Best friend is arranging Hen Party on my dead brother's birthday

[Smiliestar87]

So I will try to explain this as clearly as possible….apologises if I ramble but I am really upset about this and need some advise about what to next.

My best girlfriend of almost 10 years is getting married in September - very exciting news!

I am a massive tomboy and she is without the closest female friend I have ever had. We met on the first day of college and just hit it off straight away. We have been backpacking together just the two of us and when there is significant drama in my life she is the one I call.

Unlike me she has lots of girlie mates and has asked one of her ex-housemates to be her bridesmaid, who I am also mates with but just not as close.

Now I am a very busy person. I am a trainee surgeon and work normally at least 1 weekend per month and do weird shift patterns due to night work etc. In addition to that I have to attend loads of courses and training outside of my work hours meaning I am often busy when my mates organise socials with little notice.

During medical school my brother died suddenly. My best friend was one of the main reasons (alongside my boyfriend) that I was able to complete my medical degree and qualify as a doctor. She really has been there for me.

Now the issue I need help with……

Bride texts me asking if I am free on a particular weekend in July. It's my brother's birthday and I have been suffering with depression over the last six months which I have kept secret from everyone except my boyfriend. I panicked and said it was only a maybe because of work. I didn't want to stress her out as I know how stressful wedding planning can be.

Over the next 72hrs I realised that I needed to tell her the truth - that it was because of my brother and no other reason.

I don't know what I was expecting but she basically replied…...
"oh well there will be other nights out"

I also contacted bridesmaid to double check if this was the date she had allocated and explained why I couldn't come. She said she knew my brothers birthday was around that time but that the date was fixed and as my availability is so poor she can't change it.

I literally feel heartbroken. I have been crying daily since this happened on Tuesday. I just feel absolutely shattered.

I don't know what to do. should I speak to the bride again?? Should I leave it??

Any advice would be amazing :)

OP may I ask
You don't expect her to change her hen night
She mentioned money in her letters because she's having a hissy fit that she's paid deposits etc and included you in the amount she paid

I'm just asking because I really am puzzled by some of these replies, not sure if I got the wrong end of the stick.

Things can't be changed

Tho if ever happens again and somethings arranged on db birthday then tell that person

It's a sad fact but many people don't know dates of things like birthdays. Wedding anniversary etc

My dh died 5yrs ago this sat. Many of my friends are supportive but I was asked if I wanted a girls night out on sat. I said no. Said was dh anniversary and she was omg. I forgot. - a tad pissed off that they have forgotten the anniversary but that's life

I wouldn't expect someone to plan round me - on dh birthday but to me the anniversary of his death is different

If girls night out was arranged on dh birthday then that's different. I would go. Birthdays are for enjoying and celebrating - I'm sure db would have wanted you to do that

Friend is a bit Bridezilla tho maybe she invited you to wats app incase you decided to go and then had Info

Careless to send on anniversary date - she could of done day before or after but again that's life

If you didn't want to be disturbed then turn phone off

My heart really goes out to you OP BUT it reminds me of when I was depressed after losing my baby.

On his second anniversary my grandmother died. And I was silently FURIOUS with her. How dare she take away from my DS's anniversary! It was HIS day and no one else's yet I had to make sandwiches and small talk instead to honour gran. I was just still so raw from grief I couldn't accept that the world shouldn't stop for that 1 day.

Looking back now I can clearly see how I was U but it took a long time. I do feel that this is sort of the same but on a smaller scale re the hen night v death not your DB's death v my baby.

Her hen night/wedding should only have to take in her needs and wishes and voicing your annoyance may have came across a tad selfish

Lorelei I though the money was mentioned as she was saying she couldn't change the date as the deposit was paid, not that she was expecting OP to pay her anything. I could be wrong though as it's all very confusing!

OP, I am a consultant, and I am firmly of the opinion, due to my own career, that exam results mean very little, and less and less as the years go by.

I did poorly in my final meds, as my sister was very ill.

I never revealed that as a reason in interview, and after about two years, people stopped asking about exam results.

Sorry about all the rest of it, but I just thought I'd add that.

"Its not like my hen do will bring him back" is reason enough to cut her off imo.

I would feel the same if it was my sister, I am so sorry

I have just reread the thread and I still think you have got this all terribly wrong. I think you were wrong to expect her to change the date of the hen party. As you said in your OP she has lots of friends. There was nothing wrong with including you in the whatsapp group as she may have thought you might change your mind and I think your reaction to it will have come across very badly. To be hardly be able to speak because you were still in tears after four days is an extreme reaction. I can't imagine what the bride must have felt like.

There is nothing wrong with you feeling like you do and wanting to remember your brother but I think you've handled this badly.

Smiliestar

At their engagement party in November I was told the hen do was likely to be late June/early July by a drunk Bride and Bridesmaid - hence keeping the dates free. When I was approached about the New York trip I turned it down (I can always go in the future) but my good friend's hen do was my main priority.

But it doesn't sound like you told her any of this or that she knew in advance that you turned down a trip for a hen do. I understand why it was difficult to communicate so again, you haven't done anything wrong, but I think it puts people in a very difficult position.

Quick story.
I just attended a friend's wedding in which I was basically the only guest who flew in from abroad. The bride kept telling me "no problem if you can't make it". But I knew I was going to go because I really wanted to be there. So I talked to the bride a few months before the wedding and made clear - in a serious private conversation:

(1) how important it was for me to be there.
(2) how I was DEFINITELY coming NO MATTER WHAT and
(3) how I was making a huge effort to get there (16 hr flight/thousands of dollars etc).

Because of this, the bride checked in with me a lot more in the run up re the arrangements because they knew how much effort I was making to be there. They rearranged dinners etc so I could make it. I was a known quantity in their planning. I was not even the bride's best friend but she responded to the fact that I communicated early enough exactly what was going on.

My point is that it seems like at no point BEFORE the hen night was arranged did you signal to your friend that:

(1) It was very important for you to be at the hen night. Many people don't make hen nights and you are really busy. Since it is only one night out, she really may not expected that you could attend so didn't understand why you were so upset.
(2) That you were DEFINITELY coming NO MATTER WHAT. You literally texted back "maybe".
(3) How much effort you were making to get there For you this is the psychological pain and effort this event would take.

I just think your friend was a bit blindsided when this all blew up and probably in the run up to her wedding is just too stressed to be able to deal with this well.

Just to be clear, I am not IN ANY WAY comparing a bereavement to a plane ride.

Just to say that people often are able to work better with lots and lots of notice rather than they are forced to react to things. It sounds like even the bridesmaid who is now supporting you was very confused for a long time. That suggests that these issues felt very out of the blue for the bride.

It's sad that this has ended so badly. I think you were unreasonable earlier in your failure to communicate clearly with the bride. She has been unkind and unreasonable in her trying to persuade you to go and has behaved very badly in her reaction most recently.

If she has uninvited you to the wedding (rather than the invitation being lost in the post) I think that might be unforgivable. I might mention it to the nice mutual friend. Even if you didn't want to go, it would be better to decline than to never respond.

I think her question about you ruining her happiness is very telling.

She obviously feels that you've made it all about you and rained all over her parade.

You never did answer my question about the day activities but I guess it's irrelevant now.

I know the the situation is pretty unusual and some of my previous messages (in Feb) are poorly worded.

When I spoke to the Bridesmaid about it - she described it as a lightbulb moment. That for several weeks she could only see the Bride's point of view and thought I was being unreasonable. However she spoke to her mum about it (a neonatal nurse) and then suddenly realised how insensitive they had both been. She rang me up and started crying because she felt so bad. She apologised unreservedly and we cleared the air and are now fine.

Just to clarify the deposit situation.

I don't expect people to remember my brother's birthday and if she had booked the hen do BEFORE I had opened up to her about my depression and the importance of his birthday I would have to forgive her (wise words from my boyfriend) as it would have been an innocent mistake.

It turns out however that she booked it after we had talked about it and just expected me to come anyway. Given the traumatic nature of his death I just found this insensitive.

I think it's safe to say that some of you understand me and others can only see it from the Bride's perspective. The fact that the Bridesmaid gets it is enough for me to know that I am not crackers.

I'm not upset about being excluded from the wedding because, as I mentioned before, I saw a different side to the Bride when she sent those messages. I have blamed my brother's death on anyone - it's something truly awful that happened for no explained reason - and for her to turn round and say
"it's not my fault your life is so shit"
well that just not a person with compassion or even a heart.

I will never know why the Bride acted the way she did but I don't want someone like that in my life. It is too short to waste time in the company of people like that.

I wish her all the happiness for her hen, wedding and marriage.

From now on I will work on my other friendships including with the Bridesmaid (but obviously respecting she is Bridesmaid not pulling her into this anymore).

*have not blamed

I don't see why the bride would need to explain why she can't move the date. She may also have reasons, anniversaries, that she tries to avoid.

You may feel you have a busier career, but others will be just as busy - you just don't see that.

Unfortunately I think your illness is preventing you coping. Some people do look on situations differently. That's not wrong, neither is not wanting to party on that day.

The hen night is in July as the drunk bride stated June /July - Obv you know when db birthday was - but she wouldn't know

Do you know her siblings birthdays as I know very few of my friends siblings birthdays

Hindsight is an amazing thing - but when she gave you the date all you had to say was I cant do that date. Can we chose another

By saying maybe she took it as you possibly could be free. Probably then checked with all others and they could do it so she booked it then

The rest has now escaled and everyone is upset - she's over reacted but sorry to say you have too / by crying for 4 days over a group wats app

It was bad timing but sure wasn't done maliciously

it isn't her fault that you are having a tough time. If you had a heart you would not let your grief affect the happiness of others?

I think your counsellor steered you very, very wrong when she told you to make such a big deal of your brother's birthday.

It's unhealthy to be so fixated on your grief. You'll grieve, of course, but I don't think making such a massive deal out of it (for your own sake) is not the way to get you better.

I'm not saying go out clubbing, I'm really not. But it feels like it's not allowing you to move on.

And have to say b2b solution of joining for activities daytime but not doing club /drinks sounds a good idea

You get to join in - make even new happy memories on db birthday - but avoid the drinking club memories

That why she invited you to wats app group. Yes tough receiving text on anniversary but as I said that's life

I get many lovin texts on dh anniversary and also when my mum died 2014 I got lovely texts thinking about you last year but also got text from a friend asking if I could babysit for her 3 days later as she had double booked herself

I didn't think omg how dare you text me on the anniversary of my mums death and 1st year. I replied and said no problem

Op, you are upset and going through a very tough time. I hope you get some peace and help.

The bride is very upset too i would imagine, to obviously react and send those messages, i feel sorry for her that this time has been tarnished for her. She had done nothing wrong and is probably stressed herself. We are also only hearing your side, the bride's side would possibly sound a bit different.

I'm on the brides side I'm afraid.
Harsh as it sounds, it isn't her fault that your life is the way it is. This is her wedding day, it's one day that gets to be all about her and you're making it about you. If she's been so supportive the rest of the time I'd allow her this. I'd be pissed off too if I were her.

I think it's safe to say that some of you understand me and others can only see it from the Bride's perspective.

Actually, I think most people who have responded can see both sides. Because there are two sides. You both have reasonable points.

Honestly I'm getting the impression from the way you talk about the Bridesmaid and the way you've talked about your boyfriend before that being supportive to you seems to just mean agreeing entirely with your perspective. But people can be supportive even if they're saying "I don't think your approach to this is right".

It was NOT fair of you to give the Bride a hard time about when she paid deposits. She has every right to have her hen party on that day. She snapped at you because you are making an occasion that should be prioritising her, about you. That doesn't make you a bad person but she'd had enough and she snapped and behaved cruelly and childishly.

I would also point out that your perspective on this has already been proved incorrect several times - you thought there were only 3 other invitees, there are actually 20. And you thought it was just an evening nightclub do but there are actually daytime activities too (earlier in the thread it was suggested that doing those could be a compromise and you seemed to think it was a possibility).

As people have repeatedly said to you, this falling out was caused by poor communication and you are as much at fault for that as she is. Yes, she was very cruel when she finally snapped. But you are responsible for the bad communication and self-absorption (understandable though it is) that lead up to that final exchange.

As I said before, it's hard to be friends with a junior doctor with a difficult illness who is grieving. She's run out of patience and she was childish when she did. The friendship is just over.

You keep asking "but what sort of person would say such a thing?" The answer is "a girl who has previous been very kind but reached the limit of her compassion and patience and behaved petulantly when she did so (probably because she knows that wanting to be made a fuss of and centre of attention is a bit childish, but still understandable).

I'm a member of the bereavement by trauma club and I think YABU.
This is her day and you are making it all about you.
I don't expect other people to remember my DPs birthday and the anniversary etc. It's my grief not theirs. I fit in around their plans, if I don't feel I can join in I don't go.
It sounds like she gave everything and had no more to give. She needed a little back and you brought it back to you again.

What hold and king said

It seems the bridesmaid took a while to understand things however she isn't as emotionally invested as the bride. She got there in the end. It will be harder for the bride but she will eventually.

I think the bride does care about you and wants you there or she wouldn't have texted so much. She's having difficulty seeing beyond her own, I've been there for op, now I need her to be there for me on my special day, feelings. She's feeling defensive and guilty and this on top of the fact that like a lot of normally nice women she has turned into a bridezilla, has meant that you are both in deadlock. She thinks you should understand and vice versa.

She is probably really upset at how it has all ended, just as you are. Texting is no good. Can you arrange one last meet up and face to face talk about it? You can apologise for making things awkward for her but explain that you are so caught up in your emotions and grief that you can't help it. Hopefully she'll apologise too and you'll both hug each other and move on. Lack of communication is how you got to this situation. I don't think it's too late to remedy that. You managed it with the bridesmaid who you were initially more upset with than the bride.

It seems a shame to lose a really good friendship. You've both been a bit unreasonable but I can see both points of view. The bridesmaid now "gets" it. Perhaps the bride will be able to as well, but you also need to "get" her too. Apologies are needed from both sides I think. Even if yours is only to apologise for being so sensitive in your grief (understandably).

Give it a shot.

for everything you have been through.

"Hold me closer" is stop on. I would like to point out a different view. I have had a friend for 5 plus years. When I first met her she told me "That she is a giver not a taker!" She has suffered from depression for years and I have always been there. She has turned to drink and I have supported her, lent her money, driven her and her kids around when she broke her wrist falling down the stairs. Listened to her. Both her (elderly) parents died within a year or so of each other, again she had my full support.
I lost my 14 month old baby 10 years ago, my friend has no idea of when her birthday and when the anniversary of her death was. (Nor do I expect her to know).

My support is now running out, I have problems too, but because I don't share them, she seems to think I have an idylic time (and treats me so) It came to a head when she started putting loads of "What is a Narcissist?" post on Facebook. I asked her why, she said "You know, because you are one! You live in an Ivory Tower with fluffy slippers. I was unbelievably hurt. She then unfriended me on Facebook!

Op, all I am saying is that other people too have stuff going on in their lives. You seem to think that you are having a hard life and she isn't. You may have absolutely no idea!!!!