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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really irritated by the 'motherhood challenge'

293 replies

Kitkatmonster · 31/01/2016 07:20

I'm sure you've seen it, it's taking over my news feed. I seem to be the only one who thinks this is a nonsense, and a bit worrying as the number of photos of Friends of Friends' children that I've seen this weekend is actually scary. Does no one lock their page down as private anymore?! Aibu in getting irritated and wondering how many women have shed a tear secretly over seeing this, the ones battling infertility, having accepted infertility, the ones right now miscarrying a longed for baby. It seems insensitive and crass, who needs to post photos to the fb world that make them happy to be a mother? What about the mum with PND who gets inadvertently tagged? Isn't something like this likely to make her feel pretty rubbish? Are we all just so selfish and desperate to show off our perfect families that we have to take a 'challenge' like this without any concern for the people among our friends who might be experiencing one of the above? Seriously, AIBU? Am I taking this too seriously and getting irritated by a bit of fun?! It's really fucking bothering me.

OP posts:
MrsS182 · 01/02/2016 14:20

Put it this way, when you tag someone in a post then that post will be seen by your friends but also the friends of the people you tag in the post. If you multiply the number of people in each friends list by the ten people tagged then that is a lot of people you don't know that you just sent photos of your children to.

Philoslothy · 01/02/2016 14:24

I can see people tagging others but I am not seeing their photos.

tinofbiscuits · 01/02/2016 15:02

I have chosen these people as my friends, chosen to see their memories, photos, happy and sad moments

It can be hard for people to be faced with photos of things they may never have themselves, no matter how much they like their friends. Away from FB there's the option to only email photos to people of your choice who've asked to see them. This avoids people you don't know seeing your photos and also upsetting those who'd rather not see them at this time.

Sallystyle · 01/02/2016 15:03

Everything you do on FB is classed as smug on MN

In fact, people should just have FB, but do nothing on there at all.

Talk about your day.. you're boring and dull
Post photos of your food... the same, and smug
Post photos of your holiday, new car or children... smug
Talk about how well your children are doing... smug
Mention you have had a nice time with your husband and say anything about loving him... smug, or you're deeply unhappy and just pretending otherwise

I wonder what a lot of MNers do on there!

tinofbiscuits · 01/02/2016 15:05

I wonder what a lot of MNers do on there!

Grin Nothing, I don't use FB!

sherbert83 · 01/02/2016 16:10

I dont normally join in with these things, but did on this occasion, and for a specific reason - I was getting a bit fed up of seeing all these posts all directed at Mums but with no mention of Dads.....so I decided to post mine & nominate a few people I know who are great Dads, cos Dads get to be proud too, right? I am lucky to have a fantastic partner who is 100% hands on & fully involved in raising our son, I know a lot of other dads who are the same, so I used my nomination to make that point & give the blokes a chance.

LittleLionMansMummy · 01/02/2016 16:29

Re. Tagging, I think you can adjust your settings so only friends see stuff like this rather than friends of friends etc. At least that's what I thought I'd applied to my privacy settings, so those who are not my friends won't be plagued by my pictures.

SummerRemembered · 01/02/2016 16:31

I think this "challenge" is very different from other fb games. In the past we have had the ice bucket challenge; post five b/w pictures; five things for which you are grateful if life; a song a day for seven days and many more.

What these have in common is that they are inclusive to everyone and the types of pictures posted and responses given show the diversity of a friendship group. This motherhood challenge is different in that it picks one section of society and effectively tells the rest of us "go away, you can't play our game".

Now, if you had told me a week ago that I'd be upset about not being able to join in with a fb game I'd have laughed right in your face but something about the wording of this one really does sting.

I love seeing pictures of friends' dc on fb and mothers' day has never bothered me (perhaps because mothers' day can be celebrated not only be mothers but by every son or daughter who has or has ever had a mother, grandmother or other female caregiver) but this self-congratulatory game has made me feel inadequate in a way I can't really describe. Almost every post on my newsfeed over the last few days have been related to this chain and perhaps I am more over-sensitive than I thought but every entry is like a repeated message telling me that all my friends have something in common and I will never be like them.

Again, I never thought I would be preoccupied by or want to police a fb game but I do wish the people who start these things would go back to more general topics open to everyone so that people can choose to play along or not, without being forced out.

SoporificHobnob · 01/02/2016 16:37

YANBU. Personally I don't put any pictures of my children on FB, nor do I mention my children because I believe that they should have the right to choose if they are on FB and what information about them goes on FB - or any other social media.

frogletsproglets · 01/02/2016 16:43

oh dear I took part in this Blush ...hope it didn't upset anyone on my friends

tbh it was only out of politeness as I was tagged

Philoslothy · 01/02/2016 16:44

My children use FB to unload about my parenting inadequacies - I have the right to lie redress the balance.

upthegardenpath · 01/02/2016 16:47

Ugh.
I initially started, rather mechanically, choosing my 3 photos. Then stopped, because I didn't want to risk pissing off the mothers I know who I couldn't necessarily include, as you can only include 10.
Then I worried about the single dad friend who may think it crass.
Then I worried about the several other female friends I have who have never been able to have a child at all. What about them?
My nomination came from a very dear friend, so in the same breath, it wasn't easy to ignore outright.
But ignore it I did.
If she ever asks me why I did, I will tell her.
She is a lovely person, who has had 5 late MC and has 1 beautiful baby boy.
I've no idea why on earth she felt the need to participate in the challenge TBH.

228agreenend · 01/02/2016 16:58

I'm obviously not considered a good mother, as no one has tagged me!

girlinacoma · 01/02/2016 17:14

Why do women do this?

Why do we come up with this nauseating bull-shit and then gleefully perpetuate it by sharing it around Facebook?

Can you imagine men getting involved in guff like this? Of course not! Would we accuse them of loving their children any less by not doing it?

Utter bollocking bullshit and I'm not in the slightest bit in interested in looking at pictures of other people's snot-nosed kids

crispytruffle · 01/02/2016 17:19

I no longer post photos of my 9 year old on Facebook as last year he asked me not to put anymore photos of him on there. I am quite private on Facebook anyway nowadays because we all know that people aren't really looking at the subject i.e the child, they are looking at the background to see what the inside of your house looks like! Grin And we all know that some people like that so they will put a child as far away as possible in the photo so that their lovely brand new car can be seen in the background.... and that's what they're really showing us!

NewLife4Me · 01/02/2016 17:19

YABU for the suggestions you give.
What are all these sensitive souls going to do when they see mothers and children out and about, going to school, shopping etc.
I'm not saying I would do it, haven't seen it yet, but from posts on here it sounds pretty harmless.
Like anything else, don't get involved if you don't like it.

Strokethefurrywall · 01/02/2016 17:21

What girlinacoma said word for word

pandaskitchen · 01/02/2016 17:22

Summer Thank you, you have eloquently written how I have been feeling, I have struggled to rationalise why this one got me!

Every now and then when you think an issue has been dealt with and 'boxed off' something like this pops up and blind sides you - it hurts. After a little cry you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on- this weeks FB challenge is soon forgotten and we are back to minions, pictures of peoples dinner and 'Whats up hun?'.

We have very much kept our situation very very private as we don't want the questions and as I think that I would hate it more if people felt they had to modify their behaviour to spare my feelings. I have seen some lovely photo's and it has reminded me of some lovely memories of my Godchildren, Nieces and Nephews and friend's children when they were little.

Philoslothy · 01/02/2016 17:27

not to put anymore photos of him on there. I am quite private on Facebook anyway nowadays because we all know that people aren't really looking at the subject i.e the child, they are looking at the background to see what the inside of your house looks like

Surely genuine friends don't do this.

Whathaveilost · 01/02/2016 17:27

To be honest, I'm not at all bothered by it. I have been tagged in and have enjoyed going through my photos and posting and I have really enjoyed seeing my friends' happy memories and looking at how thir kid have grown nd changed over the years.

In fact I have enjoyed it.

KacieB · 01/02/2016 17:32

Yes, well articulated summer.

Weirdly enough there was a big group of women at work today chatting about it and sharing photos, and though I like them all and again, would never say anything in real life, actually being "left out" is part of the odd feeling this thing evokes. As well as sad at not being a mum myself.

Again - not suggesting it's banned, not campaigning to Facebook or anything dramatic like that. Just agreeing to an OP and communicating my 'response' to an online movement (I've always assumed we're allowed to do that on a chat forum) Hmm

NewLife, these stupid "sensitive souls" like me often withdraw or feel daily endless pangs. Infertility often caused clinical depression and I'm certainly feeling that lately. It's a bit different on FB for the reasons articulated very well by summer and others above.

So I think the professionally offended comments are coming from people like you, not those who have dared to say "this stings".

KacieB · 01/02/2016 17:32

*causes, not caused

PurpleDaisies · 01/02/2016 17:40

What are all these sensitive souls going to do when they see mothers and children out and about, going to school, shopping etc.

Those "sensitive souls" as you so nicely put it are women that haven't been able to have the family they wanted. It is hard seeing mums out with their kids. It is also hard seeing pregnant women when you know that won't be you. Mothers' day is a nightmare. You get very good at putting on a fake smile because you can't stop living your life but it isn't a nice feeling. I suspect that you didn't really want an answer because branding women who don't particularly enjoy seeing their Facebook feed turned into a mothers club they'll never be part of as annoying whingers who need to toughen up is much easier.

NewLife4Me · 01/02/2016 17:46

Kacie

My point is you can't avoid it in rl.
Be it a parent in the playground/park.
When you are shopping etc.
I was told at 14 I'd probably not be able to have children and went on to have 3 after 4 miscarriages.
I have been upset by things myself, but I wouldn't expect people to not get involved with things, or talk about their experiences because it may upset me.
I decided life has to go on, because I didn't want to be bitter and sad every time something or somebody reminded me of my losses.

miserablesod · 01/02/2016 17:48

Or be tagged like i was and think i can't put pics of my "happy family" up because one of my children is missing from every picture because he is dead.