To think DH is wrong to threaten to not speak to DS over university choice

[DPSN]

DS has an offer to study at Cambridge but is considering turning it down to study closer to home at a university with a reputation for his subject which is nowhere near as good as Cambridge's to be near his girlfriend. I think basing a life choice on a current GF is a mistake but he is very stubborn and I cannot force him to go to Cambridge. If she is the love of his life, love will conquer time and distance but if she isn't,I think he will regret turning down Cambridge for her.
I have asked him to weigh up the pros and cons of each option carefully.
DH , on the other hand, has said he will not want to speak to him again if he doesn't go to Cambridge and would want to limit financial support.
I feel I am living in a parallel world with DH thinking he can control DS' s choices with threats and bullying tactics. He says I am too soft for saying ultimately it is DS' s life and choice.
Opinions please.

My boyfriend turned down a place at a RG uni to go to a university in the same city as the one I was going to. We had been together about a month when we were choosing where to go.

I wasn't aware at the time that he had done this; he told me he had got a place at the uni as it was a better course etc etc. I would have told him not to be so bloody stupid if I'd have known!

We have been together 14 years and married for 8, very happily.

I'm obviously very pleased he did what he did; however if my son was to do what yours is then I would feel very disappointed too. But I think I would do the same as you; ask him to consider the pros and cons then make his own decision. As hard as that might be. I have no idea what my parents in law thought when their son did something similar; but whatever they thought they kept it to themselves, and allowed him to make his own choice.

Maybe the girlfriend isn't the only reason he's reluctant to go to Cambridge. Perhaps he feels it isn't right for him but isn't sure why, and his situation with his girlfriend is a reason he can give.

Maybe because we are up North but someone trying to claim they were obviously better than other candidates for a role because they went to Oxbridge would not impress him at all.

That's very refreshing and open-minded. I'd rather apply to an employer who judged each person on their own merits, than one who only went by the prestige of a name. Yes, of course Oxbridge have high standards, but I think it's a lazy employer who sticks to Oxbridge candidates as a short cut.

Needless to say your husband is going about it the wrong way, trying to make him make a rational adult by acting like a tantruming toddler is never going to work.

Are you absolutely there isn't more to this? Is there anything other than the wet blanket of a girlfriend holding him back from going to Cambridge? How did he react after coming back from interview? When he got the offer?

I applied, went to interview, didn't like it and didn't want to go. Was offered a place (probably because i didn't give a fuck and was more bolshie than I've been before or since) and was pushed by parents and school into going. Told me that I was being an inverted snob. That was part of it admittedly, but I didn't like the college or were it was located or the academic set up.

I hated it and had a breakdown. The pressure destroyed my confidence to the extent that it took me a decade to get my life back on track. It also had a negative effect on my relationship with my parents.

It wasn't such a golden opportunity for me either career or self worth wise. It seems advantageous if you are a particular type of person or crave a very particular career. Try and put aside the cachet and natural excitement that he's been offered a place and try and open up a dialogue with him about what his genuine opinions on Cambridge are.

What tinofbiscuits says: also often the brightest are the least confident about taking up their place.
I think it will be better for your DS to go to Cambridge but life is a strange thing. My dd is doing her second year of law living in Lancaster instead of Oxford to be with a boyfriend she claims she isnt even serious about and I am very angry with her. I'm quite certain its the wrong decision this early on in her career and it is heartbreaking watching her throw her brains away but they get a bee in their bonnet and all one can do is prepare to pick up the pieces. Your DH is trying his best but it wont do any good. Best to keep quiet about it

I think it would be a great shame to turn this opportunity down. Going to Cambridge would be the right thing to do IMHO. I'd be extremely disappointed and cross if my child turned the opportunity down. It does help a great deal in career advancement from what I've observed and heard. Young people can't have it both ways. If they expect financial support they should take heed of their parents' wishes. If they want to make their own decisions they can stand on their own too feet. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

Maybe he could defer for a year and take a gap year?

Wage earners are only human. If you know you are slogging because your child is going to one of the best universities in the world, that is very different to if they are going to some B lister. I had an ironing lady whose daughter went to Cambridge and a piano tuner the same and the pride in the achievement was immense

If a young person chooses to go to some other uni where the main focus is the happy hour bar, I too would be inclined to keep my hard earned cash for other things and I have to say I withdrew 2/3 of my money when dd went up north as frankly in our household there are always other necessary things needing funding. I explained to her that I simply didnt want to give up a new boiler for a term at a second rate place. These days gong to uni is a luxury not to be taken for granted and like any other investment you need a seriously good return.

Compos

That is a really good point.

Maybe he is hiding behind his girlfriend because he's daunted and intimidated by Cambridge. Maybe he thinks all the other students will be brighter, posher, richer, 'better'? Maybe he feels instinctively it's the wrong place for him.

I'm sorry you had such an awful experience compos. I know a few of my friends had terrible experiences and left uni after a few weeks or had breakdowns over the career choice they chose. Seems so crazy now doesn't it, that anyone should make themselves so ill over this when you want to say to the younger selves 'oh darling don't worry, it'll all work out, just jack this in and try something else'.

I agree. My doubts about oxford were more along these lines and dh was not so much a barrier to me taking up the place as the alternative, safe, comfortable option. In the end it was politics that made,me accept the place as I decided I couldn't moan about exclusivity if I wasn't prepared to get in there and shake things up. As it happens my perceptions were wrong. Of course there was privilege like I'd never seen but we all mixed together.

I am quite surprised how many would strong arm their children into accepting a place. It's very intense at Oxford. I've seen some people broken by it. it'd be the worst thing of all to send him there against his wishes and have him broken by anxiety and drop out.

I remember meeting a boy from Eton at interview. He was distraught at having messed up hus interview. He had another at a different college and I was reassuring him about his chances but he was so worried about being the first in generations not to go to Christchurch. It made me realise there are worse things than being secure in the knowledge of my parents ' unconditional love and support. They were disappointed dsis turned down her place but respected her reasons

I'm surprised how many would strong arm their children to accept a place somewhere they didn't want to go or to do what they didn't want because they are paying. It is not the job of the child to make a parent proud if that entails putting themself in a position of total unhappiness.

He may not have liked it when he went and just giving the gf as an excuse. Not everyone wants the high flying career - some people just want to pootle along.

There was some research done about high flyers and found it didn't correlate with getting top grades. It was more about their personality.

Do you think your son wants to have a high flying career? Does he have that personality?

What kind of relationship do you want with your child because your behaviour now could seriously impact that, I'm not saying you have to agree with his choices but you do have to respect that it is his choice. If at a later stage, he regrets his decision then he will have to live with it.

I really do think it's hypocritical (no matter the intent) to complain about his immaturity whilst resorting to bribery and/or blackmail.

I turned down a place at Oxford. Lots of reasons really but mainly because my gran was terminally ill at the time and lived with us and was like a mum to me and there was no way I could concentrate. I nursed her through bowel cancer and she died in 2003.

Do I regret not going? Sometimes. I didn't go to university at all in the end. I did end up having a very good career in marketing - senior level in the city for luxury designer brand cosmetics. But then in the end I didn't really enjoy it and hated the pressure and ended up becoming a sahm - which I love. Our youngest child has severe autism which has also changed my priorities completely. My life isn't what I imagined but then who's ever is? I love my children and I love being at home with them. I am a still an academic at heart and love reading about history and frequently indulge my love of geeky history books. Perhaps a degree from Oxford would have given me a wealthier life, we are very low income (receive tax credits and dh works in a min wage job). But I guess money doesn't buy you happiness and it wouldn't change my youngest child having severe autism.

The one thing I can say however is that my mum and dad were completely supportive of my decision not to go to Oxford and if they hadn't been I think it would have damaged our relationship beyond repair.

Ultimately our children's lives and loves are not our own. Their achievements are not ours. We need to support them in their decisions, advise yes but not judge. I would rather my children speak to me and love me than hate me for judging them.

It is unfair if the boy has to change his life for the girl though, and it is all on her terms.

If yoh love someone you set them free, not tie them down

And In this scenario I hope he is using condoms. Sounds like his GF plans for life are very different from his.

Well it's all conjecture team. We don't know whether the son is being held back by the gf or pushed towards Cambridge by school /parents (I wouldn't take having applied as proof he has always wanted Cambridge) but hopefully these different perceptions will help the op have a balanced conversation with her ds and help him reach the right decision for him.

longestlurkerever good post!

I sympathise OP. It is very hard to watch your child (adult or not) making a decision which appears to you to be so blindingly obviously wrong.
YANBU in that your DH isn't going about this in the right way.

It does seem, though, as if there may be other reasons for your son's decision. Perhaps he wasn't that keen on Cambridge in the first place. Perhaps his GF is full of ambition and isn't tying him down but he's using her as an excuse. Perhaps she isn't actually a home loving lump (hate that description by the way) and is actually a lovely intelligent girl who has put her life on hold for a while because of unknown home circumstances and your lovely son wants to support her in that. Or maybe it is that for whatever reason she just isn't the GF you want for your son and is becoming the focus of an argument about his university education which isn't so much about where he goes as whether he is with her or not.

All you can do is point out the advantages of Cambridge if it will suit him, enable the relationship if that really is a deciding factor, and let it run it's course. Making the GF out to be the bad guy in this while he is so much in love with her can only alienate him further.

Push the advantages of Cambridge for him and her in the future and offer to pay for travel to see one another (they'll have broken up by his first Christmas) Paint a picture of the wonderful life and opportunities it could open up to them. Contrast this by asking him where he wants to work in your hometown and what he'll want to do as a job, try to maximise the humdrum-ness of day to day life there (whether true or not). Remind him you and DH will have moved by then so your home won't be there and most (all?) of his friends will also have left to go away to university so life will be very different.

Good luck.

OP I think it would be an excellent idea, as suggested by a pp, to print off this thread and get your ds to read it. There are some very balanced, well articulated views which might help him with his decisions. Just cut your own posts out to keep your mn privacy and let him read the rest.

He's a grown adult and entitled to make his own decisions. Me and my DP have been together since well before uni and have always decided where to apply based on each other - I don't think we would still be together if we were hundreds of miles apart. Long distance is hard but not too hard if it's less than 100 miles.

FWIW my parents have never meddled in my uni decisions and I would have been very hurt if they had. They're there for advice, not manipulation.

What a nightmare for you. The GF sounds awful and is probably dripping poison in his ear about how everyone at Cambridge is stuck up and awful (which they are not; I know, I went there). There fore be careful at any suggestions that it's not her, it's the place that he's not keen on, as she may well have influenced that thinking.

I'm struggling to see how someone who has managed to get in to Cambridge could have anything in common with such a girl. Do you know her well; do they seem happy and well-suited?

Perhaps one way to being home to him the permanent impact of what he is doing is to say (this is risky, I know, but to be put to him more as a talking point than a challenge) "OK DS, you love her enough to make this huge life-altering decision, you must love her enough to get married then? Hopefully he'll recoil in horror at the thought and you can use this to illustrate that the relationship is clearly not mature enough to influence huge permanent decisions. Or ask him how he'd feel if she became pregnant.

Has he actually got the place or is it conditional on his A level results? If the latter you may need to watch very closely to ensure she doesn't sabotage his study.

I'd second trying to get to know the Mum subtly and see if she is a potential ally or a supporter of the GF's attitude.

I am firmly in the do NOT strong arm camp.

Posts by Compos, Headofthehive and Longestlurker really do sum it up.

We don't know the reasons.

OP, you do need to be sure that you and your DH are not simply being blinded by the fact that he has an offer from Cambridge and focusing with a type of tunnel vision on that alone.

His insurance policy uni. Are you sure he didn't actually prefer that one after interview and only placed it as insurance policy place due to pressure from parents and school? He may have had the intention to go there all along.

My parents always said that they would finance us each through one higher education course at whatever establishment we chose. That was what was on the table. No trying to push us in potentially unsuitable directions. I think it is a fairer approach than the bullying tactics of your DH.

Oh and to the pp who did her husband, recruiting for a big electronics company, does not automatically favour Oxbridge candidates, that is perfectly reasonable as the quality of courses does vary and perhaps electronic engineering at Oxbridge is not as good as at some other places. However the fact that you went on to suggest that Oxbridge candidates behave as if they assume it is obvious they are better than everyone else suggests that there is some inverse snobbery at work here. Some of us are arrogant tossers, you get those everywhere, but the vast majority of us are not and it is unfair to suggest that we are.

There have been a number of suggestions that he defers. No way is Cambridge going to allow a deferral in this situation, for someone to stay in their hometown being a lovesick bunny.

The gf going to Cambridge would be significantly harder to achieve than it sounds. She couldn't stay permanently in college. For prolonged stays yes, but not permanently. Also it doesn't solve the issue of her being unable to live a distance from her mother.

If the DS really wants to vote with his feet the easiest way to do it would be to accept the place to placate his dad and then fail to get the A or As required. Since he's clever, and since he has AS results, he'll know how to pitch his marks. I'd be careful of that one if I were his mum or dad.