Best friend is arranging Hen Party on my dead brother's birthday

[Smiliestar87]

So I will try to explain this as clearly as possible….apologises if I ramble but I am really upset about this and need some advise about what to next.

My best girlfriend of almost 10 years is getting married in September - very exciting news!

I am a massive tomboy and she is without the closest female friend I have ever had. We met on the first day of college and just hit it off straight away. We have been backpacking together just the two of us and when there is significant drama in my life she is the one I call.

Unlike me she has lots of girlie mates and has asked one of her ex-housemates to be her bridesmaid, who I am also mates with but just not as close.

Now I am a very busy person. I am a trainee surgeon and work normally at least 1 weekend per month and do weird shift patterns due to night work etc. In addition to that I have to attend loads of courses and training outside of my work hours meaning I am often busy when my mates organise socials with little notice.

During medical school my brother died suddenly. My best friend was one of the main reasons (alongside my boyfriend) that I was able to complete my medical degree and qualify as a doctor. She really has been there for me.

Now the issue I need help with……

Bride texts me asking if I am free on a particular weekend in July. It's my brother's birthday and I have been suffering with depression over the last six months which I have kept secret from everyone except my boyfriend. I panicked and said it was only a maybe because of work. I didn't want to stress her out as I know how stressful wedding planning can be.

Over the next 72hrs I realised that I needed to tell her the truth - that it was because of my brother and no other reason.

I don't know what I was expecting but she basically replied…...
"oh well there will be other nights out"

I also contacted bridesmaid to double check if this was the date she had allocated and explained why I couldn't come. She said she knew my brothers birthday was around that time but that the date was fixed and as my availability is so poor she can't change it.


I literally feel heartbroken. I have been crying daily since this happened on Tuesday. I just feel absolutely shattered.

I don't know what to do. should I speak to the bride again?? Should I leave it??

Any advice would be amazing :)

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Totally understand not being good company and finding certain times hard

Had tears this week already and not even sat yet :(

Agree no way is right or wrong - but to me sounds like via the counsellor that op feels she can't go on hen do as on db birthday

I understand the eve /drink bit for op - tho to try and do day activities would be a compromise as this hen has been something she's looked forward to doing

[Rdoo]

I would try and go although I wouldn't be good company as I find certain times of the year very hard. That said, I can understand how the op couldn't face it.

My preference would be to spend the night at home in quiet reflection. Your preference might be to go out and raise a drink to their memory. No one is right or wrong.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Not everyone is like me. But this thread is for opinions and I sadly had deaths of close People and that's why I say life goes on

Also sadly tomorrow doesn't always come so live life for today

You have circumstances like op

If you got invited to a one off occasion you wanted to be at via your best friend but was on your db birthday (and sorry for your loss) would you go?

[Rdoo]

Good for you blondes but you need to understand not everyone is like you.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

That's my personal opinion that life goes on - two people who mean the most to me died - my mum almost 2yrs ago and my dh

My dh died 5yrs on sat and the first year was horrendous - but I'm a black /white person - sink /swim

I chose to swim

I had to make a new life for myself as no choice

I miss him terribly but he wouldn't want me to for example - miss out on one of my best friends hen do that I've been looking forward for ages as falls on his birthday - he would want me out there enjoyin myself

Raise a glass to him in his memory

[Rdoo]

Thing is life goes on. It has to or no point in us living

Having fun laughing etc on a date doesn't mean we don't care anymore or don't think about them - it's just us carrying on with life

Well done you, that will shake the grief and depression out of the op. All her problems are solved now.

Op, I lost my brother a couple of years ago too. It was sudden and he was young, it sounds very similar to your brother's passing. I completely understand where you're coming from but I think you need to take a step back from this thread because most people do not understand the complexity of grief and depression and a lot of the comments are unhelpful. Only you can assess the relationship with you're friend but I'd urge you to wait until you are in a better frame of mind. I've learned to not trust my own judgement during my dark periods.

[EponasWildDaughter]

Sometimes it's the bluntest posts which are the most helpful IME.

I posted under a diff name a couple of years ago about a very upsetting situation. Received lots of posts full of sympathy which was nice, but i cannot actually remember any of those accurately. The ones i still remember and the ones which helped me see clearly what i needed to do at the time were the ones which were very blunt and to the point.

[BackforGood]

Nobody has been cruel
Nobody has been 'kicking the OP while she's down'.

The OP has asked a question on AIBU, so that she can gauge opinion from lots of other people who are not 'in the middle of' the situation. The majority of replies have offered sympathy, but then kindly let her know that she is reading situations that are not about her, as being about her. Lots and lots of people have acknowledged the depression and the grief and extended their sympathy.
Some posters who are more eloquent - have written some excellent posts. I think don'tyouopenthattrapdoor must have taken an age to write out all that really thoughtful post to try to help the OP understand that there are different ways of looking at the situation.

It really is very lazy to just scream and shout and insult posters because you don't agree with what they are saying. Nobody on this thread has been nasty and it's ridiculous to say they have been.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

I don't think they have been cruel. Sometimes
Blunt

Op did post in Aibu. She asked for options and got them

Could have posted in chat or relationships

Thing is life goes on. It has to or no point in us living

Having fun laughing etc on a date doesn't mean we don't care anymore or don't think about them - it's just us carrying on with life

[Iggi999]

"Helping someone" doesn't always mean "telling them what they want to hear".

[sykadelic]

I too am surprised by a number of these posts (the cruelty in them) but many people simply have no experience with depression to this level, or traumatic loss.

I think the crux of all this is expectations (on both sides) and communication failure.

Expectations:

• You'd been excited about her hens night for ages so you were upset that you now couldn't come and tried to find out if there was any way to change the date
  
• You expected to be consulted or have many dates suggested as she had done for previous events ("She is normally the type of personal who organises things 18 months in advance via doodle polls and then send colour coded invites to remind you nearer the time."
  
• She expected that it's been long enough it wasn't a big deal
  
• You expected you meant as much to her as she does to you
  

Communication failure:

• When planning was coming up you could have texted/e-mailed the dates and said "I'm available all June/July except X as that's DB's anniversary"
  
• She could have asked people for "definite no" dates (she doesn't HAVE to though)
  
• You were told the bridesmaid had asked others their availability when you're the only one who works different shifts
  

Basically you felt like you were deliberately being singled out (with you not being asked and others being asked). You thought that you'd be given options of dates (as you had previously).

Her letter was upsetting for you (though you haven't expressly said what she said), she didn't apologize for the confusion or your upset (or attempt to understand your "side" at all and why you were feeling so vulnerable and upset) but she still tried to find a way to have you involved. I understand that's still hurtful because she still (in your mind) had time to change the date to one that you could attend, but she didn't.

I don't doubt that she's being single-minded right now (as you are as well) but weddings are also ridiculously stressful (which I've got no doubt you meant by "wedding drama"). You've got 2 sides of family to deal with, and navigate, as well as friends from both sides. There's also the financial side while trying to have it be fun and not too expensive (and individual and "you"). You have so much going on and it seems to come so fast so you're rushing around trying to get stuff sorted out and organized.

I would send her a text myself, now, and just say "I'm sorry. I'm still in a pretty bad place at the moment and shouldn't have taken it out on you. I wish you and X the utmost happiness and I hope you have a wonderful day. Hope we can catch up after the wedding to clear the air a bit".

[Dontyouopenthattrapdoor]

Oh OP. I am so sorry for your loss. 

I do think your grief and depression and trauma have understandably left you viewing this through a very one way lens. Could you imagine this OP from your friend's side?

"My best friend's brother died suddenly two years ago in traumatic circumstances. It was awful, horrific, and I tried my best to be there for her, we all did. We helped her through as best we could.

Flash forward and I'm getting married this summer. She has a really busy job that involves shift work, she's not sure she'll be able to make it. I texted her the date of the hen do and she wasn't sure she'd be able to make that either. I tried to understand, and got on with planning and confirming the other attendees. It was only going to be a night out after all.

She then told us that the reason she couldn't come was that it was her late brother's birthday, and that the evening venue would remind her of his death. I wish she'd said that sooner. We'd confirmed with all the other attendees so changing the date at that point realistically wasn't an option. I tried to make her feel better about not coming by saying we'd have other nights together but I don't think she understood.

She said she would have been up for doing stuff in the daytime, not just that particular evening venue. So as planning continued, we went ahead and booked a hotel for some daytime stuff too. We included her in the group messages about it but then she pulled out of the day completely. I was really hurt.

Since then she's been messaging and ringing me demanding to know what order stuff was booked in, in floods of tears, apparently she's been crying for weeks over it. I lost my temper in the end, and said some things I regret about it not being my fault that her life is shit but she really pushed all my buttons. I feel like she is expecting all the support and attention to be one way. I do get the trauma she's been through. I've supported her through so much and I always would, but am I really being so unreasonable here?"

[MeDownSouth]

Some people who've commented have clearly not been through depression from bereavement (or even depression in general). I think you've done better than I did in some wedding circumstances (non-traumatic bereavement here). Reading your early posts it's clear that it's the depression doing most of the reacting and, like you, only my OH knew and if you're not/haven't been involved with it on a daily basis, it's easy to dismiss, especially as depression is different for everyone.
I'm glad you're in a better place now and while you've fallen out with a close friend I wonder if it'll be hard to try to salvage something at the moment without making her more stressed? Apologising, even if only to try to make peace might make her think she is having to deal with your drama (as pp put it) so I get why you want to wait. Maybe it would be best to let the dust settle and later on, after the hen do, get in touch, even if it's only a wedding card. That way you'll (hopefully) be in a better place with the depression, the offending event will be out of the way, and you both might have calmed down enough to talk properly (if either of you want to).
Just my 2p worth..

[pictish]

I think it would be best if you leave things to settle before writing that letter. I honestly don't think anything you send would be well received at the moment, even a straight apology. I think she's sick and tired of you at the moment and my guess is she won't want to hear it. For now.
If you give it time your words will have context and seem more genuine. Sending anything to her now is just going to be perceived as yet more of you. Leave her alone for a bit then write that apology.

In the meantime can I kindly suggest perhaps seeking out another, better grief counsellor? I think you could use a knowledgeable and sympathetic hand to help you along your grieving process.

I do hope things improve between you and your friend in the end.

[NotQuiteJustYet]

- These are for you Smilie, you've been through a hell of a time.

For what it's worth, I have been recently married and I absolutely would have moved heaven and earth to make sure all of my friends were accommodated for at my Hen.

The fact she has known you for so long and knows the emotional significance and implications of the date after you spoke about it, yet still chose that weekend tells you everything you need to know about that person. You don't need poison in your life.

I'm glad to see you're doing better, the tone of your posts from the start of this thread to now has changed to someone who has located her inner strength again. Well done

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Agree you have been friends for years and she was always supportive

Write a letter. Say that you are sorry for what has happened. Say you find this time emotionally hard (I am always more tearful this time of year , with dh anniversary this weekend) and you value her friendship and sorry how things are now

Then say you would love to spend time celebrating her hen do - whether joining in with daytime stuff (if you really feel you can't go to drinks and clubs in eve) or suggest a meal/spa the two of you

[DementedUnicorn]

You STILL don't get it. IT didn't kick off. YOU did. You still can't admit you behaved badly.

OP I genuinely feel for you and your situation but I find you exhausting on an Internet forum - if you're like this in real life I'd of snapped well before your friend. I'm out

[AppleyName]

I think this is salvageable, but you do owe her a sincere apology.

If I was her I'd be devastated. I don't think you've considered how your actions are coming across to her at all.

[Katieve75]

It's always a date I dread. He's been gone for nearly four years now but still, everyday, I think of him.

However, last year, instead of enclosing myself in another headf*ck day of rembering how much I miss him, my other brother and I decided to challenge ourselves - me, a half marathon and him a massive cycle ride. This helped so much. I trained but unfortunately developed a medical condition so couldn't take part but my other brother cycled 100 miles for a charity that supported others with the same issues my departed brother had - both events were on his birthday.

Surrounding yourself with people you love and/or care for the same things you do make the day much easier to deal with. As a person who has also suffered from depression, I wouldn't allow myself the time to spiral further into the pain. Get out, go to the hen night, find the positive no matter what. No other people appreciate the burden of grief that me and my family experience everyday but why would they? He was my brother, not theirs. I don't expect people to reorganize life because of my grief. Embrace your friend's happiness and use it to support yours.

Plan your day, fill it with as many uplifting things as you can, including the hen night. It's hard to do and takes courage and determination, but do try.

Much love.

[Smiliestar87]

I am genuinely sorry that I have upset her.

Up until all this kicked off at the end of January I had been incredibly supportive of her wedding planning - from hearing about venue choices and discusses pros/cons, engagement party, talking for hours about menu selection and how her first wedding dress session went. I was (and still am) really happy for her!

I left the whatsapp group after another girl (girl she knows from work who is due in June) left so I thought it was the right thing to do.

It might seem selfish to wait until my depression has improved but if I had contacted her in the midst of it I don;t think I would have done our friendship justice. Plus I probably would have just cried loads……not helpful for clear communication.

I think about it over the coming weeks and write her a letter. Proof read it and then post it. If she responds positively then we can take it from there…..if not well I will have the memories.

[JessicaRuby]

I think it would do you good to write her an apology letter OP, but if I were you I wouldn't get my hopes up about it having a positive reception. If I were the bride I would have had it up to here with you making my wedding all about your grief.

You must be making her feel like her wedding is actually causing you psychological harm

This is spot on and I don't blame her for cracking up.

[emotionsecho]

It's a very sad situation all round, however, I'm going back to an earlier post of yours when you said something along the lines of the bride booking her hen on such a significant date, in the gentlest possible way - the date may be significant to you but it is not, and nor should you have expected it to be, significant to her or any of the other people attending the hen do, I think this is possibly why the bride has snapped.

You've now effectively dragged the bridesmaid into this mess by making her feel guilty about the date selection, that's not fair as it is likely to impact on the bride and her hen do and ultimately wedding.

Unfortunately, this could have all been avoided if you had communicated much earlier with the bride about dates you couldn't make and there was no reason to explain why you could not make any of those dates, it is unfair to load guilt onto the bride for picking a particular date that held a significance for you but none for her.

Let the dust settle and then write a calm and well thought out letter, please don't use the letter to reiterate the fact that you think she should have attached the level of significance you do to your brother's birthday.