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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH is wrong to threaten to not speak to DS over university choice

440 replies

DPSN · 29/01/2016 17:01

DS has an offer to study at Cambridge but is considering turning it down to study closer to home at a university with a reputation for his subject which is nowhere near as good as Cambridge's to be near his girlfriend. I think basing a life choice on a current GF is a mistake but he is very stubborn and I cannot force him to go to Cambridge. If she is the love of his life, love will conquer time and distance but if she isn't,I think he will regret turning down Cambridge for her.
I have asked him to weigh up the pros and cons of each option carefully.
DH , on the other hand, has said he will not want to speak to him again if he doesn't go to Cambridge and would want to limit financial support.
I feel I am living in a parallel world with DH thinking he can control DS' s choices with threats and bullying tactics. He says I am too soft for saying ultimately it is DS' s life and choice.
Opinions please.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 30/01/2016 10:01

All the people I know who turned down Oxford or Cambridge have done very well for themselves, but their reasons weren't just to be near a girlfriend.

It's always disappointing when DC don't take up the offer of something which to parents seem like a good idea, but the DH does sound a bit childish.

Molio · 30/01/2016 10:04

funnyperson I thought your DD did go to Oxford? Do you mean she's doing her vocational training elsewhere? Because that won't matter too much and she wouldn't really be wasting her brains. Or have I got that wrong and another DD left Oxford and transferred to Lancaster - that would be a different thing entirely, especially if it was boyfriend driven.

LynetteScavo · 30/01/2016 10:06

Have you spoken to the girls mother?

If I were her I would happily tell my future son in law he was being a fool.

Alanna1 · 30/01/2016 10:10

I'd do my utmost to get my DC to accept cambridge. Not sure your DH's method is the best. A special travel fund. Offer of support so gf can go too. Support for a deferral application. Some counselling for your son about it?

motherinferior · 30/01/2016 10:11

Probably the best way to present it is as A Test Of Your Love, Ensuring Your Future, You Were Meant To Be, etc etc.

The reality is that he'll probably meet lots of clever attractive girls at Cambridge, of course. And then move on further when he leaves. As most of us do. (Who else here shudders at the thought of being settled for life with their teenage/student sweetheart?)

And of course I'm not saying this because it's Cambridge per se. But I'd advise any young woman not to tie herself down to her b

motherinferior · 30/01/2016 10:11

...her boyfriend, so the reverse seems only fair.

Molio · 30/01/2016 10:15

I can't see why deferring would help. Cambridge would be very pissed off at a request to defer for this reason, because it's silly.

MimsyBorogroves · 30/01/2016 10:19

I did similar - turned down a good offer from a decent uni to take a year out and live with my boyfriend, then went to a uni near him with a crap reputation.

Academically, and in terms of working I wish I hadn't. We broke up as I started the second year, and I was stuck there.

Although I married someone I met in that town, so can't wholly complain Grin

Kirkenes · 30/01/2016 10:22

At 18 the thought of being able to insist or force my DC to do something would be ridiculous. It just wouldn't have happened. Confused I am fairly sure they would have told me to take a hike if I threatened to remove their 'funding' if they did something I disapproved of. I'm sure they would have preferred to manage by themselves rather than be blackmailed by me. I would also never dream of trying to control them by emotional blackmail.

Parenting adults is different to parenting little DC. My DC welcome and listen to my advice but they definitely make their own decisions.

I would be gutted if my son did what the OPs son is suggesting but Ithink her DHs approach is awful.

longestlurkerever · 30/01/2016 10:23

Do you really need a good reason to defer? What if you just need a year working in a supermarket to get your funds on a more stable footing? Not everyone can give to Clown school in Mexico on their gap yah

Marynary · 30/01/2016 10:29

I agree that deferring university definitely wouldn't be a good idea. He may end up going nowhere at all and probably wouldn't get the chance to go to Cambridge again.
I think that you need to persuade that if he has a good relationship with his girlfriend they will stay together. DH and I did despite much longer distance (different countries). Although we were a bit older (early twenties) my attitude has always been that if it's meant to be you will stay together. If a relationship can't survive a bit of distance early on when you are in the "in love" stage it won't survive the test of time anyway.

SSargassoSea · 30/01/2016 10:34

What about enthusing about how wonderful it is that he is going to be round the corner from you and DH for the rest of his life, you can 'help' with the future children and how lovely for his future DMIL too.

In the hope that that this idea is NOT his ideal future.

MrsAmaretto · 30/01/2016 10:36

Do you know the gf's mother. Can you speak to her, perhaps in terms of wanting the best for "their" future?

Getting the gf on side may be key.

Orda1 · 30/01/2016 10:39

I think people are being harsh about it not lasting, I know loads of people who have been a couple since 17.

Squashybanana · 30/01/2016 10:47

jessie I am the poster with the husband in recruitment. To be fair, I said 'if' an Oxbridge candidate assumed they were better purely because of their alumnus that would get short shrift, not that all candidates do. At least, that's what I meant. I don't recall my exact wording. And it was in response to some of the other posters more or less implying that Oxbridge = riches untold, other uni = work scrapheap.

I totally agree that you get arrogant twits everywhere. I have 2 sibs who went to Oxbridge, one is perfectly sensible, the other has his head up his arse perhaps a little more than if he had gone to a different place.

longestlurkerever · 30/01/2016 10:49

It's kind of irrelevant anyway, as his current feelings don't become meaningless because they may change. There's a passage in Stephen Fry's autobiography where he finds a letter written to his future self from his teenage self, telling him that he will never again feel so deeply and in a way so true to himself. Pretentious tosh typical of teens, but with a kernel of truth. You can't turn a teen into a sensible accountant with a life insurance plan, nor should you try. The best you can do is try to get them not to close down opportunities. Indulge his romantic feelings and try to inspire him how to have the best of everything, rather than take the approach of cynical old person diminishing his relationship and telling him his love will die and he might as well jack it in now.

Fairylea · 30/01/2016 10:51

I agree people are being really harsh about the girlfriend and the fact he's going to forget about her the minute he gets to Cambridge with all the "intelligent" girls HmmHmm.

I don't doubt that the relationship may not last because they are so young. That's true of any young couple (but there are exceptions). But I think it's extremely snobby of people to talk about the girlfriend like she's some kind of low life because she isn't Cambridge material. Having a degree isn't necessarily an indication of anything other than being academic - and being plenty of people are extremely intelligent and hard working without being academic. It's not the same thing. Not to mention being a good nice person is more important than any of that anyway.

siscaza · 30/01/2016 10:54

Hmmmm tricky, ultimately there is little you can do however (I'm a university lecturer) at that age they think they know it all. I suspect there is little you can do bar incentivise him I.e. More support financially if he goes, pay to visit gf and vice versa. Might be worth a chat about the true reasons for not going, is this an easy way of saying he doesn't want to go to Cambridge? Could you help him explore other Russell Group/red brick Unis closer to home? This could show him you are taking him seriously?

siscaza · 30/01/2016 10:55

Oh and deferring could be an option, you don't need to tell the university why you are referring. A year in a crap job might swing it and relationship could fizzle out!

Molio · 30/01/2016 11:11

siscaza the place has been offered in this year's cycle and wasn't a deferred application. He most certainly would need to tell Cambridge why he now wants to defer. I don't think the real reason will cut much mustard however so presumably he'd have to lie, which isn't great.

JessieMcJessie · 30/01/2016 11:21

Thanks. For clarifying squashy. Fairylea I haven't seen a single person describe the GF as a "lowlife" because she herself "isn't Cambridge material". The problem with the GF is that she is prioritising her own wish to stay in her hometown with OP's DS over his chance to take up his place at Cambridge. There is also some speculation as to whether, given that she does not intend to go to University herself, the two of them really have enough in common to last in the long term.

None of this is mindless prejudice against people who make the choice to stay at home and stop studying.

Trills · 30/01/2016 11:23

I agree with your DH inasmuch as I think you should do everything you can to get your DS to choose a university based on the course, not the proximity to the girlfriend.

I disagree entirely with the way he is doing it.

The only way to get anywhere is to pretend to believe in their relationship.

Any argument that includes a reference to them breaking up will be dismissed and ignored and railed against.

As you've seen, there are plenty of good reasons why he should go away to a good university with a better course even if it is 100% written in the stars that they will get married and be together forever.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 30/01/2016 11:34

Tell him if he goes to Cambridge and their relationship endures that you'll pay for the wedding. Get the girlfriend on side and you're laughing.

Katenka · 30/01/2016 11:46

But I think it's extremely snobby of people to talk about the girlfriend like she's some kind of low life because she isn't Cambridge material.

No one has said that.

But I do wonder what the reaction would be of the OPs child was a girl who had a boyfriend that said he won't ever leave the area so he can stay near his mum and try and stop his girlfriend going to an excellent uni and move in with him instead.

Headofthehive55 · 30/01/2016 11:59

The girlfriend may if course be trying to get him to go to Cambridge...my DDs sixth form BF was handing for Cambridge and it seemed to bother him a lot that they wouldn't be at the same uni. In the end he dumped her as they would split up anyway he thought when they got to uni. It never occurred to my DD that it would be a problem, as she's grown up with DH working away and at one time living in a different house in the week so she never saw it as a problem.

So it might not be anything to do with the gf but in the boys head.

And my DD? Well she's now it's another guy (same uni as sixth form BF but different college) but it seems to work well actually.

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