Best friend is arranging Hen Party on my dead brother's birthday

[Smiliestar87]

So I will try to explain this as clearly as possible….apologises if I ramble but I am really upset about this and need some advise about what to next.

My best girlfriend of almost 10 years is getting married in September - very exciting news!

I am a massive tomboy and she is without the closest female friend I have ever had. We met on the first day of college and just hit it off straight away. We have been backpacking together just the two of us and when there is significant drama in my life she is the one I call.

Unlike me she has lots of girlie mates and has asked one of her ex-housemates to be her bridesmaid, who I am also mates with but just not as close.

Now I am a very busy person. I am a trainee surgeon and work normally at least 1 weekend per month and do weird shift patterns due to night work etc. In addition to that I have to attend loads of courses and training outside of my work hours meaning I am often busy when my mates organise socials with little notice.

During medical school my brother died suddenly. My best friend was one of the main reasons (alongside my boyfriend) that I was able to complete my medical degree and qualify as a doctor. She really has been there for me.

Now the issue I need help with……

Bride texts me asking if I am free on a particular weekend in July. It's my brother's birthday and I have been suffering with depression over the last six months which I have kept secret from everyone except my boyfriend. I panicked and said it was only a maybe because of work. I didn't want to stress her out as I know how stressful wedding planning can be.

Over the next 72hrs I realised that I needed to tell her the truth - that it was because of my brother and no other reason.

I don't know what I was expecting but she basically replied…...
"oh well there will be other nights out"

I also contacted bridesmaid to double check if this was the date she had allocated and explained why I couldn't come. She said she knew my brothers birthday was around that time but that the date was fixed and as my availability is so poor she can't change it.


I literally feel heartbroken. I have been crying daily since this happened on Tuesday. I just feel absolutely shattered.

I don't know what to do. should I speak to the bride again?? Should I leave it??

Any advice would be amazing :)

[Smiliestar87]

Yeah I know the med school didn't do it on purpose - the dates are set years in advance.

But the exam being on that date caused me to have a breakdown in the months leading up to it and hence I needed to have a second course of counselling to develop a strategy to push through and pass the exam (which I did just!)

If a baby was born on that day I don't know how I would feel. It's not something I have even thought about.

Last year on his birthday I had to work a 15hr shift which kept me really busy so I didn't have time/chance to grieve until the evening where I cried for a few minutes and then set off a couple of sparklers.

[MerryMarigold]

Rhodabull, are you a fully trained counsellor, therapist or psychotherapist? Do you actually know what you are talking about? If you do, please go ahead and give us your credentials as your advice seems a bit off to me.

Smiliestar, I am going to go against the grain and say YANBU. For the simple reason that as someone very close to the bride, and someone who has weekend work commitments sometimes, they should have agreed several potential dates with you first.

I really think your brother's birthday and your depression are slightly irrelevant.

If you had put, my best friend has organised a hen do without asking me when I was available and I feel hurt, am I being unreasonable. No-one would say you are being unreasonable at all. I think it's tied up in feeling: is she really my best friend? My best friend would not do this to me.

Of course, there are others to consider too, but if you are really close, I can see why you are hurt that she didn't want to accommodate you and find a day you could do. Clearly, if you had been working or on a conference, it would have been the same 'tough titties' attitude. This is what is hurtful. Deeply hurtful. And I don't think YABU to feel hurt by it. The depression and significant day makes it hurt much more deeply, but it is not the main point.

[Smiliestar87]

Thank you Rhodabull!!

That has summarised it all brilliantly - what would you do? Should I raise it with her again or just leave it?

[Funinthesun15]

If a baby was born on that day I don't know how I would feel. It's not something I have even thought about.

I have had to deal with it. My DSS birthday is the anniversary of my own DS death.

Should we not do anything on DSS birthday because of this. How unfair would that be.

I think this is what Rhonda was saying and I also agree with her.

[OutWithTheDogs]

What does your partner or parents (if they are alive) say about this. I think your disappointment is, sort of, understandable but your annoyance with your friend isn't. It's actually unfair of you.

A night clubbing really, really isn't a once in a lifetime event especially for someone who has trouble going to clubs. It doesn't matter at all if you miss it. You are piling way, way too much emotional significance onto a 'girls night out'.

I don't know if you've changed the details a bit but I'm a bit confused about the timeframe of your DBs death. Have you finished your F2

[Smiliestar87]

I think we are going off topic a tad.

My brother died on a night out whilst drunk in a nightclub. The idea of going to a hen do on his birthday to a nightclub where other people will no doubt be very drunk is very different to going to a baby/child's party.

that's why I don't know how I would feel but it just isn't a similar situation in my mind

[MerryMarigold]

I think it depends how close you want to be in the future. If you want to fight for a deep friendship with her, you need to bring up, otherwise you will resent it. I would bring it up as part of a good chat about everything as opposed to a call specifically about this issue. And I would simply say that you are hurt they didn't ask when you were free, that you didn't go to a conference so that you had 6 free available weekends in June/ July - so you feel very sad they didn't ask what dates you could do, as you would have loved to be able to celebrate with her. I don't think you should mention anything else for now.

I have lost someone suddenly who I was very close to, and their birthday and anniversary hurt for a long time (not a family member though). I did not plan for it to hurt, it was not a conscious thing. The first year, it actually knocked me sideways as I wasn't expecting it. It does lessen, but it is a fact. Of course, it will hurt, and it's better to embrace the pain on that day than hold it in and it comes out in other ways, as it does need to get out, it's a just a way of grieving. You have done brilliantly so far Smilie, so please embrace all the successes of the past 2 months and even several years, whilst they were hard, you got through them and your brother, I am sure, would be very proud of you.

[OutWithTheDogs]

We have a family death anniversary on the same date as my birthday and we just 'do' both on the same day. I have a conversation with the wife of the deceased reminiscing and consoling etc then we go on to the 'yay' it's my birthday bit of the conversation. It might sound odd if you listened to us but the sentiments are all good.

[MidniteScribbler]

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to go to a nightclub on the anniversary of his birthday. The date aside, it's completely understandable that you don't want to go to any nightclub on any night. But what you can't do is dictate to others how they decide to spend their time on any particular date of the year. You can choose to participate, or you can choose to decline.

[MerryMarigold]

HELLO! It's not whether clubbing is a once in a lifetime experience. It's not whether the friend has been offhand about her brother's death.

The 'best friend' and bridesmaid did not care to ask OP when she was free over a 2 month period. If the OP had said I am only free one weekend and this was a weekend others couldn't do, fair enough. As it happens, OP had a lot of availability but wasn't asked.

[MerryMarigold]

So no-one thinks it's polite to ask those close to the bride when they are free to go out on a hen night? Especially one that does not NEED to be a specific date.

[Smiliestar87]

My boyfriend knows the bride and bridesmaid well and is gobsmacked with how they have handled the situation. He says he can fully understand why I am so upset about what is going on and says he will support me no matter what I decide to do.

He said he is amazed that the bridesmaid didn't even ask for my availability at any point for arranging a date. I am the only one in our circle of mates who works weekends/shifts - everyone else works 9-5 office jobs in finance/county council jobs - so he thought I would be one of the first people they would check.

I am an F2 on surgical attachment - just applied for Core Surgical Training to commence in August so don;t know whereabouts I am going to be from then yet. I think I find out in March and I will probably get the rota in July/start of August like last year.

[Smiliestar87]

availability wise - I can make 6 out of 10 weekends!

[MidniteScribbler]

So no-one thinks it's polite to ask those close to the bride when they are free to go out on a hen night? Especially one that does not NEED to be a specific date.

The OP is not a bridesmaid. She's a close friend and wedding invitee, but not close enough to be invited to be a bridesmaid. Regardless of the OP's feelings, I don't think anyone outside of the bridal party and immediate family need to be consulted about dates, otherwise you would never find a date that could suit, especially taking in to account birthdays of deceased relatives of those invited. You set a date, send invitations, and people can choose to attend or not.

[wannaBe]

Op, there is a difference between marking those dates as significant and actually allowing those dates to set back your recovery every time they happen, to the point that there is upset if others have significant happenings on those dates. Iyswim.

The fact is that things will always happen on those dates, and it is, in the nicest possible way, unreasonable to expect others to change their plans on those dates.

It is reasonable to expect that you might not want to attend something on the anniversary or your DB's birthday, but unreasonable to think that they would change those plans so that you could attend on a day when you might not be upset.

You may have a baby one day and that baby may be born on one of those dates. Or, someone you know may suffer their own loss on one of those dates. You need to find strategies to deal with your own emotions at these times rather than hoping everyone will be able to accommodate.

[TheClacksAreDown]

A couple of thing that stand out for me here:

• Sounds like you feel your brother’s death has not only “cost” you him and at points your mental health, but has compromised your future career options given your reaction to the exam on his birthday. So I suspect you feel that nobody is really “getting” the point for you but I also wonder, if you’ll forgive me, whether this is leading to you bundling the issue on the date up into a bigger thing that it needs to be – at some level would you be feeling disloyal to your brother or that your exam problems were being minimised if you felt able to go out on the date?
  
  
• Those who haven’t suffered difficult bereavements can underestimate how long the hurt lasts – they may not say it but may be thinking “that was years ago, why are you letting it rule you now?” I should say that I suffered a very traumatic bereavement a few years ago and the first couple of years were very tough on the relevant dates, but it eased a bit each year for me.
  
  
• Your job is clearly very demanding regarding hours and often leads to not being available on specific dates. Earlier in my career I worked extremely long hours, although in a different job, and found it hard to commit to events. I ended up seeing a lot less of friends than I would have liked and they started to expect me to be unavailable. So I suspect that those arranging started with the mind set that you probably wouldn’t be able to come and if you could it would be a bonus. After all, you’re not currently sure you can actually make the wedding, are you? Whereas I suspect you were expecting them to come to you with proposed dates for the hen do and take your availability into account. But don't assume that just because the others do more office based jobs that they are available every single weekend too.
  
  
• They’re clearly going with this date, hurtful as it may be. I can’t see there is any mileage in doing anything but putting on a brave face and looking to do something low key and separate with the bride, particularly if you end up being unable to make the wedding.

[MerryMarigold]

Smilie, I think AIBU is a difficult place to talk about such sensitive subjects as death and grief, especially if you have depression. I would stick to the support of your boyfriend, but don't dwell on this situation for too long. It may be complicated, for example that your friend has pulled back a bit from you because she doesn't know if you can make the wedding. So many 'possibilities'. It may be just that with distance, work etc. the relationship needs to change/ has changed already. Things do change, but the process of that happening can be quite painful. Look after yourself and try and do something more today than watching your thread!

[MerryMarigold]

Midnite, OP considers herself the best friend of the bride. She is not a bridesmaid (are there even several?) as it is possible she can't make the actual wedding. I really don't think we need to get nitpicky about 'the wedding party' if you are a close friend. I asked all my close friends (about 8) when they were free. If none of them are working weekends, it is likely they would be free on most of them, this far in advance.

[Doilooklikeatourist]

I don't think YABU to not attend the Hen Do ( which doesn't sound much fun to me anyway )
Can you try and celebrate your brothers life on his birthday and remember the good times ?

The Bride is being a bit thoughtless in her response to you , but as others have said the date isn't a significant one to her

[BaronessEllaSaturday]

MerryMarigold I do think that when people are free can be discussed but the op shut the bride down when she asked about a particular weekend by just saying maybe I don't know That was the point to say I don't know about that one but I will be free on such and such for definite. When the op answered I don't know for that particular weekend without offering an alternative it would be reasonable for someone to believe that she just didn't know her availability at that point.

Op I'm having to deal with someone in the depths of depression at the moment and it doesn't matter how much effort I make or what I say it is wrong but I know it is wrong because of the depression not because of what I am doing or saying. Your friend sounds like she is trying not to put pressure on you as she understands what you are going through I do wonder though that if she had pressured you into going by changing the date you would also have resented feeling like you were forced to go clubbing. Sometimes there is no right answer.

[leghoul]

I think - anniversary reactions can be unexpectedly enormous, as can stress relating to medical school exams, so combining them both must have been very traumatic for you after the death of your brother. I think it might help you to have some more help, for example talking therapy?
You've done so well to achieve what you have. I actually agree that you should not feel obliged to do anything especially on days that may be particularly upsetting. However, it may also be okay sometimes to do something on those days, with a toast to your brother. But you must take care of yourself and it sounds as though that environment won't be good for you at the moment. I don't think the bride has been unreasonable, and I think it's fair to assume from your initial comments and from your work that you would have limited availability anyway. I think try and get together with her yourself another time, eg a treat for her, and don't feel you need to explain/apologise about missing the hen night.

[NinjaClaws]

Agree with Rhodabull about the weird date thing suggested by the counsellor. Very odd! Was this a counsellor you see via the University?

It's ok to grieve and to take whatever help you need and for as long as you need it. It's understandable that the pain is still raw for you and you have chosen to focus on those feelings on particular dates and so would rather not join in with others. You friend obviously accepts this.

However, I do think YABU by expecting everyone else who is particularly close to you to give your brother's death the same level of importance.

[Smiliestar87]

There is one only bridesmaid - the mutual friend.

Within our close circle of mates there are only 3 others - all of which I have found out this morning were asked in advance to check their availability before the date was set.

I might be overreacting but I am gutted that the same courtesy wasnt extend to me 'by the bride and bridesmaid.

[NoahVale]

can you just ask her to have a special celebration for the two of you another time?

[Smiliestar87]

Yes councillor organised via the medical school who I meet with once a week for several months. She was really good and had given me loads of good advice that has really worked :)