Best friend is arranging Hen Party on my dead brother's birthday

[Smiliestar87]

So I will try to explain this as clearly as possible….apologises if I ramble but I am really upset about this and need some advise about what to next.

My best girlfriend of almost 10 years is getting married in September - very exciting news!

I am a massive tomboy and she is without the closest female friend I have ever had. We met on the first day of college and just hit it off straight away. We have been backpacking together just the two of us and when there is significant drama in my life she is the one I call.

Unlike me she has lots of girlie mates and has asked one of her ex-housemates to be her bridesmaid, who I am also mates with but just not as close.

Now I am a very busy person. I am a trainee surgeon and work normally at least 1 weekend per month and do weird shift patterns due to night work etc. In addition to that I have to attend loads of courses and training outside of my work hours meaning I am often busy when my mates organise socials with little notice.

During medical school my brother died suddenly. My best friend was one of the main reasons (alongside my boyfriend) that I was able to complete my medical degree and qualify as a doctor. She really has been there for me.

Now the issue I need help with……

Bride texts me asking if I am free on a particular weekend in July. It's my brother's birthday and I have been suffering with depression over the last six months which I have kept secret from everyone except my boyfriend. I panicked and said it was only a maybe because of work. I didn't want to stress her out as I know how stressful wedding planning can be.

Over the next 72hrs I realised that I needed to tell her the truth - that it was because of my brother and no other reason.

I don't know what I was expecting but she basically replied…...
"oh well there will be other nights out"

I also contacted bridesmaid to double check if this was the date she had allocated and explained why I couldn't come. She said she knew my brothers birthday was around that time but that the date was fixed and as my availability is so poor she can't change it.

I literally feel heartbroken. I have been crying daily since this happened on Tuesday. I just feel absolutely shattered.

I don't know what to do. should I speak to the bride again?? Should I leave it??

Any advice would be amazing :)

She doesn't have to apologise for arranging her hen knowingly on your brothers birthday though.

She is allowed to have it whenever she likes. A lot of the 20 people invited will have significant dates to them. The bride is allowed to plan this event for that date and she isn't a bad person for arranging HER hen party to suit HER.

And she doesn't have to apologise for continuing to invite you. I think this is another example of miscommunication. I have been on hen party whatsapp/email groups where girls in Australia were invited! Nobody expected them to travel 24 hours and pay thousands of pounds to attend. The invite was symbolic to represent that they were much wanted even if their circumstances meant they couldn't come.

That was what the bride meant by inviting you. You are making a mistake expecting her to apologise for having her hen on that date and extending you an invitation.

An apology for snapping and saying your life is shit and you blame her for your brothers death is DEFINITELY in order. But you also owe her an apology for grilling her about how she chose her date, and very unreasonably expecting her to plan her hen party with you, not her, as the priority.

Read full thread and sorry for your loss op. I do think however that you have been unreasonable. As someone said , better than me, I think bride did her best and you seem to have found it v difficult to communicate with her , for v understandable reasons.

If it wasn't for the tragedy in your life, you'd have given 5 mins head space to going or not going to hen party. I do wonder if it was a bit difficult to be your friend, as it seems that your job, your circumstances must take precedence over others. We all feel like that sometimes but can generally see when we ate being unfair.

I've ended friendship once, and probably coming more from a slightly similar approach to brides, where over time and a long time, the other person couldn't ever move from her being the priority always.

Anyway I hope you continue to do well in career, and depression improves.

It's just a hen night... what's so special about hen nights (ok, I have obviously never been to one). I gather they comprise of women getting very tarted up & very bladdered. The more obnoxious the behaviour the more people enjoy it. I don't even understand what the appeal of any of that is.

You can get bladdered & tarted up other occasions. Or see her for a nice sober lunch out. Which would be a lot more quality time anyway.

Some hen parties involve being tarted up (lovely way to describe other women), bladdered, and obnoxious. Many, probably most, do not. I have never been to one where people were obnoxious or drunk to the point of illness or incapacity. And I've been to a LOT at this stage. My friends aren't like that. I don't judge people who do want to do the OTT tacky thing.

I think this is one of those circumstances where the MN wisdom, though probably technically logical and correct, is going to make you look like a socially maladjusted weirdo if you actually follow it in real life. On MN, wanting a traditional hen party makes you Bridezilla. Weddings that are more elaborate than a hole in the ground beside the village hall make you Bridezilla. No MNer ever made a fuss over anything ever. MNers are permanent martyrs and happy about it, thank you.

In the real world, a hen party is a chance to make a big fuss and appreciate someone you love. Someone who is a good person who has been a good friend. It's not a summons, if you can't make it, that's fine and it would be wrong to make you feel bad about that. But it IS all about the bride. It is a chance to make a fuss over her and show how important she is to you.

(Am I projecting here a bit? It was my little sister's hen party last weekend. She is an amazing person. She works her arse off putting other people first. I feel very lucky to have had a chance to show her how much I and all her friends appreciate her.)

So if you get an invitation and you can't make it because the date is to significant, or because of an NHS rota, the option is only to say "I'm so sorry, I wish I could make it but I won't be able to come." (You could offer to do something just the two of you but that's not required).

But it isn't, IMO, socially acceptable to say "I can't make it. Why was this day chosen? When did you pay a deposit? X date suits me better, can we prioritise that?"

You are not the priority at a hen party. The bride is the priority. On MN, that makes her a selfish Bridezilla, but in the real world, it's fair enough.

Bride comes first, and if you aren't able to make it, that's fine, nobody should give you a hard time, but you don't get to interrogate people about why someone else's hen party isn't prioritising you.

Tarted up?

Nice.

I guess the biggest lesson I will take from this (other than to communicate more clearly) is that people will always surprise you.

I genuinely do this from her point of view and talked it through with the Bridesmaid over several hours. I understand why she is upset, annoyed even possibly mad at me. I understand that she is stressed and has 'wedding fever'. I can see the logic behind most of her actions - I just thought she would be more sensitive especially after we had a massive talk about her wedding drama and my depression.

I never could have predicted what has happened over the last few months - I started 2016 with her hen do (and hopefully wedding depending on my new job rota!) being 2 of the highlights of the upcoming year.

My depression is much better at the moment and my main focus will be keeping it that way whilst trying to maximise time I spend with family & friends. I have struggled to see all my loved ones over the last 2 years due to work commitments but I plan on making an even greater effort.

I start a new job in a new city in August and the boyfriend is moving across the country with me. We are really excited for the next chapter in our lives and hope that I can chalk this whole episode up to experience.

Hopefully after she is married there will come a point when we can talk about this face to face over a coffee but I think I should respect her and give her space at the moment. I don't think contacting her now would help the situation.

Regardless of everything that has happened I do want her to be happy and enjoy her special day.

" I don't think the bride has done anything wrong at all. "

What... nothing at all...? Not even the bit where she sends 30 texts berating op for still not coming to hen do... ?

I think that sounds a bit unhinged irrespective of the op's circumstances actually.

You seem as though you're not reading posts at all.

Very odd.

No offence OP, I think you have communicated some of this less than clearly and that's partly why you are getting the responses you are getting.

This is key for me "It turns out however that she booked it after we had talked about it and just expected me to come anyway"

That's the bit I think some people - not all - aren't hearing. As I see it, you are fine with her booking it on that day, but you can't make it, which (another member of trauma bereavement club here) seems fine to me both ways. Actually a bit not....I wouldn't choose to have a hen or wedding on a date which was traumatic to my best mate, but there you go.

She should be fine with you not going and I do see this as an another example of "my wedding is all about me and everyone else should drop stuff because it's so important". To that end, I'm afraid I would say this is no loss. A so called best friend who thinks you should attend a hen do on a difficult day is no friend.

the other posts you have made with extra information, while underlining what a tough time it is for you, I don't think the bride - as apparently a very close friend - should need that information herself, and as a reader of your situation, I certainly didn't need it.

Anyway, good luck going forward. I see that you bear her no ill will and hope it resolves in whatever way you wish, but I am not sure what the value is of a friend like this tbh!

I am reading them - it's just I don't know what you want me to say.

I never demanded to know how she picked the date etc etc - the Bride wrote that in a letter to me which I never asked her to write.

The only thing that upset me was her ignoring the significance of the date in the way she handled everything. I know it is all about her but that doesn't give her the right to be insensitive. You can still be the star of the show and be nice about it - several of my other friends have managed it when they have been Brides in the last few years. I am not saying it is easy but it is possible.

Ok you've already had a big talk, sorry I've missed that. Did you apologise too?

Maybe she will realise after the wedding and the excitement and stress has died down, that she's been unreasonable. Maybe not if she feels she's given more than she needs to and not got enough back. Only time will tell.

You sound as if you are dealing with things positively. You have a lot to look forward to with your boyfriend. You will never forget db but it will get easier. All the best for the future.

You're not taking any responsibility for your part in it though, and that's unfair.

You have painted yourself as a victim in this and a victim complex won't get you very far.

I don't mean to be overly harsh but it sounds like you're a bit of an emotional vampire and that's a lot for someone to take on, especially when they have huge events in their own lives.

You still don't think you have done anything wrong do you.

I have taken responsibility for poor communication (even evident on this thread) and that I made a poor judgement call in opening up to her about it and expecting her to understand. I shouldn't have expected her to.

I definitely don't see myself as a victim in any form.

Oh my God!

It's not about expecting her to understand, it's about you understanding that you and your needs don't always trump everybody else!

You've created a HUGE drama surrounding her hen night and there was just no need for it. But instead of feeling sorry for it, you're using the fact that she finally snapped and called you out on it as a reason to pin it all on her because she's not the person you thought she was??

Is she never allowed to lose it? To say things in the heat of the moment?

You've totally skimmed over the questions about why you couldn't attend the hen day activities, I think because they don't fit into the picture you've painted of you as the poor, ostracised friend and she as the bully bride who has finally shown her true colours.

I'm saying all of this because you remind me a lot of my sister who does herself no favour with her attitude, her neediness and her constant quest for attention because her sickness and needs trump all. And this is while my younger sister was getting married and another sister was battling a life threatening illness.

You need to grow up a little bit, I think. I genuinely believe you'll be happier as a person and a better person to be around if you can look outside of yourself for a while.

You sound so manipulative. "It was bad judgement to expect her to understand I'm devastated about my brother's death" (no, it wasn't, she should have understood, but "understanding" didn't mean rearranging the whole thing). "I wish her the very best (but she has no compassion and no heart and I don't want someone like this in my life)".

She wrote you the letter because you were so upset when she spoke to you you couldn't speak.

She didn't insist you come. She just continued to invite you despite knowing you wouldn't make it. Because to most people, extending the invitation anyway is a way of expressing "I wish you could be here even though you said you can't". Miscommunication again.

She is not a bad person for knowingly inviting you on a difficult day and saying she wished you would "change your stance". If those were the exact words she used, they weren't as sensitive as she could have been but she has a lot to organise and the sentiment ("I wish you could be here") is not nasty.

but you've made up your mind, you're cutting her off, you have nothing to apologise for, she's a bitch, why is anyone bothering?

This isn't "her wedding drama". This is YOUR wedding drama.

Manipulative. Exactly.

I don't know what to say other than I am sorry about the whole issue. I should have handled it better and things may have turned out differently if I had just said nothing.

And I'm sorry for your personal circumstances Waltermittythesequeal

I think a big "sorry if I've done anything to upset you, I don't want to fall out over thus. It's your day. I know I'm upset but I shouldn't let that impact on your day" apology is needed.

I never demanded to know how she picked the date etc etc

See, this contradicts what you've previously told us, which is that you and your boyfriend agreed you "should get more information" after receiving the letter, and that you sent her a "series of texts where I asked her about the hotel deposit". And it was after that series of texts she lost it and very cruelly said that your life was shit and you were blaming her for your brother's death.

She owes you an apology for that. But you owe her one for pushing her and pushing her and not prioritising her on her own hen night. I know it's the depression that makes it hard to put somebody else first - that's fine, I'm not trying to say you're a bad person - but if you aren't capable of doing that, it isn't up to her to bend over backwards for you this time. All you had to say was "I'm really sorry but I just can't make it". And if you wanted, you could have offered to take her out just the two of you.

But you created this drama. Not her. You. And she eventually snapped.

Thank you , but I really did only bring it up to highlight how lost in yourself you can get IYSWIM.

You sound like you've been through the mill but you're not a bad person, I'm sure of it! I just think it would be a shame for you to lose this friendship because you can't see the wood for the trees.

OP I am very sorry about your DB, I can't imagine what y went through and are still going through. Especially being medical, you would have donned the hat of supporter/looking after the family and nt looking after yourself.

But there are things on your side that haven't helped.
The bride didn't know it was the anniversary and you were praying. If she had texted you the following day, you would not have said you couldn't go and left the group. They can probably understand the anniversary of death, not birthday, it's just they haven't experienced it.

She didn't know how much effort you put in to keeping the day free. "Probably late June/early July" doesn't mean not end of July at all.
Maybe there was only some dates that half the friends could make/the bride could make. Yes you should have been included, but if you've not been showing the positive vibes about going prior to the decision making, it might be why you weren't included.

I think the bride has just wanted to have her day and not rearrange anything for you for a date she doesn't understand the significane of.

The not sending you an invite seems the next course of action when you said you didn't want any more communication.

If you want to continue the friendship, please send her a letter apologising and explaining why you freaked out, and that you know it's not her fault/problem and can they meet up for a coffee to clear the air.

blondes, waltermitty and tonydanza speak much sense.

It's not just poor communication though is it? Its the fact that you believed she was wrong not to change the date of her hen do and that she was wrong to include you in the whatsapp message (that made to cry for four days) and left the group then cried when she tried to speak to you 4 days later. You wanted her to put you first when she has 18 other 'hens' to consider. You have only thought about this from your point of view.

If all the texts that she sent you were as bad as you say then the Bride is obviously totally out of order but that doesn't make your behavior OK.

This thread gives the impression that you are very dogmatic in your thinking and have trouble seeing things from other people's points of view.

Everyone messes up especially when they are young and under pressure. You have had an enormous amount of stress. Your brothers death is obviously the most awful thing to cope with but to do that whilst at medical school is an incredible achievement. The fact that your mental health has suffered to the extent that you were feeling suicidal in November is not a suprise really.

You could have avoided all this upset and drama so easily. When she asked about the hen do date you could have asked if they could avoid the date of your brothers birthday, when the date came up as being on the date of your brothers birthday you could have said 'thanks so much but I can't make it how about us getting together for drinks another day' and when they included you in the whatsapp message you could have replied 'thanks for the info, I still can't make but I hope you have a great time' It would be so simple. No DRAMA or hard feeling by anyone.

You seem to see the hen as having some massive significance when it's just a night out. It isn't worth all this unpleasantness.