To think DH is wrong to threaten to not speak to DS over university choice

[DPSN]

DS has an offer to study at Cambridge but is considering turning it down to study closer to home at a university with a reputation for his subject which is nowhere near as good as Cambridge's to be near his girlfriend. I think basing a life choice on a current GF is a mistake but he is very stubborn and I cannot force him to go to Cambridge. If she is the love of his life, love will conquer time and distance but if she isn't,I think he will regret turning down Cambridge for her.
I have asked him to weigh up the pros and cons of each option carefully.
DH , on the other hand, has said he will not want to speak to him again if he doesn't go to Cambridge and would want to limit financial support.
I feel I am living in a parallel world with DH thinking he can control DS' s choices with threats and bullying tactics. He says I am too soft for saying ultimately it is DS' s life and choice.
Opinions please.

[hellsbells99]

^If he truly feels that Cambridge is not for him, no problem.
If the decision is absolutely all about the girlfriend, big problem^

I agree with what a previous poster said.
Is his girlfriend the only thing putting him off Cambridge?

[prettywhiteguitar]

What else about Cambridge is he unsure of ? Or is it just gf ? Cause I'm sure if it is just the the gf you can try and work that out, shorter terms and possibly of her moving there ?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

GF wants to stay put in hometown and never move as she can't imagine moving away from her Mum. She won't be going to uni. Gets better and better. You DH is going about this all wrong. Keeping the relationship good so that DS can talk about his fears, thoughts and weigh things up with you would be more useful.

But yes, he's making a really bad decision. If he's making it based on a GF who wants to restrict her (and his) choices that much.

[harshbuttrue1980]

If someone stops talking to you just because you don't do what they want you to do, then that person is a toxic manipulator and you're better off without them. Even family members can be toxic!

[comingintomyown]

Threatening not to speak to him is pathetic

Withdrawing financial support seems rather controlling but I understand the sentiment

Is the GF the only thing stopping him going to Cambridge ? Will it mean your DS continuing to live at home then if he's going to Uni nearby ? In which case there would be good grounds for not offering financial support I certainly would not be paying if he's going to live with her

[Helmetbymidnight]

Yes, I would like you be sad that he is limiting his opportunities for a pretty poor reason. Your softly softly approach is best, but I wonder if a gentle financial incentive would help too?

[AlwaysHopeful1]

I too would not be happy about his choice. Actually it's very stupid of him to throw away this opportunity because of a girlfriend. It may work out but it may not as well. However it's his choice to make and his decision to regret.

[DPSN]

The gf seems to be the only reason.
It is so frustrating watching him thinking about making what we both see as a huge mistake.

[notenoughbottle]

You're dh is being slightly U in his tactics but I can understand his desperation. In fact I wish my parents had done similar to me when I decided to go to the same substandard uni as my then bf. 12 years later my then bf has turned into my now xh. It would be sad to sacrifice a place at a fantastic uni for a gf at such a young age but you're dh needs to decide how much he wants to sacrifice his and you're ds's relationship.

[roundandroundthehouses]

Yowch. I came so, so close to dropping out of Cambridge for exactly the same reason. Thank fuck I didn't. But the reason why I stayed had nothing to do with any strong-arm tactics on the part of my parents -who didn't give a shit anyway-- . That would only have alienated me and - tbh - might actually have persuaded me to drop out from sheer stubbornness. But I don't blame your dh for panicking. It would be a bloody stupid thing to do.

[bcngran]

Pay for the girlfriend to go and live in Cambridge, do anything to get your DS to take up place there. It is probably the biggest thing left that you can do for him before he is launched into adult life. The biggest investment you could make for him, and such a chance will not come again

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Dunno
I can see why his response won't help matters but I'd be fucking furious and no way would I support my DS in that decision. I know that calm and reasonable would be the way to go but I'd probably go for screeching and tears to be honest

[SweetCheeks99]

could he defer his place at Cambridge for a year and take a gap year?

[DPSN]

DS wouldn't be living at home if he goes to uni near us as by the time he starts, we will have moved sonewhere else anyway.

[abbieanders]

He probably is being unreasonable.

If mu daughter was making a similar choice, I'd be even more unreasonable. It's not right (probably), but I really understand. It must be so hard to see your child give up a great opportunity. I'd really struggle.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I think it's your DS's right as an adult (albeit a young one) to make whatever decision he pleases over which university to go to, even if that decision is a bit short-sighted.

I think it's your DH's right as an adult to make whatever decision he pleases over whether he's willing to fund your DS's decision.

You can fund if you want to, though. You can pick whichever side you want to.

[Namechangenell]

DH went to Cambridge, I didn't. For the subjects I studied, to be honest, it wasn't all that and consequently I turned down their interview. If the closer uni is better for his subject then that should be what he focuses on. We live in the USA now, and whilst no one can deny Cambridge has both an excellent reputation and could be a fabulous experience, it doesn't necessarily carry as much weight as you might think, particularly when compared with the Ivy League here. My honest opinion is that the world has moved on somewhat from only being in awe of those who studied at Oxbridge.

It sounds like your DH is trying to pin his own hopes and aspirations on your DS. It sounds like he's an intelligent young man so he'll do well wherever he goes.

[wotoodoo]

Tell your ds he will have to finance his course and living expenses himself. That would sort it.

[IndridCold]

A former boss had exactly the same problem about 20 years ago with his daughter. She married the chap in question, did her degree at London, marriage broke up eventually and last I heard she was living in Paris with husband number 2.

I don't know if she ever regretted her decision to turn down Oxford, but I do remember my boss saying to me 'I'm really frustrated by her choice, I think she's throwing away an amazing opportunity, but what can I do? I just have to keep the channels of communication open, and be there to help if it all goes wrong!' And I think he was absolutely right, that is what parents should do.

YANBU, your DH is misguided if he thinks this will have any effect, other than a negative one, or will make your DS change his mind.

[comingintomyown]

Well I don't know what the answer is. Just goes to show you can be very clever and stupid all in one go !

[Veritat]

Your DH's tactics are ridiculous and if anything will drive your DS into dropping the Cambridge place all the more quickly.

Can you point out to your DS that Cambridge terms are quite a lot shorter than terms in other universities, plus there are such things as weekends; and that if the relationship with the GF is strong enough they can easily manage that? To be honest, if the GF really loved him she wouldn't want to hold him back, but I suppose that's not an argument that's likely to work too well either.

[3littlefrogs]

Tell him to take a gap year and travel.

[mintoil]

I would try reverse psychology. Tell DS that if he is so set on shackling himself to a woman who has no desire to ever leave her hometown, then there is no point in him having all the fabulous advantages that a Cambridge education would bestow on him. It would all be wasted on him, so you agree that another student with higher aspirations would probably benefit far more from the course and would deserve it more.

Worth a go?

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

I can totally understand how your DH feels, and your DS is stupid if he gives up that kind of opportunity for a girl who wants to limit his potential.

Can you talk to him in those terms - if she really wanted what was best for him then she would let him go and trust to their relationship. Cambridge has short terms, he wouldn't be away for long, etc etc.

You definitely need to have a conversation around finances - it is a completely different thing to be supporting him financially so that he can be with his GF. If he wants to be treated like an adult then he should behave like one.

Could he perhaps take the offer from Cambridge and defer for a year? A lot can change in a year at this age.

[Fairenuff]

I agree that you should not be expected to fund him. I would back your dh in that respect. Does he have a job at the moment? If not he had better find one and start saving.