Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

He drinks 3 cans of cider per night plus bingeing at the weekends
He has to go out on a Saturday because he can't bear not getting wasted
He badgers you for sex when he's pissed
He only likes rough sex and harasses you about it despite knowing about your experiences and why you don't like it
You have to pretend to sleep to avoid his reaction
He disappears al night and tells you to stfu when you call him on it
He pukes and pisses in your house

But it's ok because he gives you lots of cuddles. Right?

Both of my boyfriends have said that I don't show my love very well.
If you mean your abusive boyfriend, and the "callous alcoholic, rough sex when you don't like it boyfriend" who has no interest in what you say or what you want, I think it is pretty safe to discount their opinion on how you show your love.

Amen, a-bloody-men to that.

Well summed up, Obsidian. Quite a catch, eh?

Both of my boyfriends have said that I don't show my love very well
I've picked the same quote as Lovely Friend.
Your past and present boyfriends are no measure of your ability to love or to express love. You've been brainwashed into accepting worthless opinions as fact.

Grape I know someone your age who was very reluctant to end a five year relationship that everyone else could see wasn't going anywhere and was actually a huge obstacle to their happiness.

I think the concerns for them were the perceived 'investment' in all those years, hanging on to a belief that they could change the other person or that they would miraculously change by themself and also fear of the future, fear of cutting loose and being alone.

You can be lonely in a relationship as well you know, if it's not the right kind of relationship and you sound lonely to me, unsupported and downtrodden.

Posters absolutely do realize that it's not as easy as someone saying LTB, life and emotions are more complicated than that and it can take time to either organize, or to even accept the realization that you should part.
In your case though and apparently over past threads too, opinions of this damaged and damaging relationship are almost unanimous.

I recommend you copy and save this thread and keep reading it over and over.

"He stays in ALL week with three cans of Strongbow to drink per night and hates going anywhere or doing anything. It's like he saves it all for the weekend."

So he's an alcoholic (that much is clear now) who likes to stay in and drink or go out - with his mates, not you - and drink. To oblivion. Nothing else matters, certainly not quality time with you.

Plus, "all he likes" is rough sex - never mind what you like, want or need.

He's not even considerate, loving or good in bed!

He has nothing going for him, OP. Nothing. Everything you say is good about him, plenty of other men have those qualities - minus the alcoholism.

He is NOT A SUITABLE PARTNER for a casual fling, let alone for life.

Right how about if I wrote it out like this.

I am a 31 year old man with a difficult family background and a history in abusive relationships that makes me vulnerable. I have a much older girlfriend who stays in and drinks every night of the week. One night a week she will disappear off for a night out and be uncontactable until she rolls in around dawn and pisses and pukes all over the house. I have no idea where she goes, or who with, and sometimes I don't see her until well into the next day.

Usually I have to clean up after her while she sleeps it off on the sofa. She never apologises and if I raise this issue with her she tells me to get over it.

The rest of the time she is pretty nice, even sometimes gives me a cuddle. I crave affection but tbh she is mainly just interested in rough sex. She wants to hurt me and call me names, which I don't like and which is particularly horrible for me as it reminds me of some of the really upsetting things in my past I have tried to forget. She doesn't enjoy normal, loving sex and when I tell her what I do and don't enjoy in bed she either doesn't listen or just goes ahead and ignores me anyway and does what she wants. What should I do?

I've been card shopping. Saw this and thought of you and "Steve".

Leave him. I wasted a lot of my life on a guy like this.
What on earth are you getting out of this relationship.
He is an alcoholic, he won't change. He will get worse and his health will suffer and he will ultimately drag you down with him.
You aren't tied to him - you haven't got kids so go.
Get counselling, sort your head out and then go and find a real man who will treat you the way you deserve, with love and respect.

And for goodness sake, contact Womens Aid and sign up to do their Freedom Programme.
To need to set boundaries and spot red flags far earlier than you are.
It will help you massively for future relationships!

The more you say about him the worse the picture becomes. Obsidian has it in a nutshell.

Why on earth do you think you are only worth having a relationship with an alcoholic who only wants to abuse you? You need to love yourself first. When you can do that you will realise that this useless piece of shit is not nearly good enough for you.

You post on here countless times whinging about how awful he is and then completely ignore all the sensible advice. You need to grow a pair and get him out of your life. All the worthless and meaningless apologies in the world aren't going to make any difference or change anything.

You are worth so much better than that.

Until you get him out of your life he will continue to behave as he does, knowing that the odd crumb he throws you in the way of an apology or cuddle will keep you sweet, until one day you will wake up to the fact that you have wasted the best years of your life on a complete waster. Then you will resent him and hate him. You should be doing this now. Get angry. Don't take any shit. Kick him out.

Just searched your old threads. I suggest you do the same op, it's shocking

I agree Obsidian

This is not a normal relationship.

He's an addict, OP. An addict an addict an addict. You deserve so much more.

This is just so horrible to read - please take a step back and look at what you've written - he drinks, way too much, every day, he moans about not having enough sex, wants rough sex when you don't - this is not a good relationship, he's not a lovely person, please make plans to get away as soon as you can

He sounds like my ex, v v similar. I put up with it because I was fat and didn't think I deserved any better. Eventually he cheated on me and ended up marrying her.

That was nearly ten years ago and he STILL calls from time to time when his wife is away and asks if I want to go over for sex. His lucky lucky wife. Meanwhile I have a lovely partner and baby.

They are not nice people, men (or women) like this. They love themselves far more than they love anybody else. My advice would be LTB, but I know it's hard. So as a plan b, I would be asking him to cut down on the drinking and to quit the nights out. If he won't do that, there's your answer.

Have just read your updates OP. Yes, you are in an abusive relationship, same as the relationship before. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Can I suggest you contemplate doing the Freedom Programme, to help you get out of the mindset that "this is all I deserve". Have a look at their website Freedom Programme

By the way, you relating that "Both of my boyfriends have said that I don't show my love very well" absolutely made my blood boil on your behalf: the sheer brass neck of these two people treating you like utter shit and then complaining that you don't shower them with adoration in return. I have absolutely no words.

when he does come home make sure u have a word about the barely charged phone, everyone needs a charged phone when u go out on long journeys, i didnt once and that one time i broke down and couldnt call anyone, it was awful

Did you RTFT?

Eh

Alcoholism is a disgusting, degrading, degenerative disease. No amount of loving him can help him, or help you live like this.

OP please please please get along to an Al Anon meeting by yourself, or take a friend, and you will meet kind people who can offer wisdom, strength, advice and friendship:

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Do you know what happens to a person's body and mind when they have end stage liver failure? Even then, an alcoholic will deny they have a problem.

I need a lot of time alone, can be a bit "too" independent. Both of my boyfriends have said that I don't show my love very well. I do try.

OP, being independent and wanting time alone is not a huge ask. It is not a dealbreaker. There are men out there who can cope with that and aren't alcoholics.

I wouldn't trust your ex or (I hope!) future ex's opinion here, but so what if you weren't good at demonstrating love? Plenty of non-alcoholic men can cope and accept that, too!

Have a look for the Girl With The Curly Hair on facebook. It's about and for women with ASD and it might be useful to you.

Boyfriend has been lovely for a couple of weeks. Now has got drunk and told me we don't have enough sex and that he can't be with me anymore. We did it three times last week, not that bad eh? THats all he wants and all he sees me as being good for.

Why is he still your bf?

Read back over this thread. The advice now will be the same.