Best friend is arranging Hen Party on my dead brother's birthday

[Smiliestar87]

So I will try to explain this as clearly as possible….apologises if I ramble but I am really upset about this and need some advise about what to next.

My best girlfriend of almost 10 years is getting married in September - very exciting news!

I am a massive tomboy and she is without the closest female friend I have ever had. We met on the first day of college and just hit it off straight away. We have been backpacking together just the two of us and when there is significant drama in my life she is the one I call.

Unlike me she has lots of girlie mates and has asked one of her ex-housemates to be her bridesmaid, who I am also mates with but just not as close.

Now I am a very busy person. I am a trainee surgeon and work normally at least 1 weekend per month and do weird shift patterns due to night work etc. In addition to that I have to attend loads of courses and training outside of my work hours meaning I am often busy when my mates organise socials with little notice.

During medical school my brother died suddenly. My best friend was one of the main reasons (alongside my boyfriend) that I was able to complete my medical degree and qualify as a doctor. She really has been there for me.

Now the issue I need help with……

Bride texts me asking if I am free on a particular weekend in July. It's my brother's birthday and I have been suffering with depression over the last six months which I have kept secret from everyone except my boyfriend. I panicked and said it was only a maybe because of work. I didn't want to stress her out as I know how stressful wedding planning can be.

Over the next 72hrs I realised that I needed to tell her the truth - that it was because of my brother and no other reason.

I don't know what I was expecting but she basically replied…...
"oh well there will be other nights out"

I also contacted bridesmaid to double check if this was the date she had allocated and explained why I couldn't come. She said she knew my brothers birthday was around that time but that the date was fixed and as my availability is so poor she can't change it.


I literally feel heartbroken. I have been crying daily since this happened on Tuesday. I just feel absolutely shattered.

I don't know what to do. should I speak to the bride again?? Should I leave it??

Any advice would be amazing :)

[NoahVale]

can you raise a drink to your brother on the night?
look on it as a new start?
as said already, what would he want you to do?

[MerryMarigold]

Smilie, if she knows you well, perhaps she assumed you would not want to come on a clubbing night out. But these things are all better to to be spoken about and in the open otherwise hurt like this happens. How did you find out about other friends being asked?

[MidniteScribbler]

Midnite, OP considers herself the best friend of the bride. She is not a bridesmaid (are there even several?) as it is possible she can't make the actual wedding.

As awful as it sounds, whilst the OP might consider that the bride is her best friend, we don't know how the bride views the OP. The OPs first post said that the bride has many other close female friends, whilst the OP has very few. It's entirely possible that sadly the bride does not view the OP as the OP views the bride.

Aside from that, bereavement is an awful thing, but there are 365 days in a year and 7 billion people on the planet. There's going to be an overlap and no one can own a day. I've lost both parents, all four grandparents, a fiancee and multiple miscarriages. I don't get to claim those days as mine for grieving, and if I did, I'd have a lot of days off work.

No one is minimising the grief felt by anyone who has lost someone close to them. But a day on the calendar is just a day on the calendar. It is not the person, their spirit, or their life. That date will have significance for millions of other people around the world for very different reasons. You don't own a day.

[NoahVale]

OP perhaps she knows that there are so many dates your are unavailable and she had checked with you.
she has other people to check with also.
it is her wedding, her hen do.
Please realise this.

[Smiliestar87]

Both bride and bridesmaid said they forgot the date (which I am not upset about because as many of you have pointed out the date just wouldn't be a big deal to other people).

I found out from one of the other friends, who is trying to sound out all of our availability to organise a house party. I asked about the bride's hen do availability and she said had met up with the bridesmaid about 3 weeks ago to discuss everything hen and her availability. She assumed the bridesmaid had asked all the close friends individually.

[briss]

I don't know you, or your friend or your brother

but I bet he would have wanted you to go and have a great time xx

[shinynewusername]

OP, this is so hard for you but remember that the bride did ask your availability and you said you were unsure. In that situation, I think many brides would have thought, "Well I'll go for the date that works for most people and hope that Smilestar can make it". By the sound of it, you didn't say, "Well I'm not free that weekend but am free on the following dates...". As you say, your mates will be used to you being unsure about availability and, tbh, as a doctor myself, I'm not sure how you can be sure you'll be free all those weekends this far in advance. I don't think you can really blame her for choosing the date that worked best for the majority.

When you told her the real reason you had been unsure about the date, she may well have concluded that you didn't want to go on the hen do at all - because they will be clubbing and may trigger memories of your DB death. So she may have thought that she was being kind by accepting your reason without further comment, rather than pressuring you by suggesting alternative dates. I am sure that - having been such a great friend to you - she has no idea that she has upset you so badly and would be horrified. But I think you need to try to move on, accept that there has been a misunderstanding and either go to to part of the hen do but not the clubbing or don't go at all. Bringing it up with your friend now, when the date is set, is likely to lead to upset for both of you without changing the outcome.

[Bubblesinthesummer]

If there to do something else other than clubbing on that date would you go?

[briss]

I am so sorry I hadn't read this post

I just can't. I can't explain it. I think it's because it's going to involve going to club full of drunk people just like the night he died.

I have only been clubbing about 4 times since as I find it really hard. I have flashbacks of identifying his body for the police.

in that case I wouldn't go xx

[Smiliestar87]

I am really sorry for your losses MidniteScribbler.

I too have lost multiple family members - 2 grandparents, 1 uncle, 2 cousins - but it was because my brother's death was so expected. He was only 20. He went out on a night out and never came home.

I had to identify his body for the police when the murder investigation was launched as my parents couldn't face it.

The inquest has been ruled open - as in they can't rule out foul play/murder but don't have enough evidence to actively investigate the case further. No witnesses have ever come forward.

I don't own the day - I would be happy to go if it was a chilled spa day or even just a drink in a pub. But a massive nightclub - I'm sorry but it's too upsetting.

[NoahVale]

He liked night clubs though, you should remember that op.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I understand how a nightclub would be distressing on that day. Could you come for the daytime but leave before the club? I think that's a nice compromise and totally understandable.

Are you actually more annoyed that you weren't asked to be bridesmaid? Do you feel the BM is not really acknowledging how close your friendship to the bride is?

[MidniteScribbler]

Smiliestar87 I understand, I really do. My parent's deaths weren't straightforward, but I won't go in to why as it's not my thread. But they were traumatic, and I do know what you are going through.

Sometimes, regardless of dates, there are things we just cannot face. Going to a nightclub is not right for you, and that's fair enough. Going to a nightclub on your brother's birthday is even less possible for you right now.

So just forget it. Don't go. Tell the bride that you can't do it, and find another date and activity that you can share together to celebrate her wedding. Shout her a spa day, special lunch, anything you like, but find a way to celebrate with her and enjoy her friendship and take the nightclub and date out of the equation.

[Smiliestar87]

Now I know that the bridesmaid had gone to such lengths to find out our other friends' availability before setting the date I feel more upset towards her specifically.

From what the bride has said it is only a night out in order to keep costs down as several of our mates are cash poor at the moment.

Should I talk to the bridesmaid?

[ridemesideways]

What do YOU want to do OP?

Or if you could wave a magic wand, what would you like to happen?

Would you like your friend to apologise to you and offer to change the date? Or the venue?

You say you are brokenhearted and have been crying a lot over this. I would gently suggest that this reaction needs talking through with your counsellor.

[leghoul]

have you been assessed for panic disorder/ post traumatic stress disorder/ some kind of pathological grief reaction underneath the depression? speaking from experience

you've had a very traumatic time and it's completely okay to feel like you do and not want to go - if you think you may panic or have intrusive flashbacks etc it's probably rather sensible to do something less stressful. I don't think it's as simple as 'well he'd have wanted you to go' etc - he was so young and it was very unexpected and untimely and shocking, and no, it's not okay and not something you can just 'get over' - it's a long process about learning to live with it now and functioning in life, with this having happened. Dates won't be remembered by other people (and even when they are, it tends to be very few people actually will mention it as they either don't know what to say, or worry about reminding you and upsetting you - like you'd ever forget!) do what it takes to feel calm on the day, and in the run up (often worse than the day) and only go to events when you really feel you want to go, and don't feel too conflicted. Personally I like to fill significant dates for me (DC died) with work/voluntary work as otherwise I find it very hard to know what to do with myself - but I wouldn't go to a party and certainly not clubbing, (although I might one day) it just isn't the same as 'being busy' with the added trauma for you of the context. I don't think you should expect her to change the date, but please rest assured you are grieving and although perhaps along a more complicated path, with depression and some additional reaction, possibly, what you're feeling is normal and it's completely up to you how you deal with the significant days and keep yourself okay, while also not shying away from activities you want to do

[leghoul]

It sounds like you really want to go?

If that's the case, yes - tell the bridesmaid you're sorry you weren't clearer about availability, but that any of the other dates around that time are fine with you and because your friendship means a lot to you, it would mean the world to you if you could be there for the hen night.

Don't get too mad at the bridesmaid though - if she's insensitive, chalk it up to her being fortunate enough to not understand what you've been through and why a date may be hard.

[shinynewusername]

OP, you are opening yourself up to more hurt by pursuing this. It is possible that the bride doesn't think of you as such a close friend as you believe. That might not be the case at all and I'm only raising it because I don't want you to be hurt further. I honestly can't think of any scenario whereby you raise this with the bride or bridesmaid which doesn't make things worse.

I am so sorry you feel hurt at such a sensitive time but don't let it poison your friendship with the bride. Focus on all that you have done to support each other and let this one go.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Smilie
Sorry for your loss.
I lost one of my parents quite young - I was a teenager and she was in her early 50's. One of the effects, especially in the first couple of years afterwards, was an overwhelming sense of unfairness. A sense that nobody really understood or appreciated what I had gone through. Consequently, issues that I would now shrug off took on a much bigger significance and felt a lot more personal and hurtful. I was bloody angry at the world and felt like my skin had been stripped off so every little thing was noticed and painful.

Given the traumatic circumstances around your DB's death, I think you haven't had sufficient time or counselling to deal with it yet. It takes a long time to learn to live with such a loss. In some ways your stressful job is also stopping you dealing with it because you don't really have time. Carve out some time for yourself where you can and get some more counselling.

[Smiliestar87]

ridemesideways what would I want?

I want the bride to have her fancy dress night out like she has always wanted just on a different date.
I want her to have a great time on her hen with all her close friends there :)

that is what I would want if I had a magic wand

[Smiliestar87]

Just to clarify - I really REALLY want to go!

[ridemesideways]

So you essentially want some ideas for how to approach them to get the date changed.

Tricky to broach the subject without alienating yourself further...

[MidniteScribbler]

OP, it sounds like your feelings about your brother are at war with your feelings about the hen do.

It's OK to want to go. It's OK to go. You are not disrespecting your brother or his memory by doing so.

[ridemesideways]

How about a joint email to friend and bridesmaid:

I would really love to come along to the hen night but the selected date is just too painful for me.

I would love it if there was any possible logistical way we could change it to (alternatives), but if not, I'll bow out and look forward to seeing you at (other thing)

All love etc, Smilie,

• or have you already done that?

[Smiliestar87]

Exactly I don't know what I should do….I don't want to upset the bride but at the same time I am gutted not to be there especially when I have kept so many weekends free ready for her hen party :)

I am really upset now with the bridesmaid who is also a close friend for planning the event around other people and just expecting me to slot in despite my notoriously busier career.

In an ideal world - the bridesmaid would apologise for the accident with dates and promise to reconsider other dates. In a perfect world the date would be changed to a day we can all make and then we can just forget about the crossed wires surrounding this.

But I have explained to the bridesmaid and she just doesn't get it and said the date is fixed without explaining why.