To think DH is wrong to threaten to not speak to DS over university choice

[DPSN]

DS has an offer to study at Cambridge but is considering turning it down to study closer to home at a university with a reputation for his subject which is nowhere near as good as Cambridge's to be near his girlfriend. I think basing a life choice on a current GF is a mistake but he is very stubborn and I cannot force him to go to Cambridge. If she is the love of his life, love will conquer time and distance but if she isn't,I think he will regret turning down Cambridge for her.
I have asked him to weigh up the pros and cons of each option carefully.
DH , on the other hand, has said he will not want to speak to him again if he doesn't go to Cambridge and would want to limit financial support.
I feel I am living in a parallel world with DH thinking he can control DS' s choices with threats and bullying tactics. He says I am too soft for saying ultimately it is DS' s life and choice.
Opinions please.

And if I was her mother I'd be pushing for your DS to go as well even if it meant upsetting my DD. It wouldn't matter if it was Cambridge or not. You have to do what's right and if they're meant to be then they'll find a way. You don't hold a young person back in life.

It needn't be a choice between GF and Cambridge, in this age of instant communication surely it can be GF AND Cambridge with Skype every night and visits home at the weekends (she's not going to move there because it would mean leaving her mum). As others have said, if their relationship is going to go anywhere it will survive this. If he goes to the local Uni they are still not going to be together all the time because wherever he is he will still have coursework. Lots of students start University in a long distance relationship, he won't be the first or the only. If it's not working out by Easter then he can start to look at moving closer for the second year but then at least they have given it a chance and he will never feel that she came between him and Cambridge. It could really sour their future relationship if there comes a day when he wonders what could have been if he'd taken the other offer. She wouldn't want that, nor would he.

The reality is that if they are still together at Easter then it is a stronger relationship than most. In the days before mobile phones and email most relationships ended in the first few weeks, it was rare that one lasted until Christmas.

I have an exploding husband, it's hard when one of the parental team goes off at the deep end because you can't side with either of them. I'm all for presenting a united front but not when DH is utterly, utterly wrong. The tactics that worked on a four year old are now totally the wrong ones to be using. It is hard being in your position, I hope that things work out better for you all over the weekend.

Your DH is U to threaten not to speak to him, but not (ImO) U to consider withdrawing some financial support, since uni is v v expensive and cambridge (where he would go were it not for GF) would be better use of your cash!

I also agree with DH that you are being too wishy washy and on the fence about it. He should assume the relationship will end within 1,3, 5 years, as almost all do. Has he seen stats on advantages of Oxbridge for future employment etc?

I say this as someone who refused to apply for Oxbridge (not for love life reasons) and went to the same (RG, local-ish) uni as my high school BF and stayed together for a number of years after that.

Might be worthopaedic pointing out to him that the person who loves you helps you realise your dreams and encourages you to be all you can/want to be. They don't pressure you to live a life you don't want or hold you back.

My husband went back to uni 200 miles away when our DD1 was 18 months old. I Had Very Good Reasons For Pressuring Him To Stay Local. I didn't because he wanted to go somewhere specific.

How long have they been together? Could you suggest him accepting the Cambridge offer and deferring a year? That might give their relationship the chance to run its course or him a chance to decide what he wants and he would still have the option to go or apply to another uni next year?

It's a difficult one, the funding. I'll pay for this course at that uni, because it's better but not that at that uni, because in your opinion it's worse. Hmm.

I think you shouldn't hold your child to ransom because you achieved so much yourself the govt won't give full funding.

My parents, school etc talked me into doing a good course, at a good uni, but my heart wasn't in it. After I couldn't do the course I wanted, my second choice was deemed a waste. So I went off to do the approved of course. Unfortunately I didn't enjoy my time at uni, and got very little out if it.

I wouldn't take this situation lightly either. I would certainly use money as a carrot and stick, and have no issue with it.

It's a difficult one, the funding. I'll pay for this course at that uni, because it's better but not that at that uni, because in your opinion it's worse. Hmm.

I'll fund the decision that is best for you, not the one that best accommodates your teen romance.

It's only a best course if one wants to make use of it.

Where does that manipulation end? When he has the degree but refuses to get the good job in London?

Or the second one in New York?

What a wonderful opportunity to go to Cambridge. You must be so proud.
I can understand your husbands reaction. If your sons decision is based purely on the girlfriend then he is making a huge mistake which he could regret for the rest of his life. Young people at that age rarely stay together. But education stays with you a lifetime.

"I'll fund you if you do what I want, but not if you do what you want"

He won't do what he's told for ever. Maybe this year, maybe next, he's going to stop. You know that.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread but obviously YANBU re the not speaking thing but your DS is being an absolute git about the girlfriend thing and I'd deploy strong tactics here, possibly a bit smarter than not talking though. Going to the same uni or a nearby uni as an existing girlfriend or boyfriend is often a massive mistake. Lots and lots of couples split up over the Christmas holidays of first year. Your being wishy washy is going to serve your DS ill in years to come. If these two like each other enough, they'll be together after graduating - but the chances are they won't be together three or four years down the line, wherever each goes to uni.

On the whole I'm with your DH rather than you. They can be very immature at this age, especially when they're in love.

I'd do two things. One, suggest he defers, and talk him through the process. Get him to do this if even remotely possible.

Secondly, paint a picture of the future they could have together if he goes to Cambridge and gets this degree from there - the career opportunities that may well open to him, the life they could build for their children if they have that sort of income (and yes, I know there are no guarantees, but as an alumnus myself I am unusually poor by the standards of my peers - most have extremely comfortable lifestyles now, despite my college being one that attracted more state school pupils than most), the potential to actually decide if they want her to be a stay at home mother or a WOTH one (which let's face it, few genuinely do have these days). Their chances of buying a really nice house, with a decent garden and lots of space for a family, as well as having nice cars and nice holidays. Be materialistic about it, while also taking their relationship absolutely at face value as one of permanence. If they are seeing Cambridge as a threat to their relationship, try painting a picture of how it is in fact an investment in their joint future.

After all, if they stay together then that is absolutely accurate - no need to mention the other reality that the chances of their not remaining together are high, where ever he chooses to go, because he's going to be exposed to a completely different life and group of people. Offer a year in which they can work out what they want to do, and as has been mentioned, offer to facilitate coming home every other weekend over the 8 week terms, and point out that this will only mean 24 weeks away out of 52 in a year - he'll be home for 28, and she can visit him as well as he her. Would his father be willing to fund a car if he does go to Cambridge? Sure it's a bribe, but it's one that means contact between them will be indisputably easier.

I do actually see his father's point on the finances. University costs to parents are extremely high now, because support is so limited and stingy. If he's treating university as an afterthought, why should his father pour money into it? The not speaking to him part is awful, though, and smacks of his father's own ego being a tad too heavily invested in having his son at Oxbridge than in having his son fulfil his potential. And he's also going to push your son into making a stupid decision because his back is against the wall, and who of us would allow someone to dictate to us via emotional blackmail if we had a choice?

Would your DH fund only for Cambridge? Or perhaps it would be any course that is actually a good fit for your DS?

Declining a course where the main attraction is proximity to a particular person is not the same as overall control. It's putting obstacles in the way of foolishness.

I hope your DS, who has a good brain on some levels to get that offer, will use it to think about his longer-term future.

(Have DH save the money you would otherwise have spent on uni fees, to pay for a fresh start for DS if required, or a deposit on a first house for both of them if it all works out).

Fwiw my husband is high up in recruitment in an electronics field and is not at all swayed by an Oxbridge candidate over one from another university. Literally makes no difference at all to him or the hundreds of people he has employed. Maybe because we are up North but someone trying to claim they were obviously better than other candidates for a role because they went to Oxbridge would not impress him at all.

Haven't read the whole thread but I have to say this:

Being clingy isn't love, its selfishness. Ive been with dh for 8 years and married for 2, if we had this scenario to deal with there is absolutely no way I would let him stay in home town with me, I would put him on the train to Cambridge myself.

He needs to realise that of someone loves you they want the best for you, deep down she knows its not the best thing for your ds op.

I wonder what the gf has said she would do if he goes?

Fwiw my husband is high up in recruitment in an electronics field and is not at all swayed by an Oxbridge candidate over one from another university.

Your husband's opinion hardly matters. Oxbridge confers enormous access and privilege.

I don't think that refusing to fund him is controlling, I think it is a very valid choice. Preumably he doesn't expect you to fund him anyway but will get a loan and a part time job like most other students.

I certainly wouldn't be forking out for something which I considered to be a poor choice but might be willing to help towards funding a sensible choice which was more likely to reap rewards in the future.

I didn't apply to Oxbridge as both my parents and teachers weren't very pushy at all, but I think I would have had a chance of getting in. My Dad was also quite anti-Oxbridge as he went, felt totally out of place and left after a term.

My then boyfriend and I only applied to universities in the North/Midlands so we wouldn't be too far from each other. The relationship actually lasted till I was 25, and having a long-distance boyfriend is probably why I did so well at uni (got a first and a prize)! I don't regret the redbrick I went to, as I made friends for life there, but I do sometimes wonder about how my life would have turned out if I had applied to Oxbridge.

Could you encourage him to take a gap year and see if he changes his mind? Do you think there are other reasons he might not want to go? How far away is Cambridge from where you are? Feel free to share my story of how travelling 3 hours every month to see b/f and vice versa was actually ok!

I do think there is no way you will be able to convince him that his plan is a bad idea, and your DH's position risks pushing him further into the decision (moving in with g/f?). When you're 17/18 any opposition to 'love's young dream' can encourage it.

Squashy some unis have better courses than Cambridge in various fields, no question. Many more are equally good - it depends on the department in question in each uni. But the OP's DS isn't choosing on that basis, but on the basis of his girlfriend's mother's residence, and the OP is clear that his choice is very much a second best option.

And any grad who felt entitled to a job, or "obviously better than other applicants", has issues which would make them poor employees regardless of their skills or educational background, IMO. Who could be impressed by that?

Could you offer to pay for the girlfriend to travel by train there each weekend?
They are only likely to seperate anyway so you will have to shell out for one term.
She sounds like a major pest if she cannot encourage your son to go to a nice uni. Even if it wasn't Cambridge and was elsewhere she would be doing the same.
But you need to go easy on her - I doubt she has a clue what she is doing and is just blinded by romance.

If your sons GF really cared she would be supporting him in his studies.

Absolutely agree.

Unfortunately as parents of dc at uni age we have little say .. "They know best" and we have to support their decisions.

What does the girlfriend's mum think? Maybe go round for a cup of tea with her? Not with an agenda but to see whether she is also concerned and thinks her daughter is limiting her life or whether the 'settle down now' message is coming from her. If the former she could be a great ally, and if the latter you could start dropping a few comments about 'of course it will depend on what dgsmum thinks' to your son.

I sympathise with you both but ultimately you can't totally stop him and i think refusing all funding would be a mistake.

I agree with your DH.