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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

487 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 09:09

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

OP posts:
Summerisle1 · 31/01/2016 15:53

I wouldn't be tolerating this. I'd send him and all his possessions out on a permanent all-nighter. Have some respect for yourself.

lorelei9 · 31/01/2016 15:55

Maisy, I think I'd tear my hair out if I watched those shows!!

But my comments are coming more from police and ambulance service friends. I've also had a friend wait 4 hours for an ambulance when he had compound fractures in thigh and leg - no way could he be transported any other way than ambulance. Our ambulance friend made enquiries and the major reason he had such a long wait was due to drunks, who took priority on account of being unconscious.

I hope this doesn't out me but the day afterwards - while he was having surgery - someone at the hospital said "you'd have got him an ambulance faster if you'd hit him on the head so you could have claimed he'd passed out and spared him some pain at the same time."

I still shudder thinking about it. He never ever talks about it. Fucking drunks.

ImperialBlether · 31/01/2016 16:02

You are a woman of 31 with no children. I think it's only when you're older than that that you realise just how important it is to be with someone who's good for you, if you're planning to marry them/stay together and have a new family.

This man is not the right person for you if you ever want your own family. He really isn't. We could write you a script now of how your life would pan out and it wouldn't be nice. It would involve you eventually treating him like another child, him being irresponsible and you taking on all responsibilities. You would be unhappy and lonely. Then when your marriage ended, as it would have to, you wouldn't be able to rely on him for financial support and you certainly wouldn't be able to rely on him having the children for the day at the weekend.

He prioritises drinking over being with you. He always will. This is who he is.

You need to get out of this relationship and realise that if you want a family of your own, you need to find a man who's good enough. This man isn't and never will be the right man for you.

Goingtobeawesome · 31/01/2016 16:26

If you want kids, leave. Because you are choosing him over them and it will end in their tears.

Hissy · 31/01/2016 16:43

He is an alcoholic, he will destroy your life.

Please go and find someone who is grown up enough to control himself and stop being a dickhead. Nobody is worth this crap.

Cleensheetsandbedding · 31/01/2016 16:47

He's in a cab now and has text begging for forgiveness. He must have charged his phone overnight

More like he turned it off.

You deserve better

BlondeOnATreadmill · 31/01/2016 17:43

He obviously has another woman on the go.

Phone switched off. Stays out overnight.

Come on! Surely you should be joining the dots a bit faster than this!

Lweji · 31/01/2016 17:50

It's a likely scenario and neither is good.

NameChange30 · 31/01/2016 17:55

It's not that obvious. There have been a lot of people posting on the thread, and you're the first person to point it out. If he's so drunk that he's vomiting and pissing around the house, I doubt he'd be physically able to have sex. But I guess you never know. What phone does he have? If it's an iPhone you could check locations he's been to.

Lweji · 31/01/2016 18:09

The question is: is he actually drunk or getting off with someone?
I didn't mention it, but thought it was a possibility. Him suddenly getting his phone charged after passing out somewhere sounds odd. Although he could still have turned it off to avoid getting calls from the OP.

Not sure which scenario is worse, and I'd be on my way out regardless.

SuperFlyHigh · 31/01/2016 18:16

2nd post like this this weekend here.

General concensus on this and the other one is there's another woman involved.

Also (I've had a dad who's been an alcoholic) I'd run far far away from anyone with an alcohol problem. Even if they're cured (latter is purely my own opinion).

I'm sort of wondering is this anything to do with Dry January and these poor men being deprived of alcohol so they now feel they have to go mental and do something stupid?! Grin

lorelei9 · 31/01/2016 19:08

Even if you don't want chikdren, is whatever he brings to the table worth this?

Bunbaker · 31/01/2016 19:25

I'm guessing that the OP isn't enjoying these home truths.

Please don't take it personally Grape. We want to support you, but it looks like the partner you are with is not right for you.

Gottagetmoving · 31/01/2016 19:40

Most blokes stop going out alone regularly until the early hours when they have a partner, especially at his age.
It's sad he is be having like this at 43.
I don't really think he is 'in' this relationship. Sounds like he needs someone to be there but he is not acting like a partner at all.
The man has emotional issues and needs to get blotto.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 19:41

Hey, sorry for absence, I've been catching up on some sleep :D I do hear you. I totally trust that he isn't sleeping around but I can see how it would look that way. I feel very depressed and let down tonight. Silly thing but I was in town shopping today and he was supposed to meet me for some lunch. I left the house at 3 and he said he would meet me for half four. Half four comes and goes and his phone just rings and rings. Turns out he'd passed out on the sofa again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 19:44

I just feel really depressed and let down. He's been super loving and cuddly today and he doesn't feel bad about staying out all night. We had a discussion where he apologised for not texting me (which is the real issue) and he doesn't want it mentioned again.

In other areas; he's complaining we don't have enough sex. Very hard to bump uglies with someone you're rapidly losing respect for, as well as the fact that I just feel used. I don't know what the solution is really.

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/01/2016 19:46

He's not so loving if he doesn't keep apointments with you.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 19:46

I love him a lot, he has so many qualifies as a person with the alcohol being the ONE thing he does wrong. On paper, my relationship looks like a train wreck, it's hard to explain what makes me love him so much without sounding like a lovesick teenager

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/01/2016 19:49

Is he willing to give up drinking at all? Does he even acknowledge it as a problem? Does he acknowledge how it affects you and your relationship?

Can you confidently say that the person you love is there and it's not an idea of him?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/01/2016 19:49

He thinks he did nothing wrong and he doesn't want it mentioned again? Yeah, he's just lovely Hmm

AliceScarlett · 31/01/2016 19:50

Did he start drinking again then today to be passed out on the sofa?

Him not texting you is not the "real issue".

lorelei9 · 31/01/2016 19:50

You do know the solution

Thing is, I'm a grumpy old sod but even I think, hey, it's a big world with lots of lovely things in it.

There's no reason to put up with crap that isn't just annoying, upsetting etc but also eating up the free time you have for fun.

I was having a nice lie in while you were ringing hospitals and police this morning, my sis came round for tea and cake in the afternoon...A relaxing Sunday, just as you can have in future if you ditch the useless bloke who whines about lack of sex....

Roussette · 31/01/2016 19:50

How can you love someone who can't be arsed to meet you in town when you've arranged it (to maybe make amends for his awful behaviour getting pissed).

Gottagetmoving · 31/01/2016 19:53

Sounds like you are bit obsessed with him
He does this because you are always there for him and he knows it
If he loved you, he wouldn't do this.
What does he mean?...he doesn't want to hear about it again??!! Who does he think he is?

Sorry, but I think he is using you. He is not being respectful or considerate, and yes,...you do sound like a love sick teenager.
To be honest I don't think he will change even if you give an ultimatum...or even if you stick to it and I think that's why you won't give one,..because you know it too.
Sorry, but you need to decide if are worth more than this. I think you are.

Bunbaker · 31/01/2016 19:56

"I don't know what the solution is really."

You do really. You just don't want to face up to it. If someone treated me with the disrespect your boyfriend does to you it would kill any love I had for him.

"and he doesn't feel bad about staying out all night."

Red flag here.

"Very hard to bump uglies with someone you're rapidly losing respect for, as well as the fact that I just feel used."

This would kill off any love I had as well. How can you love someone you can't respect?