Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

You have been posting about him and his drinking for some time haven't you op? How much longer are you going to put up with his mistreatment of you?

Because I think she thinks she's invested so much time in this guy, maybe her biological clock is ticking, and having a family is on her mind so "better the devil you know"

I have my family days behind me, I'm single and don't want (prob can't have) any more dc. As a result what I look for In a guy is not the same as someone looking to have a family

I have a dear friend who has a partner with alcohol issues, they have a child. It's a bloody nightmare watching him fuck everything up, seeing the signs of distress in their child.

But Hissy anyone deserves better at any age...

I mean this guy is just horrible even if you were looking for a bit of fun.

"One rogue punch from a drunken idiot can kill "

Yes ..he is the drunken idiot.
Might kill you or someone else.

Assuming he carries cards etc you will get called by hospital or police if he kills or gets hurt so no point you calling hospitals or police.

That was kind of the point I was (not effectively) making.

If I have fewer expectations and less currency and I deserve better, then a young woman with the world at her feet certainly does not need to put up with this shit.

Hissy, that's kind of what worries me, as if you deserve less because of your age, you put "I" in bold! I see so many posters not valuing themselves on MN and winding up with shitty blokes as a result.

Oh for Christ sake! Just leave him!!!! He sounds AWFUL. Plus he clearly has no respect for u at all. Period.

Your only a year older than me OP and i just couldn't imagine putting up with this honestly. Your partner actually makes me feel a bit nauseous

Right. Just done a quick skim read of some of your past threads. He is verbally abusive when drunk. He is STILL MARRIED to his ex and hasn't bothered getting a divorce. Before getting into the relationship with him, you were in a physically abusive relationship.

Please, please, please get yourself some counselling, do the Freedom Programme, do whatever you have to do to get the self-respect, strength and courage to leave him.

PLEASE.

he has so many qualifies as a person with the alcohol being the ONE thing he does wrong.

Ummmmm I beg to differ:
He doesn't contact you to let you know change of plans.
He doesn't keep commitments to you - even very tiny ones like meeting for lunch.
He turns his phone off/ignores you.
He shuts you down re stuff you want/need to discuss "he doesn't want it mentioned again".
He stays out all night 3 weekends in a row and you don't know where.
The relationship is making you depressed (no surprises).
He then hassles you for sex you don't want to have (with HIM - no surprises there).
He thinks it's OK to piss and vomit everywhere on regular basis - what kind of benchmark is that?

As these are just "things he does wrong" I've gleaned from this thread.

To answer your question in the OP - What's the next logical step here?
Surely that is blindly obvious?

The next logical step it you gather up yourself, and leave him, and go be kind to yourself and figure out what has brought you so low that you would be prepared to put up with this "relationship" for any period of time at all?

Loving him isn't enough to make it worthwhile spending your only life with him. Honestly.
He's a loser.

I'm going to assume he is in fact an OK human being with some gaping blind spots. I'm going to assume he's just monumentally selfish and immature and not an alcoholic. These are the assumptions that inform this advice. You need to go to Relate or other such counselling. He needs to understand how his behaviour is unacceptable and you need to find ways to talk about your problems constructively.

I say this because you love him.

I'd still run run run run run for the hills then do a bit more running just to be safe.

I know if I was with someone who was out pissed and drugged up until 7-10am 3 weekends out of 5.... OH WAIT.....!!
I wouldn't be with him.
Simple as that.

OP you need to understand why you think this OK to put up with.
It's NOT you know.
It's NOT normal.
It's NOT OK.

Please get away and find yourself someone who is not an alcoholic and someone who wants to spend weekends with you.

I am assuming something in your upbringing means you are a people pleaser or a rescuer!!????

YOU CANNOT FIX HIM!
He's old enough to know better.

He really does NOT deserve you.
He will keep doing this.
He has no consequences to face.
You just let him sleep it off the next day and that's that. All back to normal.
No doubt you cook, clean, wash, shop and tidy for him.
So you are his little slave at home and he can go out and do what he wants.
FUCK THAT!!!

Get real and understand why YOU put up with this.

"he has so many qualifies as a person with the alcohol being the ONE thing he does wrong."

That one thing eclipses everything else and cancels out everything that is good about him.

I have looked at your past threads. Are you sure you love him or do you only feel validated when you have a man in your life?

He drinks and does drugs. He is verbally abusive and treats you with disrespect. Do you value yourself so little that you will put up with shit like this so that you aren't alone?

I notice on the other threads the overwhelming advice is to leave him, but you are still with him. Why? Loving a loser like him is a completely pointless waste of time.

Three things that leaped out at me from your posts, OP:

"he's done this three weekends out of five since Christmas"
Seriously? I know you said your idea of normal is screwed, but this is way, way beyond normal. I'd also guess that this is an increased frequency, which means he's getting worse.

"We've been together for six years and have no kids. I've just turned 31, he's 43."
If you think you may want to have children in the future, get out now. You do not want to waste all your fertile years with him.

"We had a discussion where he apologised for not texting me (which is the real issue) and he doesn't want it mentioned again."
He doesn't want it mentioned again ? Who died and made him god? You can mention it as much as you damned well please! I absolutely concur with Rabbit's translation - "Shut the fuck up love. I'll do whatever the fuck I want. Do not say another word about it. Why? Because I said so, bitch. Do as you are fucking told."

This man is showing you no respect at all.

One last thing, I could be way off beam here but when you posted "On paper, my relationship looks like a train wreck" - is there more to the train wreck than his drinking? I just ask because I knew someone whose relationship was very dramatic at the start, lots of problems to overcome, etc. - and when the relationship stabilised and just wasn't working because really they weren't suited - she hesitated to stop the relationship. It was as if, having overcome all these obstacles, she felt she had to stay, almost to justify the dramatic start. Sorry, struggling to put my thoughts into words here, but the way you expressed it made me wonder if there's other stuff going on.

There is a lot wrong and a lot right. It's difficult to explain.

As another poster mentioned, I have posted about him before because he has form for being aggressive after drinking (NOT violent) and being a bit of a twat sometimes with regards to his "needs".

Good things: he's a good father, he unfailingly supports his ex and kids with no quibbles and gives more when needed, we share the same love of homeliness, cuddles and humour. He is happy most of the time and has a lot of friends who love him. He's very intelligent, great at his job and a real grafter.

He's a nightmare on the drink and doesn't know when to stop. I have this awful feeling when we go out that we're about to get to the "twat" point of no return and it's like his face even changes subtly. It's bizarre. I don't feel safe when he goes out because I know he will be drunk when he comes back; drunk Steve is awful and it makes me feel vulnerable as I've usually been tucked up in bed for a few hours when he comes in. I've started pretending to be asleep when he comes in to avoid any "I'm so unhappy" arguments from him.

He goes out without me a lot on a Saturday because I'm prefer to go out on a Friday when I'm pumped up from work. I chill more on a Saturday with The Voice and a pizza. He has cabin fever by Saturday night and needs to go out and blow off some steam.

He ALWAYS apologises for any twattery the next day and is very generous with cuddles and love. That's my weak spot.

Sorry again for delays in getting back. At work at the moment. :) I'll check back through the afternoon. I don't mind home truths at all.

A previous poster is correct, I have only had two boyfriends in my life and my previous relationship was very dysfunctional and abusive (him, not me although I didn't cover myself in glory during that time either).

I do probably have issues with people pleasing. My dad has bipolar and a lot of my childhood was spent trying to please him and make him happy. So, my "normal" is off centre really. I love my dad though and he's much better these days.

He's not called Steve by the way, I was going to say "let's call him Steve" rather than DP.

So many things are right about him and I do feel like i'm making a mountain out of a molehill with this sometimes. It's all so downplayed by him during the week. Do you know what the irony is? He stays in ALL week with three cans of Strongbow to drink per night and hates going anywhere or doing anything. It's like he saves it all for the weekend.

I am very much in love with him but I don't want to spend my life like this, leaving him would hurt so much though.

He's not generous; he can't even be arsed getting off the sofa at half four in the afternoon to spend time with you.

In which way is he generous? You know that nice men also give cuddles? That don't come with a side order of alcoholic twattery and whining about the lack of sick, whilst pissing in their wardrobe?

OP, what do you think about "he doesn't want it mentioned again"? What went through your head immediately after those words came out of his mouth? What did you think, what did you feel?

See, we've given the OP loads of good advice on this thread. We've given the OP loads of good advice on her previous threads.

So, what is the deal, OP? Why do you keep coming back with more worries or questions, just to hear the same response time after time and yet do nothing? Do you secretly enjoy the drama or using these incidents for attention on Mumsnet?

Because, clearly, you don't like the answers we keep giving and keep coming back? Do you genuinely think we're all going to turn round this time and say "oh, he's a lovely bloke".

Sorry if that sounds blunt, but seriously, I just don't get it any more. I know sometimes people are totally blinded, but when you are constantly confronted with an almost unanimous front about this bloke time and time again and the worries he causes you and ignore it, you sometimes think someone actually doesn't want help. Or won't take it until something really nasty happens - but better to avoid that now, surely?

Do you know what the irony is? He stays in ALL week with three cans of Strongbow to drink per night and hates going anywhere or doing anything. It's like he saves it all for the weekend.

So, just to put that in to perspective ... if we assumed 3 cans of Strongbow per night for 6 nights a week, at 2.2 units per can, that is 40 units a week WITHOUT binge drinking on top on Saturday.

Men should drink no more than 21 units of alcohol per week, no more than four units in any one day, and have at least two alcohol-free days a week.

He stays in ALL week with three cans of Strongbow to drink per night
Wow! I am assuming they are pints.
So he has 15 pints of cider during the week and you think this is OK?
If you said 3 cans to drink per week I'd not bat an eyelid.
I like a drink. Don't get me wrong but add to that what he probably drinks on a Saturday night (I would say 1 pint every 1/2 hour to 45 minutes).
Work that out. I expect he has around 30 pints per week. That is a lot and it is a HUGE problem.
Can you remember an evening in the last few months where he has not had a drink?
Does he drink on Sunday as well? After the hangover has gone?

You need to up your relationship bar - massively.
As a PP said - do you want kids?
If so, get out now and do it quick.

In the meantime, get onto Al-anon and have a chat with them. They help partners and families of alcoholics.

Who's house is it? Rented? Mortgaged?

Aargh, why no edit function on here?

Sorry - meant to say that current advice is that 'Men should drink no more than 21 units of alcohol per week, no more than four units in any one day, and have at least two alcohol-free days a week.'

So whilst you seem to think three cans of Strongbow on a weeknight is angelic, it does seem clear that he does have a fairly significant alcohol issue.