Best friend is arranging Hen Party on my dead brother's birthday

[Smiliestar87]

So I will try to explain this as clearly as possible….apologises if I ramble but I am really upset about this and need some advise about what to next.

My best girlfriend of almost 10 years is getting married in September - very exciting news!

I am a massive tomboy and she is without the closest female friend I have ever had. We met on the first day of college and just hit it off straight away. We have been backpacking together just the two of us and when there is significant drama in my life she is the one I call.

Unlike me she has lots of girlie mates and has asked one of her ex-housemates to be her bridesmaid, who I am also mates with but just not as close.

Now I am a very busy person. I am a trainee surgeon and work normally at least 1 weekend per month and do weird shift patterns due to night work etc. In addition to that I have to attend loads of courses and training outside of my work hours meaning I am often busy when my mates organise socials with little notice.

During medical school my brother died suddenly. My best friend was one of the main reasons (alongside my boyfriend) that I was able to complete my medical degree and qualify as a doctor. She really has been there for me.

Now the issue I need help with……

Bride texts me asking if I am free on a particular weekend in July. It's my brother's birthday and I have been suffering with depression over the last six months which I have kept secret from everyone except my boyfriend. I panicked and said it was only a maybe because of work. I didn't want to stress her out as I know how stressful wedding planning can be.

Over the next 72hrs I realised that I needed to tell her the truth - that it was because of my brother and no other reason.

I don't know what I was expecting but she basically replied…...
"oh well there will be other nights out"

I also contacted bridesmaid to double check if this was the date she had allocated and explained why I couldn't come. She said she knew my brothers birthday was around that time but that the date was fixed and as my availability is so poor she can't change it.

I literally feel heartbroken. I have been crying daily since this happened on Tuesday. I just feel absolutely shattered.

I don't know what to do. should I speak to the bride again?? Should I leave it??

Any advice would be amazing :)

I'm sorry for the predicament you are in. It sounds as though going to a nightclub would have been difficult for you, whatever the day. Your friend may possibly be feeling very awkward and embarrassed that she forgot about such an important date for you. Perhaps you could meet up, just the pair of you, to do something that you would both enjoy to mark the occasion. A spa day or nice meal, maybe?

And a big pat on the back for completing your degree and carrying on with your medical career. I did an mbbs while battling severe depression and it was hellish. I finished the degree but had to leave the career for something less all - consuming.

Is it the date, the clubbing or the fact that your friend appears to be dismissing your feelings that hurts the most?

You say she got you through tough, terrible times in the past. I wonder (and just speculating wildly) if your friendship might have fallen into a certain dynamic - her supporting you.

Sometimes people get burnt out and it can seem to the supportee that their supporter doesn't care. It's not the case, it's just that it's about HER this time, not your grief. In the best possible sense.

The shift can be jarring but if the friendship has been unequal, it is necessary.

Or I could be barking up the wrong tree entirely. If so, my apologies.

But like pp said, maybe everyone else could only do that date. The bride understands why you can't go. I think because you are feeling low you are taking it far too personally. She is still that great friend. The hen is usually organised by bridesmaids.

My DB died a few years ago so I understand you are hurting. I don't dwell on any dates other than his birthday but I understand why the circumstances would make things difficult for you. That date will be tough for you whether you go or not. Although tbh, from what you've said, I doubt it would do you any good to go.

I do think the way you are reacting to this is really your depression talking rather than the way you have been treated.

Non-medics cannot perceive why medical professionals have so little control over their free-time. I understand how this must feel to you because of the date being your brother's birthday. However this is not either your friend or the bridesmaid's issue.

Why not take some control of this and come up with something else to celebrate with your friend. Email or send a card explaining how you would have loved to come to her hen do, apologise to her and explain why this will not be possible for you because of how you are feeling. Arrange a special day or weekend with her when you are both free so you can celebrate her upcoming wedding.

It's a shame you can't go, and understandable that you don't want to. Your friend hasn't done it to slight you, she's picked a date for a party, that is all. Please don't read anything else in to it. If you do speak to her about the date, make it about how you feel rather than any expectations of her to change her plans.

Is there anything else you can do to get extra support for your depression and grief as it sounds wretched that you have been crying every day for a week (longer?) Please try to get some extra support

I think its wrong the thought didn't go into the date! But we can't expect even close friends or other ppl to plan events around our terrible times/dates. Yes it hurts!! but do not take it personally!! Your an intellectual women you need to think beyond this and stand up to reality and deal with it as a adult! Btw Does your friend know about your depression for the last six months?

How about you suggest just the two of you have a nice lunch together - you can have some one on one time without the pressure - perjaps bridesmaid could come too?

I'm sorry for your loss.

I understand what rideme is saying about the friendship dynamic, is that something you could relate to?

I can understand the discomfort surrounding the date for you, and you choosing not to attend, but I also think with clarity you would know that 'loaded' dates or memories are deeply personal things, which hen nights organised on behalf of someone else for multiple participants can't account for.

I know quite a lot of friends who have felt blindsided when it's come to wedding planning of their close friends, because they still think of the friendship from a previous time, not the current day relationship.

I think I have been a good friend to some of my friends, but I am hopeless at dates and I honestly cannot say on what dates or even at what time of year their family members died. I like to think I was helpful when it happened.

Lots of good comments here. I think the best idea is to get in touch with your friend and suggest a one-to-one hens night.

It doesn't sound like this was planned deliberately but it does sound like your friend is (naturally) thinking about herself. I agree with pp that for you the friendship has shifted away from your needs and towards hers, whether that's intentional on your friends part or not.

Instead of fretting about not attending the main hen night, contact your friend. Apologise for not being able to make her hen do and suggest any of the other dates you're available so the two of you can do something instead.

I suppose also, they're maybe looking at it as it's your brother's birthday and not the anniversary of his death. They may see it as birthdays are celebrations whereas anniversaries are for reflection.

I'm sorry to hear about your db. Mine also died nearly 13 years ago now. You have done so well to carry on as you have but I know how much significant dates or careless words can set you back. I still have friends from childhood who all knew my brother well. They don't particularly remember his birthday or date of death even though to me it is as if they're emblazoned around. Other people's worlds keep on turning. You can't expect them to not do things on his days I'm afraid and people wouldn't normally regard birthdays of a late loved one as a no go. You however can do what you want and it sounds like your friend respects that. It could even be a nice distraction. What would you normally do on his birthday?

Last week was my DS birthday. He died through complications as a baby. My DH was away with work which couldn't be avoided which also involved a big diner/celebration on the actual date.

I was hurt and upset when he first told me. However I did realise that however much we want it to the world doesn't stop turning. He didn't want to go but it really couldn't be helped.

That date is understandably a big date for you and I know you say you can make lots of other dates, but maybe the majority couldn't. It would be the start of the holiday season, people could be away or also working etc.

I do think this is your depression taking and you should go back to your drs.

This is not your wedding or hens night, it is hers and you are making it all about you. A friend didn't come to my wedding because it was the same day as her daughter's birthday and she seemed to think that nothing could ever be planned on that day and she now owned it. It was the date I wanted, so she had to decide to come or not, and I'd not have taken very kindly to her trying to tell me I had to change it. If people had to take in to account the sentimental dates for everyone, then nothing would ever get done. You simply can't consider the personal feelings of everyone you invite to a wedding.

As is constantly said on here, it's an invitation, not a summons, and you can just decline. Tell her that you simply can't face it, and book a one on one time with her on another day. You don't have to go, and you need to stop taking it as a personal slight.

My oldest friend has a job which means she is unavailable a lot at weekends. When I booked my hen do and wedding there were so many factors - family dates, availability of the church, caterers etc that I just couldn't factor in her availability as well - especially as it can change at short notice. I can't remember but I'm not sure if I even asked her about availability because our options were so limited anyway.

In the end she made it to part of my hen and not my wedding. As far as I know, neither of us took it to heart. It's just part and parcel of the lives we both lead. It didn't matter then and it certainly doesn't 5 years later.

I strongly suspect your reaction to this decision is due to your depression and still coming to terms with the death of your brother. I'd suggest, very gently, that you're in danger of taking out your feelings in her, which wouldn't be fair to either of you. Are you having counselling to help with the depression? I think you need to talk this over with someone professional.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. It sounds harrowing and heart breaking

Firstly, I'm sorry that you lost your brother. Sudden deaths at a young age are particularly hard to adjust to, at least in my experience.

As regards the hen party, are you really, hand on heart, able to commit firmly to other dates now? i.e. are all your shifts already agreed? Just speaking from experience, I have had friends whose availability was always very uncertain due to work (deal flow dependent), and whilst that wasnt their fault, I did rather start discounting them when planning stuff in advance with multiple other people, as it got annoying when I'd arrange something to accommodate them, and then they were a last minute no show. Is there a possibility that's what's happening here? Alternatively, it's totally possible that by the time she's rostered in her availability and that of her bridesmaid and any family members, that's the only date left.

Either way, dont make a thing about it. Just message her, say you'll need to see how you feel closer the time, and offer to do a lunch instead.

I understand why you're upset, but at the same time it is her event...so I think it's really about her setting a date she wants and inviting people and seeing who comes. I think it would be foolish to see if she can change the date...and may make her feel as put out as you do at the minute. It is extremely tough, but surely it'll be something to have to come to grips with - you can't expect other people to change their plans in this way over something they themselves aren't going through.

Why don't you talk to the bride in person, say you're really sorry you can't come but it would just be too hard for you and say that you'd like to do something special just with her before the wedding like go for a cream tea/dinner/spa day as it means a lot to you and you know you might not be able to make it to her wedding. It sounds like you wouldn't have enjoyed going to a club anyway (I've always found hen nights at clubs awful anyway as I'm not a clubby person so can't imagine enjoying it with your added trama) and this way you get to have a special time with the bride and show her how much she means to you.

for you, but yes, very gently, you are being U.

If you really feel you can't go, then tell your friend the reason without making her feel like a monster- please.

Sadly for you, no matter how close your friend is, and has been, you can't expect anyone to arrange, or not arrange, something because it would have been your brother's birthday.

Sorry.

Does she know you maybe can't come to the wedding? Maybe if she does, she feels that you should want to come to her wedding no matter what and if your attendance at the wedding can be binned because of a course, arranging the hen should not be around dates you can or cannot do?

I am sorry for your loss.

In the nicest possible way Yabu.

You said maybe, she booked. Now she knows the reason it's too late to change.

I do think this is your depression making a big deal out of it. You say early on that clubbing is difficult and gives you flashbacks. Then say you enjoyed it the last two times you went.

Hen dos include lots of people, venue booking. Picking any date isn't very easy. Even if you are just going to a night club.

Her response was probably more of a 'don't worry it's not a big deal' as an attempt to play it down.

But you feel it is a big deal. Understandable. But she is trying to make it seem it's not, so you don't worry about it.

I would be bereft at the loss of my brother, and can completely sympathise (if not actually understand, and therefore empathise) with your loss. I fully get why you feel you can't go.

But - also very gently, and with kindness - I agree with the others who are saying you are being a tiny bit U. Not to be upset - at all. But to feel as if they shouldn't go with this date. It's the depression talking, it really is.

This is your friend. Please don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

And yes unfortunately there will be many events over the years that are difficult and in days that are significant to you and your brother. Sometimes you will be able to cope, sometimes not.

My brothers best friend killed himself on evening before my brothers 16th birthday. That was the news he woke up to on a day he should have been celebrating. Even now his birthday is tinged with sadness. It's very very difficult and I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

I agree with the posters that say try and arrange a spa day with her instead on your own, even if it has to be after the wedding.

It sound like a night club is the last place you want to be any weekend of the year.

Please concentrate on your own mental health x