Best friend is arranging Hen Party on my dead brother's birthday

[Smiliestar87]

So I will try to explain this as clearly as possible….apologises if I ramble but I am really upset about this and need some advise about what to next.

My best girlfriend of almost 10 years is getting married in September - very exciting news!

I am a massive tomboy and she is without the closest female friend I have ever had. We met on the first day of college and just hit it off straight away. We have been backpacking together just the two of us and when there is significant drama in my life she is the one I call.

Unlike me she has lots of girlie mates and has asked one of her ex-housemates to be her bridesmaid, who I am also mates with but just not as close.

Now I am a very busy person. I am a trainee surgeon and work normally at least 1 weekend per month and do weird shift patterns due to night work etc. In addition to that I have to attend loads of courses and training outside of my work hours meaning I am often busy when my mates organise socials with little notice.

During medical school my brother died suddenly. My best friend was one of the main reasons (alongside my boyfriend) that I was able to complete my medical degree and qualify as a doctor. She really has been there for me.

Now the issue I need help with……

Bride texts me asking if I am free on a particular weekend in July. It's my brother's birthday and I have been suffering with depression over the last six months which I have kept secret from everyone except my boyfriend. I panicked and said it was only a maybe because of work. I didn't want to stress her out as I know how stressful wedding planning can be.

Over the next 72hrs I realised that I needed to tell her the truth - that it was because of my brother and no other reason.

I don't know what I was expecting but she basically replied…...
"oh well there will be other nights out"

I also contacted bridesmaid to double check if this was the date she had allocated and explained why I couldn't come. She said she knew my brothers birthday was around that time but that the date was fixed and as my availability is so poor she can't change it.

I literally feel heartbroken. I have been crying daily since this happened on Tuesday. I just feel absolutely shattered.

I don't know what to do. should I speak to the bride again?? Should I leave it??

Any advice would be amazing :)

I am sorry for your loss. . Thing is, there's no way for anyone to be able to say that "the world does keep turning" without it coming across as insensitive. But the reality is that the world does keep turning, and events and life will go on happening on dates which are important to people who will remember those whose life has ended.

And it is ok to celebrate something on the birthday of your brother who is no longer here, and if you don't feel you can, then that's ok too, but very gently, the rest of the world can't be expected to plan around your need to take space away from life on certain dates.

I really would suggest thaT you go back to your GP and seek a referral for some bereavement counselling to help you to move forward.

Remember, moving forward doesn't equals having to get over your loss, it means finding a way to move forward with your own life, because you do still have your own life to live. :-).

I would talk to the bride and say you don't think you'd be able to cope with it, but would like to do something with her to celebrate her forthcoming marriage, could you offer to take her out for a spa day or afternoon tea somewhere fancy (outside your comfort zone maybe, but clearly for her, not you!) the weekend before? Invite bridesmaid or her mum possibly. (And if you can pay for you both).

She might have good reasons for picking that date, this way you don't feel pressured to go but still have acknowledged her hen.

I'm sorry for the sad loss of your brother, I hope you are getting the help you need with your depression.

If you can't make this hen do, why don't you suggest a date that is suitable and get together with the bride for a few drinks or nice meal.

Her wedding is about her, and the hen do date obviously fits in with other arrangements.

I agree you need to seek more help - have you had grief counselling?

In also wondering if your friend is feeling the strain of supporting you / your friendship. Are you "there" for her when she needs you??

Everyone in the hen group will have dates that are important or special to them. It's not feasible to navigate and accommodate them all.

Arrange something just for the two of you - spa day, lunch, theatre.

The bride isn't BU in picking that date (if she has to pick a date which isn't significant to her and two or three other closest friends: anniversaries of deaths / miscarriages / should-have-been-due-dates / birthdays, nothing would ever get done) - and neither are you BU for not wanting to go. Wish her a fun weekend, send her a bottle of bubbly, and then take time to grieve on your own.

"I guess the thing I struggling to wrap my head round is that I could never do this to her. If her brother/sister/parent died and I accidentally arranged a once-in-a-lifetime event like my hen on an emotional date - I would change it. It just wouldn't be my hen without her.

When we were 18 we used to joke about who would be forced to wear the worst outfit or getting married first. I know it is technically only a hen do but I have been really really looking forward to this for years"

I think you may be setting more store by the hen do than your friend does. Lots of women dread the idea of a big hen do. The fact that she is only clubbing for the evening - basically just a normal night out- suggests she might be one of them. So she doesn't see it as a big deal that you don't want to come (very understandably) because the whole evening is not a big deal to her.

Why don't you arrange to do something you will both enjoy on another day?

Honey, listen to me: the problem isn't the date she chose. In a way, it might be a blessing in disguise. The problem is you're suffering badly and you need some help, someone to cut you some slack and some professional help.
I know just how relentless and frankly superhuman your efforts must be just to get through the surgical training. That, combined with being far away from home, going through the horrendous trauma of losing your brother would see anybody knocked to 6.
Ask for help my darling, please.

*for

Sorry for your loss

Cruse are amazing at support/counselling after bereavement.

Firstly, well done to you for keeping going with your training despite the loss you have suffered.

When I organised my hen do I was given dates of summer holidays already booked, I had dates I couldn't do due to wedding things so I just had to give everyone a date.

It's likely she knew clubbing would be hard and when you said about not going she didn't make it into a big deal on purpose so as to but put you under any pressure to attend. At the start of this post I thought you were going to say she was trying to persuade you to go but she has respected your decision.

Do as others have suggested and organise a lunch or other activity you'd both like. It must be so incredibly hard for you but she is entitled to enjoy her hen do.

Also, you don't say anything about her making a fuss about you potentially not going to the wedding. She sounds like a great friend.

Look after yourself and try not to dwell on this xx

I think the bride is probably upset you can't make it but playing it down because she knows how difficult the day will be for you.

I agree - spa trip/meal/whatever for just the two of you on a different date.

My dd lost her best friend 4 years ago, they were 17, so I understand why your friend booking this for your brothers birthday would cause you so much upset.

I think the bride is being rather offhand about it. If she knows the date she should have had a chat with you and explained why there were no other choices. She hasn't treated you like a close friend at all.

Is there any way you can meet her and just chat about it, tell her why you can't go and that you are really upset about missing it?

In the nicest possible way, YABU. This is her hen night and there might be a whole host of reasons why she needs it to be that specific night. YANBU to decline though, and suggest something else the two of you can do. Expecting her to change it is a little self centred, but depression can do that to you.

Whatever you do, don't force yourself to go out of a misguided sense of obligation. It's likely to end in upset and that would be rubbish for both you and your friend.

Also, and I'm trying to say this as sensitively as I can, but it's possible that your friend, while wanting to support you as much as she possibly can, would like her wedding preparation to be a happy time, and not tinged with loss or sadness. I suspect that's why she hasn't engaged with you on this subject. My FIL passed away 2 years before our wedding, and my DH wanted to keep the two things very separate in his head, so he could just be happy about planning his wedding. His mum made that hard by getting upset at every wedding related thing we did. We completely understood why but DH stopped asking her to come along in the end, so he could just be allowed to escape it for a while.

I hope you're still getting help for your depression. I've been there myself, i know how debilitating it can be.

Sounds like they knew you would find a clubbing night difficult anyway. Why don't you suggest going for an afternoon tea or spa or something at another time instead and leave them to the clubbing.

My dad passed away two days before my birthday seven years ago. I don't like doing much on that day but if I was invited to a hen party I would go, you don't have to stay for long or even drink.
I personally wouldn't change my hen night date

I think you leave it. With all due respect to the terrible time you are having and the stress you are under, you cannot hijack this important event in your friends life and make it about your sadness at missing it/your brother. By your own admission she has been a huge support, unflinching and unfailing in the time since your bereavement - she is allowed to have this event be just about her joy and not your sadness. I agree that the best outcome is you supporting her, showing an interest for her sake even if you can't make it and arranging some time with her as a 'mini hen'

I can only echo the others. I can understand why you feel as you do, but your friend isn't obliged to arrange her hen night around your brother's birthday. It would be unreasonable of you to expect her to.

You can decline the invite...I'm sure she'll be understanding as to why.
I'm very sorry about your brother. Lots of love. xxx

Having lost close family members, I understand the pain, and indeed the pain you feel when others don't seem to "get" it.

But... I echo all the other posters who are saying that it is your pain, and you have to internalise that to a certain extent.

Bil's df died on Christmas Eve, but from that moment on he would not celebrate Christmas , even with his own dcs. He truly believed that everyone else was crap for not respecting this, whereas as the years (decades) rolled by, it was just, frankly, idiotic. Dm was devastated by the death of my father. She took it as a personal insult if people forgot various anniversaries.

I actually didn't much like it when people remembered anniversary of family's deaths. I didn't and don't want to remember their deaths at all. Of course I think about my parents (and dsis) all the time, but frankly I refuse to give brain space to the date of their deaths.

Gosh, sorry, I've warbled on and now I see it's your db's birthday not anniversary of death. Many apologies.

Still, on this occasion I think the stiff upper lip is the way to go, or - as others suggest - a nice day out just the two of you if you can't face clubbing.

Could you arrange a different time to go and have a celebratory meal or something? Make an event just for the two of you? Don't take it personally noone else will understand your grief, especially as I imagine you don't speak about it often.

Plan something lovely with your bf that night x

Thanks for your comments

To answer some of the points raised…

Counselling - I have had 3 courses so far. One immediately after he died, then the following academic year as I was struggling to focus at med school and then in November 2015 after I became suicidal.
I have found them all helpful - they have forced me to talk about my feelings and understand what triggers my emotions.

Before all this kicked off this week I had been the best I had been in a year For the first time in aaaaages I was really really enjoying life and my boyfriend had commented on this.

Friendship Dynamic - Over the last 10 years our friendship has definitely been a two way thing. Yes I have had a particularly bad run but I have always supported her with her issues - broken heart, office politics, moving house etc… I am always there for her. Sometimes because of my rota I have skipped sleep post nights in order to travel the 100+miles to see her. I would say our friendship is equal

Weddings are Happy event - Could not agree more! That's why I panicked when she first text me as I didn't want to tell her about my depression as I didn't want to talk about anything not positive. I quickly turned the convo to her dress and the faaaaar more fun stuff.

It was a MASSIVE deal to me to open up to the bride and bridesmaid. I had no intention of discussing my depression with anyone other than my boyfriend and my counsellor but I felt I couldn't RSVP honestly without explaining the reason behind it.

World keeps Turning - yup I know! I have graduated medical school without my brother and attended family weddings without him. However my counselling has highlighted the need to protect myself on both the day he died and his birthday as part of the reason I struggled in medical school was because they put our exam on his birthday! The date is now very emotionally significant to me and mixed up with a great deal of distress. I did pass the exam but only just - literally scrapped it - which has compromised my job opportunities in the future as employees what to know your grades.

Why exactly am I so upset??
It is hard to pinpoint exactly but I think it's the lack of sensitivity from both bride and bridesmaid and the offhand manner the bridesmaid has thrown my career commitments in face as a reason I shouldn't come.

I turned down a massive conference in New York in early July in order to keep an addition to weekends free for her hen and now I wonder why I bothered!!

The hen do is still a long way off, so I would put it out of your mind and see how you feel nearer the time. A lot of what you've explained reminds me strongly of myself and close friends during bouts of depression. I remember spending weeks worrying about nights out that, once I was there, were lovely. I doubt that your friends are trying to hurt you, wedding planning is a busy, complicated time. Also, just talk to your friend, don't try to fill in the blanks with guess work.

I'm sorry, but I think your counsellor is wrong in telling you to make those dates very significant. The important thing is to work towards remembering your brother in the best way, and focusing on a bad day can't be helpful. A birthday is slightly different, and it's good to raise a glass to absent family and friends. But I truly think it is healing to try to forget or ignore the anniversary of the death of a loved one. They really would not want you to be thinking of them in this way instead of happier times.

was because they put our exam on his birthday

I'm worried about your therapist trying to tell you this and letting you think it is a slight against you. They didn't choose to put an exam on his birthday. They had no idea about this date being significant to you. They scheduled an exam for their students. I really do think you need to stop thinking of this as a day that is solely devoted to him and his memory. What would happen if one of your friend's became pregnant with a due date of the same day as his birthday, or gave birth that day?

However my counselling has highlighted the need to protect myself on both the day

I agree with Rhonda. I have not heard that said before at all