to not be able to let this go.

[IHeartKingThistle]

I've posted about this before, sorry.

16 months ago my 7 year old had an accident at my parents house. They were doing some renovations and their bannisters had been removed. It was an accident, we were being careful, there's no blame to dole out. She came off the stairs and suffered a skull fracture. It was awful. My parents were devastated. I was very careful not to make them feel bad, and to be honest I played down how awful it was in hospital and how long it took her to recover.

She's fine now. She's 9, she has no lasting effects. We were very very lucky.

But there are still no bannisters on the stairs. They have continued to do up the house, but show no signs of doing the stairs. I haven't left the DC there without me since it happened (they used to go for weekends fairly often). I have told them that the DC are still nervous about the stairs (we have a younger one too who witnessed the accident). Every time I bring it up I get long emotional messages about how bad they feel and how nothing is more important than the DCs. But I don't think they are going to do the stairs. I don't want to talk about it any more, I just want them to make it safe. If I talk to my siblings about it they tell me not to criticise my parents because they feel bad enough about the accident as it is. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes. I have now stopped bringing it up altogether, but we don't visit nearly as much because I struggle to be in the house. They never mention this, ever.

But they adore the DC. Adore them. They want to be with them. They are amazing grandparents. And I know stairs are expensive, but, but, AIBU to feel like this? I just can't get my head round why they won't do it. It's getting to the point where I need to just accept it, but I can't.

:o Pacific, I'm not sure I could be that nice under the circumstances!

IHeart, their response had me open mouthed. I can't imagine not doing everything in my power to make amends, after such a terrible accident.

It's not a case of blame and fault, but there was something that they did that meant the accident could happen. After the accident their duty was to take that possibility away, and they haven't.

That's what you do when you feel bad about something that happened that could have been prevented. You make sure to prevent it in the future.

Floppyragdoll, that is just batshit crazy.

Op. Sorry but your dm is not that loving and is unbelievably selfish. Not when life and death matters. Not when it comes to your dd. I hope you can see the wood from trees now.

Floppy's story just goes to show, some people find it impossible to admit they made a mistake or they were wrong. They can never say to themselves 'I should have fixed the bannister' because admitting guilt is impossible for them. They would rather all break their bones or even have people die (in Floppy's family any of those falls could have ended in death) than admit they were wrong.

To them, fixing the bannister is tantamount to admitting responsibility for your daughter's fall. Leaving it open is proof that there was never any problem with the missing bannister. Your sister proves this by sending her dc there. See? It's all fine, they're innocent, they never did anything wrong.

I understand this. I have parents like this. They are lovely people just like OP's parents and always saying 'you know we'd do anything for you' and they are brimming over with love for the family but to them NOTHING is more important than their narrative of things not being 'their fault'. Nothing. Hell or high water will take over before they will ever say 'I was wrong, I should have done it differently'. Be very afraid of such people. Today, the bannister, tomorrow, something else.

Op, you're the only sane one in this scenario. Scary, isn't it?

Every single person on this thread agrees your mother should have fixed the banister a long, long, long time ago. Your own common sense tells you that. She wants to be right though and that's more important to her, and fixing the banister would be a concession that it contributed to dd's fall. She is ok with not seeing her grandchildren anymore rather than fix the damn banister. You're having trouble wrapping your head around that fact. Of course you are.

How does your daughter feel when she goes to grandma's and the huge gap where she fell and broke her skull is still there? Grandma not very concerned about granddaughter's fractured skull. What does that do to a child? It is a subtle but powerful rejection of your daughter and of you. Her image of always being right and never the one to do something "not nice" or make a mistake is paramount to her.

So grandma's worst nightmare is to think people would be talking about her. It's all about your mother, isn't it? You realize that your very gentle request could result in a major rift in your family, that's why you're trying to figure out how to get the banister fixed without offending this woman who claims she's a loving and wonderful person, crying all night because you've asked her to fix the banister after 2 years.

Somebody who refuses to fix the banister when a child was hurt on it, is somebody who is so full of pride they can't admit they need to fix something, that they made a mistake, that maybe, just maybe, not having a banister there contributed in a very tiny way in the fractured skull. No, your mother is so above that. She had nothing whatever to do with it. I bet she thinks she deserves an apology from you.

Op, this is the first time you've ever challenged her.

kawliga is right on. My inlaws are like this, that's how they operate too. I agree with her that you should be very afraid of such people.

kawlige has got it: they are so invested in their narrative and spin on events that fixing the banister would to them be like an admission of guilt or responsibility.
And Floppy's story is really quite shocking

LittleBeautyBelle I agree with what you wrote especially this I bet she thinks she deserves an apology from you. Like Floppy's story shows, they would also appreciate it if you apologized for letting your dd fall down in their house, and also apologize for not sending the dc there when your more sensible sister is still sending her dc.

Agree, kawliga and once we've experienced weirdness like this in real life and realized what's going on, it's very easy to spot it from then on.

iggi and kawliga - thank you, thank you, thank you. I wish that I had access to MN back in 1992 and 1993; because back then I believed that I was the one who was batshit crazy for making a fuss.

I'm now still paying for the ways I let my kids down in this dysfunctional family.

IHeart, I wish you strength, my dear.

OMG - their granddaughter fell down their banister-less stairs but they like the look of the open staircase! I wouldn't be able to even look at those stairs again without feeling guilty.

YANBU.
PIL were looking after my boys and their cousins for a couple of hours one afternoon. They were left playing on a rope swing unsupervised and my nephew fell and broke both his wrists.
My other nephew once end up with a bang to the head after sledging into a tree under their care, and DS2 came off a scooter flying down a steep hill with them and still has scars.
I know accidents can happen, they have on my watch too (more minor) but I honestly feel PIL anticipation of danger has waned as they've got older, and regrettably our boys don't really stay over anymore.

Building regs on p11 from

www.stairplan.co.uk/regulations.htm

Guarding of stairs
1.28 Flights and landings should be guarded at
the sides (see Diagram 11):
a. in dwellings – when there is a drop of more than 600mm;
b. in other buildings – when there are two or more risers.

Not sure if you have to fit them retrospectively though. Not having bannisters is just crazy pants.

Sorry to say this, but even if they fitted a bannister tomorrow, the damage is done, and by that I do not mean the physical damage to your daughter. What is now irrevocably damaged is your relationship with your parents and your children's relationships with their grandparents. You are now painfully aware that they prioritise their feelings and their self-image over the safety and feelings of you and your children. You can never look at them in the same way you once did, ever again. 18 months of sweeping it all under the carpet can never be forgotten (nor could I forgive it).

"But they adore the DC. Adore them. They want to be with them. They are amazing grandparents."
No, they do not adore your children, they only like to be thought to do so. Thought so by themselves, not just others. In their self-image they are adoring grandparents, but it's just an illusion. Adoring grandparents would not prioritise their own feelings over the feelings and safety of their grandchildren. They wouldn't be capable of doing so. They are NOT amazing grandparents.

When times are good, it's easy to seem to be amazing. There's no real effort involved. But when times are bad, that's when you find out what people are really made of. Who pulls the others into the lifeboats and who kicks the ladder away with an 'I'm all right Jack'. I fear your parents are the latter. They are their own first priority, other people are last. Something bad happens? Protect ourselves and throw the others under the bus! Sadly, it is you and your children who have been flung under the bus so that they can keep their rosey view of themselves. They will never take responsibility for their actions.

"My mum lives in dread of people talking about her. This would be her worst nightmare."
"I'm gobsmacked none of their friends are raising eyebrows."
I wouldn't be too sure they aren't raising eyebrows. Your mum's just sweeping them under the carpet too. Because that would be her nightmare, right?

Anyway, as I said the damage is done and fitting a new bannister cannot change that. I think what would be best for you, OP, is to decide what you want to do now. Personally I'd be holding my parents at arm's length, and if I was visiting my grandparents in the same area I'd be booking myself into a Travelodge or an Airbnb, anywhere but my parent' house. And they could cry themselves to sleep over it if they wanted, they've made their priorities clear and I would be doing the same.

Do you think maybe their upset/guilt over your DD's accident is actually affecting them to the point that they are, sort of, frozen over the issue?

Like they are having a very emotional reaction to everything about the stairs/bannister and can't shake themselves into action because of it? Guilt does affect people in weird ways.

By never fixing them, and you not bringing it up (by avoiding leaving your DC there) it sort of assuages their guilt and reinforces that need they have to tell themselves it wasn't their fault. After you told them about your DD being upset their reaction stopped you raising it again, which may support this belief. It's not to be mentioned, because they can't deal with it, and if the stairs aren't fixed and you're still not mentioning it then, ergo, it wasn't their fault?

I don't think I'm wording this right, but it's just a thought I had. It may not be coming from a malicious place. (though still unacceptable, don't get me wrong).

Fucking hell. I get what you're saying but these are good people we're talking about. They're being batshit crazy about this thing, and there may be issues with my mum, but they are good people. I need a way of addressing this in an assertive way while preserving the relationships in my family. I've had lots of great advice on this thread.

Sorry x post.

Whereyouleftit's post is very good. It's hard reading for you, even though people agree with you, because it's challenging your view of your parents, and actually it would be easier for you if we all told you that you were wrong to be upset so things could go back to how they were.

Thank you. It's not OK, but it's not malicious.

I wish that I had access to MN back in 1992 and 1993; because back then I believed that I was the one who was batshit crazy for making a fuss

You are not alone Floppy many of us found our epiphany here on MN! In my case from reading the magnificent stately homes threads - so much collective wisdom on those threads. What I learned there was that even parents who are lovely people, salt of the earth, would do anything to help anyone, and truly love their families, can still be very destructive - without intending to be.

Also that in close families that support each other, like OP's family, being close is a blessing that becomes almost like a curse, because you are close you are invested in being close and you don't want to do anything to destroy that closeness. Almost, you would rather keep going there, even if your dd is destroyed, because going there is part of the whole 'we are a close and loving family' picture.

Visiting the family is an open and visible thing, very heartwarming, while your dd's nightmares are silent and invisible, they only happen in the privacy of your home at night when nobody is watching, so only you and your dd can see the suffering. Meanwhile the happy family picture can continue on the outside.

OP, with respect but your parents are NOT good people! I know they're your parents but they are behaving very thoughtlessly in this regard.

When they were having renovations which necessitated a bannister being removed they should have told you NOT to bring your DC round or not to let them upstairs as it was unsafe.

They are now NOT good people by letting your DSis DC be minded there regardless of the danger, for spending the money on other decoration other than safety (this means they're also putting their own safety at risk) and by burying their head in the sands they're not good people.

I would wonder based on this thread what other basic safety risks they take, are the electrics safe eg?!

Your DD fractured her skull. Does it have to take a death or an accident when someone is paralysed or something for them to take things seriously?

If it were my parents I'd be going supersonic apeshit over this and there's no way in hell my kids would be allowed round there.

By the way, my mum and her DM had "dealings" with a family friend, an electrician who it turned out wasn't very safe, can't remember why but think dodgy wiring etc, as soon as my mum found out there was no way on earth she let him round her house to do electric work and the work he had done for us had to be redone (at great cost). So I know exactly how safe and unsafe practices work within families etc.

Oh and I mean not good people re the ostrich behaviour and re safety.

I am sure they are good people in many other respects.

YANBU, however you cannot force them to do the work, however at the same time you can refuse to be at their home until the work has been carried out.

My Ds2 (11 months old at the time) and DH had a huge accident where they were they were both set on fire, ds2 spent a lot of time in intensive care and needing many skin graft operations 1.5 years of his life, and he still has on going medical problems...

When someone offers us to go to a BBQ or a fire work display we refuse, we have been in the position and we wont risk it again.

On ds2 2nd birthday, we had a family BBQ to try and over come our fears, I spent the whole of the BBQ indoors with him. I was on edge all day.

you need to do what is right for your family, however also you need to teach your children about stair safety if you haven't done so already.

I would have exploded before now.

Your poor dd. The severity of the accident was entirely preventable.

I think you should say something, maybe to your dad, would saying your dd is frightened of their staircase as it is be a stretch of the truth? You could dress it up as much or little as you like.

I wouldn't have gone mad at the original incident, but every penny they spent without attempting to make their house safe would have made me lose my temper.

The fact that you even asked if yabu makes me cross.

Yanbu

Yes your duty and desire to protect your DD from further harm - both physical and psychological - has got to trump your fear of confronting and upsetting your parents.

Your DD is the important one here.

Good luck.