongly of the fact that we didn't. At the time DS, who was 2 at the time, was quite clingy and couldn't get to sleep without me staying with him. I tried to persuade him he would be fine with his sister, but in a strange bed he was understandably so miserable that I stayed with him, in the teeth of control freak wife practically ordering me to to leave him alone. The final straw was when I caught her interrogating my children about whether they'd cleaned their teeth.

Never again.

Sounds OK, OP. You never know, you might all end up really enjoying yourselves!

Veritat, what jumps out at me from your post is the absence of the husbands...

Good compromise OP You might actually enjoy it! I was in a similar position years ago with a relative and their family ... Dreaded the holiday, felt really pressured and nervous at being stuck in the wilderness with rain, whingey kids and forceful personalities ... It turned out to be an absolute blast and we've done it yearly ever since - so you never know!

Kaki - no one has said that. No one - even if they go on holiday with friends all the time and are the life and soul of the party - has said the OP is going to have a marvellous time, despite her misgivings. I think it's pretty much a unanimous YANBU.

I think that sounds like a good compromise Pink. I hope it's actually a lot more fun (or at least tolerable) than you anticipate :)

Pink, as a veteran of lots of shared holidays with and without DC, do make some plans for what you want to do for your own family. Staying in the same place doesn't mean you are joined at the hip. The poster who said don't have breakfast together is wise, a lot of time can be wasted waiting for others to get organised in the morning.

If you decide to go on this break, have a meeting with the other adults so that you can each put forward your ideas about how you think it will pan out, what you could do together and what you would prefer to do as just your family. Talk about meals, what food you will take and how you will manage shopping, meal prep and cooking, and any takeaways or meals out.

It might be that they would like times on their own, or not join you to certain places or attractions because they've been loads of times before.

If it gets too much you can always resort to an excuse to leave early.