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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

487 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 09:09

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

OP posts:
TwoLeftSocks · 20/02/2016 09:14

I get the needing to sort your head out bit but that'll be so much easier if you're not with him.

You say you love him but honestly I don't think he loves you. He sounds like he's using you and doesn't really care about what you want, and actually plays on your vulnerabilities and need to be loved.

This relationship won't get happier. You won't get happier in this relationship.

Leave him, find a counsellor who understands ASD and can talk you through past life experiences and help you work out what a normal happy relationship should look like for you.

bananafish · 20/02/2016 09:43

Ah, love - you are having a rough old time of it. Do you know what would help? You could really do with some counselling and therapy. You're not weak, or stupid or a drama queen. You just need helping unpicking where you are, right now.

Growing up with a bipolar parent can leave you with horrible issues. Certainly it teaches you that feeling insecure is normal, along with being around people who are unpredictable, manipulative, angry, verbally and physically abusive - all normal.

It's no good people telling you that it isn't right or normal, because tbh, to you; it is. It is bloody normal. It's what you know and weirdly, it's what you are comfortable with. It took me ages (and a whole heap of therapy to understand that, and it pisses me off to this day).

Your boyfriend is a symptom. It's time to look after yourself. Go and get some help to work out what is going on. You don't have to leave him - you don't even have to think about it, yet. You just need to find someone that will listen and help you without pressure. You know you're not happy and that this shit isn't right. That's a good step in the right direction. It shows that you are capable of self analysis, but you have to be brave and go further.

You could try Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 , just to talk through what's going on now. They're pretty good.

If you can go private, then find a counsellor BACP is a great resource.

Or go to your GP. But do something - for yourself. Because you deserve better, love. Even though it feels like you don't.

lorelei9 · 20/02/2016 11:08

Ah, love. Often not really. Are you obsessed with him because it stops you focussing on the important stuff in life?

what do your friends think of all this?

Pedestriana · 20/02/2016 11:10

This thread makes horrible reading.
Your 'Steve' sounds a lot like my friend's ex. She met him when she was divorcing her first husband. At the start, he was lovely. He liked her kids, he treated them well. They moved in together and got married about 6 months after her divorce. He turned into a spiteful, abusive man with whom she had children. He's now moved on to repeat the performance with someone else.
Unfortunately she is someone who is not easily able to be single and is now in another relationship, a few weeks after getting shot of the nasty guy. I'm hoping that there will not be a repeat of history for her.

You're getting nothing out of this relationship. Please don't do what my friend did and stay.

Grapeeatingweirdo · 20/02/2016 22:00

He's out tonight. Boys night out. I know my love is unhealthy and I am realising this even more than ever before. I'm always wondering why he doesn't seem to love me as much and then I realise that I probably do love him in an extreme way I can't expect anyone to emulate or reciprocate.

We've been together for six years. How do I switch these extreme feelings off and try and think more logically. On paper it is terrible but my gut and heart and singing a totally different tune.

I'm not a drama llama or attention seeker, I promise. I'm also aware that I've posted about him for years. :(

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 20/02/2016 22:08

"I think my love for him might be bordering on the unhealthy though."

It certainly is.

You need to love yourself. If you don't you can't expect anyone else to.

All this time waster does is make you feel bad about yourself. Stop whining about how useless he is and get rid.

Seeyounearertime · 20/02/2016 22:11

i would suggest something totally stupid.
write 2 lists, one for why you love him, the other a list of the shitty things he does to you.

when you see that the shite outweighs the good you might start to realise that actually, you can do better. it will also give you something to read repeatedly until it sinks in, have it laminated and framed, read it once an hour.

but thats getting extreme. good luck op Flowers

apostropheuse · 20/02/2016 22:47

Regardless of you loving him, he's made it pretty obvious that he doesn't love you - and you putting up with his vile behaviour won't ever change that.

Bunbaker · 20/02/2016 22:51

"and you putting up with his vile behaviour won't ever change that."

This ^^. It just gives him the message that he can treat you like dirt and get away with it. How can you not see that?

spongebob5 · 20/02/2016 23:19

Is this a wind up?!

Grapeeatingweirdo · 20/02/2016 23:34

A wind up? What are you implying? I'm not a troll if that's what you're asking? I'm a long term poster.

OP posts:
Grapeeatingweirdo · 20/02/2016 23:34

And thank you to the other posters. The truth is, I am starting to see the light

OP posts:
Hillfarmer · 21/02/2016 00:22

Hi OP,

It is clear that your boyfriend has no respect for you, what I don't understand is why you have any respect for him? He does nothing to earn it. He is really laughing in your face here. You don't have love, just a fantasy of what love is.

What you do seem to have is a martyrdom complex. Do you really want to sacrifice yourself on this man, in the mistaken belief that your sacrifice will somehow save him? Newsflash: it won't. And you will have ruined your life in the process. How sad would that be? Please don't think you can heal him with your love or some similar romantic theory. What on earth is keeping you near him? Whatever it is, it is incredibly self-destructive.

No-one, but no-one, is advising you to stay with this bloke. You are worth so much more. Please don't waste any more of your life tied to him.

Grapeeatingweirdo · 27/02/2016 08:32

Am making plans to move out. I've been reading this thread quite a lot to give me the strength I need.

My needs are not being met and this can only get worse. A friend is looking for a flatmate and I'm going to take her up on her offer to look for somewhere with me.

The thought of leaving my home and boyfriend is awful though. I have memories of packing seven years of home and relationship into a bag and making a run for it at the end of my last relationship. Those scars took a long time to heal.

OP posts:
Grapeeatingweirdo · 27/02/2016 08:33

And he went out all night again. His daughter (lovely 16 year old who I really love) is here as well. He won't be able to do anything with her this morning now. He's also got a night out planned tonight!

OP posts:
VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 27/02/2016 08:42

Glad to hear you're making plans. Good decision.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 27/02/2016 08:46

His poor daughter - he was basically using you as a live in babysitter as he planned so many nights out on her days. The fact he's useless the next day whilst his daughter is there to spend time with him, and he still plans another night out speaks volumes.

Grapeeatingweirdo · 27/02/2016 08:49

He used to use me as live in childcare until I put my foot down. Now she's older and doesn't need babysitting, it's started up again. It's crap. She'll get up soon and see him snoring on the sofa, fully dressed.

I went in just now and put a blanket on him and he told me to go away. It hurts me.

OP posts:
Grapeeatingweirdo · 27/02/2016 08:52

She's used to it and they have a great relationship, but I hate it when he goes out all night. I hate that key in the door and how it makes me worry: is he in a good mood? Will he put his cigarette out safely etc.

Worst of all is the feeling that I am not enough for him and never will be. He doesn't love me enough to stay with me, to come to bed and cuddle in, to hold me at night.

If it sounds pathetic, it's because I'm a bit ground down by it all now and I just want to feel loved and secure again.

OP posts:
MardyGrave · 27/02/2016 09:13

What practical steps are you making to leave op?

AliceScarlett · 27/02/2016 14:23

What are you going to do about this situation OP?

MissBeaHaving · 27/02/2016 14:30

Well done Op,Moving in with your friend is a great idea!
I know you are finding it hard but it really is the best thing to do,once you are out you can start healing & getting yourself back on track.

You deserve to be happy!

Squeegle · 27/02/2016 14:35

Good for you grape
Like you I had a bipolar father
Like you I ended up with a binge drinker who was not good to me
I understand all you're saying about the funny twat face, the anxious feeling with the key in the door
Unlike you I had 2 kids with him
I left him (after far too long trying to please him, I thought it was my fault)
I'm so much better away
Just like you will be
Stop thinking about him, start thinking about you - and how someone should treat you!! For those of us who have grown up in a bipolar household it's hard to do. But we need to stop trying to please others who have no thoughts of pleasing us.

Costacoffeeplease · 27/02/2016 14:38

I wouldn't have bothered with the blanket tbh, just s small sign of how you're still trying to keep him happy, look after him - time to stop now