Best friend is arranging Hen Party on my dead brother's birthday

[Smiliestar87]

So I will try to explain this as clearly as possible….apologises if I ramble but I am really upset about this and need some advise about what to next.

My best girlfriend of almost 10 years is getting married in September - very exciting news!

I am a massive tomboy and she is without the closest female friend I have ever had. We met on the first day of college and just hit it off straight away. We have been backpacking together just the two of us and when there is significant drama in my life she is the one I call.

Unlike me she has lots of girlie mates and has asked one of her ex-housemates to be her bridesmaid, who I am also mates with but just not as close.

Now I am a very busy person. I am a trainee surgeon and work normally at least 1 weekend per month and do weird shift patterns due to night work etc. In addition to that I have to attend loads of courses and training outside of my work hours meaning I am often busy when my mates organise socials with little notice.

During medical school my brother died suddenly. My best friend was one of the main reasons (alongside my boyfriend) that I was able to complete my medical degree and qualify as a doctor. She really has been there for me.

Now the issue I need help with……

Bride texts me asking if I am free on a particular weekend in July. It's my brother's birthday and I have been suffering with depression over the last six months which I have kept secret from everyone except my boyfriend. I panicked and said it was only a maybe because of work. I didn't want to stress her out as I know how stressful wedding planning can be.

Over the next 72hrs I realised that I needed to tell her the truth - that it was because of my brother and no other reason.

I don't know what I was expecting but she basically replied…...
"oh well there will be other nights out"

I also contacted bridesmaid to double check if this was the date she had allocated and explained why I couldn't come. She said she knew my brothers birthday was around that time but that the date was fixed and as my availability is so poor she can't change it.


I literally feel heartbroken. I have been crying daily since this happened on Tuesday. I just feel absolutely shattered.

I don't know what to do. should I speak to the bride again?? Should I leave it??

Any advice would be amazing :)

[fusionconfusion]

Your brother tragically and unexpectedly on a night you were clubbing and you had to identify his body a few years ago.

I think that a lot of the responses here miss that events like this are life-altering and that everyone has their limits around how far they like to expose themselves to identical situations to ones that are as traumatic as this.

It is okay not to want to go clubbing on the day of his birthday or the day he died. We can't "delete" associations from our minds and if the experience is likely to be very traumatic it is understandable that attending a club on this date is not worth the resulting pain and suffering that it will bring into your life at a time when you are recovering from depression.

It's also okay not to like the fact that your friend doesn't "get" the impact of this in your life, how you feel is how you feel and that's your experience.

The question now is one of YOUR values - not your friend's.

If what matters most to you is to remember your brother on his birthday and being in a club isn't going to serve that value, stay away and find a different way to show your friend how much you value her and respect how important her wedding is to her, and how important it is that she can celebrate this is in a way that matters to her.

If what matters most to you is being there with your friend for her hen party then you can find ways to honour your brother's memory on the date and open up to and be present for the inevitable sadness and difficult memories that being in a club may bring into your experience on that date, but do so willingly in the service of your values around this friendship.

Either way, while you don't need to LIKE this situation, you do need to accept that it is what is happening. None of your feelings are unreasonable but if you make your friend responsible for them, you will likely not being moving towards your values of shared friendship, but moving away... and in a way that probably doesn't meet any of your values around how you remember and honour your brother.

[fusionconfusion]

And having seen your update - while it might seem ideal for the bride to change the date to accommodate you, that does make this party about your experience and that probably isn't reasonable, despite the unusually tragic circumstances that make it so difficult for you to attend.

[Smiliestar87]

LionsLedge I have already :)

The bridesmaid has replied saying that the date is fixed now and can't be changed which giving any reasons.

I just feel devastated about the whole thing. I really want to go just not on that date :)

[OutWithTheDogs]

It's always hard to find a date to suit everyone so maybe the bridesmaid didn't check the dates with you because she had already got to the point that there was only one date that was suiting people. July is prime holiday/wedding/weekend away time so in not inconceivable that others were already booked to do other things.
It wouldn't mean that they were not thinking of you.
I also think it's relevant that your friend has lots of friends and that you only have a few. It doesn't make your friendship with her any less important but does mean that she has more people to think of.
It's a night clubbing that's all. It's not worth tears and upset.

[ridemesideways]

Does the bride know what the bridesmaid has said, that the date is fixed? And does she agree?

[OutWithTheDogs]

BTW had you ever mentioned to your friends that clubbing has made you have flashback to your brothers death? Might she or the bridesmaid be worried about you being there and not enjoying it?

[wannaBe]

But the bride did ask if you were available on that date and you said you didn't know yet. Meanwhile, I'm guessing that all the others were asked and they were all available on that date and were able to confirm that they were available

Do you honestly expect that given everyone else was available on that date they should change it just because you didn't want to go then?

I understand your upset because it's your DB's birthday that weekend. But firstly, they weren't to know. They may have guessed that you might be unhappy going to a club given the circumstances, but other than that they couldn't possibly have known given you didn't tell them. Secondly, when you were asked for availability you didn't commit to a weekend you were asked about. Thirdly, everyone else is available that weekend. It's likely that there will be others who wouldn't be. I'm guessing that others have said that they're not available on other weekends and as such it can't be altered because of that, and neither should it be, you weren't forthcoming when asked. You did have a chance to explain and didn't.

It seems clear that you do need some more counselling to help you to deal with this. But honestly, none of this is personal towards you.

[fusionconfusion]

She doesn't need to give you reasons, it's her hen party.

You don't want to go on that date. It's on that date. You either choose to go, or not. It doesn't sound as though your friend is going to be unreasonable about your very valid reasons not to go, and you need to accept she may have her own reasons for going ahead with that date. It's as simple (and yet difficult) as that.

Unfortunately it is a bit like the old "he's not just that into you" thing. Perhaps it is not being arranged around you because there is another friend or even family member who can only go on that date that is, for this event, more important in your friend's mind.

That is always going to hurt, of course,but it happens to all of us and we all have our own preferences.

I was verysecretly very hurt when my best friend from school didn't choose to have me as a bridesmaid and chose another friend, but that was her choice and her prerogative and making a fuss about it would have cost me a dear friendship.

If you push on her to change this, it won't end well for you. You shared your reasons and the date hasn't been changed. There's nothing more to be done with this.

[0hCrepe]

When I read how your db died I totally understood how you could not face going to a nightclub ever again. That you have and it's been ok is a positive step towards facing scary things that open up memories no one should have to bear.
However, I think you have to let go of the idea of the date changing and let go of the hurt that you weren't consulted for free dates; you have a busy work schedule and your friend probably expected there would be a big chance you couldn't go. You have 2 choices now. You can decide it's too painful for you and apologise but not go and maybe do a 1:1 alternative (sounds like you're not that close to her other friends anyway) or you can say you'll try and go. You are available on the date and you could use the next 6 months to try and bring your thinking around to it being something you can do and something you can enjoy. As others have said he'd want you to go and he'll be right there with you as he always is.

[leghoul]

I guess you could say to the bride, not the bridesmaid. that you're sorry you won't be ale to make it and understand it's on x date, but you're free the other weekends around the date and if the date changes to let you know and if not you hope she has a wonderful time and that you can do something special together on another date.

[BurningBridges]

I would feel the same as you OP, in every respect. I think you need to speak directly to your friend and get it sorted out. If you still can't go, arrange another thing. Even if you weren't depressed, the way its been done is thoughtless.

I know you've had counselling before, but someone earlier mentioned PTSD - there's a treatment called EMDR which I have had and which literally saved my life - I know others on Mumsnet have had it and recommend it.

[Thurlow]

YANBU to not want to go on that particular date. I'm very sorry for your loss, and you should always find the right way to deal with the anniversary that suits you every hear.

However, as regards being upset that the hen do is being planned for that day, YABU. I do mean that in the nicest possible way as I fully understand your reasons for not wanting to go - but there are presumably lots of other friends going on the hen do, and they have to chose the date that works best for the most people.

[leghoul]

I don't think it's reasonable to expect the date to be changed, though - you need to be comfortable with your own decision. Also may be worth examining what's the biggest worry about going - the flashbacks and associations of the night db died, or a feeling that you shouldn't go, because of him. If it's the former, then you're staying away for your own wellbeing, at the moment - if it's the latter, then I think you should work on that as it's very common to feel like you can't have fun/etc particularly so on specific dates after such a bereavement, but it's not good if you feel like that and it also leaves you feeling bad about your friend. If it's the latter, maybe work on a way to go for a while, and also do something to remember him on the day/ also going may be remembering him in itself because of the close tie your friend has to that time. You've got time to work on this, but sorry for everything you've been through

[Charley50]

Hi OP sorry for your completely traumatic loss. I just wanted to comment on a couple of things. You said the bridesmaid checked with everyone apart from you but actually the other friend assumed she had checked with the others. Maybe she didn't. Also is it a possibility that they are going to see a particular DJ play that the bride loves, and that's why dates can't change?
Did they know that you turned down a conference in New York in case the hen night was that weekend? If not it's irrelevant really.
Please don't let this poison your friendship. It's just one night out and not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
I lost my brother in a very traumatic way and I know how raw you feel for many years afterwards. And my friends are very dear to me and just having them around helped me get through it. Occasionally friends say something insensitive for example 'people that commit suicide are selfish' forgetting that is how my brother died. But they don't mean to be hurtful. They don't live in my head and can't be expected to. It's my grief.
Do something nice and fun with your friend. Take get out for a very posh meal somewhere you wouldn't usually go to.
Have you got something planned with your family on your brothers birthday? I really feel your pain sorry.

[derxa]

I understand your feelings about your brother. Mine died in a road accident at the age of 32. I was devastated as were my parents obviously.
He died 3 days after his birthday.
I'm trying to search for the words which will help you without sounding too harsh. PPs have explained why YABU and I won't reiterate them. Take a step away from the bride and her wedding. If you feel you can go to this -bloody- hen do then go. My dad made a point of attending the annual event where my brother died. It took courage for him to do this but I think it was hugely therapeutic for him. I lost a lot of friends due to my grieving process. I was very demanding and that pushed them away.
Good luck with everything. I know how hard it is.

[Furiosa]

Smiliestar87 I think you have your answer to what you want - your friends won't change their plans for you.

Now for the hard bit - you need to accept that.

That doesn't mean you can't be angry with your friend for their quite frankly astonishing lack of understanding but they won't change anything for you. I think you made the mistake of putting expectations on other people. You expected them to help you get through a difficult anniversary only to find out they've moved on from your tragedy without letting you know. The way you lost your brother was devastating and few people will be able to comprehend exactly what you've been through. I wish you could have the friends you deserve at this horrible time.

If I were you I'd accept that you can't be with your friend on her hen night. Do something special for yourself and wish her well. Don't write her off as someone that doesn't care about you, she most likely does but remember she can't be there for you all the time in the way you need her to be.

[OutWithTheDogs]

OP, in your OP you said
Bride texts me asking if I am free on a particular weekend in July. It's my brother's birthday and I have been suffering with depression over the last six months which I have kept secret from everyone except my boyfriend. I panicked and said it was only a maybe because of work.

So you were asked and as you didn't give the real reason it was not the least bit surprising that they went on to confirm the date with everyone else. I really don't think either your friend or the bridesmaid have been thoughtless.

[MidniteScribbler]

and just expecting me to slot in despite my notoriously busier career.

Honestly, I'm now starting to wonder if it's more about not being consulted as it is about the date. We've heard many times now about your busy career, how important your work is. Is this really about your brother, or about the fact that no one bothered to check with your about your work schedule?

[Charley50]

I agree that they haven't been thoughtless, and that when you realise this, you won't feel so upset with your friends.

[bexcee8]

If I was you I think I'd send a message to the bride saying something along the lines of......

Am so gutted I'm going to miss your hen night but know I'll be an emotional mess that night cos of it being my brothers birthday and I don't want to spoil the night for you. If it were any other weekend is be there with my best .........(insert outfit of choice) on!
Do you remember those nights we spent planning our hen night, weddings etc? Can't believe the time has finally come!
Anyway hope to see you soon and hope the wedding planning isn't too stressful.

See what reply you get. If the date is set in stone then maybe just the two of you could have a spa day/facial/manicure before her big day?

[NoSquirrels]

YANBU to not want to go clubbing on that particular date.

YANBU to be hurt no one checked a range of dates when you could go (as would be usual practice, ime.)

YANBU to wish they had responded differently when you asked nicely if it could be rearranged to another date.

But YABU to expect them to change it just for you.

Please, try to do as others have suggested and arrange something one-on-one with your friend to celebrate in style. Make it something lovely, just the two of you - all the more important to get it in the diary now if you're not sure what will happen with your new rota on your new contract. Decide to be bigger about it, and not to obsess over being left out of one night. Make it about your friend and your friendship. Ignore the other other bridesmaid. You'll feel better to have a plan, and it will give you some clarity.

[Smiliestar87]

Thanks NoSquirrels - I think you're right. I will contact Bride directly to discuss another date for a girlie 1on1 weekend.

MidniteScribbler - I think it's clear I am upset because it is my closest friend (even if that feeling isn't shared). I often have to miss things like parties, birthdays, new year parties etc because of my job so my friends all know that it's just the way things are at the moment. I have been able however to make all 8 weddings so far - once pulling off a 4 way swap on the on-call rota which was an admin nightmare but def worth it to see my flatmate walk down the aisle.

[MerryMarigold]

YABU to expect them to change it just for you

This is maximum FIVE people we're talking about (I think OP said 3 friends, herself and bride to be), not a hen for 50 people. It's not so difficult to change with 6 other weekends to choose from. I think you should speak to bride and say you'd really, really like to come. Sorry you didn't send other dates out earlier, but here's 6 others to choose from. Would one of them be possible. Maybe send it to bridesmaid and cc the bride to be.

[LagunaBubbles]

Do you know the Bridesmaid? I dont get why she would check with other people and not you regarding availability?