Best friend is arranging Hen Party on my dead brother's birthday

[Smiliestar87]

So I will try to explain this as clearly as possible….apologises if I ramble but I am really upset about this and need some advise about what to next.

My best girlfriend of almost 10 years is getting married in September - very exciting news!

I am a massive tomboy and she is without the closest female friend I have ever had. We met on the first day of college and just hit it off straight away. We have been backpacking together just the two of us and when there is significant drama in my life she is the one I call.

Unlike me she has lots of girlie mates and has asked one of her ex-housemates to be her bridesmaid, who I am also mates with but just not as close.

Now I am a very busy person. I am a trainee surgeon and work normally at least 1 weekend per month and do weird shift patterns due to night work etc. In addition to that I have to attend loads of courses and training outside of my work hours meaning I am often busy when my mates organise socials with little notice.

During medical school my brother died suddenly. My best friend was one of the main reasons (alongside my boyfriend) that I was able to complete my medical degree and qualify as a doctor. She really has been there for me.

Now the issue I need help with……

Bride texts me asking if I am free on a particular weekend in July. It's my brother's birthday and I have been suffering with depression over the last six months which I have kept secret from everyone except my boyfriend. I panicked and said it was only a maybe because of work. I didn't want to stress her out as I know how stressful wedding planning can be.

Over the next 72hrs I realised that I needed to tell her the truth - that it was because of my brother and no other reason.

I don't know what I was expecting but she basically replied…...
"oh well there will be other nights out"

I also contacted bridesmaid to double check if this was the date she had allocated and explained why I couldn't come. She said she knew my brothers birthday was around that time but that the date was fixed and as my availability is so poor she can't change it.

I literally feel heartbroken. I have been crying daily since this happened on Tuesday. I just feel absolutely shattered.

I don't know what to do. should I speak to the bride again?? Should I leave it??

Any advice would be amazing :)

i totally get that night clubbing kind of evening would be a trigger....could you suggest to bride that you and other bridesmaid maybe have a spa day(or something you would all like to do) on another weekend?...Hen nights are not all they're cracked up to be imo

x-posted with you OP. If you feel better for letting her go with good wishes then good for you. And your plans for July sound lovely

Hygge

Yes, I do think unpleasant sums it up for me. She is behaving very unpleasantly.

I don't think the bride has done anything wrong at all. I think she's been a patient and caring friend based on your own account of her.

My guess is that she has tiptoed around you a lot during your friendship because of your (understandable) tragedy and she really wanted you to support HER during this time. Actually be happy for her instead of being another person she has to worry about. Instead, I think - due to depression and plain bad luck re the dates - you basically needed her support even more and she decided to withdraw from the friendship.

That sounds like the best outcome for both of you.

ApplePaltrow

did you read all the posts? Or just this final page?

Wow Smiliestar, just goes to show how sometimes you never really know someone. I hope your day with your family goes well, and you can remember the good times you all shared.

Thank you for the update - and I'm glad you have some form of closure to this, just sad that the outcome is as it is

I bloody hate hen - do's and will literally do anything to avoid them. Not that I'd ever ever want a reason like yours obviously. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I really don't think you'll be missing anything 'special'. I mean, how meaningful can a night out getting shitfaced in a club ever be?

Can I make a suggestion? As you are such close friends, you could arrange a second low key hen 'event' on another day/evening. Something with a bit more meaning? The hen - do I enjoyed the most involved females of all ages in the family, a cream tea and absolutely no alcohol on a sunday afternoon. Listening to the old aunties and grannies telling their stories about their weddings was lovely.

Hen-do's in night clubs are horrific (imo) as it is and it sounds like you have absolutely no desire to go to one anyway. Don't put yourself through it.

Oh blimey, just read the entire thread with your update! Sod the 'meaningful' hen do!!

Weddings often bring out the worst in people. What a heartless woman.

Hope you are feeling better about it all now.

I've just remembered a quote from one of my favourite authors:

"Have you ever heard the phrase, Living well is the best revenge?" "Where I come from, someone's head in a bag is generally considered the best revenge".

Given that the GMC allegedly rather frowns upon decapitation, your update (sorry for earlier cross post) implies you're doing the right thing.

Oh, and your boyfriend sounds like a keeper.

OP, my best friend lost her brother tragically too, on a night when we were celebrating not far from where he died. She has spent years grieving for him (which is normal) and I've spent years consoling her and helping her through it. I can honestly say it is really tiring to support someone through the same thing over and over again but it's what we do when a friend is grieving. I am just thinking that maybe your friend is at a point where she has had enough of supporting you and thinks you could have tried at least to put your issues to one side and help her celebrate.

I'm not saying she is right to do so and it's not something I would ever do on my friend because as tiring as her depression is at times, she is suffering more than I could ever imagine and helping her through it is the least I can do for her.

Your friend has been really cold towards you on this occasion but maybe she's just had enough of looking after you and having to think about your needs before she does anything in her life. I know you say your friendship was 2 way but maybe she didn't.

Take care of yourself and try not to let this set you back again.

I cant find an explanation for the way she said it, which was harsh, but I do somewhat understand her sentiments. She has been there for you throughout your med school depression, and through the grief in the past. She may well have not had any other day (I've organised hen parties, they are awful! Perhaps her own Mum could only do one weekend in July etc)

Additionally my DF died on my DB's birthday. We had to get over keeping the day for his remembrance only for the sake of my DB (only 9 at the time) so while I do understand wanting to keep the day special, from her point of view she may not possibly know how much this affects you when others don't 'hold' on to the days so vehemently.

She is still trying to get you to come along, so she wants you there despite what she has written in the letter. She may be thinking, I've been there for you all these years, for this one thing just be there for me. It's very hard looking after a friend with depression. I know your career (rightfully so) means so much to you and affects your private life, it doesn't mean as much to her and why should it. She can't work around you every single time.

I'm so sorry, what an awful result. I really feel for you.

Until this all kicked off in January none of my friends (including the Bride) knew I had been battling depression. My only support had been my boyfriend, who has been absolutely amazing over the last decade despite all life has thrown at both of us.

She has not had to look after me or my depression at all. I went consciously out of my way to be cheerful and supportive when with her over the last 2 years specifically.

I don't understand why someone would be so horrible. There are loads of messages - not just one or two - but over 30 over a 24hr period.

"its not like my hen do with bring him back"

"why are you ruining my happiness?"

Why would someone act like this? I have deliberately been as considerate as possible to all those attending the hen do - bridesmaid, all the other girls - I just don't understand why she would act like this.

I just see a lot of interpretation in what the OP writes, how insensitive the messages were etc, didn't get a sincere apology. I do not believe she is viewing any communications through clear eyes, and hence its hard for us to know how insensitive the woman is actually being.

X posts obviously!

Smiliestar87

I read the entire thing. Honestly, the thought of losing one of my sisters makes me feel sick even to think about. I cannot know your pain. I cannot even fathom it.

So let's be clear: I am NOT saying that you need to accommodate her feelings in any way.I just don't think SHE did anything wrong. You keep stating that no one knew you had depression. I find that unlikely. When I found out I was depressed, pretty much all my friends knew because people are actually fairly bad at hiding their feelings.

And you also point out that she supported you so much that you couldn't have gotten through med school without her. Is it possible that (with the depression skewing your memories) you are now minimizing everything she's done for you?

Also, there does seem to be a pattern of you not really communicating well with her.

• you felt bad for 2 years but pretended to be fine

• you cancelled a trip to NY for a hen party but didn't tell her
• you kept 5 weekends free for the hen party but didn't tell her
• you couldn't do the date suggested but replied back "maybe" instead of just saying immediately that the date was not ok

Like I said, my guess is that she wants to get married without feeling guilty and being made to feel like a terrible friend. You want her to cancel her hen night, swallow 700 pounds and move the entire thing to another day even though there are 20+ people attending.

She may even subconsciously fear that you would need her to spend the evening making sure you are ok.

I think the best thing is to end the friendship. That way both of you are able to find friends able to give you the level of support that you need. You don't need someone in your life who can't support you and neither does she.

Apple, OP is not saying she wants the bride to be to change the hen night?!

You make good points ApplePaltrow but I feel that you have been slightly one-sided.

As a junior doctor I was moved over 100 miles away from the Bride (nature of job allocation) so over the last 2 years I have only seen her face-to-face every couple of months.

My depression became a major issue in September and over the following few months I worked very hard not to 'put on a happy face' when I start the Bride. She was got engaged in October and I wanted to be excited for her - we talked about her, the dress, the food, the venue etc. I really am happy for her.

At their engagement party in November I was told the hen do was likely to be late June/early July by a drunk Bride and Bridesmaid - hence keeping the dates free. When I was approached about the New York trip I turned it down (I can always go in the future) but my good friend's hen do was my main priority.

Not being honest with her initially is my only regret. Truth is I panicked. I didn't want to make it about me nor worry her about my mental health.

I have never ever wanted her to not have a hen do! I want her to have a great night but I don;t understand how she has gone about it.

*to put on a happy face

Oh Smile. I don't know where to begin...
I have been bereaved by murder (my Dad) so I understand the horrors of the phone call, the family liaison officers, the mortuary, the press, the inquest, the trial...and then trying to live your life when everything you thought you knew becomes different. Of course being in a nightclub on your brothers birthday is horrifying and abhorrent. I absolutely understand.
Obviously Bride doesn't. And you know what, I'm not surprised. Until you've joined this fucking awful club of the traumatically bereaved, you just can't. You can't. And in a way I'm glad she doesn't understand because the fewer people who know this type of pain, the better becease i wouldn't wish it on anyone. Does it help at all to think that she's not callous per se, she just doesn't get it?
I really hope you're ok. PM me if you want. Thinking of you xx

It is hard to be friends with someone grieving.

It is hard to be friends with someone with severe depression, whether or not they are open about it.

And it is really, really hard to be friends with a junior doctor.

She reached the limit of what she's prepared to give you. I think she wanted everything to be about making a fuss of her this time. It's childish but every communication you've made with her will have made her feel like no, it's about you. And she felt a bit childish and angry and so she lashed out.

She's not your friend any more. A better person might still be. But unfortunately friendship can't weather everything, even if they're between two quite nice people - some stuff just tears people apart and some things once said don't get unsaid.

I think it has been difficult for her to be your friend, but that does not mean you are a bad person, or a selfish person, or someone undeserving of friendship. I just think that she, while quite nice, reached the limits of her compassion and had a childish footstamp moment. And you don't have to forgive that (I doubt you, or I for that matter, could forget it).

This will sound harsh, but I think your mistake was to make the whole thing about you, your grief and your emotions, and now unfortunately you have probably lost a friend for good. I remember your original post from months back, and I think had you taken some of the earlier advice, things may have worked out more positively, because in all honesty you seem to be overly focused on yourself and your own needs and not those of others around you. Generally people can be selfish when organising their own weddings. There are usually many, many people to consider. As horrible as your loss was, it wasn't fair to expect her to organise her plans around you.

OP, I am sorry for your loss.

The group message from the bride was in February - and after receiving the group one, you asked her when she booked the hotel? Can you see that might have come across as a little demanding? Also, you mention that you told her you did not want to communicate further - did you respond to any of her other messages? If she thinks you don't want to speak to her, she is hardly going to invite you to her wedding.

It may be that this friendship has - unfortunately - run it's course for the moment. It may not be working for either of you at the moment. I hope it works out for you both in the future.