Best friend is arranging Hen Party on my dead brother's birthday

[Smiliestar87]

So I will try to explain this as clearly as possible….apologises if I ramble but I am really upset about this and need some advise about what to next.

My best girlfriend of almost 10 years is getting married in September - very exciting news!

I am a massive tomboy and she is without the closest female friend I have ever had. We met on the first day of college and just hit it off straight away. We have been backpacking together just the two of us and when there is significant drama in my life she is the one I call.

Unlike me she has lots of girlie mates and has asked one of her ex-housemates to be her bridesmaid, who I am also mates with but just not as close.

Now I am a very busy person. I am a trainee surgeon and work normally at least 1 weekend per month and do weird shift patterns due to night work etc. In addition to that I have to attend loads of courses and training outside of my work hours meaning I am often busy when my mates organise socials with little notice.

During medical school my brother died suddenly. My best friend was one of the main reasons (alongside my boyfriend) that I was able to complete my medical degree and qualify as a doctor. She really has been there for me.

Now the issue I need help with……

Bride texts me asking if I am free on a particular weekend in July. It's my brother's birthday and I have been suffering with depression over the last six months which I have kept secret from everyone except my boyfriend. I panicked and said it was only a maybe because of work. I didn't want to stress her out as I know how stressful wedding planning can be.

Over the next 72hrs I realised that I needed to tell her the truth - that it was because of my brother and no other reason.

I don't know what I was expecting but she basically replied…...
"oh well there will be other nights out"

I also contacted bridesmaid to double check if this was the date she had allocated and explained why I couldn't come. She said she knew my brothers birthday was around that time but that the date was fixed and as my availability is so poor she can't change it.

I literally feel heartbroken. I have been crying daily since this happened on Tuesday. I just feel absolutely shattered.

I don't know what to do. should I speak to the bride again?? Should I leave it??

Any advice would be amazing :)

Despite what it may seem I have not tried to create drama. My posts on this thread are poorly worded and can be misleading but I really have gone out of my way to make sure that that I haven't ruined her hen.

I left that whatsapp group politely and wished them all a good time. I haven't spoken about it to any of our many mutual friends bar two (Bridesmaid and another very close friend).

I haven't made any social media posts in the last 4 months.

I came on this forum initially back in February just to try and vent in a 'safe space' where I wouldn't hurt anyone - the bride in particular.

She wrote me a letter saying about how she chose the date at random and was sticking with it as she has paid a non-refundable deposit. I was upset but I waited for my boyfriend to come home and we talked it through for a few hours. He defended the Bride and said she probably booked it before knowing the significance of the date and said that if that was the case it would all be an innocent, albeit upsetting, decision.

I contacted her saying look I'm sorry about being so upset but am I right in thinking you booked the hotel before you knew it was DB's birthday? ….. and that's when she exploded…. and made it clear that she booked it after we had talked about the significance of that date in late January.

My boyfriend was speechless. Especially when she sent more abusive texts at 5.30am on a Saturday morning which woke us both us (I really need to learn how to put my phone on silent!)

I do feel bad about it - it took me several days to even pluck up the courage to tell her about my depression as I was so worried about upsetting her and it's all just spiralled since.

I will apologise for any upset and stress I personally have caused but I don;t know if now is the right time. My gut instinct tells me to leave it until after she is married.

Nobody thinks you are trying to create drama. Or that you want to create drama. Just that you have created drama.

Unable to speak? Four days of crying? Hours of discussions with your boyfriend and again with Bridesmaid? That is Drama Central. It's exhausting. It's a total overreaction.

it would all be an innocent, albeit upsetting decision.

You've said this twice now and you still don't seem to get why it's unreasonable. There's no question of innocence or guilt here. She has 20 people to consider who all have their own priorities and dates and she isn't "guilty" because she knowingly chose this date. She isn't guilty because she invited you knowing you wouldn't come.

You had no right to ask her all that stuff. You have your boyfriend in your ear telling you you're completely in the right but you have a thread full of independent people here telling you you can't insist she picks her date to prioritise you.

OP: I think depression is the issue.

Technically I have been to a hen night... Mine. I invited some friends out for dinner prior to my wedding. I called it a hen night because I didn't know any better. I thought we had a nice evening, just chatting in a quiet restaurant until they closed at 11pm. I've no idea what anyone wore. I imagine everyone paid for own meal (was that wrong too??)

At end of the night my best mate exclaimed "That's the tamest hen night I've ever been to!" Which is when I realised I had somehow done it wrong.

Still confused what people expect from a 'hen' do. Seems to have A LOT of expectations attached, whatever it is.

lljkk - call me old and boring but your hen night sounds ideal to me.

So you confronted her after she had booked the hotel This is the point where you tried to make it about you and not the bride and the other 18 hens. I imagine she felt you were trying to guilt trip you. If you were trying to avoid drama then you could have chosen not to say anything.

Anyway, you are now saying her texts were abusive so I guess it's time to move on.

I think I'd have exploded if the OP kept on about it.

Sorry for typos

lljkk

That sounds good! I know everyone has different ideas and tastes but ultimately its about spending some quality time with you closest mates :)

I contacted her saying look I'm sorry about being so upset but am I right in thinking you booked the hotel before you knew it was DB's birthday?

Ok, I'm going to assume that you really just aren't getting it and that you're not being deliberately obtuse.

As Hold says, the very fact that this required hours of discussion is where the over dramatics comes in.

But aside from that, what did you hope to achieve by clarifying it? Even if she had known it was his birthday, why should have have impacted on her decision?

If that date worked best for any number of reasons, WHY bring it up hours later and question her like that??

I am afraid I think you've made a hash of this - in an ideal world you'd have just suggested the two of you celebrating together at a date which worked for you and let her get on with her hen weekend. To be honest I still dont really understand why this didnt happen.

Anyway if she really means as much to you as you have described in your opening post then I'd try to get things back on an even keel. Forget the hen weekend - you had your reasons, she had hers. You both communicate incredibly badly it seems.
Send her a bottle of something fizzy on her hen night - or on her wedding day - write something nice about her and wish her well. AND MEAN IT!

You might then be able to pick up your friendship again sometime in the future.

I will be honest I didn't think it through - contacting her about the deposit.

My boyfriend knows the Bride well and was so sure it had all been a big misunderstanding that I didn't give think that the would be any other outcome than me apologising for being so upset and us moving on from the whole thing.

I do understand that many of you think it was unreasonable to expect someone to avoid a traumatic date for a close friend but many people have also said they would. I know that I would have changed it for her if the tables were turned as I would want her there for the night.

My depression has played a bit part in it all - and I can see that now I have improved and I work hard to manage it and minimise it's hold over me in the future.

She exploded because you questioned her reasons for booking on that date. By asking if she booked it before you knew it was db's birthday what were you really saying to her? Because she's taken it as you saying 'if you booked it knowing it was his birthday, then you have done a cruel thing'. That's why she's lost the plot. Because you've accused her of doing something cruel.

Your grief is massive and all consuming to you, but that is exactly how she feels about her wedding. Her headspace is filled with the ups and downs of wedding planning and keeping everyone happy. Yours is filled with the grief of losing your db. Neither of you are wrong. Neither of you are capable of seeing the other's point of view because you are both consumed by your own different stresses.

Hindsight is wonderful but useless. In future, just turn down an invite on that day and let others get on with it. Don't think they haven't prioritised you so they don't care. Just let them have their happy moments. All sorts of things make a certain date necessary: the other hens could all make that date and only that date maybe.

Also, people cope with others' grief differently and that is ok too. The bride can't cope with yours on top of her wedding planning. She'll have her own personal reasons for this.

What you need to do is leave this situation to settle. She needs to concentrate on her wedding, which she wants to be happy and memorable. You need to concentrate on your grief and recovery. The two seem to be incompatible at the moment.

Don't reply now in the heat of the moment. Let you and her have space to cool down and process what has happened. She wanted your support, you wanted hers but neither of you were able to give it to the other. It's sad for you both but can be redeemable if you stop and deeply consider each others' view. And that doesn't mean rearranging the hen. You should do something with her another time if yo get to that point.

Nobody thinks you are trying to create drama. Or that you want to create drama. Just that you have created drama.

Unable to speak? Four days of crying? Hours of discussions with your boyfriend and again with Bridesmaid? That is Drama Central. It's exhausting. It's a total overreaction.

This ^ completely.

Thank you ricketytickety. I think you are completely right.

Unable to speak? Four days of crying? Hours of discussions with your boyfriend and again with Bridesmaid? That is Drama Central. It's exhausting. It's a total overreaction.

It's not a total overreaction to the traumatic bereavement and its aftermath that the OP describes. Shrugging her shoulders and saying "oh well, let's move on" would be very strange and worrying.

x post. Yes, depression can make you think 'but why don't they think about me? Can't they see how painful it is?'

Your counsellor can talk you through why the bride has not been able to prioritise your needs. It won't be clear to you because you are very hurt.

Actually, from the sounds of it, your counsellor seems to be feeding the drama a little bit, by encouraging you to place so much significance on the dates, instead of helping you develop healthy way to remember your brother as well as getting on with your life.

That's just personal opinion based on what you've written, of course.

But any cousellor worth his/her salt would be working toward lessening the drama and heartache in your every day life. Not indulging it.

You created a drama. She snapped. Both of you failed to properly appreciate the other person point of view. Not the finest hour for either of you.

Fact remains though that she has been your best friend for many years. Fact remains that she is getitng married, and that your actions, whether fully reasonable or not, have upset her so much that she has not invited you to the wedding.

The ONLY elegent course of action is to
A) hope she has a happy time, and accept the damage has been done and move on, AND
B) write her a heartfelt letter that expresses how much her friendship has meant to you over the years and how much you have loved her for her kindness and her friendship. Write that also you wish her well with her wedding and her life. Then apologise that your actions have upset her, and tell her that you never meant to cause her any upset, especially at a time of such imprtance and celebration. And then tell her that you hope she has a truly fantastic hen do and an amazing weddng.

Having done the first part, you really need to do the second. People say stuff in anger that cuts deep. People get the wrong end of the stick. People get so wrapped up in the rightness of their own point of view that its a struggle to see beyond it. Both of you are guilty of all of this. Writing a letter that doesnt try to justify your view, doesnt try to explain what went wrong, but merely wishes her well is the only grown up thing to do.

Then go and live your life. Nothing will be lost by writing such a letter, and it isnt a climb down because all you are saying are things that you have expressed on here, and you are not asking for anything. You will have done the right thing and will feel better for it. If she then does the right thing and responds with love, you will feel better for that, too. And if she doesn't rspond then nothing is lost and you wont carry any doubts nor develop any guilt moving forward.

OP, you are over-talking and over-thinking the whole situation. This will not help your depression.

Op this friend has been there for you massively through the difficult times. From your initial post she seems like a real, genuine friend and it's a shame that you couldn't return this friendship. It's her wedding and you could have handled this situation so much better.

Off course she snapped, because you made this entirely about you without giving thought that it's a special time in her life and you could have been there as well. You made her out to seem like she was a thoughtless, cruel person when your first op is the exact opposite.

You want to get in touch with her once you moved and in a better place in your life. That's very selfish. Why contact her only then? I do think you should meet her and apologise for all this, as she seems like one of those friends who really stood by you and got you through the hardest time.

I think in not wanting to draw attention to yourself you are drawing attention to yourself. For example you politely left the whatsapp group - no need to flounce/do this. Just ignore it and delete the messages. But you had to draw attention to it and make it all about you.

You're getting a hard time here but it really sounds like you're not listening.

Thank you both WalterMitty & Cheesemaker

I never realised that what my old counsellor was not advising me in the way that clearly others would have expected - you're not the first comment on that. Thankfully I don't see her anymore as I'm no longer at university.

The depression took over me in a way that I just can't explain. It is not like me to cry for 4 days straight - that really was the depression. I look back at that period now and feels surreal. If the exact same thing happened today I would have handled it very differently and with minimal crying. I am a "crier" when I am upset - I'm not someone who gets angry and shouts - but that period was particularly bad.

I think a well thought out letter will probably be my best course of action. Whilst I seem to find the right words in professional situations which as emotional charged, I struggle to talk openly and clearly about my own feelings. A letter will be the best way to apologise unreservedly.

Write the letter for yourself as much as for anything else.

Write it so that she knows your actions weren't a reflection of your feelings about her and your friendship.

Write it with no ulterior motive. If she can move on from it, then that's a bonus (and it sounds like you can come back from this based on your friendship in the past). Write it for closure and so you know yourself that you righted any wrongs you may have done.

Most of all, it's a good way for you to end that chapter where you were at a very low point in your life. And that's a good thing.

It's not easy to drag yourself out of a pit like that, so well done.

See I really don't think you should write her a letter at the minute. This is because from your posting you seem to be unable to actually understand that YOU were unreasonable and YOU created this drama . I can only envisage you being able to send a letter saying I'm sorry but but but and I only did because you....

If you are going to say sorry it needs to be genuine without still trying to justify yourself.

I am not planning to put any conditions or justifications. Just a clear, unreserved apology