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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

487 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 09:09

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 27/02/2016 17:50

It's hard to stop! I feel such affection and love for him that I couldn't bear to think of him waking up and being cold. Blush

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 27/02/2016 18:29

I'm sorry but I really don't understand that - not being snarky at all - how can you still feel love and affection for him?

TwoLeftSocks · 27/02/2016 18:36

Would he do the same for you with a blanket? Sorry but it really doesn't sound likely.

A flat share with a friend sounds ideal, are you actively looking?

LIZS · 27/02/2016 18:37

Think of him as a bad habit which you need to kick. He doesn't deserve your concern or kindness.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 27/02/2016 18:53

He stayed out all night last night and he is also not coming back tonight. He won't respond to texts. I've got to look forward to him coming back at God knows what time!

OP posts:
Lweji · 27/02/2016 19:04

Why would this weekend be any different?

Are you still hoping for him to change?

Costacoffeeplease · 27/02/2016 19:09

I've got to look forward to him coming back at God knows what time

You don't have to though, you can change this

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 27/02/2016 19:43

I am so broken by this. He finally text back and totally turned it around, making it out like I'm a bit of a controlling loon. I can't take much more of this. Sitting in my lounge and I can feel every angry little heartbeat. I'm livid.

OP posts:
Lweji · 27/02/2016 19:49

Why are you texting him?
Just ignore him. Do your own thing. Plan your exit.

And, as much as you can, lock yourself in and let him sweat it out outside.

BillSykesDog · 27/02/2016 19:54

Can you get the locks changed? Put his bags outside?

MinnieF1 · 27/02/2016 21:17

Is his daughter still there? If not, then just pack a bag and move out tonight!

Take all of the important stuff and come back for the rest at another time (maybe tomorrow when he's passed out?).

If his daughter is there, then you could always drop her off at home. I wouldn't want my 16 year old to have to deal with her dad in the state he will be in later/tomorrow.

magpie17 · 27/02/2016 21:42

I've just read the full thread. It had actually made me feel a bit sick because, bar the age, you could be going out with my ex husband (note the ex). Seriously, everything you said - the binge drinking, followed by aggression, apologies but then never wanting it spoken of again, complaining that we don't have sex when we do but it's too 'vanilla' for him, the pissing and puking (and shitting) in the house when drunk - all of it.

I could go on and on about the whole sorry saga but suffice to say that leaving him was the best decision I have ever made. Not feeling anxious and worried when he was out, dreading him not coming home but dreading the sound of the key in the door. Listening to him call me names and abuse me when drunk, cleaning up the vomit etc etc etc. None of that anymore, ever ever again. It felt terrifying to leave but was the biggest relief and blessing ever.

I was also 31 (so was he) and I am now 35 and married to a wonderful wonderful man and have a beautiful baby. I would never have this lovely, safe life and feel so lucky and cherished and cared for and supported and happy if I hadn't left him. You can have all that too you know, you can.

We were married as well so it was tough, but you could literally just walk away. Think of the freedom! You owe yourself that.

Squeegle · 27/02/2016 21:51

Make your plans. Move out with your friend.. .

bedraggledmumoftwo · 28/02/2016 08:42

Find the courage to leave him. Whatever affection you feel for him it is clear it is not reciprocated. Flat share with your friend sounds like a good idea.

Good luck

Bunbaker · 28/02/2016 09:02

"Worst of all is the feeling that I am not enough for him and never will be. He doesn't love me enough to stay with me, to come to bed and cuddle in, to hold me at night."

He isn't good enough for you.

"It's hard to stop! I feel such affection and love for him"

Why? I really don't understand why his treatment of you hasn't killed any love you feel for him. He treats you like a doormat because you behave like one. He will never show love and respect for you because you act like you don't deserve it.

How much bad behaviour will you put up with before you wake up to the fact that he doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you and he doesn't respect you.

He won't change.

Wake up to the reality and leave him.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 28/02/2016 09:15

You're right. I know what I have to do.

He's still not home. After a lot of badgering, he did at least confirm he will be out all night and back in the morning. Anyone pondering the wisdom of this has never been up on tenterhooks waiting for a drunk partner to come home in the night.

Basically, I've slept well (for the first Saturday in weeks) and not worried.

Now, I need to think about what happened last night and try and process it in a bit more of a logical way.

He waited until his daughter and I were asleep on Friday night and then went out, already quite drunk.

He then came in at seven am yesterday and crashed on the sofa. I covered him with a blanket and he told me to go away.

I didn't want to be around this so went out with a friend for a bit of much needed chinwag and shopping time, where I sent DP some texts telling him that I was unimpressed with his behaviour.

He replied to say that I can't control him, he's not a toy and if he wants to break the law by driving while he is still over the limit the next day then it's up to him and nothing to do with me.

I was pretty livid by this point, knowing about the prearranged boys night out and realising that my only time with DP this weekend is when he will be drunk, asleep or hanging out of his arse.

When I got home from shopping at about five, he was already out for the night.

I was livid at the "I'm not coming back" text I received from him and panicked. After an hour, I got a text from him to say that he will be back in the morning when I have calmed down and that he is enjoying his night out and doesn't want to let his friend down.

So...basically, I've been made out to be a controlling girlfriend. I'm not, at all.

I was controlled to the hilt by my ex boyfriend and would never replicate that behaviour. One of the reasons I love DP so much is that he is his own person with a mind of his own, as am I.

I'm still in bed, feeling awful and apprehensive about what's next.

It really isn't reasonable to go out two nights in a row, all night, is it?

Help me out here because I'm flagging.

I'm also worried about anything that might out me.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 28/02/2016 09:22

I don't think you ARE a person with a mind of your own, unfortunately.

Your world seems to revolve completely around him.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 28/02/2016 09:28

I think it has become that way; however, it's not ME. I know this and I want to get back to what is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 28/02/2016 09:29

I'm the angriest I've ever been about this. How he thinks his behaviour is reasonable, I have no clue. I might go and stay with a friend for a few days and leave him to think about what he has done.

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 28/02/2016 09:30

I'm sorry but you might love him but he obviously doesn't give a shiny shite about you, his actions tell you everything you need to know. Don't waste any more of your life on this piece of shit, he's going to leave you, get in there first

KinkyAfro · 28/02/2016 09:32

You seriously think he's bothered about what he's done? You're deluding yourself, he's never going to change

LIZS · 28/02/2016 09:33

Yes do get out and don't respond to any texts . See how he likes it when you aren't at his back and call. Meanwhile it will hopefully give you a better perspective and way forward. Take any paperwork with you now , in case he starts withholding it as a control device.

Ginmakesitallok · 28/02/2016 09:39

Do you really think that going away for a few days to let him "think about what he has done" is going to change things? The man is an arse. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. You need to leave him. Not for a few days. For good.

bluecashmere · 28/02/2016 09:44

Do stay with a friend for a few days and make arrangements to get out of there permanently but do not do it expecting him to see the error of his ways. He isn't going to change and you will be torturing yourself again waiting for his texts and calls if that's your mindset.

I can understand that you are scared to go through the pain of ending it but just accept that it's the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Eventually you will look back at leaving him as the best thing about your relationship, believe me.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 28/02/2016 09:46

You still think you can change him in some way. Sigh. The only way you can get back to you is by leaving this sorry excuse for a boyfriend. But you aren't ready. God knows how bad it has to get before you will be.