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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

487 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 09:09

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 01/02/2016 14:42

I am monumentally shocked that you're 31 Grape.
In my head I imagined you were nearer 60, downtrodden and frightened to be on your own. Grateful that even an arse of a man would spare you some crumbs of his time, entirely on his terms.

Now I feel so sad. You're 31 and this is absolutely no life.
All his decent qualities seem to be for and with people who don't live with him and all his negative or appalling ones are saved for home Hmm Think about that.

You need some very blunt home truths or this is your future, only it will go further downhill. Even if you did have counselling, I see nothing but misery for you, I can't see him changing, he already wants everything his own way, even telling you not to bring things up. There is no saving grace in your posts that I can see. Do you really want to be with someone whose positive quality you describe as ALWAYS apologizing for their behaviour. Wouldn't you rather spend your time with someone who only needed to apologize occasionally?

You can feel love for someone you know and not find it possible to live with them or sustain a romantic relationship.

LovelyFriend · 01/02/2016 14:42

3 cans of Strongbow a night is 45 units a week - that's before any blowout or additional drinks.

www.drinkaware.co.uk/understand-your-drinking/unit-calculator

Current "guidelines" are 14 units per week.

He's got a big problem with alcohol.

Gruntfuttock · 01/02/2016 14:42

With every post from the OP, this thread gets sadder and sadder. It's obvious she's going to continue to put up with this man. What a waste of a life.

ChristmasCabbage · 01/02/2016 14:43

My dad used to do this when I was younger.

Not very often the pissing and puking but most weekends he'd go out on Saturday night and get in Sunday morning still pissed at about 8am.

My mum tried to shield me from it and seemed content to put up with it because my dad was a 'man's man' and that's just what men do.

I hated my dad with a passion. It didn't take me very long to get over his death when I was about 13. I think if he lived, I don't really think I'd want a relationship with him now as an adult.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/02/2016 14:45

What a waste of a life
Absolutely - it's very very sad indeed.
Sad

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 01/02/2016 14:47

I keep posting back here because I want to change and "woman up". I'm not a drama llama I promise. I'm just finding it difficult to reconcile my immense love for someone with the fact that they make me unhappy a lot of the time.

I don't want to put up with this anymore, I know it's wrong. It's why I'm posting. I'm building up the strength to say: no more.

Sorry for communicative difficulties. I have moderate ASD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 01/02/2016 14:48

I'm angry with myself. I really am.

This is the year I get off my arse and live my life, I swear.

I deserve better. I know I do.

OP posts:
CauliflowerBalti · 01/02/2016 14:49

You can do better.

Doesn't mean you have to. Just... Don't be grateful for what you have. The positive features you describe are baseline human qualities. Read a handful of male online dating profiles. I guarantee you 9 out of 10 will declare their love for cosy nights in and cuddles. It's not a positive trait. It's a basic human quality that most people possess.

Other than this, he is a good apologiser. Wouldn't it be better if he didn't have to keep saying sorry?

Like I say. You can do better. And you can choose not to. But don't put up with this because you feel it's all you deserve, that you're lucky. You're not. He's the lucky one. He drinks way too much and he's selfish. These things need to change.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 01/02/2016 14:51

I don't feel I do deserve better. I'm not the easiest person to live with. I need a lot of time alone, can be a bit "too" independent. Both of my boyfriends have said that I don't show my love very well. I do try. Trust me, i loved both men more than anything.

OP posts:
RainbowDashed · 01/02/2016 14:54

Good for you OP, you sound more angry now, take hold of that anger and use it constructively. He is no good for you. That you love him is irrelevant really. He's nice enough, often enough, to keep you hanging. Don't let him treat you like this any more, you deserve so much more.

LagunaBubbles · 01/02/2016 14:54

I have posted about him before because he has form for being aggressive after drinking (NOT violent) and being a bit of a twat sometimes with regards to his "needs"

Sex?

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 01/02/2016 14:56

Yes. We don't have it enough. I don't know why I don't feel like it with him a lot of the time. It's like I tell him what I need and it goes in one ear and out the other.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 01/02/2016 14:57

i don't do "rough" anything because of my childhood, but that's all he likes

OP posts:
Jibberjabberjooo · 01/02/2016 14:58

But his apologies mean nothing, don't they? Because he does it again, and again.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 01/02/2016 14:59

OP, PLEASE, leave this man as soon as you can. Seriously, if this is the year you get off your arse, start getting off it NOW and waste NO MORE TIME (unless there are practicalities that can't be addressed immediately). Once you have left, do not look for or enter another relationship for quite some time. Have some counselling to try and find out why you put up with two shitty relationships. Learn about yourself and be happier with yourself first.

You say you need a lot of alone time. Fine. When the time comes for another relationship, why not find a guy who would be happy not to live together? There are plenty of relationships now where people are a couple but live apart - they may spend one night per week and weekends together but no more. I think that might suit you.

LagunaBubbles · 01/02/2016 15:02

You dont feel like it Grape because deep down youre not happy, mind and body are very closely connected..why would you have sex with someone who treats you like this for example.

Gruntfuttock · 01/02/2016 15:02

What I would like to think is that in a few years time, OP, you will be happy with another man, who is loving, supportive, respectful and respectable, and you will look back on your years with "Steve" with absolute horror, unable to believe you tolerated it for so long. That's what I would like to believe is in your future, but only you can start to make it a reality by ending your current relationship.

LovelyFriend · 01/02/2016 15:03

Whitney it has changed - its now 14 units per week for both men and women.

BIWI · 01/02/2016 15:05

Fuck me, he likes rough sex as well? And complains that you don't do it enough? I'm not surprised!

Please, please, please really read the posts on your thread and see this man for what he really is.

And then LTB.

Whitney168 · 01/02/2016 15:06

Whitney it has changed - its now 14 units per week for both men and women.

Even worse then.

(I'm going some if I manage 14 a year LOL.)

PosieReturningParker · 01/02/2016 15:07

I'm wondering why you're with him to be honest.

Whitney168 · 01/02/2016 15:08

OP, interesting reference upthread to 'aggression but not violence', given your later posts.

I wouldn't tolerate either, and wonder if you're in a good place to distinguish anyway?

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2016 15:08

Oh dear God. I've just read your last posts.

You are in an abusive relationship. On so many levels.

I am old enough to be your mother. If you were my daughter I would be moving heaven and earth to help you get away.

Please ask for this to be moved to Relationships and ask for all the advice and help you need to get away from this awful man.

LovelyFriend · 01/02/2016 15:09

This is the year I get off my arse and live my life, I swear.

You are living your life RIGHT NOW. And this is the life you now have, unless and until you change it. It doesn't have to be the rest of your life.

Both of my boyfriends have said that I don't show my love very well.
If you mean your abusive boyfriend, and the "callous alcoholic, rough sex when you don't like it boyfriend" who has no interest in what you say or what you want, I think it is pretty safe to discount their opinion on how you show your love.

CauliflowerBalti · 01/02/2016 15:11

My partner just moved in with me. He made a huge deal out of needing space and alone time beforehand.

Turns out he doesn't. He's just never been happy in a relationship before. Turns out I rock...

If even your sexual preferences aren't compatible - what is holding you together? Seriously? Is it your lack of self-esteem, this idea you have that you don't deserve more? Because you do. Seek counselling alone.