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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

487 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 09:09

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 20/02/2016 01:34

Op
You know the theory about the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?

Worth thinking about.

Redglitter · 20/02/2016 01:39

He can't be with you any more 5hat sounds like a good result. Hold open the door for him while he takes his stuff out 😊

seoulsurvivor · 20/02/2016 02:33

OP. I have stayed in more than one shitty relationship because I thought they were all I deserved. Because I'm 'difficult'.

Except I'm not difficult. But some abusive wankers made me feel I was.

By total chance and luck, I met a lovely guy. He treats me so well. I always know where he is, we talk about everything, he understands that sex is hard for me and gives me the space I need in that department, he listens to what I need. When I see how willing he is to try to make me happy, I feel unbelievably lucky, especially when I compare him to my exes. I never thought I was worthy of so much kindness.

I also know a woman who has a husband like your man. My God. I used to work with him and became friends with his wife. The way he talked about her at work. He was so utterly disrespectful. Always complaining that she was nagging at him, ruining his fun, wasn't he entitled to a night out? He'd disappear and she'd call me, desperate, trying to see if any of our workmates knew where he was. It was awful. Once, I was out with some friends and he came down to where we were drinking, told us he'd told his wife he was taking the trash out and proceded to down several vodkas and 2 beers in 15 minutes, despite all of us turning our backs on him and refusing to talk to him. He can't stand feeling like he's missing out on any fun. He's like a teenager. They have one kid and another on the way. She won't leave him. She thinks he's a good dad because he puts messages on facebook saying he loves his family. The first week I started work, he was saying he was glad he had some space as his wife had taken his kid to see her mum. I asked how old the kid was assuming it was 10 or something. The baby was a week old. Do you want that for your kids? A man who resents their presence after one week?

He won't change, OP.

BillSykesDog · 20/02/2016 02:37

Oh Jesus. Just get rid.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 20/02/2016 07:14

He could only keep the act up for 2 weeks...says a lot
I'm sorry, I know it's rough, but this has to be it, surely?

CooPie10 · 20/02/2016 07:19

Hopefully this is the wake up call you need to leave. You know full well what he's about, you can choose to accept this or walk away to make a better life for yourself. It's entirely up to you to decide how you want your life to turn out.

AliceScarlett · 20/02/2016 07:20

Horrendously manipulative. Ugh. I'm glad he is going, do you the world of good. He can go and demand sex as much as he likes from someone else, hopefully he will spend a large proportion of that time alone.

ScarletForYa · 20/02/2016 07:32

OP, that sounds like a crock of shit. He's probably got someone else. Sad

scarednoob · 20/02/2016 07:35

Bye bye mr nasty alcoholic manipulative selfish wanker. Go and have sex with your laptop 3 times a day, like the teenage boy that you are. Don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out, eh?

This is what you should be saying.

ScarletForYa · 20/02/2016 07:46

I've just browsed back over a few threads of yours OP.

This relationship is a car crash. Please stay away from him. I don't know why you've been choosing to stay with him all this time after everything he's put you through.

tupperwareAARGGH · 20/02/2016 07:55

Your realise he is an utter utter taunt don't you. Why are you putting up with this shit!

He is abusive emotionally and aggressive when he is drunk and makes you scared.

He is one of those men that unless you are giving him your undivided attention he is not happy and so puts you down. He is threatened by your independence and is trying to crush you.

Get out and find a man that loves your independence but first have some time on your own to address why you have put up with such shittiness.

You deserve better and trust do not contemplate having kids with this man. There is a reason why he is not with the mother of his kids by the way. Being a father is more than giving out money by the way.

bakeoffcake · 20/02/2016 08:03

"He doesn't want to be with me anymore".

Does that mean he's leaving? I hope so.

You won't think it now, but in the long run you will be so much happier without him, you really will.

Casmama · 20/02/2016 08:04

Your life could be so much better than this!
Once you set yourself free from this selfish, abusive arsehole you will be free to meet someone lovely who you will look forward to having sex with or going for a drink with. Someone who will make you feel loved and appreciated and who you can trust.
You are wasting precious time here and only you can change it.
HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Will you? Or will you be here in five years time?

AnyFucker · 20/02/2016 08:20

Back on the merry go round, op ?

What a waste of your life. Stop having sex you don't want with this fuckwit and accept the relationship is over.

Seeyounearertime · 20/02/2016 08:22

what the fuck are you with him for? Tell him to crawl away into a bottle and leave you to be happy.

TwoTonTessie · 20/02/2016 08:27

Just get rid. He's even given you an 'out' now (not that you should have needed it) by saying that he can't be with you any more. Go off and enjoy your life rather than be living with such a waste of space

PovertyPain · 20/02/2016 08:29

I'd be very, very surprised if he leaves. He just assumes you will beg him to stay. Have you told him you're going to try harder or tried to make excuses? Please get out of this relationship before it destroys you. I know it's hard to believe, looking at mumsnet, but the majority of men are good and decent. You deserve so much better than this. You're only 31, that's no age.

memyselfandaye · 20/02/2016 08:35

Dear god, there just isn't any hope is there?

Is it that important to be seen to have a boyfriend that you put up with that?

Where is your self respect?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/02/2016 08:37

You've wasted enough of your life on this arsehole. You deserve better.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/02/2016 08:38

MOVE.

ON.

What more do you want people here to say?

Lweji · 20/02/2016 08:40

He thinks he's done enough for you to beg him to stay.

You should be packing his bags.

LIZS · 20/02/2016 08:47

Pack his stuff and put on doorstep. He doesn't deserve you.

Grapeeatingweirdo · 20/02/2016 09:00

A lot to think about. Definitely. I really don't know why I put up with this. Think it's a mixture of childhood issues, lack of confidence and ASD; all combining to make me feel that if I have love then I have everything I need. I don't care about money, status, baggage, none of that bothers me.

I really do love him as well, I've never found anymore more attractive in so many different ways. I think my love for him might be bordering on the unhealthy though.

I wish I could sort my head out and make the break - even if it's just to see what I really want. I know it will really hurt me as well.

OP posts:
LIZS · 20/02/2016 09:06

But sadly his actions suggest he doesn't reciprocate. He's using you and exploiting your vulnerability. You need a clean break, to find opportunities to boost your self esteem so you can gain a better perspective and move forward.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 20/02/2016 09:10

Your love is way into unhealthy and you've been 'thinking things over' for literally years.

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