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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is wrong to threaten to not speak to DS over university choice

440 replies

DPSN · 29/01/2016 17:01

DS has an offer to study at Cambridge but is considering turning it down to study closer to home at a university with a reputation for his subject which is nowhere near as good as Cambridge's to be near his girlfriend. I think basing a life choice on a current GF is a mistake but he is very stubborn and I cannot force him to go to Cambridge. If she is the love of his life, love will conquer time and distance but if she isn't,I think he will regret turning down Cambridge for her.
I have asked him to weigh up the pros and cons of each option carefully.
DH , on the other hand, has said he will not want to speak to him again if he doesn't go to Cambridge and would want to limit financial support.
I feel I am living in a parallel world with DH thinking he can control DS' s choices with threats and bullying tactics. He says I am too soft for saying ultimately it is DS' s life and choice.
Opinions please.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 01/02/2016 16:09

Oi posters knocking people who do maths!

Yes, wonder if he's actually freaking out about entry requirements and whether he'll acheieve them, and gf is an easy excuse not to try. He says he'll proceed with the application, but is he going to work for the tests etc?

Also agree that he needs a v good "back up" choice - is the "local" uni at least amongst the best of his other offers?

Headofthehive55 · 01/02/2016 17:42

I think it's certainly reasonable that you have a discussion but I don't think you can insist on offspring doing what you think is best. I certainly know if someone who gained the place to do maths at Cambridge, got the grades step the lot then decided on results day to do a different subject altogether!

Another member of my family spilt her year of a degree to concentrate on a sport rather than academic study. It was largely futile. Like a reationship there us often no guarantees of longevity, or success, but I think sometimes the decisions are more complex than what they appear.

hellsbells99 · 01/02/2016 18:37

Duckdeamon - I would never knock anyone doing maths as it was my favourite subject! It is also both my DCs favourite subject - although neither have applied to do a 'pure' subject degree.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 01/02/2016 20:44

I am itching to know what STEP requirements have been included in the offer now!

Iceyard · 01/02/2016 21:06

I would totally stick by my son, his happiness is the most important thing. Who knows what the future holds - we could all be dead. You have to live for today - your husband sounds a bit of a dick!

Molio · 01/02/2016 21:14

Iceyard it's probably a bit naive to think one can just grab instant happiness and manage with no medium term plan, at least without a significant trust fund.

Molio · 01/02/2016 21:16

For some people (me included probably) 'sticking by' my son in these circumstances would be counselling him to try to get the grades and move on from this particular girlfriend and trade up at uni.

Iceyard · 01/02/2016 21:19

Oh, I beg to differ - he would be able to still obtain an adequate education and who's to say he won't end up with this girl, no one knows! This could be his long life love. Why not, if you can, have everything that makes you happy in life?

Topseyt · 01/02/2016 21:23

I admire people who study maths. I was at the back of the queue when maths brains were given out.

I was a languages student myself, more than 25 years ago now. My DD is doing the same now.

Molio · 01/02/2016 21:31

If she likes him that much she can get on a train to see him like so many other gfs/ bfs do. I can't see why he has to stay near her mum just because she wants to.

Iceyard · 01/02/2016 21:35

I think he should make his own decisions and be supported with what ever he decides. After all, life is a learning curve and personally I feel life is short and happiness should play a big part in it.

OutWithTheDogs · 01/02/2016 21:39

Shock Hmm at the suggestion that he should be encouraged to 'trade up' by getting a girlfriend at Oxford. What a nasty thing to say or think.

DadDadDad · 01/02/2016 22:07

Iceyard - the problem is you seem to have a rather simplistic view of what decision-making entails and how happiness is achieved:

He should make his own decisions and be supported... - yes, indeed, but parenting involves showing our children that a part of good decision-making is listening to the views of others, particularly those who love you and want to support to you, and may have some wisdom.

Happiness may not always be secured by choosing the immediate pleasure or gratification. If life turns out to be long rather than short, it may be that a solid academic start will open up new possibilities that will make for an even happier life.

Iceyard · 01/02/2016 22:10

Yes, maybe but that's his choice, not to be brainwashed by his parents. I think it's very shallow to honk you can only have a good education from Cambridge

motherinferior · 01/02/2016 22:16

I think it's very shallow to underestimate the pleasure of studying something that fires you up, at a place where it's really well-taught.

Headofthehive55 · 01/02/2016 22:17

outwiththedogs I'm with you. What a horrid thing to think- to trade up! No doubt those views are shared by those graduates mentioned a page or so ago who thought people who were not Oxbridge were not worth talking to!

There is a lot more to life and people than where or if you went to uni.

DadDadDad · 01/02/2016 22:30

"Brainwashed" is a loaded term - I'd say most children are pretty much "brainwashed" by their parents purely due to the fact that they live with them for 18 formative years!

But a good parent will hopefully encourage their child to think for themselves and make their own decisions, but I don't think that stops a parent giving a strong opinion when the decision is life-changing and they sincerely feel that the child they love may come to regret it.

Molio · 01/02/2016 22:34

It's realistic OWTD. She sounds as dull as ditchwater and deeply oppressive. Any change of gf is likely to be an improvement on one who insists the bf stays near her mum, at significant cost to himself.

Headofthehive55 · 01/02/2016 22:50

Oh I'm sure he could find a worse gf than that! Her only vice seems to be she has no interest in leaving her city.

He could find one that is very worldly wise and introduce him to all sorts of illegal recreational pursuits.

boys3 · 01/02/2016 23:11

infatuated teenagers and decision making - never a great combination.

I do think it is the role of parents to provide construction challenge and alternatives that could be considered (although the father's initial reaction was hardly constructive)). Some may believe that learning from one's mistakes is always right. I'd say that some mistakes are best avoided if at all possible.

I'm not sure the GF deserves all of the opprobium being heaped on her. We've only had one side of the story, and that is all we will ever get on this one. I struggle to see how some of the frankly quite unpleasant comments add anything of value to the thread.

hellsbells99 · 01/02/2016 23:29

Molio - my DH lives in the city he was born in and he is not as dull as ditchwater!
Op's DS should be allowed to make his own decisions but obviously with input from his parents. He needs to look at the course content etc, look to see if he thinks Cambridge will suit him - if not, then of course he should look at his other choices. As a Cambridge applicant, I am sure his other 4 choices are all good universities. As previous posters have said he may feel that the Step exams are too much. And yes, it needs to be pointed out to him that his love life is probably not the best reason to base his decision on as he will be home for more than half the year. But Op has said they will also be moving away so where will home be? Perhaps the fact that he won't be coming back to his current home town during holidays etc is also influencing his decision.

mathanxiety · 02/02/2016 05:31

I am with your DH on this one, at heart, though I would exhaust all other options before the nuclear one. Where you study makes a huge difference to your prospects. You get one chance to set yourself up for life.

I agree if she had half a brain she would be ordering him to Cambridge. If she loved him she would want the best for him.

Please tell your DS to always, always, always use a condom.

Molio · 02/02/2016 08:09

Hoth that's not her vice or even a particular vice. Her vice is putting pressure on the DS to stay near her mum too, giving up a great life opportunity. That's a very big negative and bodes extremely ill for the future. In my opinion the comments directed at that self-absorbed outlook are richly deserved. If she were a bf and slightly older she'd be castigated as being seriously controlling.

Floisme · 02/02/2016 08:18

Whatever you may think of them, criticising your children's girl/boyfriends never ends well.

I'd have thought we'd know that on here of all places

Molio · 02/02/2016 08:29

I'm criticizing someone else's DC's gf Floisme. I'm not sure what I'd actually do, if anything, if someone like that hooked up with one of mine. I don't think I'd sit by idly and let mine make a really daft mistake if it was possible to guide them in a better direction, in the name of 'support'.