To think DH is wrong to threaten to not speak to DS over university choice

[DPSN]

DS has an offer to study at Cambridge but is considering turning it down to study closer to home at a university with a reputation for his subject which is nowhere near as good as Cambridge's to be near his girlfriend. I think basing a life choice on a current GF is a mistake but he is very stubborn and I cannot force him to go to Cambridge. If she is the love of his life, love will conquer time and distance but if she isn't,I think he will regret turning down Cambridge for her.
I have asked him to weigh up the pros and cons of each option carefully.
DH , on the other hand, has said he will not want to speak to him again if he doesn't go to Cambridge and would want to limit financial support.
I feel I am living in a parallel world with DH thinking he can control DS' s choices with threats and bullying tactics. He says I am too soft for saying ultimately it is DS' s life and choice.
Opinions please.

This is hard, he's being pulled in different directions by his his dad and his girlfriend who are both forcing their preference on the matter, financially & emotionally.

I bet he can see that they are both being selfish (regardless of who's 'right') and doesn't know who to please or let down.

His decision should be based on what he hopes to achieve by going to uni & why he applied in the first place. I think you're going to have to be the voice of reason to help him figure that out. From what I've read he doesn't actually have to choose between uni and his girlfriend, he's lucky enough to be able to choose both.

Deferring would clearly be a good option here, but unfortunately it's more difficult to defer starting Oxbridge than non-collegiate universities. Because of the college thing, the numbers involved are a lot smaller so there's not as much wiggle room. It's by no means something he can expect to get just like that.

I went to Oxford but being from a south wales comp and having met a boy from Birmingham on holiday in Gran Canaria the summer before, I wanted to go to Birmingham, my insurance choice. I was a rebellious (and not very nice) teenager but my parents said to me to give it one term - 8 weeks - and if I hated it, I could leave and go to Birmingham the following sept. I did, and absolutely loved it. I ditched the boy from Birmingham pretty quickly but then ended up going out with another undergrad from there a year later.

I think YADNBU personally. I loved oxford, though more for the social side than the academic side. Just being in the city though and being part of the uni was an amazing experience. I didn't end up in some high flying career - worked in the music for years until I got fed up and opened my own business - but I wouldn't change the experience for anything.

If he doesn't go for the whole give it a term thing, then the deferral suggestion is a good one too.

Regardless of whether it's Oxbridge or anything else, changing your choice because of a clingy gf is always a mistake.

I'm with your dh. I would be doing everything in my power to stop him doing that. And not because of the academics, but because of the obvious toxicity of the relationship.

My teacher encouraged me to apply to Oxbridge. I didn't think I was clever enough (and I was probably right, in retrospect) but I wish sometimes that I had tried.

I understand why people prefer other unis. There are lots of valid reasons to go to other places. I can't imagine, however, getting an offer and squandering it for some silly teen romance. That seems like a really daft reason. The clingy girl is being selfish and I would probably be telling her that, I wouldn't be able to resist. It would probably backfire though!

The fact is your son will meet a lot of new and interesting people at university from very diverse backgrounds.

This alone is possibly enough to shake his relationship. So even studying at home could be the end of his current relationship.

I loved university because of the people I met, their views, their passions about subjects and books. The different ages of people, we had a retired fireman in his 40's, Mums in their 30's and their life experience was inspiring.

The GF's reluctance to ever leave her Mother behind is worrying and limiting. What jobs in his field could he get locally?

I suspect a lot of you are rather exaggerating the effects of an Oxbridge degree. I've got one and I have had my fair share of failure and badly paid jobs (for the record I'm now pretty good at what I do, by the way).

However, it is extremely idiotic IMO to limit your horizon for the sake of teenage love.

There probably is a much better chance that they'll stay together if he doesn't go. Most people do split up from their teenage loves when they go away to university. But - from the POV of a cheerfully jaded 52yo - that isn't such a bad thing, really. Life has many more possibilities and opportunities.

This happened to my parents (although not Cambridge). They went to uni together but my mum didn't like it and quit. She went back to their home town and visited my dad but she couldn't hack long distance so finished it. My dad was so upset that he quit his uni course to go back home. You can imagine how his parents reacted - they went absolutely APE SHIT. Banned him from seeing her (which he ignored), threatened to cut him off, sent my mum abusive letters etc. It had a happy ending because they got married, they're still married, and my dad got a really good job earning a 3 figure salary despite quitting uni. They all kissed and made up but they've never fully forgiven my grandparents for the way they reacted, even now decades later.

Now I'm not saying they're going to get married and live happily ever after. Statistically, especially these days it's very unlikely. But you need to take a calm and measured approach to this otherwise you risk alienating him. I'm sorry but I think your DH threatening to never to speak to him again, which I'm sure was only said in the heat of the moment, is just plain nasty. I'd be absolutely devastated if I thought a parent had said that about me based on a university choice. I'd feel like your love was conditional based on me going to a top uni. I really hope he didn't say that to his face. He needs to calm down otherwise he is going to push him away and he'll probably end up doing exactly what he doesn't want him to do. I'm a bit pig headed and stubborn but in your DS's shoes your DH's behaviour would make me very angry.

You're definitely going about this the right way and your DH needs to get a grip. You can't force your DS to go if his heart isn't in it. Obviously, it depends on his personality but I do wonder that if he really, really wanted to go to Cambridge and this was his absolute life dream then he'd still go. Or he may be completely blinded by love for his GF but I think you need to have a long chat with him (without saying ditch the GF as you're going to split up anyway) and find out how he honestly feels about going to Cambridge and his future career plans. I think it's fine to reiterate what an amazing opportunity going to Cambridge is and how that will stand him in good stead forever without going over the top about it and criticising his GF. Good luck, I hope it all works out.

DPSN.
How far away (in hours of travel time) is Cambridge compared to where gf will be?

Or your son could go to Cambridge & be miserable & drop out anyway. Just because he got a place doesn't mean he's got a degree.
Your H is BU.

Oh gosh OP, I can't imagine how horrible it must be watching him throw away a golden opportunity. And FWIW, I do think it's relevant that she's not going into higher education. Rightly or wrongly, once he starts mixing with other undergrads, she may well not fit in, or seem rather parochial.

Most LTRs don't make it past the first term. The one couple I went to uni with who did make it to 3rd year were utterly toxic (she had given up and he Durham so they could both attend Edinburgh, so hardly slumming it academically) because of the resentment that built up.

I wonder whether looking at the long term might help? Not in a 'she won't let you' sort of way, but more 'if you got this degree, what would you want to do?'; 'where might you do that?' etc. because it may well be that he's not really thought it through.

I disagree with some upthread though. DP and I met at uni. My job would be significantly more lucrative in London. He is well know in his industry and has been headhunted for countries where it would be very difficult (or impossible) for me to work, but I am main breadwinner here. We met at 21 and have been compromising ever since. If either of us had an absolute passion to follow an opportunity we'd do it, but we don't, so we stay where we are. Separately we'd probably earn a lot more, but we're not love's young dream and do analyse our opportunities (spreadsheets!). Also if one of use had a burning desire to follow a dream, we'd both do our utmost to make that happen.

Can your DS map out the pros and cons of the choice (in a spreadsheet maybe) in terms of short term; educational attainment; post-uni goals; long term? Setting it down on paper might help without focussing too much on GF, UNI, DF or whatever else.

He does not have to reply to his offers till May 5th. Maybe concentrate on getting both DS and DH to call a truce and agree to put everything on hold for a couple of months? There is plenty of time, and a benefit for DS in waiting and leaving himself open to changing his mind right up to the last minute.

Coming from someone who's been there. I don't think you're going to get anywhere telling him he's squandering his life for a silly teenage romance. He'll just take that,attitude as proof you don't understand (what teen would pit job prospects above true love, after all?) you're better off reassuring him that he can have it all - the degree and the happy ever after with his true love. my English teacher taking my romantic feelings seriously and allowing me to bounce around the pros and cons like an adult helped me reach my own decision and I will always be grateful he didn't dismiss my feelings as,a silly teen romance. and it'll be 20 years next year so...

Your DH is totally mistaken if he thinks that such bullying tactics will have the desired effect. They are more likely to drive your DS the opposite way and risk alienating him totally.

Your approach is the more sensible one. Your DS needs a sounding board for his thoughts while he works out what to do.

I have a DD in her third year at a Russell Group uni. When she was still in sixth form and at the stage of applying she was given an interview at Oxford. It was a two day affair. She hated it and left to come home before the interview process was over. She loves where she is now, and has no regrets.

It was her decision entirely. No silly stropping as your DH is doing.

I'd agree that a clingy girlfriend is not a good basis for your DS's decision. Sometimes though, with young adult children, you can only offer advice, possibly to have it ignored, and then be there with moral support if things do go tits up.

For what it's worth, I was still only 19, and in my second year at uni when I met my first boyfriend.

Everyone said it would never last. We have now been together 30 years, 23 of them married, and have 3 DDs. Coincidentally, dd1 is now at DH's former uni (Warwick).

I hope this girl isn't trying to hold your DS back. However, it is up to him what he wants to do about it if she is. All you can do is advise him if he wants it, but whatever you do be sensitive to his feelings and don't run her down in front of him.

Applesetssail given that my husband is a major recruiter for a large electronics consultancy firm employing hundreds of people I think his opinion, and those of people like him, are EXACTLY what matters in terms of people thinking Oxbridge confers major advantage. I just don't think it does really, perhaps outside a few select careers and a London base.

However I appreciate this isn't directly related to the OP's predicament. I wouldn't want my son giving up a placeat any university for a girlfriend. I met my DH at Uni and we lived apart for two years whilst doing further study. It lasted because it was a keeper, not because we were in the same space.

Just get him to read this thread.

And then,you, possibly, name change.

And see sense, junior DSPN - a place at Cambridge would be pretty silly to dismiss.

But it isn't about whether her son will ever be recruited by a major electronics consultancy firm. Not everyone is considering their job applications at age 35 when thinking about university.

It is about the whole experience of university. Presumably he applied to Cambridge because he wanted that experience.

I would do everything possible to try to change my child's mind in this case. In part because I wouldn't want to live with the regret he will feel when he ends up breaking up with the girlfriend and realises he could have been in Cambridge. And I think it would be very lazy to just say "well he's an adult, he decides, we'll be supportive"

Again, OP, I think you need to call your DH off (while telling him you feel his pain) and try to recruit some adult your ds likes and respects but who isn't a parent to chat to him about this.

Is there any risk that DS would 'agree' to take the Cambridge place, but then make sure he didn't get the grades (while conveniently getting just enough to get into the local uni)?

Watch last week's War & Peace (on bbc iplayer) (but I don't recommend he watches it)... Tell him they need to test their love. If its meant to be it will survive 3 years while he at Cambridge and then he can provide a better life for them both. Nowadays students seem to keep much more in touch with their home town and go home much more often

My dad behaved very much like this when I was choosing a university. He wanted me to apply to Oxbridge because my grades were good and my teachers recommended it. I had no interest in going there and applied elsewhere. He didn't speak to me for months and the day I got my A-level results didn't even congratulate me. This was years ago now but thinking about it still makes my blood boil. I don't regret my decision at all (though admittedly your DS's situation is different because there's a girl involved) but my relationship with my dad never really recovered.

If you think DS would love to go Cambridge if it wasn't for his girlfriend, then have a talk to him about it. If he's not bothered and it's more your dream than his, then I'd say respect his choices and leave him be.

And for what it's worth, I've hardly ever been asked what university I went to when applying for jobs (I work in an industry where you're generally employed via word of mouth than sending in a CV)

Op, is the local uni one he has already applied for in his 5 choices? If so, considering 1 was Cambridge, then I assume the other 4 are still very good choices?
It is not ideal that he is being swayed by his love life and hopefully he will do what is best for him.
Incidentally, my DD turned down her interview at Oxford. I did question her to check she wasn't being influenced by her boyfriend but she said he was encouraging her to go for it.

You've told him your concerns and asked him to consider the pros and cons. That's all you can do. Take a step right back and let him decide for himself. As an adult he's going to be making many decisions from now on and you may agree with them, you may not. I think trying to manipulate the situation by not speaking or withdrawing financial support would only lead to resentment.

If he truly feels that Cambridge is not for him, no problem.
If the decision is absolutely all about the girlfriend, big problem.

I agree with this.

What about deferring his place as previously suggested by a pp.

Agree with pp that mum of gf might be an ally and be able to put the case for benefits of Cambridge to her daughter. You never know. Do you know if gf's mother is aware of what's going on?